In the absence of LORD WAGNER, the duets are the big comedy draw for the final. Who will duet with who? Who will get starstruck, Alexandra-style, and become a quivering wreck? What particular cocktail of performance-enhancers will Robbie Williams be on tonight? The questions are endless, the comedy potential is too.
"I was told she really wants to sing with Matt". Yes, I can just imagine Rihanna on the phone to her agent declaring "STOP EVERYTHING, I NEED TO GET MYSELF ON STAGE WITH THAT PAINTER GUY WITH THE HAT FROM THE X FACTOR IMMEDIATELY". Oops, did I spoil it? The most annoying part of the VTs is the insistance on referring to the celebrity as "this person". Look, as soon as the music starts we're going to know who it is anyway, so just bloody tell us. Christ.
Oh my his voice is even straining during the quiet bits. This isn't good. It's "Unfaithful" and it's Matt's absolute pleasure and honour to introduce Rihanna. However much she's getting paid to feign sexual chemistry with Matt, it's not nearly enough. Look, they're so hot for each other that they've set the stage on fire! Matt's eyes seem hilariously fixed to the floor, embarassed teenage boy-style. The most comical part is that this is as good as the duets get, folks, so enjoy it.
"You just duetted with Rihanna, how does that feel?"
"Uhh, do you have a Kleenex handy Dermot?"
Over to Cheryl. "Next up, with one of the most BEAUTIFUL songs in the world, it's Rebecca Ferguson". She doesn't really do subtlety, does our Chezza.
Yes, she's singing "Beautiful". It's all going well until Christina shows up. Not because she can't sing, but because Rebecca has some kind of seizure, and her lips fall victim to the "can't move" curse that afflicts the rest of her body. She just sort of stands there with an inane grin fixed on her face, as Christina fills in for essentially the entire rest of the song. Rebecca's claim that she was "blown away" by hearing she'd be duetting with Christina turned out to be strangely prophetic. Cringe. On the plus side, Christina is an infinitely better vocalist, so hey, things probably turned out for the best.
One Direction to come after some more deliciously expensive ads!
"There was only one person these guys could duet with", Simon announces. Joe Pasquale? Rolf Harris? Mr Blobby? Zag out of Zig and Zag? I'm intrigued.
VT highlight is definitely evil Simon stroking a dog, although disappointingly he doesn't once say "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME GADGET".
It's "She's The One", and you know what that means. Five young boys, smartly dressed and eager to impress and give a polished, professional performance (tee hee) are joined on stage by a raving lunatic who's off his head on something or other, possibly Tizer. Best bit is soon after Robbie enters and the boys forget to sing a backing part leaving just the backing track which makes things sound, err, exactly the same as if they were 'singing'. Strange, that. This is immediately followed by Robbie looking from side-to-side at them, internally screaming "MIME YOU DUMB BASTARDS" I'm sure. "You'll be so high you'll be flying" indeed, Robbie.
There's more sexual chemistry between the boys and Robbie than there was between Matt and Rihanna, too.
Phone hands from Williams! Someone shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, please.
Over to Cheryl again. "As soon as you think who to guest star with Cher, this is the person you'd want". Harold Shipman? Kim Jong-Il? The possibilities are endless.
The first thing that strikes you is that Cher is dressed bizarrely. One part French Maid, one part cocktail waitress, and one part chav - it's frankly hilarious. She's singing "Where Is The Love?" (hint: the love is going to all the more likeable acts like Matt, Rebecca, and Hitler and his amazing dancing Goebbels, dear). It morphs into "I Gotta Feeling" as she introduces Will I Am, who looks as he always does like a malnourished Mr T. This is awful. Will is hilariously way, way out of time on his own song. This is like something out of a kids carol concert where they try and slip an 'edgy' song in - horrifying. She's doomed.
Recap, because they still have to drag this crap out for the best part of half an hour yet. Then the judges get to pimp their acts, something which bizarrely Cheryl does a better job of than Dannii, who makes the world'd most unspectacular plea ever for Matt to win.
Guest performances! Oh good, finally some fresh faces! Oh, never mind, it's Rihanna again. "What's my name?", she wails. "IT'S RIHANNA DEAR, RIHANNA! AND TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF ISN'T GOING TO MAKE YOU MORE LIKELY TO REMEMBER", the nation wails back while it's not thinking "Bloody hell, she could crush skulls with those thighs". It's a good job she didn't wear what she's wearing now while duetting with Matt or the poor guy might just have spontaneously combusted.
LINES FROZEN! Oh no, now I can't call or my vote will not be counted but may still be charged! One wonders after the nonsense of last week how that's any different from when the lines are open, but I digress.
Christina Aguilera again! She's singing a song from her new film Burlesque, alternative title "You've never been so disappointed to see a film rated 12A". This performance certainly needs at least a 15 rating and frankly I could use some of those Kleenex that Matt's been hoarding. Oh come on, it's the final, if I can't make masturbation jokes now then when can I? Anyway Christina's performance is basically half a dozen girls in saucy underwear gyrating on stage while Christina shouts a bit. Best guest performance of the series - I've rewatched it at least half a dozen times.
"When's the film out?"
"I DON'T KNOW OH GOD HELP SOME NASTY MAN STOLE ME AND MY FRIENDS' CLOTHES"
"It's out on Monday right?"
"I DON'T KNOW GOOD GOD MAN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CAN YOU CALL THE POLICE PLEASE?"
"Ladies and gentlemen Christina Aguilera!"
"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE?"
Magnificent. Ads time, or "recovery time" as I have newly christened it.
Here we go! Four enter, one leaves! There would be dramatic tension if we all didn't know that Cher's leaving already. One Direction safe! Someone kill me! Rebecca safe, Matt safe, GET THE HELL OFF MY TV YOU ODIOUS COW! She's come equipped with her best "Am I bovvered?" look, presumably because she's already got a record deal lined up. May God have mercy on us all. To be fair to her she's taking it far better then Chezza, who has a face like thunder throughout.
TOMORROW!
THESE BASTARDS ALL SING SOME MORE!
AND ONE OF THEM GETS TO WIN AND FADE INTO OBSCURITY WITHIN TWO YEARS!
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