THE WANTED!
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NICOLE SHER... SHIRT.... SCHER.... NICOLE OUT OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!
Great! There follows one sentence summaries of the guest performances because I'm losing the will to live.
The Wanted - What on earth possessed the dark forces behind this nonsense to get together one day and say "You know what the music industry really needs right now? A cross between Westlife and 5ive"
Justin Bieber - Is (s)he asking Cheryl to call him (her) so they can exchange make-up tips or effective miming tips?
Nicole out of the Pussycat Dolls - Nice bondage outfit(s), shame about the song that sounds like something that couldn't even pass post-trainwreck Britney quality control.
Sorry for the briefness but my God, what a horrible guest lineup.
Results! Rebecca safe, Cheryl looks like she's just been told there was a press mix-up last week and "Katie's gran" was in fact a typo of "Cheryl's gran". Really, why does she look so horrified? I suppose she was hoping to lose two acts so she could focus all her energy on mini-me or something. Matt safe, yawn. Cher safe, vomit. Only one spot left, and it goes to One Direction, /wrists.
Leaving us with Katie, Mary and Lord Wagner. I'm a little torn, one act needs to leave immediately and the only remote chance Wagner has is if he's up against Katie being in the sing-off for the millionth time, but at the same time the sooner The Weasel leaves the better. Who's going to get unceremoniously booted off!
HALLELUJAH
POP GOES THE WEASEL
Her highlights montage seems to drag on for half an hour. Just throw her out of the building already! "This girl's been through hell for eight weeks", Dermot happily announces. Yes, forget soldiers in the Middle-East, forget starving children in Africa, forget violently repressed minorities all over the world, it's Princess Katie who's the one person who has really suffered recently.
She actually comes across quite well for possibly the first time in the series in her little exit tete-a-tete with Dermot, although my judgment may be clouded by the immense euphoria that she's finally going washing over me. Sure, Wagner is doomed in 5 minutes time, but you've got to take the rough with the smooth.
Dermot goes over to Louis, who hilariously doesn't know who's performing first. "It's Wagner", he finally says, in a manner not dissimilar to someone at a morgue identifying a dead body. Wagner is singing "Unforgettable" - this is the moment of the series and will not be topped. I'm not ashamed to say I haven't cried so much since Bambi.
In contrast to his Wagner intro, Louis calls Mary to the stage remarkably chirpily. Goddammit Walsh, stop rubbing it in. The hilarious thing about Mary's performance of YET ANOTHER BLOODY SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG is that it's so bad I think I actually preferred Wagner on vocal merit.
Judges' vote time! In what is quite possibly the most anti-climactic vote ever Louis sends home Wagner (take note Chezza, this is how you make a decision between your own two acts), Dannii sends home Wagner, and you can tell Cheryl is wetting her pants with the excitement of being able to hammer the final nail into the coffin and also declare that she "accepts his apology". I wonder if she apologized to him for being a gigantic bitch on live TV? Anyway, it doesn't matter really, nothing matters any more because our Lord and Saviour is gone. Goodnight, sweet prince.
Of course despite his vote not being necessary Simon has to say his piece - "We've put the show back in the hands of the public" he declares. There you go, it's official - if you voted Wagner, Simon thinks you're some kind of sub-human entity. The show has never truly been in the hands of the public, it's in the hands of the powers that be who pulled out all the stops to keep Wagner in the competition and then pulled the almighty screwjob when it suited them. If the competition is truly in the hands of the public then why do we even have this stupid judges' vote? At first it seemed like the judges' vote was to make it easier for them to get rid of crap acts who might otherwise hang around like bad smells, but bizarrely now its main use seems to be to seal said bad smells in the building.
Wagner highlight reel! "All I want to do is please otters with the sound of my voice". I'm going to miss him. "I loafed every moment that I spent here" - I suppose that's something that Wagner and the smug tosser from One Direction who doesn't do anything have in common.
One Direction, Rebecca, Cher, Matt and Mary remain, but now a single reason to actually continue to watch this nonsense does not. So, umm, I'll see you next week then, sigh.
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