I don't want to make a habit of sprawling three-part updates, but unfortunately that's what happens when I'm in and out of the house and have a sprawling two-and-a-half-hour show to tackle! I could have dedicated a dozen paragraphs to Wagner alone, so actually you're kind of lucky.
Anyway LAST NIGHT! SOME PEOPLE! SANG SOME SONGS! AND YOU GOT! TO VOTE! AND NOW! IT'S! TIME! FOR! THE! RESULTS!
But not before we have to endure special guest performances from Usher and that guy who won last year, I think his name was Jim? Cue judges intros, and it's nice to see Dannii looking a little more normal than last night, although Chezza still seems to be going with the 'chav funeral chic' look.
Oh joy, it's time for the absurd group performance! They're usually terrible enough as it is but with upward of a couple of dozen people on stage vying for attention while miming horribly this is going to be madness. They're singing "The Rhythm of the Night" - the girls trot out first dressed surprisingly normally and while there's a short moment while Cher and TreyC face and sing at (definitely at, not to) each other when I worry that we might have our first ever X Factor live show headbutt on stage, it's all suitably boring. It's impossible to determine a standout when there are 16 acts on stage and they're miming but I do catch a glimpse of Paije with that "I'm just genuinely delighted to be here and have no agenda, no dark secrets and no sense of entitlement" smile on his face and I can't help but momentarily want him to win (even though he has no chance of doing so).
Cue a (literally) 5 minute long highlights reel.
And cue Usher! As the little VT plays with captions such as "OVER 40 MILLION RECORDS SOLD WORLDWIDE", "WINNER OF 5 GRAMMY AWARDS" and "FOUR UK NUMBER ONES" I can't help but wonder what captions they're going to use for Joe McElderry. "FIRST X FACTOR WINNER NOT TO GET XMAS NUMBER 1", "IS A FAN OF ITALIAN FOOD" and "LOVES HIS MUM" don't quite have the same ring to them.
From the moment Usher descends onto stage via the ceiling even if you'd had no exposure to him before you would instantly know it's going to be all about the performance, with singing being almost an afterthought - and so it proves. Frankly I can't help but think about how much more I'd be enjoying whatever it is he is dancing/singing if Wagner was in his place, which I suspect may become a common theme for the special guest performers. Not that it's a bad performance, it's highly energetic but best watched with the volume muted.
Ads, during which time the stage crew are likely mopping up pools of sweat from the stage.
We're treated to the usual charade of the judges being asked who they liked the most aside from their own acts. Louis likes Aiden (I bet he does), Dannii and Chezza liked Mary (it's a rarity for Cheryl to actually answer this question, usually she prefers to umm and ahh before finally settling on an "I reuhhly canna decieeede"), and Cowell likes the mighty Wagner! Perhaps unironically!
Joe McElderberry time and it's hilarious from the start. Remember those captions? The first one is "HE WAS A BOY FROM SOUTH SHIELDS" and I'm in stitches already. From there it's onwards to "HE HAD A DREAM" and, just in case you weren't sure about the resolution to said dream the next is "AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE". Disappointingly, that's it.
I have no clue what he's singing but for the first line at least he sounds disconcertingly like Kate Bush for the first vocal line before reverting to more familiar (read: dull) Joe tones. It's not a ballad, which is surprising, and I'm surprised by its apparent catchiness but ultimately not surprised when I find that I can't remember anything about it after the show ends. Once again, this would be so much better with Wagner performing.
Dermot picks him up after the event but before I can scream "POWERSLAM HIM!" he puts him down again. More ads.
Lines are closed, results are in. I call an FYD/John/Belle Amie bottom three, the two friends I'm watching with call FYD/Storm/Katie and FYD/John/Nicolo, all with the former two being eliminated.
Dermot is a little less ceremonious than usual, which is understandable I suppose given that he has so many names to get through. John is one of the first names announced, which kills my prediction and when Belle Amie are annouced not long thereafter I begin regretting trying to predict how the notoriously unpredictable voting public will behave, especially with 16 acts on offer. FYD, Katie, Nicolo and Paije are the last four left, and while I'm sure that even if the worst were to happen the judges' vote would save Paije I'm relieved when his name is the last to be called.
Dermot then announces that the act with the least votes will be leaving immediately, which seems a little perturbing seeing as this was never mentioned previously, and hilariously it's Prince Smug himself, Nicolo who is the victim of the most unceremonious exit in XF history. Katie would have been even funnier but this will suffice.
The bad news is that now we have to listen to FYD and Katie sing again. FYD are first up (again!) and are singing Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music", which is ironic as I for one can't wait for it to end because it's every bit as dull as their performance last night.
Cheryl gets drowned out by "FYD" chants from the audience while trying to introduce Katie. She is not amused (but more importantly I am). It's not taken her long to see sense and abandon the Gaga-lite gimmick - she looks relatively normal this evening and is singing the classic "Don't Let Me Down". It's far more suited to her than "We Are The Champions" was, and if the sing-off actually counts and decisions are made by the judges solely from it then she will be safe because it's a million light years better than both she was last night and FYD were a couple of minutes ago. It's still not what anybody with functioning ears would describe as "good", but it's tolerable. She will get more and more dull as the weeks go by and her Gaga Jr act inevitably gets dropped permanently and she descends into her role as "nondescript ballad girl", though.
Over to the judges! Simon saves FYD of course, although he can't resist throwing a compliment in Saint Katie's direction, which is unsettling, especially as his "That was great guys" to FYD came across as convincingly as Comical Ali's reassurances that the American forces had been dealt with and Iraq had won the war. Chezza saves Katie of course. As soon as Dannii says she's going to make a decision based on the sing-off performances it's clear she's saving Katie, and she does. Over to Louis, and after Dermot spends a while talking to him like one would talk to a senile resident of an old people's home ("NOW REMEMBER LOUIS DEAR, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR WHO YOU WANT TO SEND HOME! AND I NEED YOU TO VOTE NOW DEARIE AND DON'T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR PILLS") he settles on "doing the right thing" (what does this even mean? Have there been occasions where he's intentionally done the "wrong thing" on the sho... wait don't answer that) and ditching FYD, meaning that Katie lives to annoy us all another day.
Judging from their brief interview they know full well they were screwed by the choreography and opening slot, and more power to them for saying so. That doesn't mean they weren't terminally dull, though. Oh, now Dermot is interviewing Simon, who delivers the line "(last night) I had no idea who was going to go home" even less convincingly than the "That was great" line. Fantastic.
So it's farewell to FYD and Uncle Festa, and hello next week to Diana Vickers (or "Vitchers" as Dermot pronounced it for some reason) and Katy Perry! Until then I'm going to entertain myself with mental images of Wagner performing Hot 'n Cold.
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