"With TreyC I know she's got the voice but I'm waiting for her to prove she's a pop star"
Uh-oh, more cocaine-snorting training next week, methinks.
Yes we're back, and it's time for Tracey, who wants to show us she's "More than just a little girl with a big voice". The outfit she struts out onto stage in goes some way to helping - with what looks like plumed shoulder pads she looks more like a transvestite American Footballer (with a big voice). She's singing Led Zeppelin - in guilty pleasures week no less. I'm quite certain song choices won't get more nonsensical than this. Yes evidently Cheryl, who is probably pushing on 30 years old still apparently has that mentality that most children grow out of at some point in their teens where any music that either of their parents listen to is automatically incredibly uncool and should not be listened to ever by anyone.
Wait, there are dancers wearing American Football helmets which makes me think that whoever is responsible for the God-awful outfits we've seen tonight knew full well what he was making Tracey look like with those bizarre shoulder pads. Anyway, it's a decent performance, but something about it just doesn't 'fit'. She still has no mid-range and bellows from start to finish, too. Given the bizarre song choice (not only given that it's guilty pleasures week) she could be a surprise 'eviction' on Sunday night.
I bet Simon is regretting ever bringing Elton John up as Louis seems to have taken it as carte blanche to refer to him after every subsequent performance. More sales for Mr. John! Simon doesn't think she nailed the big notes - given the way she sung the song the 'big notes' would be all of them, so that's really rather damning. Oh, quote of the night material from Simon right here, "You've literally transformed into a different person". Literally. "Despite you not being well you haven't moaned and groaned" says Cheryl, who is on that Piers Morgan show immediately afterwards moaning and groaning about malaria for half an hour.
Judging from Dermot's 'interview' with Tracey we should be considering adding use of the word "Diva" to the X Factor drinking game as well. "You don't fit in here if you don't complain" mutters O'Leary sarcastically. I urge Tracey to reply, "Well okay then, you're an ugly smug tosser who can't present to save his life", but alas I am disappointed.
Up next it's THE PRIDE OF IRELAND (marybyrne)! She had trouble in rehearsals and is reverting to her original audition song. Now, I'm no expert on these things, but when you're having to recycle songs and it's only week 3, you're in a little spot of trouble, no? Dannii says in the VT that singing her audition song is a "Very brave thing to do". Umm, care to justify that dear? No, I didn't think so.
Mary is dressed in black, standing behind a microphone, waving her arms about occasionally. If you look carefully you can pinpoint the exact moment that Mary falls from the peak and her slippery descent down Mount X Factor's unforgiving slopes begins. She still sings well, but it's all starting to get very old and repetitive. Week 3 is when these things start to become readily apparent and as such is possibly the worst time she could have picked to recycle her audition song. She may well be this year's 'shock' week 5 exit at this rate.
"You represent REAL women with REAL life experience" bleats Chezza meaninglessly as I half expect her to chain herself to some railings somewhere. "You deliver every single time". That's the Royal Mail Cheryl, not Tesco. Sharp minds that they are, Dannii and Simon at least are starting to pick up on the repetitiveness of it all, insisting that she should do something more current in the future.
Ads, then over to Dannii to introduce "The gorgeous Aiden Grimshaw". I'm not sure where the 'gorgeous' comes from given that he looks and moves around on stage like Hermann Munster. Oh wow, he's on a platform and the chains are back! They're doing their best to portray him as some kind of psychopath and completely alienate him from the voting public, but to be fair Aiden himself isn't exactly helping matters. He's singing "Diamonds Are Forever" and it's every bit as wayward, out of tune and devoid of personality (unless "psycho" counts as a desirable trait in a singer) as last week.
Walsh - "I loved you week one, I loved you week two, I love you week three! Please sleep with me!". Okay, maybe I made the last bit up. "You tick every single box" - DRINK. You can tell Cheryl didn't like it but in order to appease Sir Cowell instead of launching into a full-on tirade she just waffles for a while about "intensity". This doesn't stop Cowell from disagreeing with her - he's "Back in the game" (DRINK).
Now it's time for undisputably the best part of any Aiden performance, the horrifying interview with Dermot! Aiden throws in a horribly unconvincing "Woo!" to show he is not a deranged serial killer but just a normal guy, then hilariously when Dermot asks him about being intense he replies in the 'I haven't planned to do this all week honest' moment of the show "I can bust a move too though", while doing a comical little grandad-dance. Magnificent - if he keeps this up he'll soon be rivalling Wagner in the comedy stakes.
After the break, Belle Amie (hands up who'd forgotten they existed?) and Wagner (hands up who's been suffering through all this crap just for him?)!
Cue Belle Amie, and cue your bog-standard "WAAAH we were in the bottom three" VT. Oh, they've changed their song and you can tell from the snippet of him in the VT that Cowell is not pleased at them for doing so. According to Nondescript Spice #2, the new song shows off all their individual voices. Uh-oh, even Nondescript Spice #4, the blonde one who can't sing and just stands there and looks 'pretty'? Cheryl - "If you're going to choose your own song what's the point in having a mentor?". Sometimes Chezza dear you make it far, far too easy.
They're hilariously sitting on a brightly lit bench, which makes it seem like light is shining out of their arses or something. That's quite a contrast to the dull tones that are coming out of their mouths. It's "I'll Stand By You", and in honour of Cheryl weekend they're doing a karaoke copy of the Girls Aloud version. The funny thing is they're not as awful as Simon's other group but they have no chance of getting past the next couple of weeks. Such is the power of the tween.
Oh Louis. Even when you're making a perfectly good and true point you have a way of delivering it that just makes me (and indeed everyone) want to disagree with you. The gist of what he's saying is that Simon doesn't care about the girls because he's putting all his efforts into One Direction (I bet Louis would like to put all his efforts into them too). Cheryl felt like she "Wanted to be up there singing with you". Well Chezza now that Nondescript Spice #4 is actually singing they need a new member who can't sing to just stand there and look pretty, so you'd be a perfect fit.
It's Wagner time! I've read song spoilers before watching the show so I know what's coming, and I'm in hysterics just thinking about it. He too went shopping, although I'm a little curious as to what he might have bought from Topshop.
He's singing "Spice Up Your Life" and it's every bit as awful as you might expect. Even by Wagner standards it's tuneless and his timing is awful. But of course, that's not why we watch Wagner. No, instead it's his hilarious dancing and wonderful facial expressions as he ogles the half-naked girls dancing around him that win the day as usual. And now, to top it all off, he's transitioning into "Livin' La Vida Loca", which is like taking a four cheese pizza and, well, adding more cheese. Now there are male dancers joining the fray too and they and the girls are kneeling before Lord Wagner, praising his awesomeness. After the John Adeleye dancers incident, Louis is obviously keen to show he knows how to make copulating dancers actually fit in with a song and performance.
But the best is saved for last. As the song closes the dancers line up with their backs to stage and two of them, ahem, 'expose' themselves to Wagner, who's face is adorned with the most fantastic 'caught on camera' look that has ever been seen. Cheryl looks aghast, as Simon next to her grins and all four judges have trouble collecting and expressing their thoughts. If Paije arrived at a Butlins in Milton Keynes earlier on, Wagner has arrived at the pearly gates and is being invited in with open arms and exposed breasts aplenty.
After the break and last to perform (but there's no favoritism here, got it?) it's Katie! I've read song spoilers for her too and I can hardly wait.
The problem with Katie is the powers that be can try all the image makeovers in existence, but they won't work. They've tried gimmicky Gaga Katie, gimmickless Katie, and now they're trying 'fun' Katie. The problem is that the public has an image of vacuous self-absorbed cow who already had a record deal and was 'in bed' with the powers that be (perhaps literally, perhaps not) Katie firmly imprinted in their minds, and that's not going to be shifted easily. To be fair to her she's doing a far better job of the whole 'meek and humble' thing in her VT than Cher did - spouting out how grateful she is to be here and how thankful she is and blah blah blah, but that sort of think didn't work for Danyl last year and it won't work for Katie this time - the damage is already done.
With Gaga-Jr and "The Real Katie" having failed, now she's channelling Marilyn Monroe and singing "I Wanna Be Like You-u-u". Yes, that's right and not a typo, she's singing that song from the Jungle Book. The really weird thing is it's not absolutely terrible and nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although given that after reading the song spoiler I expected a portal to Hell to emerge mid-performance and Satan himself to appear bellowing "SO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET OF MAN'S RED FIRE MORTAL?" before setting the studio alight and heralding the onset of the apocalypse, perhaps saying "It's not as bad as I expected" is very, very faint praise.
The real issue is that given that Katie is immediately following Wagner, this just seems like Wagner-lite. There's also something innately comical about her singing "I wanna be like youuu" given her blatant imitation of at least three completely different artists in the past couple of months.
The judges predictably lap what was at best an average performance up. Why they are continually trying to push her I have no idea given that even with all the underhanded help in the world she has no chance of reaching the final, let alone winning. Anyway, Dermot gives her a chance to continue the whole 'meek and humble' act, and VOTING LINES ARE OPEN OH GOD HOW EXCITING.
Recap and close. On Sunday night only one act will leave the competition. Given that up until they were introduced and then from about 2 minutes after their performance I'd forgotten they even existed, I'm going to call Belle Amie leaving, with Paije being saved by t'judges. I hope I'm wrong and somehow Katie leaves because if she carries on like this it is only a matter of time before the gates to Hell really do swing open.
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