Working for OFCOM must be such a great job for 10 months a year. I mean, what do they actually do during the downtime when legions of X Factor viewers have no silly show to write in and complain about?
Yes, it's the X Factor, it's the results, and it's another predictable controversy!
Yay, Alexandra Burke is back! And some band called "The Cast of Glee". That's a pretty weird name for a band if you ask me. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas too. Well, at least it's not Bieber and The Wanted (what are they wanted for anyway? Crimes against music?).
The judges enter and take their seats, and Dermot announces "It's all down to you". Foreshadowing is fun!
Alex time! She's sold over 4 million albums apparently - approximately 4 million times more then Joe McDingleberry. There's a clip of her audition, complete with Cheryl saying "I was just blown away... you were born to sing" so you can see what an EXCELLENT JUDGE OF TALENT she is, and not at all because that's the sort of crap she says to anyone who auditions with a half-decent voice.
Tonight, she is singing a dreary ballad. It's dreary. She's dressed like a virgin who's about to be sacrificed to the Dark Vampire Lord. Vocally she shows up the mob this year for the horrible singers that they are, but the song itself is unearthly dull. I was about to compliment the understated staging but now some dancers and even more bizarrely violinists are dangling from the ceiling and they've all forgotten to get dressed. And, err, now she's levitating, like Jesus in a dress made of toilet paper. It's all rather tasteless, and what any of this madness has to do with the lyrics for Generic Ballad #5873 or whatever she's singing I don't know.
"Can people fly if they buy your album?". "Maybe!". Sadly this won't be the biggest nonsense of the night. "You're all winners", she tells the contestants. Except for the four of them who are going to lose, although seeing as they'll probably get record deals anyway Alex has a point. What's the point of this show again?
Recap. Coffee time.
I've never watched 'Glee' before in my life, and I'm glad to announce that after tonight I'm going to continue to not watch it. First we're treated to a 'hilarious' VT introducing the "Something High New Directions". Sounds a bit close to One Direction for me, although as the backing track starts "Dadadadadadadada"-ing and they mime hilariously to it the similarities become more evident. Really, this is quite possibly the least convincing miming I've ever seen, they look like goldfish the way their mouths are bobbing open and closed.
What follows is possibly the worst thing I've ever seen on the X Factor. I don't want to talk about it. The only redeeming part is when the fat black one scream in Simon Cowell's face. I still know nothing about Glee but I can only assume that given that there's a fat black one, a nerdy one in a wheelchair and an Asian one (perhaps two I can't remember and I'm not rewatching it) it's basically like 'Political Correctness - The Musical - The TV Show'. When the fat black one and the wheelchair guy start singing at each other I begin to wonder if I've tuned into a comedy show on another channel by mistake (it's okay guys, I looked on the internet and he's not really wheelchair-bound so making fun is cool).
If the producers had just picked a dozen people at random from the audience and asked them to sing "Don't Stop Believing" then it would have sounded better.
"We have a tour coming up!", one of the PC warriors yells.
"Are you guys going to come?", another asks.
Silence. Tumbleweed floats aimlessly by. The highlight of their appearance by far.
Black Eyed Peas and results after the break!
Lines closed! Oh the drama! "Apart from your own acts, who do you think nailed it last night?" Dermot asks the judges. "One Direction", Cowell replies. I find myself "ummm"-ing for various reasons.
Black Eyed Peas! They're singing a bizarre cover of "I've Had The Time of My Life (With The Auto-Tune)", complete with dancers with boxes on their heads (sorry guys but it's been sort of done before in that bingo advert). The thing with BEP is they range from the ridiculous to the sublime, but this is just as stupid as you would expect them covering this song would be. Fergie is miming a recording of stuttering, brilliant. It's like Glee and BEP are competing to see who can butcher a classic song the most.
"Hello Will, please pimp Cheryl's two acts as much as you can. Oh, and your album and single too, I suppose". Cringe.
Ads.
"Time to see who's made it through and who will have to sing one last time in the final showdown". Wait what? Yes, there's going to be a sing-off. In the semi-final. Just like there was last yea- oh wait - just like there was the year befo- oh wait. Oh well, goodbye Mary, nice knowing you.
The lack of transparency is the most annoying thing. I'm certain that in previous weeks the sing-off has been mentioned multiple times early in the results show and even on the Saturday show, but this week? Nothing, until now. Dermot has been very careful with his words. Frankly, it's absurd, even more so because if they'd just said there would be a sing-off on Saturday there wouldn't be half the fuss being made that there is now because let's face it, a Cher/Mary bottom two was hardly the most difficult thing in the world to predict. Oh wait, this is the X Factor, where fuss and controversy are like life-sustaining drugs.
One Direction are called safe, followed by Rebecca and Matt. Predictable.
"They will each sing a song that they believe will get them into the final". Umm, I don't think for one second Mary thinks she's getting into the final, Dermot. Mary's singing "It's A Man's World" (again), and Cher, she who wants to put a fresh slant on British music and not sing ballads ever because they're not 'her' is singing, err, "Everytime" by Britney. A ballad, if you will.
Really, why do they even bother with the sing-off? I can't recall a single instance in the last couple of series where the sing-off has actually had an effect. Of course it doesn't matter that Mary sings rings around Cher, who looks like she's having a Weasel-style nervous breakdown as she ploughs through her song.
Louis saves Mary. Dannii finally succumbs to the puppet-master and saves Cher. Note that I'm saying "saves" as opposed to "sends home" because Dermot has bizarrely asked that the judges name the act they're sending through this time. Sepp Blatter is going to appear on stage with an envelope saying "Cher" at any time now, I can feel it. Cheryl saves Cher, and of course Simon does too, after a thinly-veiled "Keep your mouth shut about this complete ridiculousness" threat aimed at Mary based on something she said on ITV2 or something (I don't watch that show because Christ, watching Konnie Huq present is like watching cars repeatedly and continually crashing into the stage).
Of course the question on everybody's lips is what's next for Mary's Till?
Next week it's the final! Your votes will be counted, verified, and then probably ignored! It's as yet unconfirmed whether there will be a sing-off and judges' vote between the final two, but I'd rate the chances at 'likely'.
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