Live Show 4 - October 30 2010 (part 2)

Here's Matt 'The Hat' Cardle and he's apparently attempting some sort of superhuman feat from the way everyone is talking in his VT. Oh no, it's "Bleeding Love", a song that I hoped had been consigned to the 'Thou Shalt Not Perform Ever on X Factor' dustbin after Lloyd's complete trainwreck of a rendition of it last year. I also think it's a completely awful song, so it's hard to be objective here but Matt doesn't sound his usual self and it's obvious to anyone with functioning eyes that he hates the song choice. That's 2 for 2 on horrible song choices now as far as Dannii is concerned, perhaps the Jedward hair is starting to burrow into her brain?

The judges are unusually and surprisingly harsh in their comments though, given that they've consistently heaped praise on far worse before. A cynic might say it's all part of an attempt to cut into the popularity of Matt, who is at the time of writing the favourite, in favour of a certain other 'chosen one', but I'm not a cynic and I wouldn't dare suggest such a thing (for about 30 minutes at least).

Dannii is "Dumbfounded" that the others didn't consider this a good week for him. Dannii is easily dumbfounded. "It was a fight..." mumbles Matt, as he tries to be nice.

Over to Louis, and we all know what this means! "For music lovers everywhere, it's Wagner" he says, somehow managing to do so without a trace of irony. Wagner apparently "...became British because he was abducted by Britain". One wonders how easy it would be to scramble together the ransom money by visiting people who take this show far too seriously. Of course I have made no secret of the fact that Vaargner is my superhero, and the 5 minutes of the show in which he features is much like finding a diamond after swimming in a pool full of cow vomit for a couple of hours. Plenty of people would disagree, but they're wrong. They just don't get Wagner. To fully appreciate the genius that is Wagner you have to think outside the box, think past the music because Wagner transcends the medium of music.

Take this performance, for example. To the untrained ear, it might sound like he's horribly out of tune and his timing is terrible. But to the trained ear and mind, it soon becomes obvious that actually Wagner is perfectly in tune and perfectly in time, as he always is, it's just that everything else that has ever existed is horribly out of tune and out of time. Perfection is Wagner, imperfection is anything and everything that makes Wagner seem anything less than perfect.

This sort of philosophising may seem unimportant and indeed ridiculous when discussing a slimy old Brazilian dude singing "Bat Out Of Hell" while dancers convulse maniacally around him, but understanding this is truly important, and your mind will be all the better for having read and comprehended it. Also tonight his dancers are dressed as skeletons and Halloween cat things and there is an absence of any boob-related dance moves and/or gimmickry. Oh, and he seems to be perving over the girls marginally less than usual. Just so you know.

Meanwhile back on planet Earth, over to the 'judges'. I say that in quotes because they're clearly not worthy of judging Supreme Lord Wagner, but alas judge they shall, with their imperfect eyes and imperfect ears. "From Matt... to Wagner... it's different" mutters Dannii, again finding it difficult to form sentences. "What the hell was that?" offers Simon. Louis says what everyone is thinking, "We want to see you next week!".

Show's over, nothing to see here now.

Oh alright then, it's Paije. It is impossible to not like Paije. He is the anti-Katie. "Simon Cowell giving me fashion advice...?" he says at the start of his VT. Now imagine Katie saying it. Now imagine how much you'd want to punch her after she'd said it. Paije lets words like that flow out without seeming like a giant ego because he's not a giant ego, he is just a dude. It's almost enough to make you forget that actually he did look really stupid last week. Of course, 'just a dude'-types tend to get thrown by the wayside and labelled as 'boring' by stupid people who judge talent by column inches in the Daily Star and OK magazine, so they can often underachieve on XF, but if Paije can survive last week's abomination then there's hope for him yet.

Enter Friedman. "Simon's said to Paije to act more like a pop star but now if he does act more like a pop star it will seem contrived". Congratulations for spouting this stupid crap during the VT of the contestant who it's literally least relevant to. I don't think Paije could seem contrived if he tried, whereas certain others can appear contrived without trying.

Tonight he's singing "Back to Black" (BLACK IS A DARK COLOUR AND DARK COLOURS ARE EVIL AND HALLOWEEN IS EVIL STOP QUESTIONING THE RELEVANCE TO THE THEME OKAY!?) and is dressed somewhat more sensibly than usual, an understated dinner jacket/bow tie/untied tie look. Dannii is now 3 for 3 on horrific song choices. It's nowhere near as huge a disaster as either of her other choices, but it doesn't suit his voice (which is admittedly growing on me in isolation) at all.

"I like that you're turning (into)... a big diva. It gives you some personality" Simon rambles. Remember what I said a few paragraphs up about stupid people? Yeah.

Over to Chezza - "Next up, having some FUN because she is FUN and definitely not Lady Gaga / Madonna / Old Katie / New but not quite fun yet Katie / a fame-hungry cow from the inner circles of Hell, it's Katie!"

Here's the problem with Katie. I've finally worked it out. Scratch away all the bad press, all the audition and judges house drama and it's still impossible to like her because even at this stage everything she does is so bloody 'actressy'. I'm actually convinced that she has some kind of mental disorder that causes her to believe that she is permanently in a movie and being asked to ham it up. Every movement, every facial expression, every little bit of speech is horribly exaggerated in that way that only really bad actors do while they're 'acting'.

This week we're getting 'Fun AND quirky Katie', a merger between two failed past business ventures. It's not going to work.

She's singing "Bewitched" this week and OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER EYES!? From a distance it looks like her eyes don't exist - it's only when the camera moves in that we see the truth. Lashings (pun completely intended) of glittery silver eye make up stuff, possibly to disguise the two black eyes Matt possibly might have possibly given her in the week (possibly). It's even worse than Nicolo's bizarre sunglasses in week 1 - at least with him you could be reasonably sure that his eyes actually existed beneath the sunglasses.

It sounds... boring. For all the fuss over her in the papers, once she starts singing it's surprisingly dull. She's not particularly good, not particularly bad, she's just sort of there, existing and making noise. For someone who puts on such a contrived show while she's not singing, you can't help but expect a little more. Dannii calls out the hideous make up and gets a ridiculous "OOOOOHHHH well happy Halloween!" in return from Katie. STOP ACTING. TURN YOUR 'ACT' BUTTON OFF FOR JUST ONE SECOND YOU DESPERATE COW FOR F- wait DID SIMON REALLY COMPARE HER TO GWEN STEFANI?

I need some aspirin. "You throw yourself into things head first" offers Cheryl. Too easy, let's move on.

One Direction and Cher after the break. I need more aspirin. Any idea what the lethal dose is?

One Direction (where's the backing coming from? Head that way!) time! Joy! Oh wow they're trying to spin Louis calling Simon out for his focusing on them as a sob story? Really? "Louis saying that... takes something away from all our hard work", one of the drones bleats. You stand on stage and sing to a blaring backing track while grinning inanely at each other every weekend after rehearsing for a few hours in the preceding few days. It's not exactly tough manual labour, guys. "This song is about showing them as singers" according to Simon. If I had a bomb shelter I'd be running towards it right now.

Their performance is the same as always, whispering to a screaming backing track except this time the twist is that they look like they haven't slept all week. Boring. Instead, let's talk about voiceover guy. He says "ONE DIRECTION" like an angry robot which is amusing, but his best work in my opinion is "MARY BYRNE!?" It's like an expression of bewilderment as opposed to somebody's name when he announces it, fantastic.

Oh, for reference they sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (ECLIPSES INVOLVE THE MOON, AS DO WEREWOLVES. WEREWOLVES ARE A SCARY MONSTER. HALLOWEEN IS SCARY AND PEOPLE DRESS UP AS SCARY MONSTERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP QUESTIONING THE SONG CHOICES!). Here's what the judges had to say:

Louis - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Dannii - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Cheryl - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Simon - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"

Over to Chezza - "Last but by no means least, it's the FANTASTIC Cher Lloyd. YOU WILL THINK SHE IS FANTASTIC OR I WILL PEE ON YOUR FACE"

In contrast to last week Cher is under strict 'be meek and humble' instruction this week, it seems. Ah, now I see why, it's 'Cher reinvention' week! Hurrah! This week she's going to just stand there and sing, like a miniature Mary or something.

She's even dressed in black, like a miniature Mary. Oh wow, this actually sounds decent. It's "Stay" by Shakespeare's Sister and the judges will doubtless put it on a pedestal and elevate it into the stratosphere, so desperate are the powers that be for her to do well and it's nowhere near as good as the praise it will get, but it's definitely surprising, and a really good song choice from Chezza, credit where credit's due.

Cue Cowell - "I think that was the performance of the entire season". Maybe with the clocks going back and the weather getting colder he's getting confused, but winter doesn't start until December and it certainly hasn't started at some point between Rebecca's and Cher's performances tonight. Oh God she's crying, somebody pass the sick bag. "You put every single emotion into it", Cheryl rambles in that emotionless drawl of hers. Every single one Chezza dear? Personally I thought it was missing a little optimism, a small helping of astonishment and maybe a garnish of contentment to finish. "The nation gets to hear you sing" she continues. Yes, that's SORT OF THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BLOODY PROGRAMME.

I need an aspirin. I've already seen the results as I type this (apologies for being a little behind), so luckily you get to dodge seeing my horrible predictions before the terrifying triumvirate that is Bon Jovi, Jamiroquai and Rihanna on the results show.

Live Show 4 - October 30 2010 (part 1)

As Louis "Style Guru" Walsh voiced his dislike of people on the internet mocking and hating on the show on Xtra Factor last weekend, I have decided to turn over a new leaf and heed my mother's advice and not say anything at all if I can't say anything nice.

So here's my review of tonight's show - Dannii's dress was pretty.

See you next week!



...wait what?

It's a Halloween-themed week?

Which means songs with ridiculuosly tenuous links to Halloween, ripe for the mocking?

And costumes and make-up even more hideous and bizarre than usual, clearly intended to attract mockery and scorn like brains attract zombies?

Screw this, let's roll. Walsh, bite me.

LAST WEEKEND ON THE X FACTOR

THE COMPETITION REACHED NEW HEIGHTS

AND I FOR ONE FELT LIKE JUMPING

Yes, tonight is Halloween night, and here comes Zombie O'Leary! Tonight the contestants will be singing "Songs inspired by the dark side" apparently, which doesn't bode well given my fears last week that Katie's performance might summon a portal to Hell. I can't wait for Wagner to break into a Children Of Bodom classic.

Here come the judges! We have Dannii, with Jedward-tribute hair, Louis with comical spotted bow-tie, Cheryl dressed in her usual elegant and understated manner, and Sir Simon of Cowell, complete with hilarious teeth (and a couple of fangs too).

All the performances are available to download on iTunes if you feel like really terrifying people at a Halloween party this weekend!

First up, it's "The Diva from Dublin - that's DUBLIN. YOU KNOW, IN IRELAND" Mary Byrne! The VT starts with the "Be more current" criticism from last week, so obviously she's going to be singing something a little more up to date. Personally I'm holding out for "Smack My Bitch Up". Oh, according to Simon she's singing Barry Manilow - I don't think he did a version of that, although he has covered just about every other song on the planet so maybe there's hope. "Everyone wants to see a different side of Mary", bleats perennial tosser Brian Friedman. I'd imagine much like the dark side of the moon, the 'other side' of Mary is a cold, inhospitable place with scarily deep valleys and craters that mankind may have once thought about exploring but has recently changed its mind.

Here she is, and if this is anything to go by then the 'Halloween' theme essentially means 'more mascara, eyeliner and some devil horns'. Oh, she's singing "Could It Be Magic?". Get it? Magic? Witches? Halloween? Or perhaps the Halloween tie-in is the hideous visage of Barry Manilow, who knows? Anyways, Mary is wearing black and singing boringly. The camera gets in some side-angle shots - dangerously close to exposing us to Mary's 'other side', and she tries to move occasionally but her movements just look like she's miming reaching into the food cupboard and searching for some crisps. Oh, there are some dancers in cages too, and I'm momentarily distracted thinking of the fun Harry Hill could have with this and Wagbo next weekend. To be fair to Mary the innate boringness and cruiselinerishness of the song makes it a hard one to sing well or even interestingly, but this really is the epitome of one step forwards, two steps back.

The judges predictably loved it. Cheryl seemed particularly happy about the devil horns, perhaps because they nicely complement the halo that Cowell holds permanently above her head. "Liked you last week... loved you this week" mumbles Simon the living cliché machine. You used that one last week Simon, at least Mary gives it a few weeks before recycling songs. "You are a horny little devil", he announces. The nation cringes. "You are the people's champion" proclaims the giant internet-hating tossba... err Louis. No Louis, former WWF wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the people's champion, you're a decade too late with that one.

Speaking of wrestlers, up next it's "Stone Cold" Aiden Grimshaw. He's at somewhat of an advantage tonight seeing as every day is Halloween in Aidenville. Cowell is quite amusingly openly mocking his dourness in the VT, and when he starts mocking you for being too cold, well, it's time to press the panic button.

Here he is, and wait, is that a mannequin on stage? Oh no, wait, it's singing, it can't be. But wait! There are mannequins, scattered around the singing mannequin! No wait they're actually dancers made up to look like mannequins because they're moving! But wait, maybe they are mannequins and are just remotely controlled somehow! No, wait, the way they're moving makes that impossible, they're definitely people! But they'd suffocate in those masks if they were masks, they're mannequins!

In case you're wondering why I'm blabbering on about the mannequin dancers, it's primarily a defense mechanism to stop me from concentrating on the brutal murder that is taking place. No, Aiden isn't hungry for human flesh again, he's taking a chainsaw to the withering corpse of Michael Jackson and flailing around with it like a majorette or conductor with their respective batons. Aiden gets one point for being brave enough to sing an almost unrecognisable version of a classic ("Thriller"). Unfortunately he gets minus 1000 points because it's possibly the worst thing I've ever heard. You can be as 'intense' as you like, but if you don't connect with a song on any level at all, that 'intensity' just comes over as self-indulgent nonsense. Awful-sounding self-indulgent nonsense, at that.

So with that in mind, let's play a game where we replace a word in the judges comments with another word. See if you can guess what it is!

Louis: "It was a very, very awful performance... you're a very awful performer as well Aiden"
Cheryl: "I don't think every song you do requires that amount of awfulness"

Simon calls him out on the indulgent nature of the performance, which is nice of him although it makes me feel a little less special for thinking the same. "Halloween is here - you stuck to the theme" warbles Dannii. Err, yes, he's Aiden. He's industrial-strength superglued to the bloody theme. Oh, grandad-dance revival as he speaks to Dermot! I do hope this becomes a weekly segment if he survives, it's the only redeeming feature he has at the moment, although the 'I've just been electrocuted' smile is quite endearing too.

Bellamy and Rebecca after t'break!

Bellamy were SO HAPPY after being declared safe last week. And Simon AIR PUNCHED! "This week is a well known girl band song that will show their personality" declares Simon. Their personality being 'derivative girl band', I can only assume. The vocal coach guy says the song is "About them all blending together". I don't know who any of them are as it is aside from Nondescript Spice #1-4 - if they blend together any more then Cheryl will suddenly have 5 acts in the competition and the universe may implode.

There are half-naked men and flames on the stage and it takes me a minute to recall that Diva Fever were actually eliminated a couple of weeks ago. Oh, here come the girls, emerging from coffins and singing "Venus" like they've just been disturbed half way through a 1000-year slumber. The most remarkable thing about the performance is Nondescript Spice #3's astounding mountain of red hair. Really it's a lesson in why groups manufactured on-the-spot invariably don't work, the parts may be sort of decent but the sum of them is awful. The girls have woken from their 500-year slumber and arrived in a time where harmonising doesn't exist.

Louis loved the styling, staging and song choice. Note the lack of him loving a certain other, quite important 's' word, probably because if he mentioned singing he'd have to then mention a fifth, somewhat less broadcastable 's' word. Dannii tears into them for their vocal weakness, well as much anyone has torn into anyone else this series. Poor Cheryl can't bring herself to directly criticize their singing for some bizarre, unexplainable reason, favouring vague confidence-related platitudes. "Plate of milk for the girls" Simon sneers. Plate of cowpats for Simon, given the manure he's guaranteed to start spreading once his mouth opens again. Phone hands from Nondescript Spice #4.

Over to the girls and Chezza! First up, unsurprisingly, it's Rebecca. "We know Rebecca's got the voice but now we need to see how much she really wants to win this competition", declares Louis. Umm, she's probably going to illustrate her desire to win this competition which on some sort of level is still mildly about singing by, umm, singing? Or am I being absurd again?

Rebecca apparently just wants to "Keep getting better", which is a shame because this isn't nearly as good as last week. She's singing the awfully dull "Wicked Game" (wicked --> witch --> Halloween, get it? Eh? Eh?), and trying her best to rouse some interest from the deepest inner recesses of the song, but it's not to be. It's a little more nasally and piercing than usual, but not bad. The judges loved it and blah blah blah boring boring boring wait did Cheryl really just say "You're the perfect ambassador for Britain" to her? Forget trained diplomats and politicians, we should absolutely send random scouse girl from some TV talent show to the next round of Middle-East peace negotiations (although I suppose it's no less absurd than Tony Blair being made Middle-East peace envoy).

Ads.

Up next, it's over to Cheryl again and the other girl she doesn't really give much of a toss about, Tracey! Blah blah bottom two, blah blah "massive panic attack" (hint: if you'd actually had a 'massive panic attack' you wouldn't have been able to move, much less sing dear, don't insult the intelligence of the average X Factor viewe... wait, never mind. She's singing "Relight My Fire" (Fire! They burned witches at the stake! Witches = Halloween! Get it?) and it's nice that she's found a place between "whisper" and "earth-shattering squeal". I don't remember the bit in Little Red Riding Hood where she breaks into "Relight My Fire", is that in one of the modernized versions? Regardless, that's what she's dressed as and it's about as convincing as having Aiden dress up as a teddy bear.

Dannii is surprisingly critical (I should note that given her hair I'm expecting her to break into an awful rendition of 'Ice Ice Baby' or the Ghostbusters theme at any point), and Simon agrees, saying that she is unoriginal and devoid of direction. The fact that she's one of the few acts that can actually sort of sing is, of course, unimportant.

Oh, here's voiceover guy

STILL TO COME ON THE X FACTOR

SOME RANDOM UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE

AAAAND CHEEERRR LLLOOOYYYDDD

It's become that transparent, folks.

Results Show 3 - October 24 2010

TONIGHT!

ONE ACT WILL LEAVE THE COMPETITION!

NOT TWO ACTS LIKE WE ORIGINALLY SAID!

BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE CHANGED THE RULES AT THE LAST MINUTE FOR SOME REASON!

HOW MYSTERIOUS!

Yes, it's results show time! With Bubble and Squeak... err I mean Bublé and Cole!

Here come the judges, and Cheryl appears to be wearing tin foil - hopefully a precursor to someone stuffing her with sage and onion and throwing her into an oven for 90 minutes at gas mark 6.

Oh wonderful, it's group performance time! They're singing "Forget You" (that's right, "Forget You" - definitely not "4-letter word beginning with F You"), and it's as horrifying as always. Highlights include Cher and Paije not being able to mime quickly enough to keep up with their parts, Asian-Spice-Who-Refused-To-Dance from One Direction looking terminally bored and John's hairdo being modified to look more like mushroom cloud than yesterday's plain mushroom.

And here comes the recap. If those dancers in John's performance were so horrible, why take up 90% of his recap video with them? Wait, don't answer that, it should be obvious. In other news TreyC falls into the trap of not being modest and instead saying she did well and is really pleased with herself. I don't normally bother watching these recaps but I'm glad I did when we get to Belle Amie and Louis backstage ranting at the camera about Simon concentrating on the boyband and not caring about the girls just as what looked like Curly Spice from One Direction walks nonchalantly past. Probably an entirely scripted moment, but it was still amusing. The other prime comedy moment was Katie backstage saying "That's who I am.... fun!" as unconvincingly as humanly possible.

"One of the best X Factor's ever", mutters Louis. Face, meet palm.

Here's Bubble! I can't really mock the intro captions for either performer this week, but luckily Bubble is miming hilariously and not even trying to hide it, often holding the mic at arms length as if he's handling a poisonous snake. It reminds me of the time when Muse switched their singer/guitarist and drummer around on TOTP in protest at being forced to mime (at least I think It was Muse and I think it was TOTP, I could be wrong on both counts but someone has definitely done it). Anyway it's all very middle of the road and, well, all very Michael Bublé.

He's apparently broken off his holiday to be here, and judging by his swift responses to Dermot's (admittedly inane) questions he's quite eager to get back to said holiday.

Ads, and lines are closed! Cheryl has disappeared somewhere so we don't get her invaluable input as Dermot asks the judges to pimp some acts.

Here comes Cheryl and, oh my! She appears to have forgotten half of her outfit! Luckily it appears that she is going to attempt to summon a pair of trousers through the power of dance, and she's got a dozen or so guys to help her (seriously, the performance is infinitely more enjoyable if you mute it and imagine it as some Native Indian Trouser Dance). She's certainly not going to try summoning anything through the art of singing - as part of the song appears to be a dance version of the "A-wimoweh" part of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and the rest of it is just nondescript dullness, mimed throughout of course (although given the trouser-summoning dance routine it's hard to criticize her for miming I suppose). Oh, there's the first sighting of blatant autotune in the chorus! She wanders around behind the judges for a while and bizarrely it appears to be Louis who's perving over her the most. I hope this trouser-summoning is done soon, otherwise Louis might end up turning. There's also a fantastic bit towards the end where I can only assume she actually is singing live (presumably in an attempt to mask that the rest was miming although in fact it just emphasizes this more) because it sounds awful.

In all honesty though I'd rather listen to this than Bubble.

Also, I own two Girls Aloud albums.

What? It's still guilty pleasure weekend, right?

Oh here's Dermot copping a feel, too.

Wait, is her album really called "Messy Little Raindrops"?

After the break! The results! Au revoir ma cherie Belle Amie!

Here come the acts and here come the results. I resist the temptation to start chanting "COME ON WAGNER" as if I were at a football match.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER Cher is safe, and suddenly the razor blades look more appealing. Dermy ploghs through the 'safe' acts, with Wagner announced surprisingly early to a mixture of boos and cheers from the audience. Those booers better have a damn good reason ready for when they meet Lord Wagner at the pearly gates. Anyway on we go and... WHAT?! Belle Amie are safe? I suppose one should never underestimate the power of the bounceback vote, especially when coupled with Louis invocation of the sympathy vote to back it up. In one of those fleeting moments of real emotion that reminds me of better times and can't help but force a smile, Simon actually looks even more delighted than the girls do, and I think all involved are surprised. Louis looks horrified.

We're left after all is said and done with Paije, John and TreyC and the realization that the internet will be awash with idiots crying racism in 5 minutes is a little too much to bear. Paije is safe! He has survived the immense screwjob attempt of putting him on first dressed as someone from Butlins! Don't get me wrong, he has no chance of winning but he could be an outside bet to last longer than many might expect given his survival this week. They can't screw him so blatantly again next week can the... wait, don't answer that.

So John and TreyC. Two men (well, one man and one woman) enter, one man (woman) leaves. The screwjob on Paije may have failed but the even more ridiculous one on John (seriously I refuse to believe that even Brian Friedman could have thought those dancers were a good idea) appears to have worked perfectly because there's no chance he's getting through barring some ridiculous deadlock crap a la last series.

Ads, and now here comes John and oh God he knows he's leaving and there's nothing he can do to stop it. When you know you're doomed things can go one of two ways - you can put on an astounding performance and leave with one last hurrah or you can completely fall to pieces and sound awful. John is firmly in the latter camp. He's singing "Because of You", or more accurately "BEEEIIHHEECAAAEEEIIAAUUHHHHSSSHHHEEEE OF YOUUU". Oh and just for good measure when he's not butchering words by adding a few dozen vowels to them he appears to be forgetting them.
TreyC could come on and sing the Postman Pat theme tune and survive to be honest, but she's instead opted for "One Night Only". Again the problems with her switching instantly from min to max volume are apparent and at time she seems like she's trying too hard (even more than usual) and it's shouty in places but it's infinitely better than John.

Louis saves his act and votes to dispose of TreyC of course, Cheryl and Dannii dispatch John, leaving Simon in the postion of power that he loves so much. You can tell he's hiding a giant boner under the desk as he umms and ahhs knowing full well from the start he's going to send John home. And so it proves, "I'm going to send home...John" he declares, as he probably makes some Messy Little Raindrops in his pants.

Farewell Yawn Adeleyeyeyeyeye, we hardly knew ye because ye weren't plastered all over the tabloids every day and weren't given a gimmick by the powers that be (aside from funny hair).

Makes sense that the one week I don't mention John in my predictions to go, he goes.

Until next week, when surely Belle Amie have to be put out of their misery!

Live Show 3 - October 23 2010 (part 2)

"With TreyC I know she's got the voice but I'm waiting for her to prove she's a pop star"

Uh-oh, more cocaine-snorting training next week, methinks.

Yes we're back, and it's time for Tracey, who wants to show us she's "More than just a little girl with a big voice". The outfit she struts out onto stage in goes some way to helping - with what looks like plumed shoulder pads she looks more like a transvestite American Footballer (with a big voice). She's singing Led Zeppelin - in guilty pleasures week no less. I'm quite certain song choices won't get more nonsensical than this. Yes evidently Cheryl, who is probably pushing on 30 years old still apparently has that mentality that most children grow out of at some point in their teens where any music that either of their parents listen to is automatically incredibly uncool and should not be listened to ever by anyone.

Wait, there are dancers wearing American Football helmets which makes me think that whoever is responsible for the God-awful outfits we've seen tonight knew full well what he was making Tracey look like with those bizarre shoulder pads. Anyway, it's a decent performance, but something about it just doesn't 'fit'. She still has no mid-range and bellows from start to finish, too. Given the bizarre song choice (not only given that it's guilty pleasures week) she could be a surprise 'eviction' on Sunday night.

I bet Simon is regretting ever bringing Elton John up as Louis seems to have taken it as carte blanche to refer to him after every subsequent performance. More sales for Mr. John! Simon doesn't think she nailed the big notes - given the way she sung the song the 'big notes' would be all of them, so that's really rather damning. Oh, quote of the night material from Simon right here, "You've literally transformed into a different person". Literally. "Despite you not being well you haven't moaned and groaned" says Cheryl, who is on that Piers Morgan show immediately afterwards moaning and groaning about malaria for half an hour.

Judging from Dermot's 'interview' with Tracey we should be considering adding use of the word "Diva" to the X Factor drinking game as well. "You don't fit in here if you don't complain" mutters O'Leary sarcastically. I urge Tracey to reply, "Well okay then, you're an ugly smug tosser who can't present to save his life", but alas I am disappointed.

Up next it's THE PRIDE OF IRELAND (marybyrne)! She had trouble in rehearsals and is reverting to her original audition song. Now, I'm no expert on these things, but when you're having to recycle songs and it's only week 3, you're in a little spot of trouble, no? Dannii says in the VT that singing her audition song is a "Very brave thing to do". Umm, care to justify that dear? No, I didn't think so.

Mary is dressed in black, standing behind a microphone, waving her arms about occasionally. If you look carefully you can pinpoint the exact moment that Mary falls from the peak and her slippery descent down Mount X Factor's unforgiving slopes begins. She still sings well, but it's all starting to get very old and repetitive. Week 3 is when these things start to become readily apparent and as such is possibly the worst time she could have picked to recycle her audition song. She may well be this year's 'shock' week 5 exit at this rate.

"You represent REAL women with REAL life experience" bleats Chezza meaninglessly as I half expect her to chain herself to some railings somewhere. "You deliver every single time". That's the Royal Mail Cheryl, not Tesco. Sharp minds that they are, Dannii and Simon at least are starting to pick up on the repetitiveness of it all, insisting that she should do something more current in the future.

Ads, then over to Dannii to introduce "The gorgeous Aiden Grimshaw". I'm not sure where the 'gorgeous' comes from given that he looks and moves around on stage like Hermann Munster. Oh wow, he's on a platform and the chains are back! They're doing their best to portray him as some kind of psychopath and completely alienate him from the voting public, but to be fair Aiden himself isn't exactly helping matters. He's singing "Diamonds Are Forever" and it's every bit as wayward, out of tune and devoid of personality (unless "psycho" counts as a desirable trait in a singer) as last week.

Walsh - "I loved you week one, I loved you week two, I love you week three! Please sleep with me!". Okay, maybe I made the last bit up. "You tick every single box" - DRINK. You can tell Cheryl didn't like it but in order to appease Sir Cowell instead of launching into a full-on tirade she just waffles for a while about "intensity". This doesn't stop Cowell from disagreeing with her - he's "Back in the game" (DRINK).

Now it's time for undisputably the best part of any Aiden performance, the horrifying interview with Dermot! Aiden throws in a horribly unconvincing "Woo!" to show he is not a deranged serial killer but just a normal guy, then hilariously when Dermot asks him about being intense he replies in the 'I haven't planned to do this all week honest' moment of the show "I can bust a move too though", while doing a comical little grandad-dance. Magnificent - if he keeps this up he'll soon be rivalling Wagner in the comedy stakes.

After the break, Belle Amie (hands up who'd forgotten they existed?) and Wagner (hands up who's been suffering through all this crap just for him?)!

Cue Belle Amie, and cue your bog-standard "WAAAH we were in the bottom three" VT. Oh, they've changed their song and you can tell from the snippet of him in the VT that Cowell is not pleased at them for doing so. According to Nondescript Spice #2, the new song shows off all their individual voices. Uh-oh, even Nondescript Spice #4, the blonde one who can't sing and just stands there and looks 'pretty'? Cheryl - "If you're going to choose your own song what's the point in having a mentor?". Sometimes Chezza dear you make it far, far too easy.

They're hilariously sitting on a brightly lit bench, which makes it seem like light is shining out of their arses or something. That's quite a contrast to the dull tones that are coming out of their mouths. It's "I'll Stand By You", and in honour of Cheryl weekend they're doing a karaoke copy of the Girls Aloud version. The funny thing is they're not as awful as Simon's other group but they have no chance of getting past the next couple of weeks. Such is the power of the tween.

Oh Louis. Even when you're making a perfectly good and true point you have a way of delivering it that just makes me (and indeed everyone) want to disagree with you. The gist of what he's saying is that Simon doesn't care about the girls because he's putting all his efforts into One Direction (I bet Louis would like to put all his efforts into them too). Cheryl felt like she "Wanted to be up there singing with you". Well Chezza now that Nondescript Spice #4 is actually singing they need a new member who can't sing to just stand there and look pretty, so you'd be a perfect fit.

It's Wagner time! I've read song spoilers before watching the show so I know what's coming, and I'm in hysterics just thinking about it. He too went shopping, although I'm a little curious as to what he might have bought from Topshop.

He's singing "Spice Up Your Life" and it's every bit as awful as you might expect. Even by Wagner standards it's tuneless and his timing is awful. But of course, that's not why we watch Wagner. No, instead it's his hilarious dancing and wonderful facial expressions as he ogles the half-naked girls dancing around him that win the day as usual. And now, to top it all off, he's transitioning into "Livin' La Vida Loca", which is like taking a four cheese pizza and, well, adding more cheese. Now there are male dancers joining the fray too and they and the girls are kneeling before Lord Wagner, praising his awesomeness. After the John Adeleye dancers incident, Louis is obviously keen to show he knows how to make copulating dancers actually fit in with a song and performance.

But the best is saved for last. As the song closes the dancers line up with their backs to stage and two of them, ahem, 'expose' themselves to Wagner, who's face is adorned with the most fantastic 'caught on camera' look that has ever been seen. Cheryl looks aghast, as Simon next to her grins and all four judges have trouble collecting and expressing their thoughts. If Paije arrived at a Butlins in Milton Keynes earlier on, Wagner has arrived at the pearly gates and is being invited in with open arms and exposed breasts aplenty.

After the break and last to perform (but there's no favoritism here, got it?) it's Katie! I've read song spoilers for her too and I can hardly wait.

The problem with Katie is the powers that be can try all the image makeovers in existence, but they won't work. They've tried gimmicky Gaga Katie, gimmickless Katie, and now they're trying 'fun' Katie. The problem is that the public has an image of vacuous self-absorbed cow who already had a record deal and was 'in bed' with the powers that be (perhaps literally, perhaps not) Katie firmly imprinted in their minds, and that's not going to be shifted easily. To be fair to her she's doing a far better job of the whole 'meek and humble' thing in her VT than Cher did - spouting out how grateful she is to be here and how thankful she is and blah blah blah, but that sort of think didn't work for Danyl last year and it won't work for Katie this time - the damage is already done.

With Gaga-Jr and "The Real Katie" having failed, now she's channelling Marilyn Monroe and singing "I Wanna Be Like You-u-u". Yes, that's right and not a typo, she's singing that song from the Jungle Book. The really weird thing is it's not absolutely terrible and nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although given that after reading the song spoiler I expected a portal to Hell to emerge mid-performance and Satan himself to appear bellowing "SO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET OF MAN'S RED FIRE MORTAL?" before setting the studio alight and heralding the onset of the apocalypse, perhaps saying "It's not as bad as I expected" is very, very faint praise.

The real issue is that given that Katie is immediately following Wagner, this just seems like Wagner-lite. There's also something innately comical about her singing "I wanna be like youuu" given her blatant imitation of at least three completely different artists in the past couple of months.

The judges predictably lap what was at best an average performance up. Why they are continually trying to push her I have no idea given that even with all the underhanded help in the world she has no chance of reaching the final, let alone winning. Anyway, Dermot gives her a chance to continue the whole 'meek and humble' act, and VOTING LINES ARE OPEN OH GOD HOW EXCITING.

Recap and close. On Sunday night only one act will leave the competition. Given that up until they were introduced and then from about 2 minutes after their performance I'd forgotten they even existed, I'm going to call Belle Amie leaving, with Paije being saved by t'judges. I hope I'm wrong and somehow Katie leaves because if she carries on like this it is only a matter of time before the gates to Hell really do swing open.

Live Show 3 - October 23 2010 (part 1)

Oh joy, it's guilty pleasures week!

In an ideal world this would mean Mary professing her love for Metallica, Matt busting a move to some Daft Punk, and Cher revealing she loves Cher (the old one, we've already established she loves herself). In practice however, it's probably going to be another "Sing whatever you bloody want, nobody's going to care" week.

LAST WEEKEND

THE COMPETITION WAS EXPLOSIVE

UNFORTUNATELY NOT LITERALLY EXPLOSIVE

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE

YOU KNOW

IF SOMEONE HAD PLANTED A BOMB UNDER CHERYL'S CHAIR

OR CHERYL'S CHER FOR THAT MATTER

Last week Storm and Diva Fever were the unfortunate victims. I say unfortunate not because they can sing, but because they're two of over half a dozen acts left that can't sing, and as such it was just unfortunate that the fickle phone-dialing finger of fate pointed disapprovingly towards them and not in another (one) direction.

IT'S TIME! TO FACE! THE MUSIC! And face it we must, unfortunately.

Before the titles Simon informs us that "The gloves are off". The gloves may be off, but I'm sure the ridiculous costumes will still be on.

Cue judges entrance and Dermot helpfully informing us that the contestant's performances are available to download on iTunes if anyone is feeling particularly masochistic.

If the last performing slot is the 'Pimp Slot' then the first is surely the 'Bitch Slot', and this week the unfortunate victim is Paije. Given that his grandmother passed away this week I half-expected he'd be given at least a decent slot, but then I forgot that this is the X Factor and that sob stories are only cool when the powers that be actually want the contestant to do well. Indeed, his grandmother's passing isn't even mentioned in the VT - instead the far more important issue of Paije and the rest of the acts going shopping is tackled. I wouldn't mind such issued being glossed over if there was any sort of consistency but given dead wife guy from a couple of years ago and given that you can guarantee that certain acts have been and would be encouraged to dwell on any tragedy as much as possible in order to invoke the almighty power of the sympathy vote, the show has backed itself into a corner where now it even seems distasteful when they don't dwell on tragedy. Well that's my justification for being a massive hypocrite about it, anyway.

Paije is apparently "Stripping down" in his performance this week and "Laying himself bare on the stage". I thought that would be saved for Wagner.

As I've mentioned before I like Paije but this is terminally dull. He's singing a stripped-down "Ain't Nobody". Thankfully he isn't naked, in this case 'stripped-down' appears to be code for 'made as dull as possible'. He's also dressed as a holiday rep with a fancy t-shirt under the traditional red jacket.

The judges disagree though, saying it was his best performance yet. Sir Simon of Cowell didn't like what he was wearing and says he has to "Turn himself into a pop star" and start "Behaving and acting like a star". So that'll be some drunk-driving, cocaine-snorting and toilet attendant punching training for poor Paije if he survives to next week then, marvellous. Dannii informs him that he has "Arrived" but decides to omit the "At a Butlins in Milton Keynes".

John and Rebecca after the accursed ads! You can almost hear the producers saying "Let's get the darkies out of the way", although to be fair given all the oppression that black people faced in the past where they were, for example, forced to sit on the back of buses, maybe the powers that be feel like they're doing them a favour by letting them perform at the front-end of the show. Tasteless, moi?

The first of Louis' THREE acts THREE DID YOU HEAR THAT SIMON I HAVE THREE ACTS AND YOU ONLY HAVE TWO THEREFORE MY PENIS IS LARGER THAN YOURS is Yawn Adeleye. John also went shopping this week and, err, yeah, I'm going to start skipping the VTs unless there's anything particularly funny to mention. Apparently he's going to showcase his 'fun' side this week.

Here he is and OH GOD WHAT'S THAT ON HIS HEAD? Apparently Johns 'fun side' consists of pulling the front half of his hair back and having a flattened half-afro at the back causing him to look not unlike a mushroom. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom". A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom" while two dancers randomly engage in some heavy (and I mean heavy) petting in the background (read: foreground). This is an absolutely delightful screwjob - his singing is fine but literally (and I mean literally) everything else about the performance is utterly terrible. Song choice? Terrible. Staging? Terrible. Outfit? Terrible. Dancers? Terrible. The best part of the performance is a close-up of Simon with his eyes firmly fixed over to his left and the dancers with an amazing mix of arousal and bewilderment on his face. I've managed to make it to week 3 without insulting Brian Friedman but I can go further without announcing that he is a giant tossrag and a major reason why the X Factor is such nonsense at the moment and furthermore he OH GOD DID THAT WOMAN REALLY JUST WRAP HER LEGS AROUND THAT GUY THEN SLIDE DOWN AND MOTION AS IF SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM... ERR... ORAL PLEASURE? Brian Friedman, I hate you as much as it's possible to hate someone you've never met.

Haha, not even Louis can defend the dancers, blaming the aforementioned tossrag instead. In one of the moments that makes you remember why Simon can be great television sometimes he likens watching the performance to watching a newscaster with two dogs mating in the background - a beautiful summary. Louis comments on his new look and new hair and fantasically there is a little snigger from elements of the audience before everything gets drowned out by the predictable WOOOOOOOOO-ing.

Rebecca next! She also went shoppin... okay I'll stop saying that. The song she's singing is "All about personality" according to Simon. Uh-oh. "I don't want to be seen as just Becky with two kids" drones Rebecca, who has two kids. Well you're on the wrong programme then dear, seeing as typecasting people like that is what the show is all about.

She's singing "Why Don't You Do Right?" by Jessica Rabbit (well okay someone sang it before then but I'm damned if I know who) and it's actually really good - her strongest performance by some margin and the first time she's really looked comfortable on stage. This is marred somewhat by the fact that she's wearing a dress that makes it look like she has a third leg growing out of her right hip, but I've come to expect no less given the outfits on display thus far tonight.  I'm pretty sure Cowell will have a problem with her "relevance", but that's really quite, well, irrelevant.

Cue Louis who we all know has an aversion to mentioning places - "LIVERPOOL has definitely got a new popstar". Surprisingly Simon has no issues with relevance and informs her that this was the night she "Turned into a star". That dress makes it look more like the night she turned into a three-legged mutant, but he has a point too. He also takes the time to call Elton John out for daring to say whatever he said in the papers earlier in the week. Well done Simon, you just sold him a few more records. Cheryl - "You tick every box" - DRINK!

Dermot is having trouble collecting his thoughts and can merely ask Rebecca, "Where did you come from!?". Err, Liverpool Dermot, have you heard her speak? And God knows the judges have mentioned it often enough. It's interesting that as the use of the word "journey" has apparently been banned from the hallowed X Factor halls that the presenter and judges have instead resorted to nonsense like saying "You've arrived!", "Where did you come from!?" and maybe next week, "You're stuck in traffic on the M6 but it's easing up past junction 6 so hang on in there". Just drop all pretentions and say the J-word, at the very least it will save oxygen.

Dermot is even confused about her name, calling her "Jessica Rabbit" as she wanders off stage. Methinks O'Leary has been too busy this week thinking up new barbs to throw in Louis' direction.

Oh joy, Cher after the break.

She really can't help but come over as a smug cow in the VT, it's quite hilarious. "Dannii didn't think that my risk came off..." she mutters, with a look of bewilderment on her face that just screams "HOW COULD THAT STUCK-UP BITCH NOT APPRECIATE MY ART!?" She prefers to follow up with, "It sort of made me think... watch what I can do now". I'm guessing it's going to involve rapping badly, singing badly, and possibly punching Dannii in the face in some toilets, am I warm?

Tonight Matthew, Cher is going to be Sharon from a council estate in Romford! She's singing the Dizzee Rascal/James Corden version of "Shout" by Tears for Fears. Let's get that out of the way immediately. In no way is what she's singing "fresh" or "original" or "clever" and if the judges start wittering on along those lines I'm probably going to have an aneurysm. It's quite fitting given she's singing the England song from the last World Cup that it's a performance of two halves - to be fair she sounds quite good in the verses - Cher is at her most pleasant / least repulsive when she's in that not-quite-rapping-but-not-quite-singing middle ground. Then the chorus comes along and ruins everything though. "Shout! Shout! Let it all out!" she wails, taking the lyrics a little too literally and shrieking as if an evil spirit were being exorcised from within her. Oh, there's also a contraption that resembles a few large hamster wheels on stage for no discernible reason. Genius. Then she breaks out into full-on rap mode and everything breaks down even more.

Louis gets my idiotic comment of the night thus far award for stating with a straight face that "Elton (John) would love that tune". Then Dannii praises her and Cher has this wonderful relieved look on her face that just screams, "Thank God, now I won't have to taint my wonderful fists by touching her face with them". Dannii also thought the staging was 'incredible' - no dear, it was a few dancers pushing an oversized hamster wheel around a bit. Cowell - "It didn't feel like you were in a competition... it felt like you were someone who's had 5 hit records". I think he's missing an 's' somewhere in there. He also describes the merging of the two songs as "Very clever". No Simon. It wasn't clever when James Corden and Dizzee Rascal did it (indeed it rivals that Echo and the Bunnymen/Spice Girls song as the worst football song in recent memory, and that's really saying something) and it's not clever now. Stick to making comments about dogs mating behind news presenters.

Also I'm now officially declaring that "The real you" is a formal addition to the X Factor drinking game.

Oh, Cher gets a spot between ads all to herself, just as in week 1. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragically transparent. Matt and One DirectionSHRIIIIIIIEEEEEKKK after the break!

Matt is pretty boring from a blog-writing perspective because he's actually quite good and is yet to come on stage dressed as some sort of comedy caricature. He's even apparently ditched the hat (well, during his performances, not in the VTs). He's sitting with and actually playing a guitar (musical instruments actually being played on the X Factor?) and singing the Travis version of "Baby One More Time", which at least one of these idiotic judges is bound to describe as fresh/original/clever, and it's really good, the only fault I can level at it is that it's a little close to the Travis version (which doesn't matter in the grand scope of things because people who actually vote on shows like this won't even know a version other than Britney's exists). The judges loved it and let's just press on because One Direction are infinitely more mockable.

Yes, it's One Direction (ambling slowly towards Westlifeville)! Simon helpfully informs us that he's unconcerned about being down to two acts because "It's about quality not quantity". Well given that both your groups are awful Simon, you probably should be concerned.

One Direction also went shopping (sorry)! It seems like they w-HE WINKED AT ME OH MY GOD HE WINKED AT ME err, yeah. Nobody crush that poor teenage girl's hopes by telling her that it's just lazy eye, okay?

Oh here's Brian Friedman, helpfully informing us that in rehearsals they "Didn't sound right". It's taken him this long to notice? Not recorded, Cowell's subsequent conversation with the sound man:

"Wow, Brian was right, they do sound awful. Crank up the backing track another notch"

"It's already at maximum volume sir! I cannae push it any louder, it's gonnae blow!"

"You're damn right it's gonna blow if we don't get that backing track up loud enough to drown out their actual voices, get to it!"

Oh, they just changed songs instead. Meh.

Oh wow, they're singing Pink's "Nobody Knows" and after this travesty Simon has no right to criticize Louis for turning a group into Westlife ever again because this is evern more Westlife-ish than Westlife. It's One-Direction-by-numbers, first the one who can actually sing a little sings, then everyone else comes in complete with hilariously overbearing backing vocals until the token Asian guy gets to sing two syllables at the end to show he's an integral part of the group. It's impossible to actually rate as a performance (the backing singers did well) but I'm pretty sure it was bad. If Louis had balls he'd call Simon out on this nonsense but he and all the judges will love it, of course.

Dannii calls Cowell out on Pink being a guilty pleasure. Really Dannii, you choose now when pretty much every single song so far has been not-a-guilty-pleasure to such an extent that I'd forgotten that there even was a theme this week? Oh wow, did Cheryl just invoke The Beatles when talking about these talentless idiots? I'm not sure things can get more absurd than this. Cowell - "Vocally you've made some huge improvements". Translated - "We've now got 12 speakers blaring the backing in instead of 8".

Haha, Dermot just called all the judges out on the whole 'guilty pleasures' thing. Savour Dermot doing this good thing because it's going to have to last you for a year or so.

Ads. We're half way there folks.

Results Show 2 - October 17 2010

LAST NIGHT!

SINGING!

"SINGING!"

AND CLICHES!

TONIGHT!

IT'S ANOTHER DOUBLE ELIMINATION!

IT'S UNLCEAR AS TO WHETHER MARY WILL COUNT AS BOTH ELIMINATIONS IF SHE IS KNOCKED OUT!

FAT JOKES ARE FUN!

Okay, okay, enough of that nonsense. Last night some people sang and tonight Storm and someone else are going to get knocked out. But not until we've endured the horrors of the group performance, Diana Vickers singing in the aural version of an illegible scrawl, and Katy Perry trying to sing live first!

First it's the judges! I don't know whether all the split rumours are true or if it's just the show courting yet more publicity but there is a noticeable gap between Dannii/Louis (who are holding hands) and Chezza/Simon (Simon gives Cheryl a wonderful "nobody will ever know we just shagged before coming out here" look as he is introduced, and judging by how bizarrely Cheryl is dressed, like she got dressed in a hurry, that might just have actually happened).

Oh great, group performance time! Immediate thought- it's bizzare that Katie has spent so much time in the music business and yet she still hasn't learned to mime properly. Everyone else seems to be doing a great job of covering their mouths with a combination of microphone and hands so as to make it 'impossible to tell' they're miming. Well, until the overs invade the stage and ruin everythi... OH CHRIST CHER'S AWFUL RAPPING IS EVEN INFECTING THESE GROUP PERFORMANCES NOW. I thought that as bad as these group performances are they would at least be the one sanctuary from the terrible rapping, but alas no, this crap now has exactly zero redeeming features. John and Katie's vocal parts in particular are hilarious because they sound absolutely nothing like them.

Oh, they sang Gaga/Beyonce's "Telephone". Ugh.

5 minute recap. Time for a cuppa. And a shot of morphine.

Apparently we were all "blown away" by Diana Vickers a couple of series ago. Umm, didn't she finish 4th or 5th? Obviously we weren't so much blown away as we were inconvenienced by a mild breeze, stop fibbing O'Leary! Disappointingly there are no captions like there were for Joe last week...

"SHE WAS A GIRL FROM BLACKBURN"

"SHE HAD A DREAM"

"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE DESPITE HER FINISHING 4TH WHICH REALLY EMPHASIZES THE COMPLETE POINTLESSNESS OF THIS COMPETITION"

Oh wait there are captions!

"DEBUT NUMBER ONE SINGLE" (better than Joe managed)

"NUMBER ONE ALBUM" (better than Joe will manage)

What makes Diana fun is you get to play "guess the lyrics" as she sings. I'm pretty sure I hear a "Hush hush gay men" early on, then something about her "Wiccan Heart". On to the second verse and apparently she likes "Jams on bread", then the bridge which appears to be a tribute to the deliciousness of limes "Limes / La-la-limes / La-la-limes...". Then Ms Vickers invites us all to "Cook a Jew", which strikes me as a little tasteless in more ways than one. It's actually not a horrible song, although the chorus is a blatant rip-off of RHCP's "Under the Bridge".

Oh wow, it must be contagious, I could have sworn I just heard Dermot ask if "Wiccan Heart" was available for download now. Also she may be pregnant - that or she just keeps clutching her stomach to prevent THE CLAW from escaping.

Ad time!

Katy Perry time!

Here are the nice things I can say about her performance!

- She's pretty hot.

- She's not miming.

Now it's time for the wall of bad. I'm not sure if I'm reverting to Vickers-mode in imagining lyrics that aren't there. Apparently Ms Perry is wondering if I've ever felt like a plastic bag before. Well no dear, I can't say I have. Oh, and in case you're wondering how I could tell she's not miming, it's because she sounds bloody awful. The fact that she was a guest judge on the show and managed to pass judgment on auditionees singing ability without cowering in shame and repeatedly slapping herself is even more remarkable than Cheryl somehow doing the same thing every week.

I'm sorry. This is actually the first time I've felt it necessary to do what I'm about to do this year but I'm muting this. It's so bad it's embarassing me just listening to it. Plus it's pretty funny to watch muted, it looks like Katy is having a psychotic episode as people flail around her with spark-firing limbs and random things explode.

She gets a standing ovation, of course. If the judges didn't know who she was she'd be getting four nos.

Dermot pops in for a chat. Katy's first words are "We like to light it up". Well, maybe that would help numb the pain of having to suffer through that godawful performance, it's true. Dermot asks her about her tour to which she replies "Oh, I think the dates are all sold out". You can hear her silently adding, "So why the hell am I here if I have nothing to plug?"

Okay, ads, and now everyone is coming back on stage. It's results time!

Katie declared safe first. "No particular order" my arse. All the predictable names are wheeled out, and Wagner being declared safe 10th (hurrah!) leaves us with Aiden, Belle Amie, Diva Fever, and Storm. They could have picked a better 4th name to maintain suspense seeing as it's obvious Aiden is going through, and so it proves.

Storm is last and has to leave IMMEDIATELY. Nobody really cares, although having to suffer through Diva Fever 'singing' at least once more is a blow.

After the break "It's Diva Fever versus Belle Amie". Whoever wins, we lose.

First up it's Diva Fever. They're singing "I Will Survive", and without the elaborate staging and backing it's even more obvious how awful they are. Plus there's something remarkably fitting about them singing "Go on now go / Walk out the door / Just turn around now / 'Cause you're not welcome anymore". Like I said last week, their Big Gay Workout DVD will be out sometime next year.

Belle Amie now, and although I have no idea what they're singing they're infinitely better without troubling the "good" borderline. If they don't go through, I'll..... well I'll be mildly irritated for a few seconds.

The funniest thing about the judges' vote is that Simon doesn't even get to have a say because the other three all vote unceremoniously to ditch Diva Fever. When asked who he would have voted to send home, Simon is remarkably non-committal for once in his life (hint: he would have ditched Diva Fever).

And so the fun and games ends for another week!

NEXT WEEK!

EVERYONE WILL SING AGAIN!

IN THEIR USUAL PREDICTABLE WAY!

SINGING PREDICTABLE SONGS!

THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANY RELEVANCE TO WHATEVER THE THEME IS!

I can hardly wait.

Live Show 2 - October 16 2010 (part 2)

Ads, with the promise of Rebecca and "Brooding hulk" Aiden after the break. Well, apparently one person's 'brooding hulk' is another's 'quivering wreck'.

Oh no! Rebecca is having problems putting her shoulders back! Forget the problems in the Middle-East, forget the Chilean miners, this is the true humanitarian disaster story of the week! There's some rambling about confidence before Bex takes to the stage wearing a PURPLE dress and PURPLE lipstick and she's singing Elton John's YELLOW Brick Road. Oh okay, it's PURPLE ****ing Rain. Again. Every year someone gets wheeled out to sing this half-arsedly so we can all remember how great Ruth Lorenzo was and how it's a travesty she didn't get further in the competition. Rebecca has a pleasant enough voice but one still can't shake the fact that watching her even after all these weeks still seems like watching someone (albeit someone quite talented) auditioning for the first time.

Wait no she actually sang "Feeling Good". I'll leave that struckthrough text up there as a testament to how insanely powerful that purple lipstick truly was.

Cowell: "You're current". Given her attire and make-up I feel "blackcurrant" may have been more appropriate.

Aiden now, he-who-looks-permanently-like-he's-had-an-accident-in-his-pants. It's official, last week's psychotic staring and convulsing on stage wasn't just an act - he actually does sing like that. He's ploughing through John Lennon's "Jealous Guy" and it sounds just like Lennon himself were singing. Which given that he's been dead for 30 years isn't intended as a compliment. The judges actually tell it like it is for once - it was awkward and "out of control". Louis resorts to begging for people to vote for Aiden despite him not actually being one of his acts.

Katie and Wagner after the break! More ads, giving the viewing public time to sharpen their pitchforks.

Wagner time! He's having trouble with his timing apparently, which given that he is God and as such is omnipresent is unsurprising. He's singing "Help Yourself" by Tom Jones and just in case you were worried it's still hilarious. Still awful, but still hilarious.

Once again it's hard to place exactly why it's so funny, which just makes it all the more funny. Whereas last year you had a gimmick act who hit you over the head repeatedly with the joke ("Look! We're riding the GHOSTBUSTERS car dressed in GHOSTBUSTERS outfits while singing the GHOSTBUSTERS theme!"), Wagner's comedy is a little more subtle (and believe me I never thought I'd be describing him as "subtle"). He still has that occasional "Where am I and what am I doing here?" stare fixed on his face, and there's something about half a dozen scantily-clad hot young women fawning over him that just makes me giggle. Then male dancers join the fray and start dragging the women away from him, it's truly inspired. And there's titty-rubbing at the end! Presumably this is a recurring gimmick, and is in fact a sly tactic to stop Wagner from ever having to perform early in the show because of the watershed. We can't have boobie-fondling before 9pm!

Chezza quickly introduces Katie, like she can't wait to get it all over with. She proudly announces that Louis "saved her dignity" in the VT. No dear, he just condemned you to another week in this godforsaken circus being loathed by the majority of the viewers.

Oh look, she's ditched the Baby Gaga look! I'm truly shocked! Yes folks this is "The Real Katie" now (well, until she gets wind that the public don't like this image too, then she will probably reveal that all this has been a lie and that the "Real Real Katie" is actually a rock chick or something. Anyway, she's singing Etta James' "I'd Rather Go Blind" and it sounds just like Etta herself. If she were singing over a mobile phone line from the bottom of the San Jose mine in Chile, that is. Although it's nowhere near as bad as the travesty that was last week, she doesn't have the range for the song so it all ends up sounding a little boring. The judges predictably lap it up.

Belle Amie and Mary next! I entertain myself during the ads by wondering which out of the two would win in a no-holds-barred fight.

Oh no - infighting in Camp Amie! Nondescript Spice is unhappy that Other Nondescript Spice gets to sing some part or other of the song! Here they come, and they're made up to look like villains from some sort of sci-fi porn movie from the neck up, and like it's bedtime in chavtown from the neck down. They're singing "You Really Got Me" by their musical heroes The Kinks. Here's how I imagine their song choice conversation going.

Simon: "So, what song are you going to sing this week girls?"

BA: "I dunno Simon, do you have any suggestions"

Simon: "The Kinks"

BA: "The Kinks? Isn't that like... doing it in public and getting tied up by your partner and eating food of each others bodies and stuff? I know we're desperate for votes but isn't that taking it a little far?"

Simon: "No girls, there's a band. Called The Kinks. You're thinking of the word 'Kinky'"

BA: "Oh right! What did they sing?"

Simon: "You Really Got Me"

BA: "What? You want us to sing a song by this band but you don't even know what they sang? How's that gonna work?"

Simon: "No girls, one of the songs they sang was called 'You Really Got Me'"

BA: "Ohhh right, how does it go?"

Simon (singing): "You really got me. You really got me. You really got me"

BA: "So you want us to sing this song by The Kings or whatever they're called and you don't even know how it goes?"

Simon: "NO THAT'S HOW THE GODDAMN SONG GOES"

Yes, I'm ever so cynical about The Kinks being Belle Amie's "musical heroes". Their performance isn't as bad as last week but they still sound like they're competing with each other rather than singing together during the harmonies, and none of them has anything more than an average voice to start with. They're in trouble on Sunday, I predict (bold, I know).

Up next it's TESCOMaryfromdublinIRELAND! She's singing Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" (at least some people seem to be taking the "heroes" theme remotely seriously), and it's every bit as good as last week. In fact that's really the problem, it's nearly exactly the same as last week. Regardless, cue standing ovation, cue tears, cue judges waxing lyrical about her. Louis - "You're exactly what it says on the tin". Mistake Louis, that's Ronseal, not Tesco.

Finally we near the home straight in this two-and-a-half hour endurance slog, and last on it's Hatt Cardle! WILL HE BE ABLE TO HIT THE HIGH NOTE? There's a lot of fuss in the VT about him "hitting a big C", which I take to mean that he's going to leap off the stage at some point and punch Simon repeatedly in the face.

Here he is! Hatless! And he's singing... Bruno Mars? BRUNO MARS? HOW THE HELL IS HE ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING A "MUSICAL HERO" WHAT THE..... oh you know what? Forget it. He sings nicely enough. Not nicely enough to make me think he'd be any more successful than the other failed male winners (i.e. all of them), but it's pleasant enough to listen to for now. The judges predictably loved it.

Cue recap, cue phone numbers, cue "OHGODWOWHOWEXCITINGISTOMORROWNIGHTGOINGTOBE!?!?", cue Storm and Belle Amie predictably leaving on Sunday night with John or Paije getting saved by the judges (my predictions can't be much worse than last week).

Live Show 2 - October 16 2010 (part 1)

"Will your favourite stay in? With some flashing images (hopefully not Wagner), it's the X Factor".

LAST WEEK!

SONGS WERE SUNG!

MOSTLY BADLY!

CLICHES WERE WHEELED OUT!

AND THAT FOREIGN GUY WHO ISN'T WAGNER AND SOME CRAP GROUP WHO WEREN'T ANY OF THE OTHER GROUPS ALL OF WHO ARE CRAP WERE ELIMINATED!

THIS WEEK!

WHY IS MARY SINGING INTO A WATER BOTTLE?

WILL THERE BE MORE WAGNER-INSPIRED TITTY RUBBING?

THESE QUESTIONS MAY OR MAY NOT BE ANSWERED!

TONIGHT!

Dermot introduces things by ominously announcing that "If you thought last week was good (no) just wait for tonight!"

I'm waiting. Can we cut the waffle and get on with it please?

The judges come out to the superman theme, perhaps in tribute to their superhuman abilities in somehow managing to keep this increasingly stale show popular. Dermot intorduces "ray of sunshine" Louis Walsh (take a drink, Dermot's thinly-veiled insulting of Louis is now a bona-fide addition to the X Factor drinking game).

Oh, and the theme is "musical heroes", so you can probably expect songs from B*Witched, 5ive and Mr Blobby.

First up, it's Storm! Seeing as there's a crossover with Strictly this week the first slot isn't just the death spot, it's more the death-followed-by-a-painful-weekend-in-hell spot. Cheryl tells Storm to "just stand there and sing" in the VT. No comment.

Storm emerges on stage and there's a motorcycle! And pyrotechnics! And he's singing! Very badly! It's Springsteen's "Born to Run (out of the competition tomorrow night)" and it's awful. It's tuneless, and when it isn't tuneless it's out of tune, and when it isn't out of tune it's just boring.

Cheryl tells him she's not sure that this is him (drink), and that she'd rather see him just singing without the gimmickry. It's a shame that Cher hasn't gone before Storm so I can point out what a giant hypocritical cow she is, but c'est la vie. Besides Chezza dear, he changed his bloody name to Storm, I'm pretty sure he's not averse to a little bit of gimmickry. Simon calls him "a singing fly (flying all the way out of the door tomorrow night)" and you can tell Louis has been up all night thinking of 'clever' things to say. "Born To Run? You were born to sing!". And you were born to irritate, Louis.

Ads. The first of many.

Cheryl is barely audible introducing TreyC (Tracey) over the caterwauling in the audience who again sound like a large electric current is being passed through their seats at random intervals. Disappointingly we get few shots of her impossibly enormous arse as she wails through Prince's "Purple Rain". It's all fairly pleasant but only emphasizes the problem that I thought I might have with TreyC (Tracey) since week 1 - she has a volume control that goes from 1 to 11 but has absolutely nothing in between. The judges will love it though.

Someone compares her to Tina Turner (what), and fashion expert Simon Cowell proceeds to tell her she looks great before rambling on about how she doesn't look great. Wagner hasn't even been on yet and already Cowell's brain appears to be melting.

Again Dannii introducing Paije is barely audible. At this point it's become fairly obvious that this week's theme is actually "Childhood stories". If you're watching the show now, just skip all the VTs and insert "I've always loved singing since I was 3 years old and have always dreamed of this blah blah blah" intermittently. Oh, and Paije is also singing into a water bottle. Apparently he's having trouble breathing, so he begins his performance sitting down. It's very different from TreyC in that he finds the middle-ground between understated and blaring very well, and he's as soulful as ever, but it sounds like he was having trouble breathing because he has a cold - it's a terribly nasal performance of a song I don't recognize.

Resident dance expert Simon has no problem with the performance but apparently has an issue with the dancers seeming out-of-place. Hey, if that Alesha Dixon chick can get on the judging panel for Strictly, maybe Simon can too if he keeps this up.

One DirectioAUDIENCESHRIEEEEEEEEEEEK next. Oh no! Curly Spice has stage fright despite the fact it's at least a day before the show! Cue sob story!

Now they're on stage! Cue inane grinning at each other! Cue awful singing! Now last week I said their harmonies actually sounded pretty decent but this week I'm sure someone in the audio room has been playing with them because there's no way that five awful singers can combine into anything remotely resembling a tuneful harmony. Plus there's blaring disco backing in the chorus that only seems to serve as a distraction. But that's not my main issue with their performance. They're singing, in "musical heroes" week, a bloody Kelly Clarkson song.  Yes that's right folks, forget Elvis, The Beatles, The Stones. Heck, forget bands like Oasis or even Take That who might just about be an acceptable choice for a group of 17-year olds, they're ****ing singing Kelly Clarkson. WHO'S MUSICAL HERO IS SHE EXACTLY COWELL YOU GIANT HEAP OF TURD?

Louis says "You seem to be having fun on stage", which as we learnt last week is Walshese for "You were shit but I can't actually say that because Simon will hit me". Respect points for Louis as he calls Cowell out on the Clarkson nonsense though, and Saint Simon's only real response is to have a dig at Louis for being bitchy, which is kind of like Hitler having a go at someone in the street for looking at some Jews funnily. Dannii refers to them as "five heart-throbs", which causes one of them to fist-pump hilariously. That's right, aim for the stars little guy, it doesn't matter if you can't sing, as long as Dannii Monogue thinks you're a little heart-throb that's all that truly matters.

My contempt for these guys who are in all truth probably just normal teenage boys grows wih every passing week.

Ads. Cher and John to come.

"Wey aaahll want tew see this perfarrmanse, it's Chair!" No Cheryl dear, no we don't. Oooh Cher is a wicked witch! Oh and there's also a picture of her in a pointy black hat and robe with a cauldron at age 15! Oh yeah, and she's "created" another song. You can almost hear the sound of millions of lawyers simultaneously switching over to ITV1.

I don't know what she's wearing, but I do know that I could use some of those sunglasses they gave to the Chilean miners last week. Anyway... I don't know what on earth she's singin... OH GOD "IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE"!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The funniest thing is it sounded better with the little kid singing it. I thought she was decent last week but this is reaching new levels of bad. She can't sing (even the insanely loud backing in the chorus can't disguise it), she can't rap, she can't really do much of anything. Let me guess, the judges will love it.

Kudos to Dannii who says it seemed uncertain, but Cowell is in prime form, telling her she "Could sing from the phone book". Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, maybe next week?

"AARON A AARONSEN, RING-A-DING DING"
"AARON B AARONSEN, RING-A-DING DING"
"AARON C AARONSEN, BRRRRAAAAAAPP BRRRRRAAAAAAAAPP"

Yawn Adeleye next. He seems to be this week's Wagner in so much as his surname has been pronounced half a dozen different ways so far.

John makes a pretty good job of "A (boring) Song For You" by Donny Hathaway, but it's, umm, a boring song. Dermot asks the pertinent question, "WHO IS THE REAL JOHN???" as if this were some sort of murder mystery programme. Hint: JUST BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD HALF A DOZEN DIFFERENT SOB STORIES AND STAGE GIMMICKS THROWN AT HIM DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE 'REAL' JOHN IS YOU SNIVELLING IDIOT O'LEARY.

Dive Fever next. "Singing has always been an important part of our lives", one of them declares. Apparently not tonight though, as they plough through some terrible song or other while managing to sing for all of about 5 seconds of the 2 minutes they were on stage. The words "Barbra Streisand" appear on screen behind them and I for one find myself praying that South Park's Mecha Barbra Streisand makes an appearance and sorts these idiots out.

On further investigation I discover that the song is "Barbra Streisand" by "Duck Sauce". I have no idea who the hell that is, but to be honest I feel I'm going to get a little burnt out on insulting the whole "musical heroes" theme, so I'll let it pass for now.

Chezza - "You look like you were having the time of your lives". It appears that Walshese is catching.

Results Show 1 - October 10 2010

I don't want to make a habit of sprawling three-part updates, but unfortunately that's what happens when I'm in and out of the house and have a sprawling two-and-a-half-hour show to tackle! I could have dedicated a dozen paragraphs to Wagner alone, so actually you're kind of lucky.

Anyway LAST NIGHT! SOME PEOPLE! SANG SOME SONGS! AND YOU GOT! TO VOTE! AND NOW! IT'S! TIME! FOR! THE! RESULTS!

But not before we have to endure special guest performances from Usher and that guy who won last year, I think his name was Jim? Cue judges intros, and it's nice to see Dannii looking a little more normal than last night, although Chezza still seems to be going with the 'chav funeral chic' look.

Oh joy, it's time for the absurd group performance! They're usually terrible enough as it is but with upward of a couple of dozen people on stage vying for attention while miming horribly this is going to be madness. They're singing "The Rhythm of the Night" - the girls trot out first dressed surprisingly normally and while there's a short moment while Cher and TreyC face and sing at (definitely at, not to) each other when I worry that we might have our first ever X Factor live show headbutt on stage, it's all suitably boring. It's impossible to determine a standout when there are 16 acts on stage and they're miming but I do catch a glimpse of Paije with that "I'm just genuinely delighted to be here and have no agenda, no dark secrets and no sense of entitlement" smile on his face and I can't help but momentarily want him to win (even though he has no chance of doing so).

Cue a (literally) 5 minute long highlights reel.

And cue Usher! As the little VT plays with captions such as "OVER 40 MILLION RECORDS SOLD WORLDWIDE", "WINNER OF 5 GRAMMY AWARDS" and "FOUR UK NUMBER ONES" I can't help but wonder what captions they're going to use for Joe McElderry. "FIRST X FACTOR WINNER NOT TO GET XMAS NUMBER 1", "IS A FAN OF ITALIAN FOOD" and "LOVES HIS MUM" don't quite have the same ring to them.

From the moment Usher descends onto stage via the ceiling even if you'd had no exposure to him before you would instantly know it's going to be all about the performance, with singing being almost an afterthought - and so it proves. Frankly I can't help but think about how much more I'd be enjoying whatever it is he is dancing/singing if Wagner was in his place, which I suspect may become a common theme for the special guest performers. Not that it's a bad performance, it's highly energetic but best watched with the volume muted.

Ads, during which time the stage crew are likely mopping up pools of sweat from the stage.

We're treated to the usual charade of the judges being asked who they liked the most aside from their own acts. Louis likes Aiden (I bet he does), Dannii and Chezza liked Mary (it's a rarity for Cheryl to actually answer this question, usually she prefers to umm and ahh before finally settling on an "I reuhhly canna decieeede"), and Cowell likes the mighty Wagner! Perhaps unironically!

Joe McElderberry time and it's hilarious from the start. Remember those captions? The first one is "HE WAS A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS" and I'm in stitches already. From there it's onwards to "HE HAD A DREAM" and, just in case you weren't sure about the resolution to said dream the next is "AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE". Disappointingly, that's it.

I have no clue what he's singing but for the first line at least he sounds disconcertingly like Kate Bush for the first vocal line before reverting to more familiar (read: dull) Joe tones. It's not a ballad, which is surprising, and I'm surprised by its apparent catchiness but ultimately not surprised when I find that I can't remember anything about it after the show ends. Once again, this would be so much better with Wagner performing.

Dermot picks him up after the event but before I can scream "POWERSLAM HIM!" he puts him down again. More ads.

Lines are closed, results are in. I call an FYD/John/Belle Amie bottom three, the two friends I'm watching with call FYD/Storm/Katie and FYD/John/Nicolo, all with the former two being eliminated.

Dermot is a little less ceremonious than usual, which is understandable I suppose given that he has so many names to get through. John is one of the first names announced, which kills my prediction and when Belle Amie are annouced not long thereafter I begin regretting trying to predict how the notoriously unpredictable voting public will behave, especially with 16 acts on offer. FYD, Katie, Nicolo and Paije are the last four left, and while I'm sure that even if the worst were to happen the judges' vote would save Paije I'm relieved when his name is the last to be called.

Dermot then announces that the act with the least votes will be leaving immediately, which seems a little perturbing seeing as this was never mentioned previously, and hilariously it's Prince Smug himself, Nicolo who is the victim of the most unceremonious exit in XF history. Katie would have been even funnier but this will suffice.

The bad news is that now we have to listen to FYD and Katie sing again. FYD are first up (again!) and are singing Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music", which is ironic as I for one can't wait for it to end because it's every bit as dull as their performance last night.

Cheryl gets drowned out by "FYD" chants from the audience while trying to introduce Katie. She is not amused (but more importantly I am). It's not taken her long to see sense and abandon the Gaga-lite gimmick - she looks relatively normal this evening and is singing the classic "Don't Let Me Down". It's far more suited to her than "We Are The Champions" was, and if the sing-off actually counts and decisions are made by the judges solely from it then she will be safe because it's a million light years better than both she was last night and FYD were a couple of minutes ago. It's still not what anybody with functioning ears would describe as "good", but it's tolerable. She will get more and more dull as the weeks go by and her Gaga Jr act inevitably gets dropped permanently and she descends into her role as "nondescript ballad girl", though.

Over to the judges! Simon saves FYD of course, although he can't resist throwing a compliment in Saint Katie's direction, which is unsettling, especially as his "That was great guys" to FYD came across as convincingly as Comical Ali's reassurances that the American forces had been dealt with and Iraq had won the war. Chezza saves Katie of course. As soon as Dannii says she's going to make a decision based on the sing-off performances it's clear she's saving Katie, and she does. Over to Louis, and after Dermot spends a while talking to him like one would talk to a senile resident of an old people's home ("NOW REMEMBER LOUIS DEAR, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR WHO YOU WANT TO SEND HOME! AND I NEED YOU TO VOTE NOW DEARIE AND DON'T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR PILLS") he settles on "doing the right thing" (what does this even mean? Have there been occasions where he's intentionally done the "wrong thing" on the sho... wait don't answer that) and ditching FYD, meaning that Katie lives to annoy us all another day.

Judging from their brief interview they know full well they were screwed by the choreography and opening slot, and more power to them for saying so. That doesn't mean they weren't terminally dull, though. Oh, now Dermot is interviewing Simon, who delivers the line "(last night) I had no idea who was going to go home" even less convincingly than the "That was great" line. Fantastic.

So it's farewell to FYD and Uncle Festa, and hello next week to Diana Vickers (or "Vitchers" as Dermot pronounced it for some reason) and Katy Perry! Until then I'm going to entertain myself with mental images of Wagner performing Hot 'n Cold.

Live Show 1 - October 9 2010 (part 3)

We're slowly entering the home straight now, and Cheryl introduces Katie. You don't need me to tell you that her contributions to the show to date consist of forgetting lyrics and crying, which apparently translates to "She has potential" with Chezza. Just to show how down to earth she is there are brief segments of her with her mum and dad and at work as a receptionist in a hair salon (which from her attire seems to have a "sexually confused biker" dress code. Shockingly she too is "nervous" (which should her performance be bad I'm going to start assuming is code for "will perform awfully").

She is wearing a costume that is impossible to do justice to in words but I shall try. It appears to be part Ziggy Stardust, part Judge Dredd and part Native Indian headdress. Oh, and she's fake-playing a keyboard too, which is apparently being propped up by the heads of two half-naked men while a handful of men in dark suits watch on from either side. The ridiculous ensemble has absolutely nothing to do with the song she's singing ("We are the Champions", hilariously enough), and it reeks of someone assigning random gimmicks to numbers on a roulette wheel then spinning it half a dozen times.

The absurdity of it all would be bearable if she actually sang decently, but it's a horribly languid and dull performance of an atroicious song choice. The recipe for getting votes in XF, at least early on, is likeability + entertainment value + performance quality (with of course the hidden "how much the powers that be pimp you" modifier), and the only slight mark she gets in any of those is attributable to the morbid curiosity of what on earth she will be wearing next week some people might have. Still, having said all that she'll probably avoid the bottom two on account of actually being memorable, even though it's memorable for all the wrong reasons. What's even worse is I bet the judges will praise this nonsense too.

Oooh, Louis is pretty scathing! He originally thought she was style-over-substance and she hasn't changed his mind, apparently. Dannii thought it was vocally "fierce", whatever that means. I sometimes describe perticularly pungent turds that I drop as "fierce", so I can only assume she meant that her vocals reeked, were nauseating, and may clog up the toilet. Simon likes what she's wearing because it's "different". He likes people who are original and don't try to look like anyone else. It's left to Cheryl to shatter any illusion that she is original by basically admitting that she's a Lady Gaga clone. So Katie is completely fresh and original but also blatantly copying someone else's style and mannerisms at the same time. Everything clear? Good!

Oh, and now is apparently a good time for Cheryl's "Why I am a good person really and not a horrible racist I mean come on I married a black guy after all" soliloquy. Disappointingly it's only two sentences long and frightfully boring when contrasted with Simon's famous Jedward soliloquy last year.

Over to Louis, who introduces "Mary, from Dublin, IRELAND". In case you didn't know Maryfromdublinireland works on the tills in Tesco and OH MY, IT'S SURPRISE LARYNGITIS SOB STORY TIME (finish your drink)! Unlike the Cher laryngitis thing last week this is actually bearable seeing as Maryfromdublinireland is just going to say to hell with it and sing.

And sing she does. She's singing "It's a Man's World" and absolutely nailing it. This is many, many times better than anything she's sung in previous weeks and actually makes me at least temporarily forget about the whole Tesco gimmick. If this is what she sounds like with laryngitis then she's going to blow the roof off the studio when she's back to 100% (though I suspect the laryngitis thing like everything in this show was exaggerated for 'dramatic effect').

It's taken about an hour and a half but Mary finally provides us with our first tears of the night (finish your drink), although it's more endearing than anything else as it comes across as a genuine reaction to the remarkable ovation she received. The judges predictably loved it, although Simon's branding of her as a "trier" probably didn't come across as the compliment it was intended to be, although he does supplement this by telling her she "nailed it 110%" (take a drink).

Over to Dannii, and "the one you've all been waiting for" Nicolo "Uncle" Festa (Earth to Dannii, precisely no viewers have been eagerly waiting for Nicolo). He's right up there with Aiden in the "most punchable face" competition, and the fact that while Aiden seems relatively normal Uncle Festa seems like a giant douchebag probably clinches him the award. It's the only thing he'll be winning on XF this year, anyway.

Oh, he's the first one this year to "go there" and cover Lady G. He's singing "Just Dance". While Katie managed to look stupid by wearing about a dozen stupid things, Nicolo appears to be going for the minimalist moronic look - all it takes for him to look like a drooling idiot is a pair of 'wacky' sunglasses and a Bobby Charlton combover. It's not an awful performance in the same way that Katie's was but there are exactly no redeeming features to be found, either in the performance or with Uncle Festa in general.

Nicolo is apparently Louis' cup of tea, which given that he looks like a gay German waiter (sunglasses aside) is wholly unsurprising. He "made it his own" (drink), which is news to me seeing as it sounded like a bad karaoke singalong from where I was standing. Chezza needs to stop apologizing for not liking a performance (especially when it's shit). She's starting to sound stoned again, wittering on about connections and eyes complete with sinister two-fingered hand gestures. Simon quite liked it and thought he looked better than he sounded (chortle). Dannii thinks that people shouldn't be saying he's a diva like it's a bad thing, which prompts Louis' unfunny joke of the week.

The thing about Louis Walsh is that when he makes a bad joke, he makes it in style. There's something about the build-up, you can just here him saying silently to the audience "Wait for it, the hilarious punchline that will make you roll around in hysterical laughing fits is just around the corner" before delivering his knockout blow (to what little remains of his credibility, that is). In this case, his hilarious joke is "I agree" (with Dannii, that 'diva' shouldn't be used so negatively), before following up with winkwinknudgenudgeherecomesthehilariouspunchlineareyouready "I'm working with three". I'm ashamed to say I laughed, though in my defense it was the total silence that followed his 'joke' that made me laugh as opposed to the actual 'joke' itself.

Apparently according to Cheryl the audience need to know someone well before they start putting on a huge facade of an image, which coming from the woman who cleared Katie to wear... well, whatever she was wearing is wonderfully hypocritical. I think Nicolo realizes he looks like a prize tosser and tries his hardest to get off stage before Dermot drags him back so he can read his number (for what it's worth seeing as nobody will be dialling it).

One Direction and Wagner after the break!

Over to Simon and "It's One Direction" *cue shrieking in the studio audience*. At least unlike Simon's other manufactured group these guys have Spice Girls-esque personas! There's, umm, Curly Spice with the curly hair, Refused-to-Dance Spice who, umm, refused to dance. Irish Spice who is Irish and of course Sea Urchin Spice (who may or may not also be Curly, Refused-to-Dance or Irish Spice, I can't remember). And then there's Other Spice, who is the other one (or two).

Simon informs us we "Wouldn't normally connect the band with this song", and if I could think of a suitably funny song to suggest at this point I would, but alas my mind fails me. Refused-to-Dance Spice gets wheeled out for "I screwed up in practice oh god I hope I don't screw up in the actual performance" duty. They're actually singing "Viva La Vida" and it quickly becomes obvious that the "One Direction" is meandering slowly and boringly sideways. One of them can sort-of-sing, the rest are awful, although the harmonies are a little more together than Belle Amie's were.

Of course as we all know, it doesn't matter a jot how well or badly they sing because the 'tweens' will love them, as will the judges because five times the number of 16/17 year old kids on stage means five times the risk of a mental breakdown if they get scathing criticism from anyone. Louis of course liked them but isn't a fan of their style (Louis Walsh not liking your dress sense is a wonderful compliment in truth), and everyone else has predictably boring platitudes. Dermot gets his 93rd cheap dig at Louis in when he questions how he knows what 18-year olds should be wearing (seriously, coming from someone who isn't exactly Louis' #1 fan it's still getting old Dermy, can it and concentrate on presenting objectively like you're paid to do).

Make that 94 as Dermot asks "style guru" Louis Walsh to introduce his last act. It's Wagner, and frankly I can hardly wait. "Having a second chance is like being resurrected from the dead" says the guy who definitely has a Mexican-Jesus feel about him (yes I know he's not actually Mexican). He's apparently having trouble remembering his lyrics, and as Chezza helpfully informs us "Forgetting the lyrics is the worst thing you can do (except when you're in my category and want to get through to the live shows)". He's introduced by voiceover man as just "Wagner", so apparently he doesn't have a surname. I get the feeling the quirkiness isn't going to end there.

He's singing the ultimate cheese-fest that is "She Bangs" and it's hard to describe why it's absolutely hilarious, but it is. There's something in the way Wagner urgently looks around after every other line or so as if to say "Where the heck am I?" that's just tear-inducingly funny. Umm, are those bongos? How, pray tell, are bongos going to be incorporated into "She Bangs"? What's that you say - they're not? They're instead going to be used as a transistion from "She Bangs" to the equally fantastically cheesy "Love Shack"? Why, I think I've died and gone to hilarious heaven!

Again it's hard to place exactly why it's so funny. There's something about the way he sings the words "Love Shack" that is just innately hilarious, especially when complemented at the end by his small troupe of dancers rubbing their boobs provocatively while he stands there with the ultimate embodiment of the shit-eating grin on his face. Wagner is basically going to be this year's prime comedy option and I for one am on board - he seems actually funny and genuinely quirky and deranged as opposed to the pseudo-dumb act we got last year from you-know-who.

The judges have broken the fourth wall and are doing exactly what I think every viewer in the country is doing - just sitting, dumbstruck, unable to collect their thoughts and form coherent sentences. "Wagner..." offers Dannii with an intense yet ultimately blank stare, "...a medley..... with a bongo". I'm not sure whether to end that quote with a question mark, an exclamation mark, both or neither, and Dannii wasn't sure either. Cheryl describes him as "Earthy" (I don't know either) and Simon uses some kind of milkshake involving onions analogy. You heard it here first folks, Wagner has the power to melt brain cells. Simon sums up the general mood as he utters, arms spread wide, "Embrace the madness".

Oh, and apparently it's pronounced "Vaah-guh-nerr", according to the man himself. So there you go.

Ad time, with only Aiden and TrayC to come!

Dannii introduces Aiden, who is at least self-aware enough to know that he comes across as "awkward". He's singing "Mad World" while perched atop a throne made up of chains or something. To anyone who doesn't know the song he would come across as looking psychotic and deranged because, well, that's what he looks like, but it works within the confines of the song because that's the point of it (as I had to point out to a few friends). Visually he treads the line between "wonderfully emotive" and "a little forced", but comes out largely on the good side. Vocally he's solid too, although it's hard not to compare it to the vocally wonderful Gary Jules and Adam Lambert versions (the original was good too but hardly vocally phenomenal), and he verges into flat-out impersonating Gary Jules in places. All in all though, a good night for Aiden, concluded by all four judges enveloping him with praise and him finding it a little difficult to switch out of psychotic character for his little tete-a-tete with Dermot.

Over to Cheryl now for the last act of the night, and in the 'pimp' slot it's the woman who can't spell her name properly, TreyC! Ooh, controversy in the VT - apparently Katie and Cher weren't very welcoming! Well, colour me shocked and appalled!

Three things become quickly apparent. One, she's singing, err, "One" by U2. Two, she has an enormous arse and three, it's hilarious how much better than at least two of the girls who got into Chezza's original three she is. It's a powerful, emotive performance that's just different enough from the original to make me not mind that much if one of the judges were to use the "You made it your own" cliché. Simon says it was the best vocal of the entire competition by a country mile, which is stretching it though. Meanwhile Cheryl feels "lucky" and it's not just because she's made millions of pounds despite having no discernible talent.

And so the first live show winds down, but not before Dermy drops the bombshell after a highlights reel that tomorrow night there will be a bottom three and two acts will be going home. My money's on FYD and John. Oh wait, what's that, Joe McElderberry will be performing? I'll be changing my prediction to FYD and Joe, then.