"Will your favourite stay in? With some flashing images (hopefully not Wagner), it's the X Factor".
LAST WEEK!
SONGS WERE SUNG!
MOSTLY BADLY!
CLICHES WERE WHEELED OUT!
AND THAT FOREIGN GUY WHO ISN'T WAGNER AND SOME CRAP GROUP WHO WEREN'T ANY OF THE OTHER GROUPS ALL OF WHO ARE CRAP WERE ELIMINATED!
THIS WEEK!
WHY IS MARY SINGING INTO A WATER BOTTLE?
WILL THERE BE MORE WAGNER-INSPIRED TITTY RUBBING?
THESE QUESTIONS MAY OR MAY NOT BE ANSWERED!
TONIGHT!
Dermot introduces things by ominously announcing that "If you thought last week was good (no) just wait for tonight!"
I'm waiting. Can we cut the waffle and get on with it please?
The judges come out to the superman theme, perhaps in tribute to their superhuman abilities in somehow managing to keep this increasingly stale show popular. Dermot intorduces "ray of sunshine" Louis Walsh (take a drink, Dermot's thinly-veiled insulting of Louis is now a bona-fide addition to the X Factor drinking game).
Oh, and the theme is "musical heroes", so you can probably expect songs from B*Witched, 5ive and Mr Blobby.
First up, it's Storm! Seeing as there's a crossover with Strictly this week the first slot isn't just the death spot, it's more the death-followed-by-a-painful-weekend-in-hell spot. Cheryl tells Storm to "just stand there and sing" in the VT. No comment.
Storm emerges on stage and there's a motorcycle! And pyrotechnics! And he's singing! Very badly! It's Springsteen's "Born to Run (out of the competition tomorrow night)" and it's awful. It's tuneless, and when it isn't tuneless it's out of tune, and when it isn't out of tune it's just boring.
Cheryl tells him she's not sure that this is him (drink), and that she'd rather see him just singing without the gimmickry. It's a shame that Cher hasn't gone before Storm so I can point out what a giant hypocritical cow she is, but c'est la vie. Besides Chezza dear, he changed his bloody name to Storm, I'm pretty sure he's not averse to a little bit of gimmickry. Simon calls him "a singing fly (flying all the way out of the door tomorrow night)" and you can tell Louis has been up all night thinking of 'clever' things to say. "Born To Run? You were born to sing!". And you were born to irritate, Louis.
Ads. The first of many.
Cheryl is barely audible introducing TreyC (Tracey) over the caterwauling in the audience who again sound like a large electric current is being passed through their seats at random intervals. Disappointingly we get few shots of her impossibly enormous arse as she wails through Prince's "Purple Rain". It's all fairly pleasant but only emphasizes the problem that I thought I might have with TreyC (Tracey) since week 1 - she has a volume control that goes from 1 to 11 but has absolutely nothing in between. The judges will love it though.
Someone compares her to Tina Turner (what), and fashion expert Simon Cowell proceeds to tell her she looks great before rambling on about how she doesn't look great. Wagner hasn't even been on yet and already Cowell's brain appears to be melting.
Again Dannii introducing Paije is barely audible. At this point it's become fairly obvious that this week's theme is actually "Childhood stories". If you're watching the show now, just skip all the VTs and insert "I've always loved singing since I was 3 years old and have always dreamed of this blah blah blah" intermittently. Oh, and Paije is also singing into a water bottle. Apparently he's having trouble breathing, so he begins his performance sitting down. It's very different from TreyC in that he finds the middle-ground between understated and blaring very well, and he's as soulful as ever, but it sounds like he was having trouble breathing because he has a cold - it's a terribly nasal performance of a song I don't recognize.
Resident dance expert Simon has no problem with the performance but apparently has an issue with the dancers seeming out-of-place. Hey, if that Alesha Dixon chick can get on the judging panel for Strictly, maybe Simon can too if he keeps this up.
One DirectioAUDIENCESHRIEEEEEEEEEEEK next. Oh no! Curly Spice has stage fright despite the fact it's at least a day before the show! Cue sob story!
Now they're on stage! Cue inane grinning at each other! Cue awful singing! Now last week I said their harmonies actually sounded pretty decent but this week I'm sure someone in the audio room has been playing with them because there's no way that five awful singers can combine into anything remotely resembling a tuneful harmony. Plus there's blaring disco backing in the chorus that only seems to serve as a distraction. But that's not my main issue with their performance. They're singing, in "musical heroes" week, a bloody Kelly Clarkson song. Yes that's right folks, forget Elvis, The Beatles, The Stones. Heck, forget bands like Oasis or even Take That who might just about be an acceptable choice for a group of 17-year olds, they're ****ing singing Kelly Clarkson. WHO'S MUSICAL HERO IS SHE EXACTLY COWELL YOU GIANT HEAP OF TURD?
Louis says "You seem to be having fun on stage", which as we learnt last week is Walshese for "You were shit but I can't actually say that because Simon will hit me". Respect points for Louis as he calls Cowell out on the Clarkson nonsense though, and Saint Simon's only real response is to have a dig at Louis for being bitchy, which is kind of like Hitler having a go at someone in the street for looking at some Jews funnily. Dannii refers to them as "five heart-throbs", which causes one of them to fist-pump hilariously. That's right, aim for the stars little guy, it doesn't matter if you can't sing, as long as Dannii Monogue thinks you're a little heart-throb that's all that truly matters.
My contempt for these guys who are in all truth probably just normal teenage boys grows wih every passing week.
Ads. Cher and John to come.
"Wey aaahll want tew see this perfarrmanse, it's Chair!" No Cheryl dear, no we don't. Oooh Cher is a wicked witch! Oh and there's also a picture of her in a pointy black hat and robe with a cauldron at age 15! Oh yeah, and she's "created" another song. You can almost hear the sound of millions of lawyers simultaneously switching over to ITV1.
I don't know what she's wearing, but I do know that I could use some of those sunglasses they gave to the Chilean miners last week. Anyway... I don't know what on earth she's singin... OH GOD "IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE"!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The funniest thing is it sounded better with the little kid singing it. I thought she was decent last week but this is reaching new levels of bad. She can't sing (even the insanely loud backing in the chorus can't disguise it), she can't rap, she can't really do much of anything. Let me guess, the judges will love it.
Kudos to Dannii who says it seemed uncertain, but Cowell is in prime form, telling her she "Could sing from the phone book". Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, maybe next week?
"AARON A AARONSEN, RING-A-DING DING"
"AARON B AARONSEN, RING-A-DING DING"
"AARON C AARONSEN, BRRRRAAAAAAPP BRRRRRAAAAAAAAPP"
Yawn Adeleye next. He seems to be this week's Wagner in so much as his surname has been pronounced half a dozen different ways so far.
John makes a pretty good job of "A (boring) Song For You" by Donny Hathaway, but it's, umm, a boring song. Dermot asks the pertinent question, "WHO IS THE REAL JOHN???" as if this were some sort of murder mystery programme. Hint: JUST BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD HALF A DOZEN DIFFERENT SOB STORIES AND STAGE GIMMICKS THROWN AT HIM DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE 'REAL' JOHN IS YOU SNIVELLING IDIOT O'LEARY.
Dive Fever next. "Singing has always been an important part of our lives", one of them declares. Apparently not tonight though, as they plough through some terrible song or other while managing to sing for all of about 5 seconds of the 2 minutes they were on stage. The words "Barbra Streisand" appear on screen behind them and I for one find myself praying that South Park's Mecha Barbra Streisand makes an appearance and sorts these idiots out.
On further investigation I discover that the song is "Barbra Streisand" by "Duck Sauce". I have no idea who the hell that is, but to be honest I feel I'm going to get a little burnt out on insulting the whole "musical heroes" theme, so I'll let it pass for now.
Chezza - "You look like you were having the time of your lives". It appears that Walshese is catching.
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