We last left off at the point where anyone who'd started watching late might have got their hopes up and thought it was all over, but in fact only the halfway point had been reached. Yes, everyone is singing again. Joy.
"If you do this song justice... we could go all the way to the final". Oh, The Wagster must be getting a great song then, right? Wrong! It's "Addicted To Love" and I don't care what anybody says, if "Girlfriend" is vying for the title of worst song ever to exist, "Addicted To Love" is right up there in the most mind-numbingly boring song category.
Of course this is Wagner though, the man who I'm quite sure could make washing the dishes interesting if he wanted. After the absurdity of him actually sounding pretty good in "Creep" this performance is a more classic Wagner - the "HELP ME" stare, the hilarious timing issues, nubile young ladies fawning over his gloriousness and liberal use of "Addicted to loaf". The dancers have clearly been given an instruction to "half-arse it" though, and I'm not talking about them exposing themselves to Lord Wagner again. There's energy lacking when you compare the staging and performance to the Very Best of Wagner, but that's all part of the plan. We can't have this 'talent' competition being sabotaged by people who can't sing, after all (apart from One Direction).
"I'm beginning to think you have an identical brother and you sent him to sing the song before", Danni tells him, as my brain explodes while trying to process the awesomeness of two Wagners. The Brothers Wagner could be the new Jedward, except likeable and actually funny! "It was like we were making this show in Egypt in 1956", Simon declares. I'm sure that he has a comment template and just spins a roulette wheel to fill in the blanks sometimes. "Ah yes, that reminds me of being in Tenochtitlan in 1440..."
"You know what's coming, it's One Direction". Yes, I know what's coming Simon, that's why the kettle's on.
"There's no big production, it's all about the voices". Oh my, they're in big trouble.
Oh no. It's "You Are So Beautiful". Remember when Lloyd (you know, the one who definitely didn't get it on with Danyl) massacred this last year? Well now there are FIVE Lloyds. The good news is that only three of them are actually singing. I'm completely serious, Irish Spice and Smug Tosser Who I Seriously Don't Think Has Actually Sung A Single Note In The Entire Series Spice just stand there doing nothing for the entire song. Heck even I Don't Feel Like Dancing Spice got a couple of solo non-"Oooooohhh" lines. Regardless of all these shenanigans, the performance is brain-meltingly dull.
I have trouble concentrating on the judges comments because THAT SMUG TWAT WHO HAS NOTHING TO BE SMUG ABOUT GIVEN THAT HE'S NEVER ACTUALLY SUNG ANYTHING IS LOOKING SO GODDAMN SMUG I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Seriously why is he in the 'band' at all? He's not particularly attractive, he obviously can't sing seeing as they won't let him and he looks like the world's most enormous pre-pubescent douche. Maybe the whole Katie controversy was just scripted so that nobody would notice this bell-end sneaking in through the back door (and I don't mean like Danyl definitely didn't sneak in through Lloyd's back door last year). Plus, if I recall correctly he's the one who disrespected Lord Wagner on Twitter! The nerve! I give the lads a year before the one who can actually sort of sing leaves to try and forge a solo career, the other three all brutally murder the smug tosser during a pay dispute before the Asian one has a mental breakdown, the Irish one goes to rehab and the curly one marries Jordan or Chloe Mafia or some other airhead.
Next up is Mary, who is apparently going to "sing her heart out". Seeing as if the judges are to be believed her having a heart actually makes her unique in this competition, this is a worrying development. She's going to get her mojo back for the 49876th time though, so no worries there. Maybe there's hope for that silent one in One Direction yet as something even less likely than him actually singing is about to occur, Mary is going to dance.
This is... err... something. She's singing "Brass In Pocket", and, umm, yes. Firstly she appears to have borrowed the jacket she's wearing from Storm Lee, and secondly her 'dancing' basically consists of shuffling about very awkwardly. Of course I didn't expect Flashdance or anything, but this is what all the fuss was about in the VT? The aural aspect is nearly as bad as the visuals too - "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MAKE YOU MAKE YOU NOTICE". Yes, by tackling the song with Brian Blessed levels of subtlety.
The judges throw some vague platitudes at her and Louis does that embarassing "PLEASE VOTE OH GOD PLEASE" thing (that he for some reason didn't do for Lord Wagner, funny that).
Rebecca and Katie after the break? Huh? Has Cher had another backstage tantrum or is the change in the performance order just more manipulation? We may never know, although my guess is it's a bit of both.
"Next up for your SATISFACTION it's Rebecca!". Then the intro to "Brown Sugar" starts playing in the VT. Hmm, mysterious, I wonder what on earth she's going to be singing?
DRAMATIC MUSIC
BREAKING NEWS: WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO INFORM YOU THAT REBECCA "LIKES HAVING FUN". WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR USUAL PROGRAMMING
Oh, quelle surprise, she's singing "Satisfaction". For the first time tonight, Wagner aside, I find myself sort of enjoying a performance. Yes she still has the charisma and stage presence of an ant, but there's a soulful, somewhat jazzy vibe running through the vocals and arrangement and it ends up being rather, well, satisfying (if Cheryl can make stupid plays on the titles of the song choices then so can I, okay?). Also, her name is helpfully displayed behind her on the big screen, just in case you forget who she is, which is a nice solution to what's probably a common problem.
The judges say the word "Aretha" about a dozen times.
Here's The Weasel! "Yeehr gonna see reyul emoshan from'er toneet", Cheryl warbles. No we're not, we're going to see the same contrived bollocks we've been seeing since day 1.
It's "Everybody Hurts", again perhaps sung as a tribute to the guy who did her gran without any lube, I'm not sure. The good news is the performance gets better as it goes on. The bad news is that's only because the first line is so hideously awful that I can feel my eardrums trying to escape. The best bit is the camera cutting to Cheryl giving a concerned look immediately afterwards, presumably so that deaf people or indeed people whose eardrums have pre-emptively fled know that it's atrocious too. She's MAKING THIS SONG HER OWN by "MMmmmMMmmm"-ing occasionally and randomly deciding to shout a line for no discernible reason. Oh and the arrangement deviates towards the end and it becomes some sort of warped gospel song. Brilliant. If the judges praise this crap then, well, I'll write some angry and/or sarcastic words here.
"I believed every single word of it". Well I certainly believed she was in excruciating pain while singing (and I know I was). Simon's main issue was with the song being "chopped up", for some reason Princess Katie herself is immune from criticism - of course the only reason it sounded awful was because it was "chopped up", Katie having a bloody awful voice has nothing to do with it - how dare anyone even suggest such a thing! "Another 30 or 60 seconds on that and it would have been fantastic". Another 30 seconds of that and I'd be lying on my sofa with a slit throat and covered in my own vomit.
Only Matt and Chuuurr to come!
Matt Curdle (as in "blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling") is singing, err, a song. I'll risk exposing my ignorance by admitting I don't know what it is. The guitar is back, as is the blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling. It's not bad, whatever it is and of course the judges wet themselves with excitement. Next!
Yes, Cheryl manages to get two of her acts in the pimp slot in a single show, which has to be a first. Purely coincidence, of course. She's singing "Walk This Way" while dressed as Queen of the Chavs, and she appears to have stolen Wagner's energetic dancers. It couldn't be more obvious the powers that be are pulling out all the stops to get her into the semi-final. The arrangement is hideous - "Walk This Way" is not and should never be a disco song and yet that's what we're faced with. She warbles her way through it sort of competently - I've said before that Cher is at her relative best when she's doing the not-quite-rapping-but-not-really-singing-either thing, and my point stands here.
Dannii is invoking the blaring backing track - she may have a point but given that as far as I recall she's never mentioned it when One Direction have performed I can't help but laugh. Surprisingly Simon completely disagrees with Dannii - he's not usually one to pass up the opportunity to be a giany hypocrite. "You're my cup of tea with two sugars in it", declares Cheryl. So I think what she's trying to say is that the reason I don't particularly like Cher is because I don't have sugar in my tea. Or something. It's also worth pointing out that it's around the time Dermot starts talking to her that I realize that her make-up job makes her look somewhat like a middle-aged drag queen.
"Tomorrow night and unknown to the finalists until now it's a double elimination". Apparently Mary is psychic, then.
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