In the absence of LORD WAGNER, the duets are the big comedy draw for the final. Who will duet with who? Who will get starstruck, Alexandra-style, and become a quivering wreck? What particular cocktail of performance-enhancers will Robbie Williams be on tonight? The questions are endless, the comedy potential is too.
"I was told she really wants to sing with Matt". Yes, I can just imagine Rihanna on the phone to her agent declaring "STOP EVERYTHING, I NEED TO GET MYSELF ON STAGE WITH THAT PAINTER GUY WITH THE HAT FROM THE X FACTOR IMMEDIATELY". Oops, did I spoil it? The most annoying part of the VTs is the insistance on referring to the celebrity as "this person". Look, as soon as the music starts we're going to know who it is anyway, so just bloody tell us. Christ.
Oh my his voice is even straining during the quiet bits. This isn't good. It's "Unfaithful" and it's Matt's absolute pleasure and honour to introduce Rihanna. However much she's getting paid to feign sexual chemistry with Matt, it's not nearly enough. Look, they're so hot for each other that they've set the stage on fire! Matt's eyes seem hilariously fixed to the floor, embarassed teenage boy-style. The most comical part is that this is as good as the duets get, folks, so enjoy it.
"You just duetted with Rihanna, how does that feel?"
"Uhh, do you have a Kleenex handy Dermot?"
Over to Cheryl. "Next up, with one of the most BEAUTIFUL songs in the world, it's Rebecca Ferguson". She doesn't really do subtlety, does our Chezza.
Yes, she's singing "Beautiful". It's all going well until Christina shows up. Not because she can't sing, but because Rebecca has some kind of seizure, and her lips fall victim to the "can't move" curse that afflicts the rest of her body. She just sort of stands there with an inane grin fixed on her face, as Christina fills in for essentially the entire rest of the song. Rebecca's claim that she was "blown away" by hearing she'd be duetting with Christina turned out to be strangely prophetic. Cringe. On the plus side, Christina is an infinitely better vocalist, so hey, things probably turned out for the best.
One Direction to come after some more deliciously expensive ads!
"There was only one person these guys could duet with", Simon announces. Joe Pasquale? Rolf Harris? Mr Blobby? Zag out of Zig and Zag? I'm intrigued.
VT highlight is definitely evil Simon stroking a dog, although disappointingly he doesn't once say "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME GADGET".
It's "She's The One", and you know what that means. Five young boys, smartly dressed and eager to impress and give a polished, professional performance (tee hee) are joined on stage by a raving lunatic who's off his head on something or other, possibly Tizer. Best bit is soon after Robbie enters and the boys forget to sing a backing part leaving just the backing track which makes things sound, err, exactly the same as if they were 'singing'. Strange, that. This is immediately followed by Robbie looking from side-to-side at them, internally screaming "MIME YOU DUMB BASTARDS" I'm sure. "You'll be so high you'll be flying" indeed, Robbie.
There's more sexual chemistry between the boys and Robbie than there was between Matt and Rihanna, too.
Phone hands from Williams! Someone shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, please.
Over to Cheryl again. "As soon as you think who to guest star with Cher, this is the person you'd want". Harold Shipman? Kim Jong-Il? The possibilities are endless.
The first thing that strikes you is that Cher is dressed bizarrely. One part French Maid, one part cocktail waitress, and one part chav - it's frankly hilarious. She's singing "Where Is The Love?" (hint: the love is going to all the more likeable acts like Matt, Rebecca, and Hitler and his amazing dancing Goebbels, dear). It morphs into "I Gotta Feeling" as she introduces Will I Am, who looks as he always does like a malnourished Mr T. This is awful. Will is hilariously way, way out of time on his own song. This is like something out of a kids carol concert where they try and slip an 'edgy' song in - horrifying. She's doomed.
Recap, because they still have to drag this crap out for the best part of half an hour yet. Then the judges get to pimp their acts, something which bizarrely Cheryl does a better job of than Dannii, who makes the world'd most unspectacular plea ever for Matt to win.
Guest performances! Oh good, finally some fresh faces! Oh, never mind, it's Rihanna again. "What's my name?", she wails. "IT'S RIHANNA DEAR, RIHANNA! AND TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF ISN'T GOING TO MAKE YOU MORE LIKELY TO REMEMBER", the nation wails back while it's not thinking "Bloody hell, she could crush skulls with those thighs". It's a good job she didn't wear what she's wearing now while duetting with Matt or the poor guy might just have spontaneously combusted.
LINES FROZEN! Oh no, now I can't call or my vote will not be counted but may still be charged! One wonders after the nonsense of last week how that's any different from when the lines are open, but I digress.
Christina Aguilera again! She's singing a song from her new film Burlesque, alternative title "You've never been so disappointed to see a film rated 12A". This performance certainly needs at least a 15 rating and frankly I could use some of those Kleenex that Matt's been hoarding. Oh come on, it's the final, if I can't make masturbation jokes now then when can I? Anyway Christina's performance is basically half a dozen girls in saucy underwear gyrating on stage while Christina shouts a bit. Best guest performance of the series - I've rewatched it at least half a dozen times.
"When's the film out?"
"I DON'T KNOW OH GOD HELP SOME NASTY MAN STOLE ME AND MY FRIENDS' CLOTHES"
"It's out on Monday right?"
"I DON'T KNOW GOOD GOD MAN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CAN YOU CALL THE POLICE PLEASE?"
"Ladies and gentlemen Christina Aguilera!"
"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE?"
Magnificent. Ads time, or "recovery time" as I have newly christened it.
Here we go! Four enter, one leaves! There would be dramatic tension if we all didn't know that Cher's leaving already. One Direction safe! Someone kill me! Rebecca safe, Matt safe, GET THE HELL OFF MY TV YOU ODIOUS COW! She's come equipped with her best "Am I bovvered?" look, presumably because she's already got a record deal lined up. May God have mercy on us all. To be fair to her she's taking it far better then Chezza, who has a face like thunder throughout.
TOMORROW!
THESE BASTARDS ALL SING SOME MORE!
AND ONE OF THEM GETS TO WIN AND FADE INTO OBSCURITY WITHIN TWO YEARS!
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Monday 13 December 2010
YIPPEE IT'S THE FINAL! (part 1)
Yes, it's been about 5 years since the series started, thousands of human beings and Chloe Mafia auditioned, and now, thanks entirely to the public vote and not in any way down to underhanded manipulation by the judges and the powers that be we're down to the final four!
We have:
Matt Curdle: He of the blood-curdling falsetto wail of death. Also wears a hat and paints and decorates from time to time.
Rebecca "Turd" Ferguson: Actually quite likeable. No idea why she's still in. Is from Liverpool.
Wand Erection: Imagine the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse found a fifth horseman who didn't really do anything apart from hang around and look smug. Then imagine these Five Horsemen didn't actually bother bringing about the apocalype but got hundreds of evil minions to do it for them instead while they just pranced around looking evil and pretending to do sinister things to impress His Unholiness. Welcome to the world of One Direction.
Cher "Yl" Lloyd: Loathsome chav with the highest column inches to talent ratio this series. Cheryl identifies with her for some reason.
"I think there's going to be a shock tonight", Simon muses. The X Factor getting through a whole show without any fresh voting 'scandals'? Smug Spice out of One Direction actually singing? Cher doing a duet with Shirley Bassey because Simon pre-booked her, convinced as he was that Mary would get through to the final?
Dermot helpfully informs us that tonight there are not only legions of shrieking lunatics in the studio audience, but also in Malvern, Liverpool, and wherever the other two are from! Rejoice!
Here come the judges! Cue the proposal of a bet with a friend that the first words out of Louis mouth this evening are "<insert act here> you're in the final!". He does like stating the obvious does our Louis, which makes it somewhat confusing that he's never called Simon a smug tosser, or Cheryl an airheaded talentless cow. Maybe he has a filter.
OH GOD PLEASE NO THERE'S A GROUP PERFORMANCE I THOUGHT WE'D SEEN THE LAST OF THESE ABOMINATIONS. There's Hermann! And there's Katie, who has pre-empted things being thrown at her by the audience by choosing to wear some sort of battle armour this evening. And here are some people we've already forgotten about and REJOICE FOR LORD WAGNER IS HERE! You might think the Wagster would lose some of that comedic effect he has by miming but if anything it makes him even more hilarious. Oh, the song is that one from "Flashdance", complete with its iconic rap segment we all know and love, performed by Mary... oh alright, it's bloody Cher. She's followed by the other finalists, who unlike the has-beens are actually singing live. It's easy to tell because Matt, well, maybe we should rename him Flatt Cardle after this. Maybe someone's been spiking his Lemsip.
Bizarrely lines open before anyone has actually performed. I can't £hink of a r€a$on why.
Over to Dannii and Matt first! The VT is now-standard X Factor final fare, Matt goes back to his hometown, rambles on about what a great journey he's been on without actually using he word 'journey' because it's been banned don't you know and rounding things off by crying a bit (but these were GENUINE TEARS as opposed to EVIL FAKE TEARS FROM SILLY FOOLS WHO ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY, okay?). Oh Christ, now his dad's crying.
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Dido.
Matt is singing "Here With Me", by Dido. It's rather boring, but it's hard to blame Matt seeing as not even Wagner could make a Dido song interesting. He's still struggling with his voice after his illness last week, methinks.
"Matt, you're in the final...". SHIP THE TEN BUCKS THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Louis is in cliché overdrive, like a man possessed, "You're a very ordinary guy with a very extraordinary talent", "I can't wait to buy your album", "You have to be in the final tomorrow night" (I bet he says this to all four of them). He declines to comment on the actual performance, perhaps because he like me missed half of it after falling into a coma. Cheryl and Simon think the song choice was fantastic. Perhaps they're stealthily calling him dull. According to Dannii, "Nobody has ever worked harder" than Matt has in the last few weeks, which if true is a damning indictment on the human race.
OHGODITSSTACEYSOLOMONSHEISINCOLCHESTERWITHLOTSOFSCREAMINGPEOPLEANDSHEISTALKINGVERYFASTANDICANTTELLATHINGSHEISSAYINGWHYISTHISWOMANONTVOHMYGODTHISISUNBEARABLE
Time for Cheryl to spout out unconvincing platitiudes about Rebecca!
Rebecca went back to Liverpool and cried a bit and oh you know the drill by now. Cheryl accompanied her to her house, where she is seen accepting a cup of tea (but only with one sugar in it).
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Corinne Bailey Rae.
Here's Rebecca, singing "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae, perched on a small raised cylindrical platform, possibly to stop her from moving around too much because we all know how much she loves to roam around the stage. To be fair it's a pretty polished performance, but this evening has been ridiculously down-tempo so far and this isn't improving things.
Louis wants everybody in Liverpool to lift their phones and vote for Rebecca. Err, that didn't work with Mary when you asked an entire country to vote for her, so quite why he's bothering I don't know. Oh, he wants her in the final-final too. That's 2 for 2 so far. The other comments are predictable - they're really pushing her as the "likeable" one this year.
So who's in Liverpool with the horde of screaming scousers? Here's a clue - she's probably the only scouse woman between the age of 18 and 70 who hasn't slept with Wayne Rooney in the past few months. Yep, it's Colleen "Doormat" Rooney! Hooray! I said we were 2 for 2 on people Louis wants to get into the final-final, now we're 2 for 2 on guest hosts whose words are completely indecipherable. The highlight is definitely Rebecca's friend who looks exactly like Rebecca except with lips that are about 5 times larger that hers, and some poor girl in front of her who looks like a young Vanessa Feltz.
Ads. One Direction after the break.
Of course with there being five of One Direction they had to make five home visits over the week. Well, four home visits and one appearance on Irish TV, anyway. Highlights included some frankly sizzling sexual chemistry between Curly Spice and his mum. Oh, and lots of shrieking teenage girls. Sorry girls, Curly Spice is already spoken for.
Hey, One Direction may be terrible but at least we can rely on them for something a little uptempo, right? They're singing the barnstorming, err, "Your Song". MORE LIKE YAWN SONG AHAHA AM I RIGHT? To be fair to the lads there's no thousand-man backing track this time, although it's easy to see why they've had the thousand-man backing in previous weeks when hearing them try to harmonise.
"One Direction, you're in the final". Why is Louis even here? "Everyone in Ireland must vote for Niall". No, seriously, why? Oh, he wants them in the final-final too. That's 3 for 3! Tellingly, not one of the judges comment on the actual performance apart from their mentor Simon, and even he half-arses it.
Over to Doncaster and Tina from Corrie, who seems to have recovered from the trauma of the tram crash and Ashley's tragic and untimely demise a little too quickly for my liking, although maybe making herself up to look like a Bratz doll and diving into a large crowd of people is just her coping mechanism.
Cher after the break, in the pimp spot of course. She has no chance but by God they're trying.
Cher got to go back the the ghetto that is Malvern, of course. Highlights include Cher's brother giving a little speech that he's never going to be allowed to live down either by his friends or his sister, although him copping a quick feel of Cheryl might numb the pain a little I suppose. Oh and Cher unable to believe how many people had come out to see her. Err, looks like a couple of hundred tops, dear.
After the incredible dullness of the first three songs seeing Cher is actually quite a relief, and I never thought I'd descrive seeing Cher as a relief. She's singing "The Clapping Song" which morphs into "Get Your Freak On", or as someone on the Digital Spy forums brilliantly described it, "Get Yer Free Corn". It's clear who the powers that be are with tonight, as while the first three acts got dull funeral dirges, Cher has got the full production number.
"I loved the mix between Rihanna and the other song". Err, Louis, maybe you should stick to stating the obvious and not actually trying to give opinions on performances if that's what you're going to come up with (for the uninitiated, neither of the songs were or have ever been by Rihanna). Damningly though he fails to say that he wants Cher in the final-final, so we all know what he's really thinking. "It's what you do with this now and how you approach people that will shape your future". That's Dannii code for "You're a giant bitch and I hate you".
And now, there follows a short clip of Scott Mills being assaulted in Malvern.
Duets to come! There may have been a tram crash in Corrie earlier this week, but that will be nothing compared to the barrage of car crashes that are imminent.
We have:
Matt Curdle: He of the blood-curdling falsetto wail of death. Also wears a hat and paints and decorates from time to time.
Rebecca "Turd" Ferguson: Actually quite likeable. No idea why she's still in. Is from Liverpool.
Wand Erection: Imagine the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse found a fifth horseman who didn't really do anything apart from hang around and look smug. Then imagine these Five Horsemen didn't actually bother bringing about the apocalype but got hundreds of evil minions to do it for them instead while they just pranced around looking evil and pretending to do sinister things to impress His Unholiness. Welcome to the world of One Direction.
Cher "Yl" Lloyd: Loathsome chav with the highest column inches to talent ratio this series. Cheryl identifies with her for some reason.
"I think there's going to be a shock tonight", Simon muses. The X Factor getting through a whole show without any fresh voting 'scandals'? Smug Spice out of One Direction actually singing? Cher doing a duet with Shirley Bassey because Simon pre-booked her, convinced as he was that Mary would get through to the final?
Dermot helpfully informs us that tonight there are not only legions of shrieking lunatics in the studio audience, but also in Malvern, Liverpool, and wherever the other two are from! Rejoice!
Here come the judges! Cue the proposal of a bet with a friend that the first words out of Louis mouth this evening are "<insert act here> you're in the final!". He does like stating the obvious does our Louis, which makes it somewhat confusing that he's never called Simon a smug tosser, or Cheryl an airheaded talentless cow. Maybe he has a filter.
OH GOD PLEASE NO THERE'S A GROUP PERFORMANCE I THOUGHT WE'D SEEN THE LAST OF THESE ABOMINATIONS. There's Hermann! And there's Katie, who has pre-empted things being thrown at her by the audience by choosing to wear some sort of battle armour this evening. And here are some people we've already forgotten about and REJOICE FOR LORD WAGNER IS HERE! You might think the Wagster would lose some of that comedic effect he has by miming but if anything it makes him even more hilarious. Oh, the song is that one from "Flashdance", complete with its iconic rap segment we all know and love, performed by Mary... oh alright, it's bloody Cher. She's followed by the other finalists, who unlike the has-beens are actually singing live. It's easy to tell because Matt, well, maybe we should rename him Flatt Cardle after this. Maybe someone's been spiking his Lemsip.
Bizarrely lines open before anyone has actually performed. I can't £hink of a r€a$on why.
Over to Dannii and Matt first! The VT is now-standard X Factor final fare, Matt goes back to his hometown, rambles on about what a great journey he's been on without actually using he word 'journey' because it's been banned don't you know and rounding things off by crying a bit (but these were GENUINE TEARS as opposed to EVIL FAKE TEARS FROM SILLY FOOLS WHO ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY, okay?). Oh Christ, now his dad's crying.
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Dido.
Matt is singing "Here With Me", by Dido. It's rather boring, but it's hard to blame Matt seeing as not even Wagner could make a Dido song interesting. He's still struggling with his voice after his illness last week, methinks.
"Matt, you're in the final...". SHIP THE TEN BUCKS THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Louis is in cliché overdrive, like a man possessed, "You're a very ordinary guy with a very extraordinary talent", "I can't wait to buy your album", "You have to be in the final tomorrow night" (I bet he says this to all four of them). He declines to comment on the actual performance, perhaps because he like me missed half of it after falling into a coma. Cheryl and Simon think the song choice was fantastic. Perhaps they're stealthily calling him dull. According to Dannii, "Nobody has ever worked harder" than Matt has in the last few weeks, which if true is a damning indictment on the human race.
OHGODITSSTACEYSOLOMONSHEISINCOLCHESTERWITHLOTSOFSCREAMINGPEOPLEANDSHEISTALKINGVERYFASTANDICANTTELLATHINGSHEISSAYINGWHYISTHISWOMANONTVOHMYGODTHISISUNBEARABLE
Time for Cheryl to spout out unconvincing platitiudes about Rebecca!
Rebecca went back to Liverpool and cried a bit and oh you know the drill by now. Cheryl accompanied her to her house, where she is seen accepting a cup of tea (but only with one sugar in it).
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Corinne Bailey Rae.
Here's Rebecca, singing "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae, perched on a small raised cylindrical platform, possibly to stop her from moving around too much because we all know how much she loves to roam around the stage. To be fair it's a pretty polished performance, but this evening has been ridiculously down-tempo so far and this isn't improving things.
Louis wants everybody in Liverpool to lift their phones and vote for Rebecca. Err, that didn't work with Mary when you asked an entire country to vote for her, so quite why he's bothering I don't know. Oh, he wants her in the final-final too. That's 2 for 2 so far. The other comments are predictable - they're really pushing her as the "likeable" one this year.
So who's in Liverpool with the horde of screaming scousers? Here's a clue - she's probably the only scouse woman between the age of 18 and 70 who hasn't slept with Wayne Rooney in the past few months. Yep, it's Colleen "Doormat" Rooney! Hooray! I said we were 2 for 2 on people Louis wants to get into the final-final, now we're 2 for 2 on guest hosts whose words are completely indecipherable. The highlight is definitely Rebecca's friend who looks exactly like Rebecca except with lips that are about 5 times larger that hers, and some poor girl in front of her who looks like a young Vanessa Feltz.
Ads. One Direction after the break.
Of course with there being five of One Direction they had to make five home visits over the week. Well, four home visits and one appearance on Irish TV, anyway. Highlights included some frankly sizzling sexual chemistry between Curly Spice and his mum. Oh, and lots of shrieking teenage girls. Sorry girls, Curly Spice is already spoken for.
Hey, One Direction may be terrible but at least we can rely on them for something a little uptempo, right? They're singing the barnstorming, err, "Your Song". MORE LIKE YAWN SONG AHAHA AM I RIGHT? To be fair to the lads there's no thousand-man backing track this time, although it's easy to see why they've had the thousand-man backing in previous weeks when hearing them try to harmonise.
"One Direction, you're in the final". Why is Louis even here? "Everyone in Ireland must vote for Niall". No, seriously, why? Oh, he wants them in the final-final too. That's 3 for 3! Tellingly, not one of the judges comment on the actual performance apart from their mentor Simon, and even he half-arses it.
Over to Doncaster and Tina from Corrie, who seems to have recovered from the trauma of the tram crash and Ashley's tragic and untimely demise a little too quickly for my liking, although maybe making herself up to look like a Bratz doll and diving into a large crowd of people is just her coping mechanism.
Cher after the break, in the pimp spot of course. She has no chance but by God they're trying.
Cher got to go back the the ghetto that is Malvern, of course. Highlights include Cher's brother giving a little speech that he's never going to be allowed to live down either by his friends or his sister, although him copping a quick feel of Cheryl might numb the pain a little I suppose. Oh and Cher unable to believe how many people had come out to see her. Err, looks like a couple of hundred tops, dear.
After the incredible dullness of the first three songs seeing Cher is actually quite a relief, and I never thought I'd descrive seeing Cher as a relief. She's singing "The Clapping Song" which morphs into "Get Your Freak On", or as someone on the Digital Spy forums brilliantly described it, "Get Yer Free Corn". It's clear who the powers that be are with tonight, as while the first three acts got dull funeral dirges, Cher has got the full production number.
"I loved the mix between Rihanna and the other song". Err, Louis, maybe you should stick to stating the obvious and not actually trying to give opinions on performances if that's what you're going to come up with (for the uninitiated, neither of the songs were or have ever been by Rihanna). Damningly though he fails to say that he wants Cher in the final-final, so we all know what he's really thinking. "It's what you do with this now and how you approach people that will shape your future". That's Dannii code for "You're a giant bitch and I hate you".
And now, there follows a short clip of Scott Mills being assaulted in Malvern.
Duets to come! There may have been a tram crash in Corrie earlier this week, but that will be nothing compared to the barrage of car crashes that are imminent.
Tuesday 7 December 2010
Results show 9 - "To Vote For OFCOM, dial 0870..." - December 5 2010
Working for OFCOM must be such a great job for 10 months a year. I mean, what do they actually do during the downtime when legions of X Factor viewers have no silly show to write in and complain about?
Yes, it's the X Factor, it's the results, and it's another predictable controversy!
Yay, Alexandra Burke is back! And some band called "The Cast of Glee". That's a pretty weird name for a band if you ask me. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas too. Well, at least it's not Bieber and The Wanted (what are they wanted for anyway? Crimes against music?).
The judges enter and take their seats, and Dermot announces "It's all down to you". Foreshadowing is fun!
Alex time! She's sold over 4 million albums apparently - approximately 4 million times more then Joe McDingleberry. There's a clip of her audition, complete with Cheryl saying "I was just blown away... you were born to sing" so you can see what an EXCELLENT JUDGE OF TALENT she is, and not at all because that's the sort of crap she says to anyone who auditions with a half-decent voice.
Tonight, she is singing a dreary ballad. It's dreary. She's dressed like a virgin who's about to be sacrificed to the Dark Vampire Lord. Vocally she shows up the mob this year for the horrible singers that they are, but the song itself is unearthly dull. I was about to compliment the understated staging but now some dancers and even more bizarrely violinists are dangling from the ceiling and they've all forgotten to get dressed. And, err, now she's levitating, like Jesus in a dress made of toilet paper. It's all rather tasteless, and what any of this madness has to do with the lyrics for Generic Ballad #5873 or whatever she's singing I don't know.
"Can people fly if they buy your album?". "Maybe!". Sadly this won't be the biggest nonsense of the night. "You're all winners", she tells the contestants. Except for the four of them who are going to lose, although seeing as they'll probably get record deals anyway Alex has a point. What's the point of this show again?
Recap. Coffee time.
I've never watched 'Glee' before in my life, and I'm glad to announce that after tonight I'm going to continue to not watch it. First we're treated to a 'hilarious' VT introducing the "Something High New Directions". Sounds a bit close to One Direction for me, although as the backing track starts "Dadadadadadadada"-ing and they mime hilariously to it the similarities become more evident. Really, this is quite possibly the least convincing miming I've ever seen, they look like goldfish the way their mouths are bobbing open and closed.
What follows is possibly the worst thing I've ever seen on the X Factor. I don't want to talk about it. The only redeeming part is when the fat black one scream in Simon Cowell's face. I still know nothing about Glee but I can only assume that given that there's a fat black one, a nerdy one in a wheelchair and an Asian one (perhaps two I can't remember and I'm not rewatching it) it's basically like 'Political Correctness - The Musical - The TV Show'. When the fat black one and the wheelchair guy start singing at each other I begin to wonder if I've tuned into a comedy show on another channel by mistake (it's okay guys, I looked on the internet and he's not really wheelchair-bound so making fun is cool).
If the producers had just picked a dozen people at random from the audience and asked them to sing "Don't Stop Believing" then it would have sounded better.
"We have a tour coming up!", one of the PC warriors yells.
"Are you guys going to come?", another asks.
Silence. Tumbleweed floats aimlessly by. The highlight of their appearance by far.
Black Eyed Peas and results after the break!
Lines closed! Oh the drama! "Apart from your own acts, who do you think nailed it last night?" Dermot asks the judges. "One Direction", Cowell replies. I find myself "ummm"-ing for various reasons.
Black Eyed Peas! They're singing a bizarre cover of "I've Had The Time of My Life (With The Auto-Tune)", complete with dancers with boxes on their heads (sorry guys but it's been sort of done before in that bingo advert). The thing with BEP is they range from the ridiculous to the sublime, but this is just as stupid as you would expect them covering this song would be. Fergie is miming a recording of stuttering, brilliant. It's like Glee and BEP are competing to see who can butcher a classic song the most.
"Hello Will, please pimp Cheryl's two acts as much as you can. Oh, and your album and single too, I suppose". Cringe.
Ads.
"Time to see who's made it through and who will have to sing one last time in the final showdown". Wait what? Yes, there's going to be a sing-off. In the semi-final. Just like there was last yea- oh wait - just like there was the year befo- oh wait. Oh well, goodbye Mary, nice knowing you.
The lack of transparency is the most annoying thing. I'm certain that in previous weeks the sing-off has been mentioned multiple times early in the results show and even on the Saturday show, but this week? Nothing, until now. Dermot has been very careful with his words. Frankly, it's absurd, even more so because if they'd just said there would be a sing-off on Saturday there wouldn't be half the fuss being made that there is now because let's face it, a Cher/Mary bottom two was hardly the most difficult thing in the world to predict. Oh wait, this is the X Factor, where fuss and controversy are like life-sustaining drugs.
One Direction are called safe, followed by Rebecca and Matt. Predictable.
"They will each sing a song that they believe will get them into the final". Umm, I don't think for one second Mary thinks she's getting into the final, Dermot. Mary's singing "It's A Man's World" (again), and Cher, she who wants to put a fresh slant on British music and not sing ballads ever because they're not 'her' is singing, err, "Everytime" by Britney. A ballad, if you will.
Really, why do they even bother with the sing-off? I can't recall a single instance in the last couple of series where the sing-off has actually had an effect. Of course it doesn't matter that Mary sings rings around Cher, who looks like she's having a Weasel-style nervous breakdown as she ploughs through her song.
Louis saves Mary. Dannii finally succumbs to the puppet-master and saves Cher. Note that I'm saying "saves" as opposed to "sends home" because Dermot has bizarrely asked that the judges name the act they're sending through this time. Sepp Blatter is going to appear on stage with an envelope saying "Cher" at any time now, I can feel it. Cheryl saves Cher, and of course Simon does too, after a thinly-veiled "Keep your mouth shut about this complete ridiculousness" threat aimed at Mary based on something she said on ITV2 or something (I don't watch that show because Christ, watching Konnie Huq present is like watching cars repeatedly and continually crashing into the stage).
Of course the question on everybody's lips is what's next for Mary's Till?
Next week it's the final! Your votes will be counted, verified, and then probably ignored! It's as yet unconfirmed whether there will be a sing-off and judges' vote between the final two, but I'd rate the chances at 'likely'.
Yes, it's the X Factor, it's the results, and it's another predictable controversy!
Yay, Alexandra Burke is back! And some band called "The Cast of Glee". That's a pretty weird name for a band if you ask me. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas too. Well, at least it's not Bieber and The Wanted (what are they wanted for anyway? Crimes against music?).
The judges enter and take their seats, and Dermot announces "It's all down to you". Foreshadowing is fun!
Alex time! She's sold over 4 million albums apparently - approximately 4 million times more then Joe McDingleberry. There's a clip of her audition, complete with Cheryl saying "I was just blown away... you were born to sing" so you can see what an EXCELLENT JUDGE OF TALENT she is, and not at all because that's the sort of crap she says to anyone who auditions with a half-decent voice.
Tonight, she is singing a dreary ballad. It's dreary. She's dressed like a virgin who's about to be sacrificed to the Dark Vampire Lord. Vocally she shows up the mob this year for the horrible singers that they are, but the song itself is unearthly dull. I was about to compliment the understated staging but now some dancers and even more bizarrely violinists are dangling from the ceiling and they've all forgotten to get dressed. And, err, now she's levitating, like Jesus in a dress made of toilet paper. It's all rather tasteless, and what any of this madness has to do with the lyrics for Generic Ballad #5873 or whatever she's singing I don't know.
"Can people fly if they buy your album?". "Maybe!". Sadly this won't be the biggest nonsense of the night. "You're all winners", she tells the contestants. Except for the four of them who are going to lose, although seeing as they'll probably get record deals anyway Alex has a point. What's the point of this show again?
Recap. Coffee time.
I've never watched 'Glee' before in my life, and I'm glad to announce that after tonight I'm going to continue to not watch it. First we're treated to a 'hilarious' VT introducing the "Something High New Directions". Sounds a bit close to One Direction for me, although as the backing track starts "Dadadadadadadada"-ing and they mime hilariously to it the similarities become more evident. Really, this is quite possibly the least convincing miming I've ever seen, they look like goldfish the way their mouths are bobbing open and closed.
What follows is possibly the worst thing I've ever seen on the X Factor. I don't want to talk about it. The only redeeming part is when the fat black one scream in Simon Cowell's face. I still know nothing about Glee but I can only assume that given that there's a fat black one, a nerdy one in a wheelchair and an Asian one (perhaps two I can't remember and I'm not rewatching it) it's basically like 'Political Correctness - The Musical - The TV Show'. When the fat black one and the wheelchair guy start singing at each other I begin to wonder if I've tuned into a comedy show on another channel by mistake (it's okay guys, I looked on the internet and he's not really wheelchair-bound so making fun is cool).
If the producers had just picked a dozen people at random from the audience and asked them to sing "Don't Stop Believing" then it would have sounded better.
"We have a tour coming up!", one of the PC warriors yells.
"Are you guys going to come?", another asks.
Silence. Tumbleweed floats aimlessly by. The highlight of their appearance by far.
Black Eyed Peas and results after the break!
Lines closed! Oh the drama! "Apart from your own acts, who do you think nailed it last night?" Dermot asks the judges. "One Direction", Cowell replies. I find myself "ummm"-ing for various reasons.
Black Eyed Peas! They're singing a bizarre cover of "I've Had The Time of My Life (With The Auto-Tune)", complete with dancers with boxes on their heads (sorry guys but it's been sort of done before in that bingo advert). The thing with BEP is they range from the ridiculous to the sublime, but this is just as stupid as you would expect them covering this song would be. Fergie is miming a recording of stuttering, brilliant. It's like Glee and BEP are competing to see who can butcher a classic song the most.
"Hello Will, please pimp Cheryl's two acts as much as you can. Oh, and your album and single too, I suppose". Cringe.
Ads.
"Time to see who's made it through and who will have to sing one last time in the final showdown". Wait what? Yes, there's going to be a sing-off. In the semi-final. Just like there was last yea- oh wait - just like there was the year befo- oh wait. Oh well, goodbye Mary, nice knowing you.
The lack of transparency is the most annoying thing. I'm certain that in previous weeks the sing-off has been mentioned multiple times early in the results show and even on the Saturday show, but this week? Nothing, until now. Dermot has been very careful with his words. Frankly, it's absurd, even more so because if they'd just said there would be a sing-off on Saturday there wouldn't be half the fuss being made that there is now because let's face it, a Cher/Mary bottom two was hardly the most difficult thing in the world to predict. Oh wait, this is the X Factor, where fuss and controversy are like life-sustaining drugs.
One Direction are called safe, followed by Rebecca and Matt. Predictable.
"They will each sing a song that they believe will get them into the final". Umm, I don't think for one second Mary thinks she's getting into the final, Dermot. Mary's singing "It's A Man's World" (again), and Cher, she who wants to put a fresh slant on British music and not sing ballads ever because they're not 'her' is singing, err, "Everytime" by Britney. A ballad, if you will.
Really, why do they even bother with the sing-off? I can't recall a single instance in the last couple of series where the sing-off has actually had an effect. Of course it doesn't matter that Mary sings rings around Cher, who looks like she's having a Weasel-style nervous breakdown as she ploughs through her song.
Louis saves Mary. Dannii finally succumbs to the puppet-master and saves Cher. Note that I'm saying "saves" as opposed to "sends home" because Dermot has bizarrely asked that the judges name the act they're sending through this time. Sepp Blatter is going to appear on stage with an envelope saying "Cher" at any time now, I can feel it. Cheryl saves Cher, and of course Simon does too, after a thinly-veiled "Keep your mouth shut about this complete ridiculousness" threat aimed at Mary based on something she said on ITV2 or something (I don't watch that show because Christ, watching Konnie Huq present is like watching cars repeatedly and continually crashing into the stage).
Of course the question on everybody's lips is what's next for Mary's Till?
Next week it's the final! Your votes will be counted, verified, and then probably ignored! It's as yet unconfirmed whether there will be a sing-off and judges' vote between the final two, but I'd rate the chances at 'likely'.
Sunday 5 December 2010
Live Show 9 - "Lemsip, with it's deliciously lemony taste, is the go-to cure for all your cold-related problems. Also now available in delicious blackcurrant flavour!" - December 4 2010 (part 2)
We're back!
And the performance order has changed for no reason!
Yes, up first for round 2 is Matthew, going on early presumably so he can be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip and some throat lozenges as soon as possible. Incidentally the theme has changed to "Get me to the final" songs, again in strong contrast to the "I'm A Nonentity Get Me Out Of Here!" theme of previous weeks. Unfortunately we got no more hilarious video of Matt at death's door in bed with his mother bringing him some Bovril (oh wait, his mother is far too middle-class for Bovril).
He's singing a song I vaguely recognize but can't place, and now might be a good time for someone to remind the viewers of how terribly sick Matt has been this week because everything is falling apart. The best thing I can say is it's probably the illness' fault, as the issue Matt has is an inability to hit the high notes, a problem which he's not had before.
"You are in the final". That makes Matt the 20,984th person to be guaranteed a finals berth by Captain Understatement Louis Walsh this year. Cheryl basically tells him it was shit but that's okay because people will vote for him anyway. "This for me was your worst song" - Simon's forgetting Beatles week, methinks.
Tesco Mary! "Mary can still win the competition", Louis bleats. Men in white coats to aisle three, please. Mary describes the difference between her in her first audition compared to now as "phenomenal". I'd describe it as more "nonexistant".
Oh my, it's "The Way We Were". Of course a smooth, understated yet passionate vocal is required for this song, and as such of course Mary is belting everything out at maximum volume after yet another atrocious start. Horrible song choice, she's doomed.
But wait! Tears! Mary clearly realizes she's sung horribly and needs to pull a joker out of the pack to save her skin! "This is not a time for tears Mary", Simon says, omitting the "...because you're ruining my plans for you to be eliminated tomorrow" that you can tell he's thinking. "You are not going back to the Tesco checkout sweetheart". Jesus, the way they talk about it you'd think Tesco was a third-world country sweatshop manned by slave labour.
"It's not a sad tear, it's a tear of loss for someone I love - a happy tear". So wait, she's happy her mother is dead? What?
Share and Rebecca after the break!
"This song was done by two artists. Bring those two artists together, and it's something Cher would do on her own". So, essentially Ms Cole is saying that Cher is as talented and capable as Eminem and Rihanna combined. Wonderful.
"I've never been given a song like this that has made me feel every single emotion under the sun" (bored), Cher says, in her usual monotone, robotic way.
"I'm a little but frightened, but I'm so excited" (bored).
"Being in the final means the whole world to me" (bored).
Okay, maybe those subtitles aren't such a great idea seeing as it's literally impossible (literally) to tell what Cher is feeling without her spelling it out thanks to her having the most boring speaking voice I've heard since Year 8 Physics lessons.
As hinted at earlier, it's "Love The Way You Lie", and it's awful. Her voice wanders all over the place in some sort of desperate attempt to find the actual tune before the world's most shouty rap ever begins. Atrocious. As flames erupt around her I can't help but will her to take a few sidesteps to her left and mave backwards a little.
"I would have loved to have heard you sing a ballad to get you through to the final", Dannii offers.
"Hmmmm" (deep-seated loathing and contempt), Cher offers in return. What a cow.
Then Dermot comes in and presses the point. "Ballads have been done and I want to bring a new twist to English music" (smug, inflated sense of self-importance). Keep talking dear, you might just talk away your chances of making the final at this rate.
"Next up, with her song that we pray can get her into the final, it's Rebecca". Cheryl seems to be having an epiphany of sorts.
The VT is dedicated mainly to describing how "beautiful", "amazing" and "stunning" the song she's singing is. My money's on "Barbie Girl", but disappointingly it's "Amazing Grace". She's come over a little bit Aiden, as she indulges in adding half a dozen vowels to every vowel in the song, so it's more "AAAAIIEMAAAAIYZIIIIEANG GRAAAEEICEEAEE" than anything else. I'm doing it a disservice because it's the first performance of the night I actually find myself liking. Of course it doesn't really go anywhere but people complainign about Amazing Grace not going anywhere are entirely missing the point.
"You're probably my favourite contestant ever". Whooooa Louis, let's not go crazy here - I know she's infinitely more likeable than the other tossers left this series but still.
"What I loved about it is there were no tricks, just sincerity", Cowell muses. Ironically, it's over to him after the break to introduce One Direction.
"You know what's coming - One Direction". We sure do, Simon.
Sympathy VT alert! Simon may think milking a cold is uncool, but milking the death of a grandmother is absolutely a-okay apparently! Yes, Zain hasn't been rehearsing with them so they've had to rehearse in a giant room in an attempt to replicate the invaluable echo he provides. Perhaps even more alarmingly, Zain's absence means Smug Twat Spice may actually have to sing. Into the bomb shelters everyone, the apocalypse is upon us.
But wait! Lo and behold, Zain returns! With a stupid hat! Yippee! "We've really missed him" Miserable Spice declares, with all the sincerity of Cher telling Dannii she appreciates her criticism.
They're singing "Chasing Cars". Quiz time!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (2)_________ people. (3) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (4) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (5) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
Yes, this was practically identical to the last quiz. Welcome to the world of One Direction, where the only road leads to predictability, and legions of brainless tweens (God I hate that word and hate myself for using it) are running down it. Actually there's a surprising lack of backing in the first chorus, exposing their terrible harmonies somewhat, but the army of backing singers triumphantly returns in time for the second one. Maybe all their grandmothers had died or they had colds or something.
"I think you're the next big boyban- I said that last week". Yes Louis. And the week before. And the week before that. And every single bloody week since the live shows started. "We've never ever had such a good band on the X Factor". Oh Dannii, I remember when you used to be at least tolerable. According to Simon we're supposed to be inpressed that they got up at the unearthly hour of 8 in the morning (heaven forfend, I had no idea such an hour existed!) to rehearse. Yeah, that's how bad things are this year, we're supposed to vote for acts because they performed the immensely brave act of getting up early one morning.
You know what this hideously bad show needed? It begins with a 'W', ends in an 'R' and has a bongo solo in the middle.
And the performance order has changed for no reason!
Yes, up first for round 2 is Matthew, going on early presumably so he can be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip and some throat lozenges as soon as possible. Incidentally the theme has changed to "Get me to the final" songs, again in strong contrast to the "I'm A Nonentity Get Me Out Of Here!" theme of previous weeks. Unfortunately we got no more hilarious video of Matt at death's door in bed with his mother bringing him some Bovril (oh wait, his mother is far too middle-class for Bovril).
He's singing a song I vaguely recognize but can't place, and now might be a good time for someone to remind the viewers of how terribly sick Matt has been this week because everything is falling apart. The best thing I can say is it's probably the illness' fault, as the issue Matt has is an inability to hit the high notes, a problem which he's not had before.
"You are in the final". That makes Matt the 20,984th person to be guaranteed a finals berth by Captain Understatement Louis Walsh this year. Cheryl basically tells him it was shit but that's okay because people will vote for him anyway. "This for me was your worst song" - Simon's forgetting Beatles week, methinks.
Tesco Mary! "Mary can still win the competition", Louis bleats. Men in white coats to aisle three, please. Mary describes the difference between her in her first audition compared to now as "phenomenal". I'd describe it as more "nonexistant".
Oh my, it's "The Way We Were". Of course a smooth, understated yet passionate vocal is required for this song, and as such of course Mary is belting everything out at maximum volume after yet another atrocious start. Horrible song choice, she's doomed.
But wait! Tears! Mary clearly realizes she's sung horribly and needs to pull a joker out of the pack to save her skin! "This is not a time for tears Mary", Simon says, omitting the "...because you're ruining my plans for you to be eliminated tomorrow" that you can tell he's thinking. "You are not going back to the Tesco checkout sweetheart". Jesus, the way they talk about it you'd think Tesco was a third-world country sweatshop manned by slave labour.
"It's not a sad tear, it's a tear of loss for someone I love - a happy tear". So wait, she's happy her mother is dead? What?
Share and Rebecca after the break!
"This song was done by two artists. Bring those two artists together, and it's something Cher would do on her own". So, essentially Ms Cole is saying that Cher is as talented and capable as Eminem and Rihanna combined. Wonderful.
"I've never been given a song like this that has made me feel every single emotion under the sun" (bored), Cher says, in her usual monotone, robotic way.
"I'm a little but frightened, but I'm so excited" (bored).
"Being in the final means the whole world to me" (bored).
Okay, maybe those subtitles aren't such a great idea seeing as it's literally impossible (literally) to tell what Cher is feeling without her spelling it out thanks to her having the most boring speaking voice I've heard since Year 8 Physics lessons.
As hinted at earlier, it's "Love The Way You Lie", and it's awful. Her voice wanders all over the place in some sort of desperate attempt to find the actual tune before the world's most shouty rap ever begins. Atrocious. As flames erupt around her I can't help but will her to take a few sidesteps to her left and mave backwards a little.
"I would have loved to have heard you sing a ballad to get you through to the final", Dannii offers.
"Hmmmm" (deep-seated loathing and contempt), Cher offers in return. What a cow.
Then Dermot comes in and presses the point. "Ballads have been done and I want to bring a new twist to English music" (smug, inflated sense of self-importance). Keep talking dear, you might just talk away your chances of making the final at this rate.
"Next up, with her song that we pray can get her into the final, it's Rebecca". Cheryl seems to be having an epiphany of sorts.
The VT is dedicated mainly to describing how "beautiful", "amazing" and "stunning" the song she's singing is. My money's on "Barbie Girl", but disappointingly it's "Amazing Grace". She's come over a little bit Aiden, as she indulges in adding half a dozen vowels to every vowel in the song, so it's more "AAAAIIEMAAAAIYZIIIIEANG GRAAAEEICEEAEE" than anything else. I'm doing it a disservice because it's the first performance of the night I actually find myself liking. Of course it doesn't really go anywhere but people complainign about Amazing Grace not going anywhere are entirely missing the point.
"You're probably my favourite contestant ever". Whooooa Louis, let's not go crazy here - I know she's infinitely more likeable than the other tossers left this series but still.
"What I loved about it is there were no tricks, just sincerity", Cowell muses. Ironically, it's over to him after the break to introduce One Direction.
"You know what's coming - One Direction". We sure do, Simon.
Sympathy VT alert! Simon may think milking a cold is uncool, but milking the death of a grandmother is absolutely a-okay apparently! Yes, Zain hasn't been rehearsing with them so they've had to rehearse in a giant room in an attempt to replicate the invaluable echo he provides. Perhaps even more alarmingly, Zain's absence means Smug Twat Spice may actually have to sing. Into the bomb shelters everyone, the apocalypse is upon us.
But wait! Lo and behold, Zain returns! With a stupid hat! Yippee! "We've really missed him" Miserable Spice declares, with all the sincerity of Cher telling Dannii she appreciates her criticism.
They're singing "Chasing Cars". Quiz time!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (2)_________ people. (3) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (4) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (5) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
Yes, this was practically identical to the last quiz. Welcome to the world of One Direction, where the only road leads to predictability, and legions of brainless tweens (God I hate that word and hate myself for using it) are running down it. Actually there's a surprising lack of backing in the first chorus, exposing their terrible harmonies somewhat, but the army of backing singers triumphantly returns in time for the second one. Maybe all their grandmothers had died or they had colds or something.
"I think you're the next big boyban- I said that last week". Yes Louis. And the week before. And the week before that. And every single bloody week since the live shows started. "We've never ever had such a good band on the X Factor". Oh Dannii, I remember when you used to be at least tolerable. According to Simon we're supposed to be inpressed that they got up at the unearthly hour of 8 in the morning (heaven forfend, I had no idea such an hour existed!) to rehearse. Yeah, that's how bad things are this year, we're supposed to vote for acts because they performed the immensely brave act of getting up early one morning.
You know what this hideously bad show needed? It begins with a 'W', ends in an 'R' and has a bongo solo in the middle.
Live Show 9 - "Lemsip, with it's deliciously lemony taste, is the go-to cure for all your cold-related problems. Also now available in delicious blackcurrant flavour!" - December 4 2010 (part 1)
IT'S!
THE!
SEMI!
*awkward pause*
FINAL!
"I genuinely can't predict what's going to happen". Well Simon, my guess is the five remaining acts are going to sing a couple of songs, probably badly and then one of them, probably Mary, is going to leave on Sunday. It's hardly rocket science.
Matt doesn't want to go back to being a 'painter', Mary doesn't want to go back to Tesco, Rebecca doesn't want to go back to Liverpool, One Direction don't want to go back to school and Cher just wants HER GODDAMN CANAPES WITH QUAIL EGGS AND BOTTLED WATER CHILLED TO EXACTLY 5 DEGREES AND THE RED SMARTIES TAKEN OUT OF THE TUBE THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU INCOMPETENT BACKSTAGE IDIOTS.
"I've never wanted something so bad" Cher says, in a monotonic drawl.
"Club classics" is the theme for half if this week, which seems a little tame given that in past weeks the themes seem to have been "murder classics", "butcher classics" and "flay classics while rubbing salt into their withered corpses" (that would be the week Aiden sang 'Thriller').
The judges enter, dressed disappointingly normally.
First up it's the girls (cue general astonishment and a chorus of "I bet it's Rebecca") and Rebecca (cue lack of surprise). Heaven knows how she's going to cope with a club classic seeing as performing club classics tends to involve actually moving on stage. They're going to have a job topping this for the funniest VT of the night award as Rebecca's scouse accent is deemed subtitle-necessary. This week Rebecca went to the NARNIA PREMIERE I HEAR IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE THAT THEY ALSO WENT TO THE PREMIERE OF. Liam Neeson says hello to her, though she turns away before he can add, "Umm, who are you?".
Cue snippet of Chezza being VERY HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE TO HER ACT REBECCA WHO SHE LOVES VERY MUCH AND JUST AS MUCH AS CHER HONEST.
It's "Show Me Love", and while Rebecca doesn't manage to dance she does walk a little bit while singing, so there are definite signs of progress. Her staticness is made up for by the general insanity of her supporting dancers, who've lifted some moves straight from the Wagner Dance Bible, and to be fair the staging does a good job of distracting from Rebecca's innate boringness and nasally vocals. Although the vocals work with the song to some extent this isn't a performance to get excited over.
The buildup of air in Chezza's head lifts her up off her feet while the judges clap. At least that's the best explanation I can come up with. Louis, who as we all know has an aversion to telling us where people come from, announces that "LIVERPOOL should be really proud..." of her. "She also showed us she can sing and dance" he continues. Should have gone to Specsavers. "This song came from Rebecca and we fought and fought and fought for it", Chezza begins as if recounting an old war story. "And it worked!".
I bet it's Matt and Mary after the break. "After the break it's Matt and Mary!" Dermot announces. Unlike Simon, I'm having no trouble predicting what's going to happen tonight thus far.
Up next it's Mary, from Dublin, in Ireland!
Cue bog-standard 'I was in the bottom two' VT. "I need to show people I'm worthy of this and all their voting wasn't in vain". Seeing as you have zero chance of winning dear, I'm pretty sure it was. She's singing "Never Can Say Goodbye (until about 8:55 tomorrow evening)", and it's becoming more and more obvious that now Wagner is gone Friedman has been left to run riot with the staging and dancers for everyone else. It's all very Butlins, apart from the first line which is very horrendous. It improves as Mary gets into her comfort zone of shouting everything, though.
"MARY'S GOT HER MOJO BACK!". Shut up, Minogue - it's bad enough when Louis does it. "I think this was a scene out of Louis' bedroom", Simon suggests, employing that well-known 'don't actually talk about the performance if you want someone out of the competition' tactic that he uses sometimes.
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"Lisa needs braces"
"DENTAL PLAN"
As Dermot reads her number, Mary elects to go for the under-utilized 'Phone fists' as opposed to the more traditional 'Phone hands'.
Curdle time! This week Matt has been DEATHLY ILL, as is proven by a hilarious recording of him at his parents' house being brought coffee by his doting mother. I can only imagine how that went.
*Matt's mother enters room with coffee*
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS"
"Umm, it's coffee Mr Producer"
"MATT IS ILL! GET IT? ILL! WHERE THE HELL IS THE LEMSIP?!"
"Umm, I'll go and see if I can find some"
(5 minutes later)
"Matt, baby, I know you're ill but the public needs to see your face baby! Pull those covers down a little and give a nice "I'm dying" look, straight at the camera.Now hold it - that's goooood, work it baby! Work that man-flu!"
"Here's the lemsip"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? WHO THE HELL DRINKS BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? MIKE, GO TO THE GODDAMN CHEMIST RIGHT NOW AND GET ME HALF A DOZEN SACHETS OF ACTUAL LEMON LEMSIP, STAT!"
Yes, unfortunately Rebecca's VT has already been ousted. This is infinitely funnier - it's essentially an exercise in damage control, "Matt's going to be awful tonight but that's okay because he's ill!". He's singing "You've Got The Love", made famous of course by Wagner at judges' houses. And yes, it's so awful that the pre-emptive damage control was entirely necessary.
"Can I just mention that I had a cold this week... but I don't mention it". Umm, Simon, you, umm, sort of, umm, just did mention it? Plus let's be honest singing on stage for a few minutes is a little more demanding than sitting down and being a smug twat for an hour or so.
Over to Cheryl, and mini-me!
While Rebecca needs subtitles apparently because her accent is incomprehensible, I'd like to make a plea to X Factor producers to add subtitles to Cher to let us know what she's actually thinking and how she's feeling, because her drone-like voice leaves this viewer for one utterly confused. Here, let's try it:
"I never expected to get very far" (meek, humble, as instructed)
"I was there with my mum looking back at the thousands of people behind me" ("wankers")
"I'm in the semi finals and oh God I'm too excited to even think about it" (excited)
"I think sometimes people may get a little confused about what I'm all about" (anger and bemusement as to why she is not universally loved)
"On stage I sometimes come across a bit cocky" (but you tossers watching don't like that apparently so I'm going to pretend to be nice)
"When I think about this song it makes me happy" (happy)
I feel such subtitles would enhance my Cher viewing experience significantly.
I have no idea what she's singing, but she's 'making it her own' by saying "HELLO!" during a line of the lyrics, just in case we didn't know what the word "Hi" meant, I guess. There's a pyramid thing on stage for some reason, and the performance is made infinitely more enjoyable if you imagine the dancers trying to scramble for the high ground in order to get away from Cher's horrific clubbing of whatever this song is. It's certainly not a 'club classic', whatever it is.
Judges comments are dull. Cowell doesn't even pull out the "You've had bad press but I think you're great (for now at least because you're a potential cash cow)" line. Maybe he's saving it for the second performance. Over to Cher - "I'm really happy about them comments, I can't complain can I?" (that bitch Minogue didn't praise me enough, but I must maintain my meek and humble disguise).
"Two words. One Direction". I've got two words for them and you too, Cowell.
They also went to the NEW NARNIA MOVIE PREMIERE OUT IN ALL GOOD CINEMAS AND EVEN SOME CRAPPY ONES RIGHT NOW, where they met some guy called JoeMcBlackberry or something. I guess he must be in the movie because I have no idea who he is... oh! He's done a song for the soundtrack! And look, there he is on the big screen! And look, there's Bowl-haired Spice looking terminally bored watching him!
The boys have been without a mentor this week because of Simon being struck down with the PLAGUE FROM HELL or whatever it was that he said he wasn't mentioning earlier. Luckily Cheryl has stepped into the breach and has apparently helped Smug Twat Spice out a lot with some top miming tips.
They're singing some Rihanna song. You know how it goes by now surely? Here's a quiz to make sure you're keeping up!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then (2) ________ comes in, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (3)_________ people. (4) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (5) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (6) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Answers at the bottom of the update!
Of course one of the last things we hear before cutting over to Dermot opening the phone lines is Simon on his hands and knees licking the viewing public's arse and saying "PLEASE VOTE FOR THESE GUYS AND PUT THEM IN THE FINAL OH GOD PLEASE I LOVE YOU ALL AND THEY'RE REALLY CUTE AND VOTE PLEASE".
After the break, we start again! Hooray!
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) "Refused-to-Dance Spice". ("Asian Spice" also acceptable for one mark and "Zain/"Zayn"/however the hell you spell it/"the token Asian one" for half a mark. "Curly Spice" gets half a mark as it's sometimes him who comes in at this point, but "Harry" gets no marks, sorry.). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(6) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
THE!
SEMI!
*awkward pause*
FINAL!
"I genuinely can't predict what's going to happen". Well Simon, my guess is the five remaining acts are going to sing a couple of songs, probably badly and then one of them, probably Mary, is going to leave on Sunday. It's hardly rocket science.
Matt doesn't want to go back to being a 'painter', Mary doesn't want to go back to Tesco, Rebecca doesn't want to go back to Liverpool, One Direction don't want to go back to school and Cher just wants HER GODDAMN CANAPES WITH QUAIL EGGS AND BOTTLED WATER CHILLED TO EXACTLY 5 DEGREES AND THE RED SMARTIES TAKEN OUT OF THE TUBE THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU INCOMPETENT BACKSTAGE IDIOTS.
"I've never wanted something so bad" Cher says, in a monotonic drawl.
"Club classics" is the theme for half if this week, which seems a little tame given that in past weeks the themes seem to have been "murder classics", "butcher classics" and "flay classics while rubbing salt into their withered corpses" (that would be the week Aiden sang 'Thriller').
The judges enter, dressed disappointingly normally.
First up it's the girls (cue general astonishment and a chorus of "I bet it's Rebecca") and Rebecca (cue lack of surprise). Heaven knows how she's going to cope with a club classic seeing as performing club classics tends to involve actually moving on stage. They're going to have a job topping this for the funniest VT of the night award as Rebecca's scouse accent is deemed subtitle-necessary. This week Rebecca went to the NARNIA PREMIERE I HEAR IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE THAT THEY ALSO WENT TO THE PREMIERE OF. Liam Neeson says hello to her, though she turns away before he can add, "Umm, who are you?".
Cue snippet of Chezza being VERY HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE TO HER ACT REBECCA WHO SHE LOVES VERY MUCH AND JUST AS MUCH AS CHER HONEST.
It's "Show Me Love", and while Rebecca doesn't manage to dance she does walk a little bit while singing, so there are definite signs of progress. Her staticness is made up for by the general insanity of her supporting dancers, who've lifted some moves straight from the Wagner Dance Bible, and to be fair the staging does a good job of distracting from Rebecca's innate boringness and nasally vocals. Although the vocals work with the song to some extent this isn't a performance to get excited over.
The buildup of air in Chezza's head lifts her up off her feet while the judges clap. At least that's the best explanation I can come up with. Louis, who as we all know has an aversion to telling us where people come from, announces that "LIVERPOOL should be really proud..." of her. "She also showed us she can sing and dance" he continues. Should have gone to Specsavers. "This song came from Rebecca and we fought and fought and fought for it", Chezza begins as if recounting an old war story. "And it worked!".
I bet it's Matt and Mary after the break. "After the break it's Matt and Mary!" Dermot announces. Unlike Simon, I'm having no trouble predicting what's going to happen tonight thus far.
Up next it's Mary, from Dublin, in Ireland!
Cue bog-standard 'I was in the bottom two' VT. "I need to show people I'm worthy of this and all their voting wasn't in vain". Seeing as you have zero chance of winning dear, I'm pretty sure it was. She's singing "Never Can Say Goodbye (until about 8:55 tomorrow evening)", and it's becoming more and more obvious that now Wagner is gone Friedman has been left to run riot with the staging and dancers for everyone else. It's all very Butlins, apart from the first line which is very horrendous. It improves as Mary gets into her comfort zone of shouting everything, though.
"MARY'S GOT HER MOJO BACK!". Shut up, Minogue - it's bad enough when Louis does it. "I think this was a scene out of Louis' bedroom", Simon suggests, employing that well-known 'don't actually talk about the performance if you want someone out of the competition' tactic that he uses sometimes.
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"Lisa needs braces"
"DENTAL PLAN"
As Dermot reads her number, Mary elects to go for the under-utilized 'Phone fists' as opposed to the more traditional 'Phone hands'.
Curdle time! This week Matt has been DEATHLY ILL, as is proven by a hilarious recording of him at his parents' house being brought coffee by his doting mother. I can only imagine how that went.
*Matt's mother enters room with coffee*
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS"
"Umm, it's coffee Mr Producer"
"MATT IS ILL! GET IT? ILL! WHERE THE HELL IS THE LEMSIP?!"
"Umm, I'll go and see if I can find some"
(5 minutes later)
"Matt, baby, I know you're ill but the public needs to see your face baby! Pull those covers down a little and give a nice "I'm dying" look, straight at the camera.Now hold it - that's goooood, work it baby! Work that man-flu!"
"Here's the lemsip"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? WHO THE HELL DRINKS BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? MIKE, GO TO THE GODDAMN CHEMIST RIGHT NOW AND GET ME HALF A DOZEN SACHETS OF ACTUAL LEMON LEMSIP, STAT!"
Yes, unfortunately Rebecca's VT has already been ousted. This is infinitely funnier - it's essentially an exercise in damage control, "Matt's going to be awful tonight but that's okay because he's ill!". He's singing "You've Got The Love", made famous of course by Wagner at judges' houses. And yes, it's so awful that the pre-emptive damage control was entirely necessary.
"Can I just mention that I had a cold this week... but I don't mention it". Umm, Simon, you, umm, sort of, umm, just did mention it? Plus let's be honest singing on stage for a few minutes is a little more demanding than sitting down and being a smug twat for an hour or so.
Over to Cheryl, and mini-me!
While Rebecca needs subtitles apparently because her accent is incomprehensible, I'd like to make a plea to X Factor producers to add subtitles to Cher to let us know what she's actually thinking and how she's feeling, because her drone-like voice leaves this viewer for one utterly confused. Here, let's try it:
"I never expected to get very far" (meek, humble, as instructed)
"I was there with my mum looking back at the thousands of people behind me" ("wankers")
"I'm in the semi finals and oh God I'm too excited to even think about it" (excited)
"I think sometimes people may get a little confused about what I'm all about" (anger and bemusement as to why she is not universally loved)
"On stage I sometimes come across a bit cocky" (but you tossers watching don't like that apparently so I'm going to pretend to be nice)
"When I think about this song it makes me happy" (happy)
I feel such subtitles would enhance my Cher viewing experience significantly.
I have no idea what she's singing, but she's 'making it her own' by saying "HELLO!" during a line of the lyrics, just in case we didn't know what the word "Hi" meant, I guess. There's a pyramid thing on stage for some reason, and the performance is made infinitely more enjoyable if you imagine the dancers trying to scramble for the high ground in order to get away from Cher's horrific clubbing of whatever this song is. It's certainly not a 'club classic', whatever it is.
Judges comments are dull. Cowell doesn't even pull out the "You've had bad press but I think you're great (for now at least because you're a potential cash cow)" line. Maybe he's saving it for the second performance. Over to Cher - "I'm really happy about them comments, I can't complain can I?" (that bitch Minogue didn't praise me enough, but I must maintain my meek and humble disguise).
"Two words. One Direction". I've got two words for them and you too, Cowell.
They also went to the NEW NARNIA MOVIE PREMIERE OUT IN ALL GOOD CINEMAS AND EVEN SOME CRAPPY ONES RIGHT NOW, where they met some guy called JoeMcBlackberry or something. I guess he must be in the movie because I have no idea who he is... oh! He's done a song for the soundtrack! And look, there he is on the big screen! And look, there's Bowl-haired Spice looking terminally bored watching him!
The boys have been without a mentor this week because of Simon being struck down with the PLAGUE FROM HELL or whatever it was that he said he wasn't mentioning earlier. Luckily Cheryl has stepped into the breach and has apparently helped Smug Twat Spice out a lot with some top miming tips.
They're singing some Rihanna song. You know how it goes by now surely? Here's a quiz to make sure you're keeping up!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then (2) ________ comes in, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (3)_________ people. (4) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (5) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (6) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Answers at the bottom of the update!
Of course one of the last things we hear before cutting over to Dermot opening the phone lines is Simon on his hands and knees licking the viewing public's arse and saying "PLEASE VOTE FOR THESE GUYS AND PUT THEM IN THE FINAL OH GOD PLEASE I LOVE YOU ALL AND THEY'RE REALLY CUTE AND VOTE PLEASE".
After the break, we start again! Hooray!
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) "Refused-to-Dance Spice". ("Asian Spice" also acceptable for one mark and "Zain/"Zayn"/however the hell you spell it/"the token Asian one" for half a mark. "Curly Spice" gets half a mark as it's sometimes him who comes in at this point, but "Harry" gets no marks, sorry.). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(6) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
Wednesday 1 December 2010
Results show 8 - Abridged version again - November 28 2010
THE WANTED!
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NICOLE SHER... SHIRT.... SCHER.... NICOLE OUT OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!
Great! There follows one sentence summaries of the guest performances because I'm losing the will to live.
The Wanted - What on earth possessed the dark forces behind this nonsense to get together one day and say "You know what the music industry really needs right now? A cross between Westlife and 5ive"
Justin Bieber - Is (s)he asking Cheryl to call him (her) so they can exchange make-up tips or effective miming tips?
Nicole out of the Pussycat Dolls - Nice bondage outfit(s), shame about the song that sounds like something that couldn't even pass post-trainwreck Britney quality control.
Sorry for the briefness but my God, what a horrible guest lineup.
Results! Rebecca safe, Cheryl looks like she's just been told there was a press mix-up last week and "Katie's gran" was in fact a typo of "Cheryl's gran". Really, why does she look so horrified? I suppose she was hoping to lose two acts so she could focus all her energy on mini-me or something. Matt safe, yawn. Cher safe, vomit. Only one spot left, and it goes to One Direction, /wrists.
Leaving us with Katie, Mary and Lord Wagner. I'm a little torn, one act needs to leave immediately and the only remote chance Wagner has is if he's up against Katie being in the sing-off for the millionth time, but at the same time the sooner The Weasel leaves the better. Who's going to get unceremoniously booted off!
HALLELUJAH
POP GOES THE WEASEL
Her highlights montage seems to drag on for half an hour. Just throw her out of the building already! "This girl's been through hell for eight weeks", Dermot happily announces. Yes, forget soldiers in the Middle-East, forget starving children in Africa, forget violently repressed minorities all over the world, it's Princess Katie who's the one person who has really suffered recently.
She actually comes across quite well for possibly the first time in the series in her little exit tete-a-tete with Dermot, although my judgment may be clouded by the immense euphoria that she's finally going washing over me. Sure, Wagner is doomed in 5 minutes time, but you've got to take the rough with the smooth.
Dermot goes over to Louis, who hilariously doesn't know who's performing first. "It's Wagner", he finally says, in a manner not dissimilar to someone at a morgue identifying a dead body. Wagner is singing "Unforgettable" - this is the moment of the series and will not be topped. I'm not ashamed to say I haven't cried so much since Bambi.
In contrast to his Wagner intro, Louis calls Mary to the stage remarkably chirpily. Goddammit Walsh, stop rubbing it in. The hilarious thing about Mary's performance of YET ANOTHER BLOODY SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG is that it's so bad I think I actually preferred Wagner on vocal merit.
Judges' vote time! In what is quite possibly the most anti-climactic vote ever Louis sends home Wagner (take note Chezza, this is how you make a decision between your own two acts), Dannii sends home Wagner, and you can tell Cheryl is wetting her pants with the excitement of being able to hammer the final nail into the coffin and also declare that she "accepts his apology". I wonder if she apologized to him for being a gigantic bitch on live TV? Anyway, it doesn't matter really, nothing matters any more because our Lord and Saviour is gone. Goodnight, sweet prince.
Of course despite his vote not being necessary Simon has to say his piece - "We've put the show back in the hands of the public" he declares. There you go, it's official - if you voted Wagner, Simon thinks you're some kind of sub-human entity. The show has never truly been in the hands of the public, it's in the hands of the powers that be who pulled out all the stops to keep Wagner in the competition and then pulled the almighty screwjob when it suited them. If the competition is truly in the hands of the public then why do we even have this stupid judges' vote? At first it seemed like the judges' vote was to make it easier for them to get rid of crap acts who might otherwise hang around like bad smells, but bizarrely now its main use seems to be to seal said bad smells in the building.
Wagner highlight reel! "All I want to do is please otters with the sound of my voice". I'm going to miss him. "I loafed every moment that I spent here" - I suppose that's something that Wagner and the smug tosser from One Direction who doesn't do anything have in common.
One Direction, Rebecca, Cher, Matt and Mary remain, but now a single reason to actually continue to watch this nonsense does not. So, umm, I'll see you next week then, sigh.
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NICOLE SHER... SHIRT.... SCHER.... NICOLE OUT OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!
Great! There follows one sentence summaries of the guest performances because I'm losing the will to live.
The Wanted - What on earth possessed the dark forces behind this nonsense to get together one day and say "You know what the music industry really needs right now? A cross between Westlife and 5ive"
Justin Bieber - Is (s)he asking Cheryl to call him (her) so they can exchange make-up tips or effective miming tips?
Nicole out of the Pussycat Dolls - Nice bondage outfit(s), shame about the song that sounds like something that couldn't even pass post-trainwreck Britney quality control.
Sorry for the briefness but my God, what a horrible guest lineup.
Results! Rebecca safe, Cheryl looks like she's just been told there was a press mix-up last week and "Katie's gran" was in fact a typo of "Cheryl's gran". Really, why does she look so horrified? I suppose she was hoping to lose two acts so she could focus all her energy on mini-me or something. Matt safe, yawn. Cher safe, vomit. Only one spot left, and it goes to One Direction, /wrists.
Leaving us with Katie, Mary and Lord Wagner. I'm a little torn, one act needs to leave immediately and the only remote chance Wagner has is if he's up against Katie being in the sing-off for the millionth time, but at the same time the sooner The Weasel leaves the better. Who's going to get unceremoniously booted off!
HALLELUJAH
POP GOES THE WEASEL
Her highlights montage seems to drag on for half an hour. Just throw her out of the building already! "This girl's been through hell for eight weeks", Dermot happily announces. Yes, forget soldiers in the Middle-East, forget starving children in Africa, forget violently repressed minorities all over the world, it's Princess Katie who's the one person who has really suffered recently.
She actually comes across quite well for possibly the first time in the series in her little exit tete-a-tete with Dermot, although my judgment may be clouded by the immense euphoria that she's finally going washing over me. Sure, Wagner is doomed in 5 minutes time, but you've got to take the rough with the smooth.
Dermot goes over to Louis, who hilariously doesn't know who's performing first. "It's Wagner", he finally says, in a manner not dissimilar to someone at a morgue identifying a dead body. Wagner is singing "Unforgettable" - this is the moment of the series and will not be topped. I'm not ashamed to say I haven't cried so much since Bambi.
In contrast to his Wagner intro, Louis calls Mary to the stage remarkably chirpily. Goddammit Walsh, stop rubbing it in. The hilarious thing about Mary's performance of YET ANOTHER BLOODY SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG is that it's so bad I think I actually preferred Wagner on vocal merit.
Judges' vote time! In what is quite possibly the most anti-climactic vote ever Louis sends home Wagner (take note Chezza, this is how you make a decision between your own two acts), Dannii sends home Wagner, and you can tell Cheryl is wetting her pants with the excitement of being able to hammer the final nail into the coffin and also declare that she "accepts his apology". I wonder if she apologized to him for being a gigantic bitch on live TV? Anyway, it doesn't matter really, nothing matters any more because our Lord and Saviour is gone. Goodnight, sweet prince.
Of course despite his vote not being necessary Simon has to say his piece - "We've put the show back in the hands of the public" he declares. There you go, it's official - if you voted Wagner, Simon thinks you're some kind of sub-human entity. The show has never truly been in the hands of the public, it's in the hands of the powers that be who pulled out all the stops to keep Wagner in the competition and then pulled the almighty screwjob when it suited them. If the competition is truly in the hands of the public then why do we even have this stupid judges' vote? At first it seemed like the judges' vote was to make it easier for them to get rid of crap acts who might otherwise hang around like bad smells, but bizarrely now its main use seems to be to seal said bad smells in the building.
Wagner highlight reel! "All I want to do is please otters with the sound of my voice". I'm going to miss him. "I loafed every moment that I spent here" - I suppose that's something that Wagner and the smug tosser from One Direction who doesn't do anything have in common.
One Direction, Rebecca, Cher, Matt and Mary remain, but now a single reason to actually continue to watch this nonsense does not. So, umm, I'll see you next week then, sigh.
Tuesday 30 November 2010
Live Show 8 - "Double Trouble" - November 27 2010 (part 2)
We last left off at the point where anyone who'd started watching late might have got their hopes up and thought it was all over, but in fact only the halfway point had been reached. Yes, everyone is singing again. Joy.
"If you do this song justice... we could go all the way to the final". Oh, The Wagster must be getting a great song then, right? Wrong! It's "Addicted To Love" and I don't care what anybody says, if "Girlfriend" is vying for the title of worst song ever to exist, "Addicted To Love" is right up there in the most mind-numbingly boring song category.
Of course this is Wagner though, the man who I'm quite sure could make washing the dishes interesting if he wanted. After the absurdity of him actually sounding pretty good in "Creep" this performance is a more classic Wagner - the "HELP ME" stare, the hilarious timing issues, nubile young ladies fawning over his gloriousness and liberal use of "Addicted to loaf". The dancers have clearly been given an instruction to "half-arse it" though, and I'm not talking about them exposing themselves to Lord Wagner again. There's energy lacking when you compare the staging and performance to the Very Best of Wagner, but that's all part of the plan. We can't have this 'talent' competition being sabotaged by people who can't sing, after all (apart from One Direction).
"I'm beginning to think you have an identical brother and you sent him to sing the song before", Danni tells him, as my brain explodes while trying to process the awesomeness of two Wagners. The Brothers Wagner could be the new Jedward, except likeable and actually funny! "It was like we were making this show in Egypt in 1956", Simon declares. I'm sure that he has a comment template and just spins a roulette wheel to fill in the blanks sometimes. "Ah yes, that reminds me of being in Tenochtitlan in 1440..."
"You know what's coming, it's One Direction". Yes, I know what's coming Simon, that's why the kettle's on.
"There's no big production, it's all about the voices". Oh my, they're in big trouble.
Oh no. It's "You Are So Beautiful". Remember when Lloyd (you know, the one who definitely didn't get it on with Danyl) massacred this last year? Well now there are FIVE Lloyds. The good news is that only three of them are actually singing. I'm completely serious, Irish Spice and Smug Tosser Who I Seriously Don't Think Has Actually Sung A Single Note In The Entire Series Spice just stand there doing nothing for the entire song. Heck even I Don't Feel Like Dancing Spice got a couple of solo non-"Oooooohhh" lines. Regardless of all these shenanigans, the performance is brain-meltingly dull.
I have trouble concentrating on the judges comments because THAT SMUG TWAT WHO HAS NOTHING TO BE SMUG ABOUT GIVEN THAT HE'S NEVER ACTUALLY SUNG ANYTHING IS LOOKING SO GODDAMN SMUG I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Seriously why is he in the 'band' at all? He's not particularly attractive, he obviously can't sing seeing as they won't let him and he looks like the world's most enormous pre-pubescent douche. Maybe the whole Katie controversy was just scripted so that nobody would notice this bell-end sneaking in through the back door (and I don't mean like Danyl definitely didn't sneak in through Lloyd's back door last year). Plus, if I recall correctly he's the one who disrespected Lord Wagner on Twitter! The nerve! I give the lads a year before the one who can actually sort of sing leaves to try and forge a solo career, the other three all brutally murder the smug tosser during a pay dispute before the Asian one has a mental breakdown, the Irish one goes to rehab and the curly one marries Jordan or Chloe Mafia or some other airhead.
Next up is Mary, who is apparently going to "sing her heart out". Seeing as if the judges are to be believed her having a heart actually makes her unique in this competition, this is a worrying development. She's going to get her mojo back for the 49876th time though, so no worries there. Maybe there's hope for that silent one in One Direction yet as something even less likely than him actually singing is about to occur, Mary is going to dance.
This is... err... something. She's singing "Brass In Pocket", and, umm, yes. Firstly she appears to have borrowed the jacket she's wearing from Storm Lee, and secondly her 'dancing' basically consists of shuffling about very awkwardly. Of course I didn't expect Flashdance or anything, but this is what all the fuss was about in the VT? The aural aspect is nearly as bad as the visuals too - "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MAKE YOU MAKE YOU NOTICE". Yes, by tackling the song with Brian Blessed levels of subtlety.
The judges throw some vague platitudes at her and Louis does that embarassing "PLEASE VOTE OH GOD PLEASE" thing (that he for some reason didn't do for Lord Wagner, funny that).
Rebecca and Katie after the break? Huh? Has Cher had another backstage tantrum or is the change in the performance order just more manipulation? We may never know, although my guess is it's a bit of both.
"Next up for your SATISFACTION it's Rebecca!". Then the intro to "Brown Sugar" starts playing in the VT. Hmm, mysterious, I wonder what on earth she's going to be singing?
DRAMATIC MUSIC
BREAKING NEWS: WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO INFORM YOU THAT REBECCA "LIKES HAVING FUN". WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR USUAL PROGRAMMING
Oh, quelle surprise, she's singing "Satisfaction". For the first time tonight, Wagner aside, I find myself sort of enjoying a performance. Yes she still has the charisma and stage presence of an ant, but there's a soulful, somewhat jazzy vibe running through the vocals and arrangement and it ends up being rather, well, satisfying (if Cheryl can make stupid plays on the titles of the song choices then so can I, okay?). Also, her name is helpfully displayed behind her on the big screen, just in case you forget who she is, which is a nice solution to what's probably a common problem.
The judges say the word "Aretha" about a dozen times.
Here's The Weasel! "Yeehr gonna see reyul emoshan from'er toneet", Cheryl warbles. No we're not, we're going to see the same contrived bollocks we've been seeing since day 1.
It's "Everybody Hurts", again perhaps sung as a tribute to the guy who did her gran without any lube, I'm not sure. The good news is the performance gets better as it goes on. The bad news is that's only because the first line is so hideously awful that I can feel my eardrums trying to escape. The best bit is the camera cutting to Cheryl giving a concerned look immediately afterwards, presumably so that deaf people or indeed people whose eardrums have pre-emptively fled know that it's atrocious too. She's MAKING THIS SONG HER OWN by "MMmmmMMmmm"-ing occasionally and randomly deciding to shout a line for no discernible reason. Oh and the arrangement deviates towards the end and it becomes some sort of warped gospel song. Brilliant. If the judges praise this crap then, well, I'll write some angry and/or sarcastic words here.
"I believed every single word of it". Well I certainly believed she was in excruciating pain while singing (and I know I was). Simon's main issue was with the song being "chopped up", for some reason Princess Katie herself is immune from criticism - of course the only reason it sounded awful was because it was "chopped up", Katie having a bloody awful voice has nothing to do with it - how dare anyone even suggest such a thing! "Another 30 or 60 seconds on that and it would have been fantastic". Another 30 seconds of that and I'd be lying on my sofa with a slit throat and covered in my own vomit.
Only Matt and Chuuurr to come!
Matt Curdle (as in "blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling") is singing, err, a song. I'll risk exposing my ignorance by admitting I don't know what it is. The guitar is back, as is the blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling. It's not bad, whatever it is and of course the judges wet themselves with excitement. Next!
Yes, Cheryl manages to get two of her acts in the pimp slot in a single show, which has to be a first. Purely coincidence, of course. She's singing "Walk This Way" while dressed as Queen of the Chavs, and she appears to have stolen Wagner's energetic dancers. It couldn't be more obvious the powers that be are pulling out all the stops to get her into the semi-final. The arrangement is hideous - "Walk This Way" is not and should never be a disco song and yet that's what we're faced with. She warbles her way through it sort of competently - I've said before that Cher is at her relative best when she's doing the not-quite-rapping-but-not-really-singing-either thing, and my point stands here.
Dannii is invoking the blaring backing track - she may have a point but given that as far as I recall she's never mentioned it when One Direction have performed I can't help but laugh. Surprisingly Simon completely disagrees with Dannii - he's not usually one to pass up the opportunity to be a giany hypocrite. "You're my cup of tea with two sugars in it", declares Cheryl. So I think what she's trying to say is that the reason I don't particularly like Cher is because I don't have sugar in my tea. Or something. It's also worth pointing out that it's around the time Dermot starts talking to her that I realize that her make-up job makes her look somewhat like a middle-aged drag queen.
"Tomorrow night and unknown to the finalists until now it's a double elimination". Apparently Mary is psychic, then.
"If you do this song justice... we could go all the way to the final". Oh, The Wagster must be getting a great song then, right? Wrong! It's "Addicted To Love" and I don't care what anybody says, if "Girlfriend" is vying for the title of worst song ever to exist, "Addicted To Love" is right up there in the most mind-numbingly boring song category.
Of course this is Wagner though, the man who I'm quite sure could make washing the dishes interesting if he wanted. After the absurdity of him actually sounding pretty good in "Creep" this performance is a more classic Wagner - the "HELP ME" stare, the hilarious timing issues, nubile young ladies fawning over his gloriousness and liberal use of "Addicted to loaf". The dancers have clearly been given an instruction to "half-arse it" though, and I'm not talking about them exposing themselves to Lord Wagner again. There's energy lacking when you compare the staging and performance to the Very Best of Wagner, but that's all part of the plan. We can't have this 'talent' competition being sabotaged by people who can't sing, after all (apart from One Direction).
"I'm beginning to think you have an identical brother and you sent him to sing the song before", Danni tells him, as my brain explodes while trying to process the awesomeness of two Wagners. The Brothers Wagner could be the new Jedward, except likeable and actually funny! "It was like we were making this show in Egypt in 1956", Simon declares. I'm sure that he has a comment template and just spins a roulette wheel to fill in the blanks sometimes. "Ah yes, that reminds me of being in Tenochtitlan in 1440..."
"You know what's coming, it's One Direction". Yes, I know what's coming Simon, that's why the kettle's on.
"There's no big production, it's all about the voices". Oh my, they're in big trouble.
Oh no. It's "You Are So Beautiful". Remember when Lloyd (you know, the one who definitely didn't get it on with Danyl) massacred this last year? Well now there are FIVE Lloyds. The good news is that only three of them are actually singing. I'm completely serious, Irish Spice and Smug Tosser Who I Seriously Don't Think Has Actually Sung A Single Note In The Entire Series Spice just stand there doing nothing for the entire song. Heck even I Don't Feel Like Dancing Spice got a couple of solo non-"Oooooohhh" lines. Regardless of all these shenanigans, the performance is brain-meltingly dull.
I have trouble concentrating on the judges comments because THAT SMUG TWAT WHO HAS NOTHING TO BE SMUG ABOUT GIVEN THAT HE'S NEVER ACTUALLY SUNG ANYTHING IS LOOKING SO GODDAMN SMUG I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Seriously why is he in the 'band' at all? He's not particularly attractive, he obviously can't sing seeing as they won't let him and he looks like the world's most enormous pre-pubescent douche. Maybe the whole Katie controversy was just scripted so that nobody would notice this bell-end sneaking in through the back door (and I don't mean like Danyl definitely didn't sneak in through Lloyd's back door last year). Plus, if I recall correctly he's the one who disrespected Lord Wagner on Twitter! The nerve! I give the lads a year before the one who can actually sort of sing leaves to try and forge a solo career, the other three all brutally murder the smug tosser during a pay dispute before the Asian one has a mental breakdown, the Irish one goes to rehab and the curly one marries Jordan or Chloe Mafia or some other airhead.
Next up is Mary, who is apparently going to "sing her heart out". Seeing as if the judges are to be believed her having a heart actually makes her unique in this competition, this is a worrying development. She's going to get her mojo back for the 49876th time though, so no worries there. Maybe there's hope for that silent one in One Direction yet as something even less likely than him actually singing is about to occur, Mary is going to dance.
This is... err... something. She's singing "Brass In Pocket", and, umm, yes. Firstly she appears to have borrowed the jacket she's wearing from Storm Lee, and secondly her 'dancing' basically consists of shuffling about very awkwardly. Of course I didn't expect Flashdance or anything, but this is what all the fuss was about in the VT? The aural aspect is nearly as bad as the visuals too - "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MAKE YOU MAKE YOU NOTICE". Yes, by tackling the song with Brian Blessed levels of subtlety.
The judges throw some vague platitudes at her and Louis does that embarassing "PLEASE VOTE OH GOD PLEASE" thing (that he for some reason didn't do for Lord Wagner, funny that).
Rebecca and Katie after the break? Huh? Has Cher had another backstage tantrum or is the change in the performance order just more manipulation? We may never know, although my guess is it's a bit of both.
"Next up for your SATISFACTION it's Rebecca!". Then the intro to "Brown Sugar" starts playing in the VT. Hmm, mysterious, I wonder what on earth she's going to be singing?
DRAMATIC MUSIC
BREAKING NEWS: WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO INFORM YOU THAT REBECCA "LIKES HAVING FUN". WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR USUAL PROGRAMMING
Oh, quelle surprise, she's singing "Satisfaction". For the first time tonight, Wagner aside, I find myself sort of enjoying a performance. Yes she still has the charisma and stage presence of an ant, but there's a soulful, somewhat jazzy vibe running through the vocals and arrangement and it ends up being rather, well, satisfying (if Cheryl can make stupid plays on the titles of the song choices then so can I, okay?). Also, her name is helpfully displayed behind her on the big screen, just in case you forget who she is, which is a nice solution to what's probably a common problem.
The judges say the word "Aretha" about a dozen times.
Here's The Weasel! "Yeehr gonna see reyul emoshan from'er toneet", Cheryl warbles. No we're not, we're going to see the same contrived bollocks we've been seeing since day 1.
It's "Everybody Hurts", again perhaps sung as a tribute to the guy who did her gran without any lube, I'm not sure. The good news is the performance gets better as it goes on. The bad news is that's only because the first line is so hideously awful that I can feel my eardrums trying to escape. The best bit is the camera cutting to Cheryl giving a concerned look immediately afterwards, presumably so that deaf people or indeed people whose eardrums have pre-emptively fled know that it's atrocious too. She's MAKING THIS SONG HER OWN by "MMmmmMMmmm"-ing occasionally and randomly deciding to shout a line for no discernible reason. Oh and the arrangement deviates towards the end and it becomes some sort of warped gospel song. Brilliant. If the judges praise this crap then, well, I'll write some angry and/or sarcastic words here.
"I believed every single word of it". Well I certainly believed she was in excruciating pain while singing (and I know I was). Simon's main issue was with the song being "chopped up", for some reason Princess Katie herself is immune from criticism - of course the only reason it sounded awful was because it was "chopped up", Katie having a bloody awful voice has nothing to do with it - how dare anyone even suggest such a thing! "Another 30 or 60 seconds on that and it would have been fantastic". Another 30 seconds of that and I'd be lying on my sofa with a slit throat and covered in my own vomit.
Only Matt and Chuuurr to come!
Matt Curdle (as in "blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling") is singing, err, a song. I'll risk exposing my ignorance by admitting I don't know what it is. The guitar is back, as is the blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling. It's not bad, whatever it is and of course the judges wet themselves with excitement. Next!
Yes, Cheryl manages to get two of her acts in the pimp slot in a single show, which has to be a first. Purely coincidence, of course. She's singing "Walk This Way" while dressed as Queen of the Chavs, and she appears to have stolen Wagner's energetic dancers. It couldn't be more obvious the powers that be are pulling out all the stops to get her into the semi-final. The arrangement is hideous - "Walk This Way" is not and should never be a disco song and yet that's what we're faced with. She warbles her way through it sort of competently - I've said before that Cher is at her relative best when she's doing the not-quite-rapping-but-not-really-singing-either thing, and my point stands here.
Dannii is invoking the blaring backing track - she may have a point but given that as far as I recall she's never mentioned it when One Direction have performed I can't help but laugh. Surprisingly Simon completely disagrees with Dannii - he's not usually one to pass up the opportunity to be a giany hypocrite. "You're my cup of tea with two sugars in it", declares Cheryl. So I think what she's trying to say is that the reason I don't particularly like Cher is because I don't have sugar in my tea. Or something. It's also worth pointing out that it's around the time Dermot starts talking to her that I realize that her make-up job makes her look somewhat like a middle-aged drag queen.
"Tomorrow night and unknown to the finalists until now it's a double elimination". Apparently Mary is psychic, then.
Monday 29 November 2010
Live Show 8 - "Double Trouble" - November 27 2010 (part 1)
NEXT WEEK!
IT'S THE SEMI-FINAL!
WHICH MEANS!
ONLY THREE WEEKS OF THIS CRAP LEFT!
This week it's rock week, which is essentially code for "sing whatever you want, much like you have been doing for the last couple of months".
Dermot introduces the judges as "a pair of rock chicks and a couple of headbangers". Cheryl does exhibit rock-like charisma at times so I'll allow it. OH LOOK HOW WONDERFUL SIMON JUST STOPPED CHERYL FROM DOING THAT STUPID SALUTE THING AND THEN SALUTED HIMSELF IT'S NO WONDER HE'S SUCH A HIT WITH THE LADIES. Honestly I worry for the two of them, with two performances per act to get through tonight they might end up ravenously jumping on each other before the phone lines even open ("dial 01364 901 118 if you want them to stop and get a bloody room").
Oh my, first up it's Wagner. Of course now we're at two performances each they can put The Wagster on first and still have him perform past the half way mark, so the powers that be achieve the desired result of screwing him royally while also not having a big negative impact on the ratings from everyone turning off immediately after Our Lord and Saviour hath performed. Great.
We're treated to more of Young Wagner looking strangely like Steven Segal. "The song I've chosen for Wagner... everybody knows but no-one would expect it". Actually Louis, absolutely everyone who's read a tabloid newspaper since the start of the week is expecting it. "I will have no dancers on stage", Wagner proclaims. They're really gunning for the poor guy this week, aren't they?
Yes, as everyone everywhere already knew four days ago, it's Radiohead's "Creep", and worryingly it actually sounds pretty decent, even taking my multicoloured funny hat off for a moment and replacing it with the dour grey serious one. "I don't belong here", Wagner declares. Louis might as well have dressed him in a leotard and have had him come out shouting "PLEASE VOTE FOR KATIE AND CHER AND ONE DIRECTION THEY'RE REALLY GOOD", because The Wagster actually sounding vaguely competent is not going to appeal to his demographic at all. Seeing as most of Waggy's voters have been busy protesting tuition fees all week there's really no need for such screwjobbery, as they'll all be partaking in a sort of mini-hibernation this weekend. Anyway, if I seem like I'm digressing that's simply because I can't believe Wagner actually sounds sort of okayish. The Lord hath provided us with a miracle.
All that we need now is some unusually good judges comments and an endorsement from Sir Simon of Cowell and the screwjob will be complete! There's some random skirmishing over Dannii saying that he "connected" with the lyrics (oh Minogue, you card), with Louis' hilarious rebuttal being "The lyrics are 'I'm a creep, I'm a winner'". The X Factor's rock credentials summed up perfectly in one sentence, and Louis namechecking Thom Yorke who I'm sure he's best mates with only serves to make it funnier.
Mary and One Direction after the break. Insert sarcastic comment about how the performance order is completely fair here.
Simon's clearly been non-stop rehearsing all week - he's naming each of One Direction for their introduction. This week they went into HMV to check out their charity single (I could have saved them a journey and told them it's shit, but they never asked). "When you've got a group this age, you've got to try and make a rock song young", Simon says, unconvincingly.
They're singing "Summer of '69" and clearly reminiscing over the good old days when the five of them were just wee little minus 25 year-old lads. As usual, bowl-haircut sings for a while then suddenly it sounds like about 200 people are singing the chorus. Simon's idea of making a song 'young' seems to involve having some dancers in streetwear wandering around on stage. There's a hilarious part towards the end where there's a backing track singing the lyrics over a backing track "Oooooooh"-ing over the five of them actually (sort of) singing. It's absolutely hideous.
"The competition would not be the same without One Direction". You're right Louis, without One Direction (a) the competition would be better and (b) I wouldn't have piercing headaches every Saturday night (or at least they wouldn't be quite as bad). "I think you're the next big boyband". Why do we have to have a "next big boyband"? Why can't we actually progress with the rest of the world who by and large don't give a toss about manufactured boybands singing derivative bollocks anymore? Simon wants us all to be impressed that Curly Spice managed to get through the incredibly difficult process of choosing a song. More like Curly Spice called his dad and got him to do his song-choosing homework for him.
"It's Mary Byrne, she's singing her heart out all the way from Dublin!" What, couldn't she be bothered to turn up this week?
There's obviously a problem with the holographic feed from Dublin as it almost looks like Mary isn't wearing black. She's singing U2's "All I Want Is You", shouty-and-devoid-of-subtlety version. It's all very Mary. If Louis Walsh says the word "Mojo" I'm going to kill someone (thankfully he doesn't).
Cher and Rebecca after the break!
Quote of the week: "You should actually take being in the bottom two as a positive thing" - Cheryl Cole. Yes it's Cher and the traditional "woe is me" VT that proceeds someone (usually Katie) being in the bottom two. "NEXT TIME WHEN I WALK INTO A SHOP LIKE THIS I WANNA BE BUYING MAH WINNER'S SINGLE". Oh dear, she's obviously been skimping on her "being meek and humble" training this week.
This week Cher is dressed and made up as sone kind of goth-Barbie doll and is singing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" and it's hard to be objective because (a) Cher is odious and (b) I think this may well be the worst song ever written. There's a car in the middle of the stage for some reason, which strangely reminds me of Storm Lee and his motorbike. Remember Storm? He was okay, although he did come across as a bit desperate. I think he would have done better if they'd pushed him as a Wagner-esque comedy option instead of having him unconvincingly bleat out Springsteen and- oh, yes, er, Cher. It's awful, there's a rap segment so out of place that it actually makes the worst song ever written even worse, and all in all it seems somewhat appropriate that a car appears to have crashed onto the stage.
"You're becoming like your mentor". Well Louis she's certainly got the "can't sing" bit down perfectly. "This was my favourite performance of yours" Dannii adds, opting to omit the "...because I hate you and this was so awful that even allowing for the bounceback vote you might actually leave this week" part of her sentence. Simon agrees (what planet are these people on?). "YOU ABSOLUTELY SMASHED IT SMASHED IT WHHOOOO". Ladies and gentlemen, The Nation's Sweetheart.
Dermot asks her if she wants to say anything to the nation. "Just pick up your phone, it's the only way you're going to see me again". Remember when Derren Brown tried to fool his viewers into thinking they were stuck in their seats? That's how I feel now, for some reason Cher asking me to pick up a phone if I want to see her again has made my entire body go numb and refuse to move even an inch. Funny, that. I think Derren's experiment would have worked infinitely better if he had just played a loop of Cher saying that for 5 minutes, in all honesty.
Rebecca next, and there follows a brief period of reflecting on the fact that (a) she was crap last week and (b) she's from LIVERPOOL. "I had to think really carefully about the song I was choosing for her". What Cheryl, does the song have words in its title with more than one syllable in them?
For ageing rockers night Rebecca is also singing a U2 song! Yay for variety! It's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (a decent mentor)". It's better than last week (although having one's toenails removed with rusty pliers would have been preferable to her offering last week), but there's still something missing. I can't imagine anyone actually enjoying seeing her in concert because she has enough difficulty sustaining my interest for the duration of one song. No such problem for the judges though, who are all chomping at the bit to get some Rebecca-worship done.
Matt and Katie next!
Matt has fortunately remembered his shirt and jacket this week, and is singing "I Love Rock and Roll (nearly as much as I love girly ballads). Louis "You're thre most consistent performer on the competition" sums him up really. You know what you're going to get from Matt, and that's competent yet uninspiring background music versions of your favourite classics (usually girly ballads) resulting in him being bizzarely popular. If Chris Martin ever leaves Coldplay Matt will probably be the first to hear about it.
"The mask is being removed". Yes, that's why Katie had her hair cut. I'm pretty sure that the only way to actually remove her mask would be to chop her head off and that's just ridiculou... hmm, it could work, maybe it's worth a go? "I don't have to try to be anybody else to make a good impression" she declares, making her decision in past weeks to be about 63 different people all of whom the public hated seem even more baffling. The most hilarious thing of all is that still nobody seems to have realized that probably at least half of the people who are bothered by her would have stopped caring by now if everyone on the programme had just shut the hell up about "THE REAL KATIE" a month ago.
Oh wow. They're going to have a job topping this for most hilarious song choice of the series. It's "Sex On Fire", which the rumour mill suggests is being performed as a tribute to an unfortunate client of her grandmother's who forgot to bring a few tubes of lubricant along with him. In fact, imagine if you dare that you were that client and that's a physical representation of what this tragic assault on the viewers' ears sounds like. Katie is the 'EastEnders' of X Factor contestants - if you pay attention to the aforementioned soap opera for a while you will notice that the characters only ever whisper loudly or shout at each other, no dialogue is ever spoken 'normally' and that's what Katie does. She loudly whispers her way through the verses then uncomfortably shouts the chorus, and she indulges in the X Factor tradition of Making The Song Her Own by, umm, shouting "YEAH!", "WOOO!" and various other things at random, like she has polite Tourettes.
"I can see you fronting your own rock band", Louis informs her. Move over Siouxsie and the Banshees, it's Katie and the Weasels! In other news it's taken Dannii "Quick off the mark" Minogue two months to notice that Katie might just be trying a little teensy-weensy itsy-bitsy bit too hard. "Only you... could come out on that stage and sing my sex is on fire". Oh my, Simon hasn't just gone there, he's bought a giant mansion and moved in there.
Lines open, and after the break we start all over again. I'm going to need 100cc of pure alcohol, stat.
IT'S THE SEMI-FINAL!
WHICH MEANS!
ONLY THREE WEEKS OF THIS CRAP LEFT!
This week it's rock week, which is essentially code for "sing whatever you want, much like you have been doing for the last couple of months".
Dermot introduces the judges as "a pair of rock chicks and a couple of headbangers". Cheryl does exhibit rock-like charisma at times so I'll allow it. OH LOOK HOW WONDERFUL SIMON JUST STOPPED CHERYL FROM DOING THAT STUPID SALUTE THING AND THEN SALUTED HIMSELF IT'S NO WONDER HE'S SUCH A HIT WITH THE LADIES. Honestly I worry for the two of them, with two performances per act to get through tonight they might end up ravenously jumping on each other before the phone lines even open ("dial 01364 901 118 if you want them to stop and get a bloody room").
Oh my, first up it's Wagner. Of course now we're at two performances each they can put The Wagster on first and still have him perform past the half way mark, so the powers that be achieve the desired result of screwing him royally while also not having a big negative impact on the ratings from everyone turning off immediately after Our Lord and Saviour hath performed. Great.
We're treated to more of Young Wagner looking strangely like Steven Segal. "The song I've chosen for Wagner... everybody knows but no-one would expect it". Actually Louis, absolutely everyone who's read a tabloid newspaper since the start of the week is expecting it. "I will have no dancers on stage", Wagner proclaims. They're really gunning for the poor guy this week, aren't they?
Yes, as everyone everywhere already knew four days ago, it's Radiohead's "Creep", and worryingly it actually sounds pretty decent, even taking my multicoloured funny hat off for a moment and replacing it with the dour grey serious one. "I don't belong here", Wagner declares. Louis might as well have dressed him in a leotard and have had him come out shouting "PLEASE VOTE FOR KATIE AND CHER AND ONE DIRECTION THEY'RE REALLY GOOD", because The Wagster actually sounding vaguely competent is not going to appeal to his demographic at all. Seeing as most of Waggy's voters have been busy protesting tuition fees all week there's really no need for such screwjobbery, as they'll all be partaking in a sort of mini-hibernation this weekend. Anyway, if I seem like I'm digressing that's simply because I can't believe Wagner actually sounds sort of okayish. The Lord hath provided us with a miracle.
All that we need now is some unusually good judges comments and an endorsement from Sir Simon of Cowell and the screwjob will be complete! There's some random skirmishing over Dannii saying that he "connected" with the lyrics (oh Minogue, you card), with Louis' hilarious rebuttal being "The lyrics are 'I'm a creep, I'm a winner'". The X Factor's rock credentials summed up perfectly in one sentence, and Louis namechecking Thom Yorke who I'm sure he's best mates with only serves to make it funnier.
Mary and One Direction after the break. Insert sarcastic comment about how the performance order is completely fair here.
Simon's clearly been non-stop rehearsing all week - he's naming each of One Direction for their introduction. This week they went into HMV to check out their charity single (I could have saved them a journey and told them it's shit, but they never asked). "When you've got a group this age, you've got to try and make a rock song young", Simon says, unconvincingly.
They're singing "Summer of '69" and clearly reminiscing over the good old days when the five of them were just wee little minus 25 year-old lads. As usual, bowl-haircut sings for a while then suddenly it sounds like about 200 people are singing the chorus. Simon's idea of making a song 'young' seems to involve having some dancers in streetwear wandering around on stage. There's a hilarious part towards the end where there's a backing track singing the lyrics over a backing track "Oooooooh"-ing over the five of them actually (sort of) singing. It's absolutely hideous.
"The competition would not be the same without One Direction". You're right Louis, without One Direction (a) the competition would be better and (b) I wouldn't have piercing headaches every Saturday night (or at least they wouldn't be quite as bad). "I think you're the next big boyband". Why do we have to have a "next big boyband"? Why can't we actually progress with the rest of the world who by and large don't give a toss about manufactured boybands singing derivative bollocks anymore? Simon wants us all to be impressed that Curly Spice managed to get through the incredibly difficult process of choosing a song. More like Curly Spice called his dad and got him to do his song-choosing homework for him.
"It's Mary Byrne, she's singing her heart out all the way from Dublin!" What, couldn't she be bothered to turn up this week?
There's obviously a problem with the holographic feed from Dublin as it almost looks like Mary isn't wearing black. She's singing U2's "All I Want Is You", shouty-and-devoid-of-subtlety version. It's all very Mary. If Louis Walsh says the word "Mojo" I'm going to kill someone (thankfully he doesn't).
Cher and Rebecca after the break!
Quote of the week: "You should actually take being in the bottom two as a positive thing" - Cheryl Cole. Yes it's Cher and the traditional "woe is me" VT that proceeds someone (usually Katie) being in the bottom two. "NEXT TIME WHEN I WALK INTO A SHOP LIKE THIS I WANNA BE BUYING MAH WINNER'S SINGLE". Oh dear, she's obviously been skimping on her "being meek and humble" training this week.
This week Cher is dressed and made up as sone kind of goth-Barbie doll and is singing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" and it's hard to be objective because (a) Cher is odious and (b) I think this may well be the worst song ever written. There's a car in the middle of the stage for some reason, which strangely reminds me of Storm Lee and his motorbike. Remember Storm? He was okay, although he did come across as a bit desperate. I think he would have done better if they'd pushed him as a Wagner-esque comedy option instead of having him unconvincingly bleat out Springsteen and- oh, yes, er, Cher. It's awful, there's a rap segment so out of place that it actually makes the worst song ever written even worse, and all in all it seems somewhat appropriate that a car appears to have crashed onto the stage.
"You're becoming like your mentor". Well Louis she's certainly got the "can't sing" bit down perfectly. "This was my favourite performance of yours" Dannii adds, opting to omit the "...because I hate you and this was so awful that even allowing for the bounceback vote you might actually leave this week" part of her sentence. Simon agrees (what planet are these people on?). "YOU ABSOLUTELY SMASHED IT SMASHED IT WHHOOOO". Ladies and gentlemen, The Nation's Sweetheart.
Dermot asks her if she wants to say anything to the nation. "Just pick up your phone, it's the only way you're going to see me again". Remember when Derren Brown tried to fool his viewers into thinking they were stuck in their seats? That's how I feel now, for some reason Cher asking me to pick up a phone if I want to see her again has made my entire body go numb and refuse to move even an inch. Funny, that. I think Derren's experiment would have worked infinitely better if he had just played a loop of Cher saying that for 5 minutes, in all honesty.
Rebecca next, and there follows a brief period of reflecting on the fact that (a) she was crap last week and (b) she's from LIVERPOOL. "I had to think really carefully about the song I was choosing for her". What Cheryl, does the song have words in its title with more than one syllable in them?
For ageing rockers night Rebecca is also singing a U2 song! Yay for variety! It's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (a decent mentor)". It's better than last week (although having one's toenails removed with rusty pliers would have been preferable to her offering last week), but there's still something missing. I can't imagine anyone actually enjoying seeing her in concert because she has enough difficulty sustaining my interest for the duration of one song. No such problem for the judges though, who are all chomping at the bit to get some Rebecca-worship done.
Matt and Katie next!
Matt has fortunately remembered his shirt and jacket this week, and is singing "I Love Rock and Roll (nearly as much as I love girly ballads). Louis "You're thre most consistent performer on the competition" sums him up really. You know what you're going to get from Matt, and that's competent yet uninspiring background music versions of your favourite classics (usually girly ballads) resulting in him being bizzarely popular. If Chris Martin ever leaves Coldplay Matt will probably be the first to hear about it.
"The mask is being removed". Yes, that's why Katie had her hair cut. I'm pretty sure that the only way to actually remove her mask would be to chop her head off and that's just ridiculou... hmm, it could work, maybe it's worth a go? "I don't have to try to be anybody else to make a good impression" she declares, making her decision in past weeks to be about 63 different people all of whom the public hated seem even more baffling. The most hilarious thing of all is that still nobody seems to have realized that probably at least half of the people who are bothered by her would have stopped caring by now if everyone on the programme had just shut the hell up about "THE REAL KATIE" a month ago.
Oh wow. They're going to have a job topping this for most hilarious song choice of the series. It's "Sex On Fire", which the rumour mill suggests is being performed as a tribute to an unfortunate client of her grandmother's who forgot to bring a few tubes of lubricant along with him. In fact, imagine if you dare that you were that client and that's a physical representation of what this tragic assault on the viewers' ears sounds like. Katie is the 'EastEnders' of X Factor contestants - if you pay attention to the aforementioned soap opera for a while you will notice that the characters only ever whisper loudly or shout at each other, no dialogue is ever spoken 'normally' and that's what Katie does. She loudly whispers her way through the verses then uncomfortably shouts the chorus, and she indulges in the X Factor tradition of Making The Song Her Own by, umm, shouting "YEAH!", "WOOO!" and various other things at random, like she has polite Tourettes.
"I can see you fronting your own rock band", Louis informs her. Move over Siouxsie and the Banshees, it's Katie and the Weasels! In other news it's taken Dannii "Quick off the mark" Minogue two months to notice that Katie might just be trying a little teensy-weensy itsy-bitsy bit too hard. "Only you... could come out on that stage and sing my sex is on fire". Oh my, Simon hasn't just gone there, he's bought a giant mansion and moved in there.
Lines open, and after the break we start all over again. I'm going to need 100cc of pure alcohol, stat.
Tuesday 23 November 2010
Results show 7 - Abridged version - November 21 2010
This will be a very brief summary of the results show because unfortunate circumstances have eaten into my free time over the last couple of days. You see, I've been hospitalized as a result of head injuries sustained by trying to gouge out my eardrums while listening to Olly Murs' performance on Sunday.
Although no matter how horrific that was it was nothing compared to the ritual murder of Bowie's "Heroes". Yes it's all for a good cause and blah blah blah but Christ on a bike the 'finalists' version is awful (I say finalists in quotation marks because there was no sign of Nicolo, FYD, Storm or even Lord Wagner, who had clearly decided correctly that he was above this madness). On the plus side, the charity single provided us all with a reminder that John Yodeleyee-eee and Bellamy actually did exist and we didn't just imagine them. The other highlight was the emergence of a few dozen army-types at the end, although they were unfortunately lacking guns to shoot the contestants with or grenades to throw into the audience.
Dermot and the judges natter for a while, PHONE LINES CLOSE DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING, and we're all set for the results. Katie is predictably called first, presumably so she can get off the stage and back to saving Middle-Earth as soon as possible, and so on and so forth until we're left with Paije, Wagner, and Cher. Please please please let Wagner be saf- YES! VICTORY! Even Louis looks mortified, perhaps the realization that he's going to have to pick 6 songs for ol' Waggers next week has kicked in. Although it's a foregone conclusion that Paije is gone, the fact Waggy is safe coupled with the thunderous look on Chezza's face makes it all hilariously worthwhile.
Paije is singing Sam Brown's "Stop" and Cher, the queen of versatility, the girl who brings something different to the table every time she performs is singing, umm, "Stay". From two weeks ago. Methinks her being in the bottom two was unexpected!
Paije's performance is on a par with his showing on Saturday night and Cher's performance is, well, the same as two weeks ago. Of course none of this matters because Paije could have trotted on and sung a note-perfect version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Cher could have ambled on and sung "Now I know my A-B-C" and she'd still get saved by the judges.
And so it proves, predictably. Simon sends home Paije, Cheryl and Dannii back their acts and it's Louis' turn to be pantomime villain of the week as he, despite backing Paije from week one and being lukewarm from time to time on Cher, sends him home, because of her "stunning sing-off performance". Strange, that.
So farewell Paije, sent home for the heinous crime of being the only remotely likeable person left in the show.
Next week, Cher will be singing the little-known Michael Jackson song "It doesn't bloody matter what I sing I'm going to get an almighty bounceback vote", and Katie will be singing a slightly altered version of the Lithuanian entry in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Until then, farewell, and don't forget to send money directly to Help For Heroes instead of buying that abortion of a charity single!
Although no matter how horrific that was it was nothing compared to the ritual murder of Bowie's "Heroes". Yes it's all for a good cause and blah blah blah but Christ on a bike the 'finalists' version is awful (I say finalists in quotation marks because there was no sign of Nicolo, FYD, Storm or even Lord Wagner, who had clearly decided correctly that he was above this madness). On the plus side, the charity single provided us all with a reminder that John Yodeleyee-eee and Bellamy actually did exist and we didn't just imagine them. The other highlight was the emergence of a few dozen army-types at the end, although they were unfortunately lacking guns to shoot the contestants with or grenades to throw into the audience.
Dermot and the judges natter for a while, PHONE LINES CLOSE DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING, and we're all set for the results. Katie is predictably called first, presumably so she can get off the stage and back to saving Middle-Earth as soon as possible, and so on and so forth until we're left with Paije, Wagner, and Cher. Please please please let Wagner be saf- YES! VICTORY! Even Louis looks mortified, perhaps the realization that he's going to have to pick 6 songs for ol' Waggers next week has kicked in. Although it's a foregone conclusion that Paije is gone, the fact Waggy is safe coupled with the thunderous look on Chezza's face makes it all hilariously worthwhile.
Paije is singing Sam Brown's "Stop" and Cher, the queen of versatility, the girl who brings something different to the table every time she performs is singing, umm, "Stay". From two weeks ago. Methinks her being in the bottom two was unexpected!
Paije's performance is on a par with his showing on Saturday night and Cher's performance is, well, the same as two weeks ago. Of course none of this matters because Paije could have trotted on and sung a note-perfect version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Cher could have ambled on and sung "Now I know my A-B-C" and she'd still get saved by the judges.
And so it proves, predictably. Simon sends home Paije, Cheryl and Dannii back their acts and it's Louis' turn to be pantomime villain of the week as he, despite backing Paije from week one and being lukewarm from time to time on Cher, sends him home, because of her "stunning sing-off performance". Strange, that.
So farewell Paije, sent home for the heinous crime of being the only remotely likeable person left in the show.
Next week, Cher will be singing the little-known Michael Jackson song "It doesn't bloody matter what I sing I'm going to get an almighty bounceback vote", and Katie will be singing a slightly altered version of the Lithuanian entry in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Until then, farewell, and don't forget to send money directly to Help For Heroes instead of buying that abortion of a charity single!
Monday 22 November 2010
Live Show 7 - "You can take the girl out of the council estate..." - November 20 2010 (part 2)
Cheryl gets "an overwhelming feeling of pride" when she hears Rebecca. It must be nice knowing someone who can actually sing, right Chezza? This week Rebecca is singing "quite a well-known" (read: predictable) Beatles song. Oh, also, in case you forgot, she is from LIVERPOOL. The Beatles were also from LIVERPOOL so apparently the pressure is really on Rebecca - a bad performance tonight and her car may never have hubcaps again.
Here she is, and well, say goodbye to those hubcaps dear. It's horribly off-key to the extent it's barely listenable. Oh, she's singing/ritually murdering "Yesterday" and the best thing one can say is that it's not predictable - she's never sounded this terrible before. It really makes you wonder what the hell all the coaches do to deserve the absurd pay they probably get seeing as pretty much all the acts sounded better in week one and indeed their audition (although we know that the auditions were Gamu/One Direction-esque vocally enhanced, admittedly) than they have this week.
"You so made it your own", Louis offers. He's right, I don't think anybody has ever sung "Yesterday" that off-key before. The words "Liverpool" and "nervous" are mentioned about 4572 times and ladies and gentlemen that's your judging panel!
Up next "She's from Tesco's, and her name is Dublin Byrne!". Or something like that.
Man the harpoons, it's Mary's hideous daughter again! This week Mary will be singing a Beatles song that's also been covered by Shirley Bassey. Oh my, I wonder which version she'll be performing? Here's Walsh with another gem - "There's something about this song and THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY LOOK AT ME LOOK HOW CLEVER I AM NOW LAUGH PEONS, LAUGH AT MY HILARIOUS COMMENTS! IT'S FUNNY YOU SEE BECAUSE SHE'S CALLED MARY AND THERE WAS A FAMOUS FILM CALLED THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY AND SHE'S SINGING A SONG CALLED SOMETHING"
Yes, she's singing "Something" by Shirley Bassey and it's somewhat of a callback to her first couple of performances which is a strange mixture of relieving, boring and predictable. "We need you to do this every time you perform" Danni says. How long before she cottons on to the fact that Mary, well, err, actually is doing the same thing every week? It works in some weeks and it doesn't work in others but that's purely down to the song choice being in the incredibly narrow spectrum of songs that she can actually sing competently.
Paije and DIVINE LORD WAGNER after the break! Huzzah!
Before we start, here are the latest betting odds on which black person Paije will be compared to post-performance this week!
Marvin Gaye - 19/10
James Brown - 3/1
Smokey Robinson - 7/2
Lionel Richie - 9/1
Will Smith - 10/1
Gary Coleman - 15/1
Reginald D Hunter - 40/1
George Foreman - 40/1
Diana Ross - 200/1
Sinitta - 500/1
Ashley Cole - 1000/1
This week Paije is dressed disappointingly normally and singing "Let It Be" remarkably competently. It's the best performance of the night by a mile which of course means he's a goner on Sunday. He loses it a little towards the end where he looks like he's retching, but otherwise it's pretty solid.
Unfortunately for the bookies the runaway favourite Marvin Gaye wins the 9:00 race. Dannii wishes him a happy birthday, although he'll have to wait until Sunday to actually have a proper party.
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
IT'S WAGNER!
The laughs start this week even before the VT is over thanks to some hilarious karate poses from The Wagster. We're then treated to the pants-wettingly good news that this week he will be singing not one, not two, but three Beatles songs.
First up it's "Get Back" and already I'm in hysterics thanks to the triumphant return of the "Who am I, where am I and what the hell am I doing here?" stare. The lyric "Get back to where you once belonged" will take on new significance very shortly, too. From there it's a 'smooth' transition into "Hippy Hippy Shake", where Lord Wagner's legions of adoring young nubile female fans join him on stage and wiggle around a bit in hope of garnering his approval. The best bit is him flying off to his right as he says "Shake it to the left" and then all the way over to the left for "Shake it to the right". Finally we move into "Hey Jude", or "JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW WAAAAAOOOOOO" as it will henceforth be known. Wagner remains the only reason to watch this nonsense because it's the only point in the show where the nonsense is entirely intentional.
Dannii is speechless as usual but unfortunately the same can't be said for Chezza. "I don't usually have anything to say to you constructively", she begins ominously (she could drop the "to you" from the sentence and still have it be perfectly true, incidentally), "I believe you've made some comments this week about me being from a council estate and that I'm just a very lucky girl well yes you're absolutely right I'm very proud of my roots and I'm very very lucky but if I was to give you any constructive advice it would be... to not focus on how lucky I am but how lucky you are to be on that stage tonight".
Forgive my language here and cover your children's eyes for a second, but what the fuck is this shit? "AHH'VE READ AHL THIS IN THA PAYYYPAHHS THAT BAY THE WEEEY AHH NEVAHH TRUST BUT AHH'M GONNA CALL YE OWT ON IT ON NATIONAL TAY VAY ANEHWEEEH"? What the hell is wrong with this stupid, self-absorbed, weak, limp, lifeless and straw-like bitch? Of course all this is doubtless delighting Dark Lord Cowell who is sitting off to the side with the word "CONTROVERSY" spinning around in his head and more pound signs in his eyes, but it's remarkable that Chezza, whether scripted or otherwise, thought this was a good idea, even accounting for the fact that let's face it she is a little bit (read: very) dense.
The best part is yet to come though, as Wagner starts off shakily by using the Sven-Goran Eriksson "I didn't know he was a journalist" defence, but ulitmately provides us all with a complete and utter diplomatic masterstroke by turning the matter on its head and showing Tweedy up for the petty, vindictive little cow that she is by claiming he was quoted out of context and showering her with praise. This might seem a little cringeworthy, but there's just something about Wagner's delivery, an immense smoothness that made it all okay (and the smug expression that Little Miss Perfect has on her face throughout doesn't help her case). Forget Rebecca as British Ambassador, get The Wagster over to the Middle East now and border disputes and suchlike will soon be a thing of the past.
After elation comes despair, and so it's Katie after the break.
Recycled "Bottom two" VT time! "I don't deserve half the stick I get", she wails. That still leaves a heck of a lot of stick that you do deserve then, dear. "I don't think there's a more appopriate Beatles song for her... the title says it all". Ah, she must be singing one of their less famous B-sides, "I'm a stupid vacuous fame-hungry whore who plays up to the camera even more then Jim bloody Carrey and I really should have been out of the competition after my shambles of an audition, or at least failing that after my shambles of a Judges House performance, or heck even failing that at some point when I've been in the bottom two because the public have taken to me like a cat to water".
And here she i-
OH GOD
OH SWEET JESUS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
(credit: the entire internet)
Yes, this week Matthew she's going to be Frodo Baggins singing "Help". No further description is necessary (mainly because I had a couple of paragraphs typed out but then my computer decided to die on me). I might have been decent but it was hard to focus when (a) you're dying of laughter and (b) you're a little worried that the Dark Lord Saruman might appear at any point and steal the One Ring from her.
Judges are boring as usual except Dannii who actually calls her out on the absurd "Real me" crap Katie feeds us with every week and suggests she may have a better career in acting. You mean acting like she's done EVERY SINGLE TIME A CAMERA IS REMOTELY NEAR TO HER? You're a sharp one, Minogue.
Anyway, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (which at the time I'm writing this is actually, umm, yesterday) to find out if Frodo has a happy ending and destroys the One Ring or if the evil nasty vicious Greatbritishpublicman gets his way and condemns her to oblivion. Hopefully the latter, happy endings are so passé.
Here she is, and well, say goodbye to those hubcaps dear. It's horribly off-key to the extent it's barely listenable. Oh, she's singing/ritually murdering "Yesterday" and the best thing one can say is that it's not predictable - she's never sounded this terrible before. It really makes you wonder what the hell all the coaches do to deserve the absurd pay they probably get seeing as pretty much all the acts sounded better in week one and indeed their audition (although we know that the auditions were Gamu/One Direction-esque vocally enhanced, admittedly) than they have this week.
"You so made it your own", Louis offers. He's right, I don't think anybody has ever sung "Yesterday" that off-key before. The words "Liverpool" and "nervous" are mentioned about 4572 times and ladies and gentlemen that's your judging panel!
Up next "She's from Tesco's, and her name is Dublin Byrne!". Or something like that.
Man the harpoons, it's Mary's hideous daughter again! This week Mary will be singing a Beatles song that's also been covered by Shirley Bassey. Oh my, I wonder which version she'll be performing? Here's Walsh with another gem - "There's something about this song and THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY LOOK AT ME LOOK HOW CLEVER I AM NOW LAUGH PEONS, LAUGH AT MY HILARIOUS COMMENTS! IT'S FUNNY YOU SEE BECAUSE SHE'S CALLED MARY AND THERE WAS A FAMOUS FILM CALLED THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY AND SHE'S SINGING A SONG CALLED SOMETHING"
Yes, she's singing "Something" by Shirley Bassey and it's somewhat of a callback to her first couple of performances which is a strange mixture of relieving, boring and predictable. "We need you to do this every time you perform" Danni says. How long before she cottons on to the fact that Mary, well, err, actually is doing the same thing every week? It works in some weeks and it doesn't work in others but that's purely down to the song choice being in the incredibly narrow spectrum of songs that she can actually sing competently.
Paije and DIVINE LORD WAGNER after the break! Huzzah!
Before we start, here are the latest betting odds on which black person Paije will be compared to post-performance this week!
Marvin Gaye - 19/10
James Brown - 3/1
Smokey Robinson - 7/2
Lionel Richie - 9/1
Will Smith - 10/1
Gary Coleman - 15/1
Reginald D Hunter - 40/1
George Foreman - 40/1
Diana Ross - 200/1
Sinitta - 500/1
Ashley Cole - 1000/1
This week Paije is dressed disappointingly normally and singing "Let It Be" remarkably competently. It's the best performance of the night by a mile which of course means he's a goner on Sunday. He loses it a little towards the end where he looks like he's retching, but otherwise it's pretty solid.
Unfortunately for the bookies the runaway favourite Marvin Gaye wins the 9:00 race. Dannii wishes him a happy birthday, although he'll have to wait until Sunday to actually have a proper party.
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
IT'S WAGNER!
The laughs start this week even before the VT is over thanks to some hilarious karate poses from The Wagster. We're then treated to the pants-wettingly good news that this week he will be singing not one, not two, but three Beatles songs.
First up it's "Get Back" and already I'm in hysterics thanks to the triumphant return of the "Who am I, where am I and what the hell am I doing here?" stare. The lyric "Get back to where you once belonged" will take on new significance very shortly, too. From there it's a 'smooth' transition into "Hippy Hippy Shake", where Lord Wagner's legions of adoring young nubile female fans join him on stage and wiggle around a bit in hope of garnering his approval. The best bit is him flying off to his right as he says "Shake it to the left" and then all the way over to the left for "Shake it to the right". Finally we move into "Hey Jude", or "JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW WAAAAAOOOOOO" as it will henceforth be known. Wagner remains the only reason to watch this nonsense because it's the only point in the show where the nonsense is entirely intentional.
Dannii is speechless as usual but unfortunately the same can't be said for Chezza. "I don't usually have anything to say to you constructively", she begins ominously (she could drop the "to you" from the sentence and still have it be perfectly true, incidentally), "I believe you've made some comments this week about me being from a council estate and that I'm just a very lucky girl well yes you're absolutely right I'm very proud of my roots and I'm very very lucky but if I was to give you any constructive advice it would be... to not focus on how lucky I am but how lucky you are to be on that stage tonight".
Forgive my language here and cover your children's eyes for a second, but what the fuck is this shit? "AHH'VE READ AHL THIS IN THA PAYYYPAHHS THAT BAY THE WEEEY AHH NEVAHH TRUST BUT AHH'M GONNA CALL YE OWT ON IT ON NATIONAL TAY VAY ANEHWEEEH"? What the hell is wrong with this stupid, self-absorbed, weak, limp, lifeless and straw-like bitch? Of course all this is doubtless delighting Dark Lord Cowell who is sitting off to the side with the word "CONTROVERSY" spinning around in his head and more pound signs in his eyes, but it's remarkable that Chezza, whether scripted or otherwise, thought this was a good idea, even accounting for the fact that let's face it she is a little bit (read: very) dense.
The best part is yet to come though, as Wagner starts off shakily by using the Sven-Goran Eriksson "I didn't know he was a journalist" defence, but ulitmately provides us all with a complete and utter diplomatic masterstroke by turning the matter on its head and showing Tweedy up for the petty, vindictive little cow that she is by claiming he was quoted out of context and showering her with praise. This might seem a little cringeworthy, but there's just something about Wagner's delivery, an immense smoothness that made it all okay (and the smug expression that Little Miss Perfect has on her face throughout doesn't help her case). Forget Rebecca as British Ambassador, get The Wagster over to the Middle East now and border disputes and suchlike will soon be a thing of the past.
After elation comes despair, and so it's Katie after the break.
Recycled "Bottom two" VT time! "I don't deserve half the stick I get", she wails. That still leaves a heck of a lot of stick that you do deserve then, dear. "I don't think there's a more appopriate Beatles song for her... the title says it all". Ah, she must be singing one of their less famous B-sides, "I'm a stupid vacuous fame-hungry whore who plays up to the camera even more then Jim bloody Carrey and I really should have been out of the competition after my shambles of an audition, or at least failing that after my shambles of a Judges House performance, or heck even failing that at some point when I've been in the bottom two because the public have taken to me like a cat to water".
And here she i-
OH GOD
OH SWEET JESUS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
(credit: the entire internet)
Yes, this week Matthew she's going to be Frodo Baggins singing "Help". No further description is necessary (mainly because I had a couple of paragraphs typed out but then my computer decided to die on me). I might have been decent but it was hard to focus when (a) you're dying of laughter and (b) you're a little worried that the Dark Lord Saruman might appear at any point and steal the One Ring from her.
Judges are boring as usual except Dannii who actually calls her out on the absurd "Real me" crap Katie feeds us with every week and suggests she may have a better career in acting. You mean acting like she's done EVERY SINGLE TIME A CAMERA IS REMOTELY NEAR TO HER? You're a sharp one, Minogue.
Anyway, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (which at the time I'm writing this is actually, umm, yesterday) to find out if Frodo has a happy ending and destroys the One Ring or if the evil nasty vicious Greatbritishpublicman gets his way and condemns her to oblivion. Hopefully the latter, happy endings are so passé.
Sunday 21 November 2010
Live Show 7 - "You can take the girl out of the council estate..." - November 20 2010 (part 1)
With each passing week, this author's will to live recedes further. Thanks to last week, we're denied of one of the few things that made the show worthwhile, the comedy stylings and infinite mockability of Aiden.
LAST WEEK
THE COMEPTITION WAS ELECTRIC
AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE FEW THOUSAND VOLTS SHOT UP AIDEN'S ARSE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS SMILING
Okay, sorry, I had to get one last dig in there.
"There's no messing around - there's no second chances", Chezza mumbles, somehow managing to keep a straight face considering that last week undisputably confirmed that Weasels have more lives than cats.
It's the X Factor Beatles night tonight. The Beatles were and are mere humans, not cats or weasels, which is unfortunate considering that they're probably going to be murdered at least half a dozen times tonight. The judges are introduced as "Four twisted people who love to shout" which is quite pathetic although at least Dermot didn't use a predictable "Fab Four" line, I suppose. Tonight Cheryl has come dressed in gold chain-mail armor or something - something like you'd imagine a heroine on a fantasy book cover or video game looking like when you can't help but look and think "How the hell is that armor supposed to protect her from anything?".
But first a video message from Macca, who looks more and more like a bizarre hybrid of Jigsaw and Roy Hodgson as time passes. He's "expecting great things" although if you look closely you can see the cyanide pills on the table behind him.
First up it's the boys (again) and over to Dannii, who introduces Matt. At least I assume that's what she's doing - it seems the audience are even more deafening than usual this week.
Matt is possibly the only male person in the country who is sad that Aiden left last week. He's also going to try something new tonight, although nobody points out that he's obviously going to have to try something new because there aren't any Beatles songs with hilariously girly vocals.
Here he is! He's apparently gone for a sexy look this week to try and get some of Aiden's cast-off votes. Unfortunately this 'sexy' look fails at the first hurdle and the vest he's wearing makes him look, well, more Rab C Nesbitt or Jack Duckworth than George Clooney or even just 'generic cute builder'. He's singing "Come Together" in what is possibly the most hilarious put-on voice of the live shows so far. Dannii has obviously told him to go out and show what a great big masculine man he is and he's taken it not so much a few steps to far as a few storeys too far. It's his worst performance by a mile.
Again it's hard to hear Louis over the crowd. "There was something missing from the performance tonight", he offers. Yeah, a shirt. Oh screw you Cowell, I called dibs on that gag. There's some waffling from Simon and Dannii about him being dragged to and from various places but it's all very uninteresting and predictably lacking in actual criticism for what was a horrid performance.
"You looked like you were REALLY enjoying yourself" Dermot says to him, clearly referencing the scantily-clad dancing girls. "I'd love to say I was in my element but..." Matt tails off in response. I think he might be trying to tell us he's gay.
After the break it's "The Pocket Rocket" Cher and "Five Small Buttplugs" One Direction. Lord, have mercy.
Bloody hell, even Cher's VT's are starting to look like music videos now, given the unnecessary time-lapse segment of her just being a normal girl in her room to show how normal a normal girl she is. "This week I've given Cher a song that I think the new generation need to hear". Oh no, she's going to do "Hey Jude" with a rap isn't she?
She's perched half-way up a spiral staircase that leads nowhere, which is actually quite a clever metaphor for her performance of "Imagine". If the staircase wobbled intermittently and occasionally spewed forth torrents of vomit and projected images of John Lennon's corpse spinning in the earth so quickly that by the end of the song it's actually drilled its way through to Australia then the metaphor would be even better. Yes, her performance goes nowhere which wouldn't be that much of an issue of it were in a pleasant place to begin with but it's so shaky I can't help but wonder if someone is underneath giving the staircase a few stealthy nudges at times.
From a starting position as one of the favourites she could be in trouble tomorrow. It was that bad.
"There was no rap and no choir", Walsh says, as if it were a bad thing, although his "Lazy performance" critique is more on the mark. Here's Cowell with the first "There have been a lot of stories about you..." monologue, now another bona fide addition to the X Factor drinking game. He also apparently met some little girls in rehearsals who look up to Cher as a role model. Society is doomed.
"How do you feel?" Dermot asks Cher. "Uhh I don't know", she replies awkwardly. Clearly she's trying to pick up some of Aiden's votes too.
Simon can't stop himself from bursting into laughter as he introduces One Direction as "Five talented boys". They went to watch the England match but unfortunately didn't die of shame as most of England's football fans did. I suppose week after week of being praised for their crap performances has caused them to develop some kind of immunity to shame. Rio Ferdinand in particular looked delighted to meet them (italics indicate sarcasm in this case). They also- OH NO THE IRISH ONE IS WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT STOP THE PRESS AND BRING BACK HANGING IMMEDIATELY (caps indicate sarcasm in this case).
Curly Spice is "personally a massive fan of The Beatles". What, even more of a fan than you are of your musical hero Kelly Clarkson? Cowell - "Can they shine this week? One hundred, billion percent". Note the absence of a "yes" or "no".
Anyway, they're all stood atop a platform, Bowl-Haired Spice sings a bit, Looks A Bit Like One of Diva Fever Spice shoots the camera a look of smug self-satisfaction, Awkward Asian Spice (who has assumed Aiden's mantle as 'the competition's most awkward person when a camera is focused on them' with aplomb) looks on awkwardly and ooohs and aaahs a bit, the backing track does a sterling job of the chorus and the judges universally prais- oh screw it you all know how this goes by now.
Rebecca and Mary after the break. Predictability is going to be a recurring theme for the next quarter of an hour or so, methinks.
LAST WEEK
THE COMEPTITION WAS ELECTRIC
AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE FEW THOUSAND VOLTS SHOT UP AIDEN'S ARSE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS SMILING
Okay, sorry, I had to get one last dig in there.
"There's no messing around - there's no second chances", Chezza mumbles, somehow managing to keep a straight face considering that last week undisputably confirmed that Weasels have more lives than cats.
It's the X Factor Beatles night tonight. The Beatles were and are mere humans, not cats or weasels, which is unfortunate considering that they're probably going to be murdered at least half a dozen times tonight. The judges are introduced as "Four twisted people who love to shout" which is quite pathetic although at least Dermot didn't use a predictable "Fab Four" line, I suppose. Tonight Cheryl has come dressed in gold chain-mail armor or something - something like you'd imagine a heroine on a fantasy book cover or video game looking like when you can't help but look and think "How the hell is that armor supposed to protect her from anything?".
But first a video message from Macca, who looks more and more like a bizarre hybrid of Jigsaw and Roy Hodgson as time passes. He's "expecting great things" although if you look closely you can see the cyanide pills on the table behind him.
First up it's the boys (again) and over to Dannii, who introduces Matt. At least I assume that's what she's doing - it seems the audience are even more deafening than usual this week.
Matt is possibly the only male person in the country who is sad that Aiden left last week. He's also going to try something new tonight, although nobody points out that he's obviously going to have to try something new because there aren't any Beatles songs with hilariously girly vocals.
Here he is! He's apparently gone for a sexy look this week to try and get some of Aiden's cast-off votes. Unfortunately this 'sexy' look fails at the first hurdle and the vest he's wearing makes him look, well, more Rab C Nesbitt or Jack Duckworth than George Clooney or even just 'generic cute builder'. He's singing "Come Together" in what is possibly the most hilarious put-on voice of the live shows so far. Dannii has obviously told him to go out and show what a great big masculine man he is and he's taken it not so much a few steps to far as a few storeys too far. It's his worst performance by a mile.
Again it's hard to hear Louis over the crowd. "There was something missing from the performance tonight", he offers. Yeah, a shirt. Oh screw you Cowell, I called dibs on that gag. There's some waffling from Simon and Dannii about him being dragged to and from various places but it's all very uninteresting and predictably lacking in actual criticism for what was a horrid performance.
"You looked like you were REALLY enjoying yourself" Dermot says to him, clearly referencing the scantily-clad dancing girls. "I'd love to say I was in my element but..." Matt tails off in response. I think he might be trying to tell us he's gay.
After the break it's "The Pocket Rocket" Cher and "Five Small Buttplugs" One Direction. Lord, have mercy.
Bloody hell, even Cher's VT's are starting to look like music videos now, given the unnecessary time-lapse segment of her just being a normal girl in her room to show how normal a normal girl she is. "This week I've given Cher a song that I think the new generation need to hear". Oh no, she's going to do "Hey Jude" with a rap isn't she?
She's perched half-way up a spiral staircase that leads nowhere, which is actually quite a clever metaphor for her performance of "Imagine". If the staircase wobbled intermittently and occasionally spewed forth torrents of vomit and projected images of John Lennon's corpse spinning in the earth so quickly that by the end of the song it's actually drilled its way through to Australia then the metaphor would be even better. Yes, her performance goes nowhere which wouldn't be that much of an issue of it were in a pleasant place to begin with but it's so shaky I can't help but wonder if someone is underneath giving the staircase a few stealthy nudges at times.
From a starting position as one of the favourites she could be in trouble tomorrow. It was that bad.
"There was no rap and no choir", Walsh says, as if it were a bad thing, although his "Lazy performance" critique is more on the mark. Here's Cowell with the first "There have been a lot of stories about you..." monologue, now another bona fide addition to the X Factor drinking game. He also apparently met some little girls in rehearsals who look up to Cher as a role model. Society is doomed.
"How do you feel?" Dermot asks Cher. "Uhh I don't know", she replies awkwardly. Clearly she's trying to pick up some of Aiden's votes too.
Simon can't stop himself from bursting into laughter as he introduces One Direction as "Five talented boys". They went to watch the England match but unfortunately didn't die of shame as most of England's football fans did. I suppose week after week of being praised for their crap performances has caused them to develop some kind of immunity to shame. Rio Ferdinand in particular looked delighted to meet them (italics indicate sarcasm in this case). They also- OH NO THE IRISH ONE IS WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT STOP THE PRESS AND BRING BACK HANGING IMMEDIATELY (caps indicate sarcasm in this case).
Curly Spice is "personally a massive fan of The Beatles". What, even more of a fan than you are of your musical hero Kelly Clarkson? Cowell - "Can they shine this week? One hundred, billion percent". Note the absence of a "yes" or "no".
Anyway, they're all stood atop a platform, Bowl-Haired Spice sings a bit, Looks A Bit Like One of Diva Fever Spice shoots the camera a look of smug self-satisfaction, Awkward Asian Spice (who has assumed Aiden's mantle as 'the competition's most awkward person when a camera is focused on them' with aplomb) looks on awkwardly and ooohs and aaahs a bit, the backing track does a sterling job of the chorus and the judges universally prais- oh screw it you all know how this goes by now.
Rebecca and Mary after the break. Predictability is going to be a recurring theme for the next quarter of an hour or so, methinks.
Monday 15 November 2010
Results Show 6 - "Munster in my pocket" - November 14 2010
Well, I was half-right, it went to deadlock and Katie weaseled her way out of another elimination.
Before all that though we have to suffer through the torment of the group performance and toil through performances from three groups - young upstarts and previous X Factor losers JLS, jaded old fogeys Westlife and Take That, now with added drug addiction! I can hardly contain my indifference.
Here come the judges! Tonight Dannii seems to have stolen part of Cruella de Ville's outfit and Cheryl, well I could write an entire blog post dedicated solely to what she looks like, but 'some sort of cartoon supervillain' will suffice for now.
Group performance time! I have no idea what they're singing and I don't care. Paije is as has become routine really bad at miming, Aiden seems to be taking Simon on in this year's 'most hilarious glasses' competition, Matt's hat makes a triumphant return. It's even more obvious than usual that everyone is miming, aside from One Direction who sound strangely similar to how they sound on the live shows. Strange, that. It's worth suffering through though if only for the bit where some guy from One Direction dances with Mary and of course the customary fantastic Wagner segment.
Ads. The "boyband bonanza" begins after the break. Kill me now.
It's JLS time, and hilarious caption time!
"THEY CAME WITH A DREAM" - this is all looking very McElderry-esque.
"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE" - no seriously they're recycling the exact same captions from Joe's appearance (the captions of course being the most memorable part of his performance)
"MULTI PLATINUM ALBUM" - umm okay maybe we're veering away from McElderry territory slightly here.
"THREE NUMBER ONE SINGLES" - a looooong way from McElderry territory.
"MULTIPLE BRIT & MOBO AWARD WINNERS" - oh okay fine McElderryville isn't even a speck on the horizon anymore.
One of them seems to have a really bad earwax problem but on the plus side there's a chandelier hanging precariously over them - hopefully Rodney and Del Boy were responsible for installing it. They're setting the tone for the evening with an incredibly dreary ballad - it's so horrible and dull that heck, even Westlife might actually sound vaguely interesting after this. Maybe this is all part of Cowell's masterplan - have three boybands on singing awful songs awfully, thus creating the illusion that One Direction are actually bearable.
Dermot interview: "So when is the single you're here plugging coming out?" followed by "So when is the album you're here plugging coming out" and rounded off with "So when are you going on that tour you're plugging?". Yawn.
Recap. Time for a coffee.
"TEN MULTI PLATINUM ALBUMS"
"14 NUMBER ONE SINGLES"
"BIGGEST SELLING BAND OF THE DECADE"
"WHO THE HELL KEEPS BUYING THIS SHIT???"
Yes it's Westlife, Or 'Wetlife'. Because their songs are so wet, geddit? Never mind.
I'm going to call some things right now. One, they will step forwards once they reach the chorus. Two, there will be a quiet bit followed by a stupid key change at the end (which may be when they step forwards if they don't do so during the first chorus). Anyway, Wetlife are singing a dreary ballad drearily. You already know everything there is to know about them if you've ever heard any one of their 89674896 identidull songs so I'll spare you the details.
Oh wow! This is dramatic, heart-stopping stuff! A true shock to end all shocks! Only two of them are stepping forwards! And they're doing so during what I think is the second verse! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Westlife! There's a quiet bit and I can't actually tell you if there was a key change or not because they're singing live and it's hard to tell when their voices are flailing around all over the place. There's also a slight problem because I appear to have fallen into a coma.
"Hey guys when's your new single/album/tour coming?"
OH NO LINES WILL BE CLOSING VERY SOON. Remember you have to vote or else 900 people will be complaining to OFCOM about you!
Over to the judges. Simon GENUINELY thinks One Direction were GENUINELY the best act GENUINELY, Chezza THOROUGHLY enjoyed herself THOROUGHLY last night THOROUGHLY, and Louis unfortunately hasn't been removed from the building yet.
Take That! Cue hilarious clips of stupid girls bawling after the new that they'd broken up, err, broke. Reminder: these girls are in their mid to late 20s now and probably feel very, very ashamed so we shouldn't be too hard on them and also- AHAHAAHA LOOK AT THAT STUPID CHAV CRYING IN HER STUPID TRACKSUIT CRY MORE YOU DUMB COW MUAHAHA YOUR TEARS ARE LIKE AMBROSIA TO ME- err what was I saying?
Oh my, Robbie seems to have spent some time at Aiden's Super Intense Stage School of Intensity. He looks like he's having some kind of seizure. Oh well, at least it's not a dreary ballad. Much like Rebecca last night it's not really that good but compared to the turds before it it sounds like a choir of angels.
"Hey guys so when's your new single/album/tour coming?"
Results after the break!
Here we go! COME ON THE WAGNER! There's something slightly religious about millions of people coming together every Sunday and praying for His continued success.
Tina from Corrie is safe. Matt is safe. Rebecca is safe. Yawn. One Direction are safe. Sigh. ALL HAIL LORD WAGNER, FOR HE IS SAFE! HALLELUJAH! Four to go, Mary is predictably safe, and finally PAIJE WINS AGAIN. Take that attempted screwjob!
We're left with Aiden and Katie and frankly I'll be delighted whoever goes because they're both awful for entirely different reasons.
"How are you feeling right now Aiden?"
"Buhhhhhhhhh"
Oh God, I've changed my mind, get rid of him now. The Weasel is a minor inconvenience compared with the cringe-inducing awkwardness of watching Aiden trying to sing, move, talk or indeed do anything while a camera is on him.
In the completely pointless sing-off, Aiden will be singing "Don't Dream It's Over" (sorry but I already am) and Katie will be singing "SAVE ME (from myself)". It's only the thought of one of these numpties finally getting thrown back out onto the street that's going to make the next few minutes bearable.
Ads.
On reflection, it appears that I had underestimated Dark Lord Cowell last night. I said Paije was the primary screwjob recipient and to some extent I stand by that, but it seems that Dark Lord Cowell has cottoned on to the fact that the Noble British Public know about the first performing slot being death, and assuming the first performer is likeable enough, will to some extent rally behind him or her.
Thus, the X Factor has become so ridiculously contrived everything becomes a game of bluff and double bluff. My best guess is that just in case the primary screwjob doesn't work the powers that be need a backup option - they had it the week Yawn Adeleyeyeye came on with his funny hair (not coincidentally immediately after Paije Screwjob Attempt #1) and they had it this week, with Aiden going second and Cowell telling him he's certain to be safe this week (SO DON'T BOTHER VOTING FOR HIM GIRLS OKAY HE'S GONNA BE FINE YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ONE DIRECTION OR HARRY POTTER INSTEAD). In a few years things are going to get so ridiculous because we'll get to some bizarre meta-stage where Cowell will know that the public will know that Cowell knows that the public know the tertiary screwjob is putting someone on towards the end and having them sing a horrible song because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the secondary screwjob is putting someone on second and saying they'll be fine because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the primary screwjob is putting someone on first dressed as some sort of fancy pastry item, so they'll have to introduce a quaternary screwjob, and God knows what that will involve.
Typing words helps me get through the pain of watching Aiden and Katie again. Aiden is infinitely worse in the sing-off on account of sounding, well, like Aiden. While Katie can sort of hold a tune, albeit unspectacularly, Aiden cannot sing.
Over to Cowell, and you can see the gears turning away in his head. If he sends Katie home he loses 99% of the X Factor's headline-generating capacity but if he sends Aiden home he'll probably be waking up in the middle of the night to Hermann himself brandishing a dagger and breathing deeply in his face (and if not Hermann then an angry legion of rabid fangirls). In the end his heart wins over his head and he risks painful death by sending Aiden home. Chezza of course saves her act, and Dannii hers. Over to Louis, who sends Katie home after some deliberation. Cowell is probably wishing he had had him removed from the building, well at least he would have been wishing that if he didn't of course already know the public vote results.
Yes, it's DEADLOCK! DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING!
Of course Katie is safe, of course Aiden goes home, and of course yet another X Factor rebellion will rise in the week only to be quashed by, hmm, around 8pm next Saturday. Until then, farewell Hermann Munster, we hardly knew ye. He leaves us with a hilarious parting shot about a voting leak on Twitter or something which causes Dermot to break into hilarious damage control mode, and I'm actually not kidding when I say that that's probably the most positive contribution he's made to the competition in my eyes since week 1 and 'Mad World'.
Well, mini-Grandad-dances aside, of course. I will miss them.
Until next week, assuming Cowell lives that long!
Before all that though we have to suffer through the torment of the group performance and toil through performances from three groups - young upstarts and previous X Factor losers JLS, jaded old fogeys Westlife and Take That, now with added drug addiction! I can hardly contain my indifference.
Here come the judges! Tonight Dannii seems to have stolen part of Cruella de Ville's outfit and Cheryl, well I could write an entire blog post dedicated solely to what she looks like, but 'some sort of cartoon supervillain' will suffice for now.
Group performance time! I have no idea what they're singing and I don't care. Paije is as has become routine really bad at miming, Aiden seems to be taking Simon on in this year's 'most hilarious glasses' competition, Matt's hat makes a triumphant return. It's even more obvious than usual that everyone is miming, aside from One Direction who sound strangely similar to how they sound on the live shows. Strange, that. It's worth suffering through though if only for the bit where some guy from One Direction dances with Mary and of course the customary fantastic Wagner segment.
Ads. The "boyband bonanza" begins after the break. Kill me now.
It's JLS time, and hilarious caption time!
"THEY CAME WITH A DREAM" - this is all looking very McElderry-esque.
"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE" - no seriously they're recycling the exact same captions from Joe's appearance (the captions of course being the most memorable part of his performance)
"MULTI PLATINUM ALBUM" - umm okay maybe we're veering away from McElderry territory slightly here.
"THREE NUMBER ONE SINGLES" - a looooong way from McElderry territory.
"MULTIPLE BRIT & MOBO AWARD WINNERS" - oh okay fine McElderryville isn't even a speck on the horizon anymore.
One of them seems to have a really bad earwax problem but on the plus side there's a chandelier hanging precariously over them - hopefully Rodney and Del Boy were responsible for installing it. They're setting the tone for the evening with an incredibly dreary ballad - it's so horrible and dull that heck, even Westlife might actually sound vaguely interesting after this. Maybe this is all part of Cowell's masterplan - have three boybands on singing awful songs awfully, thus creating the illusion that One Direction are actually bearable.
Dermot interview: "So when is the single you're here plugging coming out?" followed by "So when is the album you're here plugging coming out" and rounded off with "So when are you going on that tour you're plugging?". Yawn.
Recap. Time for a coffee.
"TEN MULTI PLATINUM ALBUMS"
"14 NUMBER ONE SINGLES"
"BIGGEST SELLING BAND OF THE DECADE"
"WHO THE HELL KEEPS BUYING THIS SHIT???"
Yes it's Westlife, Or 'Wetlife'. Because their songs are so wet, geddit? Never mind.
I'm going to call some things right now. One, they will step forwards once they reach the chorus. Two, there will be a quiet bit followed by a stupid key change at the end (which may be when they step forwards if they don't do so during the first chorus). Anyway, Wetlife are singing a dreary ballad drearily. You already know everything there is to know about them if you've ever heard any one of their 89674896 identidull songs so I'll spare you the details.
Oh wow! This is dramatic, heart-stopping stuff! A true shock to end all shocks! Only two of them are stepping forwards! And they're doing so during what I think is the second verse! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Westlife! There's a quiet bit and I can't actually tell you if there was a key change or not because they're singing live and it's hard to tell when their voices are flailing around all over the place. There's also a slight problem because I appear to have fallen into a coma.
"Hey guys when's your new single/album/
OH NO LINES WILL BE CLOSING VERY SOON. Remember you have to vote or else 900 people will be complaining to OFCOM about you!
Over to the judges. Simon GENUINELY thinks One Direction were GENUINELY the best act GENUINELY, Chezza THOROUGHLY enjoyed herself THOROUGHLY last night THOROUGHLY, and Louis unfortunately hasn't been removed from the building yet.
Take That! Cue hilarious clips of stupid girls bawling after the new that they'd broken up, err, broke. Reminder: these girls are in their mid to late 20s now and probably feel very, very ashamed so we shouldn't be too hard on them and also- AHAHAAHA LOOK AT THAT STUPID CHAV CRYING IN HER STUPID TRACKSUIT CRY MORE YOU DUMB COW MUAHAHA YOUR TEARS ARE LIKE AMBROSIA TO ME- err what was I saying?
Oh my, Robbie seems to have spent some time at Aiden's Super Intense Stage School of Intensity. He looks like he's having some kind of seizure. Oh well, at least it's not a dreary ballad. Much like Rebecca last night it's not really that good but compared to the turds before it it sounds like a choir of angels.
"Hey guys so when's your new single/
Results after the break!
Here we go! COME ON THE WAGNER! There's something slightly religious about millions of people coming together every Sunday and praying for His continued success.
Tina from Corrie is safe. Matt is safe. Rebecca is safe. Yawn. One Direction are safe. Sigh. ALL HAIL LORD WAGNER, FOR HE IS SAFE! HALLELUJAH! Four to go, Mary is predictably safe, and finally PAIJE WINS AGAIN. Take that attempted screwjob!
We're left with Aiden and Katie and frankly I'll be delighted whoever goes because they're both awful for entirely different reasons.
"How are you feeling right now Aiden?"
"Buhhhhhhhhh"
Oh God, I've changed my mind, get rid of him now. The Weasel is a minor inconvenience compared with the cringe-inducing awkwardness of watching Aiden trying to sing, move, talk or indeed do anything while a camera is on him.
In the completely pointless sing-off, Aiden will be singing "Don't Dream It's Over" (sorry but I already am) and Katie will be singing "SAVE ME (from myself)". It's only the thought of one of these numpties finally getting thrown back out onto the street that's going to make the next few minutes bearable.
Ads.
On reflection, it appears that I had underestimated Dark Lord Cowell last night. I said Paije was the primary screwjob recipient and to some extent I stand by that, but it seems that Dark Lord Cowell has cottoned on to the fact that the Noble British Public know about the first performing slot being death, and assuming the first performer is likeable enough, will to some extent rally behind him or her.
Thus, the X Factor has become so ridiculously contrived everything becomes a game of bluff and double bluff. My best guess is that just in case the primary screwjob doesn't work the powers that be need a backup option - they had it the week Yawn Adeleyeyeye came on with his funny hair (not coincidentally immediately after Paije Screwjob Attempt #1) and they had it this week, with Aiden going second and Cowell telling him he's certain to be safe this week (SO DON'T BOTHER VOTING FOR HIM GIRLS OKAY HE'S GONNA BE FINE YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ONE DIRECTION OR HARRY POTTER INSTEAD). In a few years things are going to get so ridiculous because we'll get to some bizarre meta-stage where Cowell will know that the public will know that Cowell knows that the public know the tertiary screwjob is putting someone on towards the end and having them sing a horrible song because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the secondary screwjob is putting someone on second and saying they'll be fine because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the primary screwjob is putting someone on first dressed as some sort of fancy pastry item, so they'll have to introduce a quaternary screwjob, and God knows what that will involve.
Typing words helps me get through the pain of watching Aiden and Katie again. Aiden is infinitely worse in the sing-off on account of sounding, well, like Aiden. While Katie can sort of hold a tune, albeit unspectacularly, Aiden cannot sing.
Over to Cowell, and you can see the gears turning away in his head. If he sends Katie home he loses 99% of the X Factor's headline-generating capacity but if he sends Aiden home he'll probably be waking up in the middle of the night to Hermann himself brandishing a dagger and breathing deeply in his face (and if not Hermann then an angry legion of rabid fangirls). In the end his heart wins over his head and he risks painful death by sending Aiden home. Chezza of course saves her act, and Dannii hers. Over to Louis, who sends Katie home after some deliberation. Cowell is probably wishing he had had him removed from the building, well at least he would have been wishing that if he didn't of course already know the public vote results.
Yes, it's DEADLOCK! DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING!
Of course Katie is safe, of course Aiden goes home, and of course yet another X Factor rebellion will rise in the week only to be quashed by, hmm, around 8pm next Saturday. Until then, farewell Hermann Munster, we hardly knew ye. He leaves us with a hilarious parting shot about a voting leak on Twitter or something which causes Dermot to break into hilarious damage control mode, and I'm actually not kidding when I say that that's probably the most positive contribution he's made to the competition in my eyes since week 1 and 'Mad World'.
Well, mini-Grandad-dances aside, of course. I will miss them.
Until next week, assuming Cowell lives that long!
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