TONIGHT!
ONE ACT WILL LEAVE THE COMPETITION!
NOT TWO ACTS LIKE WE ORIGINALLY SAID!
BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE CHANGED THE RULES AT THE LAST MINUTE FOR SOME REASON!
HOW MYSTERIOUS!
Yes, it's results show time! With Bubble and Squeak... err I mean Bublé and Cole!
Here come the judges, and Cheryl appears to be wearing tin foil - hopefully a precursor to someone stuffing her with sage and onion and throwing her into an oven for 90 minutes at gas mark 6.
Oh wonderful, it's group performance time! They're singing "Forget You" (that's right, "Forget You" - definitely not "4-letter word beginning with F You"), and it's as horrifying as always. Highlights include Cher and Paije not being able to mime quickly enough to keep up with their parts, Asian-Spice-Who-Refused-To-Dance from One Direction looking terminally bored and John's hairdo being modified to look more like mushroom cloud than yesterday's plain mushroom.
And here comes the recap. If those dancers in John's performance were so horrible, why take up 90% of his recap video with them? Wait, don't answer that, it should be obvious. In other news TreyC falls into the trap of not being modest and instead saying she did well and is really pleased with herself. I don't normally bother watching these recaps but I'm glad I did when we get to Belle Amie and Louis backstage ranting at the camera about Simon concentrating on the boyband and not caring about the girls just as what looked like Curly Spice from One Direction walks nonchalantly past. Probably an entirely scripted moment, but it was still amusing. The other prime comedy moment was Katie backstage saying "That's who I am.... fun!" as unconvincingly as humanly possible.
"One of the best X Factor's ever", mutters Louis. Face, meet palm.
Here's Bubble! I can't really mock the intro captions for either performer this week, but luckily Bubble is miming hilariously and not even trying to hide it, often holding the mic at arms length as if he's handling a poisonous snake. It reminds me of the time when Muse switched their singer/guitarist and drummer around on TOTP in protest at being forced to mime (at least I think It was Muse and I think it was TOTP, I could be wrong on both counts but someone has definitely done it). Anyway it's all very middle of the road and, well, all very Michael Bublé.
He's apparently broken off his holiday to be here, and judging by his swift responses to Dermot's (admittedly inane) questions he's quite eager to get back to said holiday.
Ads, and lines are closed! Cheryl has disappeared somewhere so we don't get her invaluable input as Dermot asks the judges to pimp some acts.
Here comes Cheryl and, oh my! She appears to have forgotten half of her outfit! Luckily it appears that she is going to attempt to summon a pair of trousers through the power of dance, and she's got a dozen or so guys to help her (seriously, the performance is infinitely more enjoyable if you mute it and imagine it as some Native Indian Trouser Dance). She's certainly not going to try summoning anything through the art of singing - as part of the song appears to be a dance version of the "A-wimoweh" part of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and the rest of it is just nondescript dullness, mimed throughout of course (although given the trouser-summoning dance routine it's hard to criticize her for miming I suppose). Oh, there's the first sighting of blatant autotune in the chorus! She wanders around behind the judges for a while and bizarrely it appears to be Louis who's perving over her the most. I hope this trouser-summoning is done soon, otherwise Louis might end up turning. There's also a fantastic bit towards the end where I can only assume she actually is singing live (presumably in an attempt to mask that the rest was miming although in fact it just emphasizes this more) because it sounds awful.
In all honesty though I'd rather listen to this than Bubble.
Also, I own two Girls Aloud albums.
What? It's still guilty pleasure weekend, right?
Oh here's Dermot copping a feel, too.
Wait, is her album really called "Messy Little Raindrops"?
After the break! The results! Au revoir ma cherie Belle Amie!
Here come the acts and here come the results. I resist the temptation to start chanting "COME ON WAGNER" as if I were at a football match.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER Cher is safe, and suddenly the razor blades look more appealing. Dermy ploghs through the 'safe' acts, with Wagner announced surprisingly early to a mixture of boos and cheers from the audience. Those booers better have a damn good reason ready for when they meet Lord Wagner at the pearly gates. Anyway on we go and... WHAT?! Belle Amie are safe? I suppose one should never underestimate the power of the bounceback vote, especially when coupled with Louis invocation of the sympathy vote to back it up. In one of those fleeting moments of real emotion that reminds me of better times and can't help but force a smile, Simon actually looks even more delighted than the girls do, and I think all involved are surprised. Louis looks horrified.
We're left after all is said and done with Paije, John and TreyC and the realization that the internet will be awash with idiots crying racism in 5 minutes is a little too much to bear. Paije is safe! He has survived the immense screwjob attempt of putting him on first dressed as someone from Butlins! Don't get me wrong, he has no chance of winning but he could be an outside bet to last longer than many might expect given his survival this week. They can't screw him so blatantly again next week can the... wait, don't answer that.
So John and TreyC. Two men (well, one man and one woman) enter, one man (woman) leaves. The screwjob on Paije may have failed but the even more ridiculous one on John (seriously I refuse to believe that even Brian Friedman could have thought those dancers were a good idea) appears to have worked perfectly because there's no chance he's getting through barring some ridiculous deadlock crap a la last series.
Ads, and now here comes John and oh God he knows he's leaving and there's nothing he can do to stop it. When you know you're doomed things can go one of two ways - you can put on an astounding performance and leave with one last hurrah or you can completely fall to pieces and sound awful. John is firmly in the latter camp. He's singing "Because of You", or more accurately "BEEEIIHHEECAAAEEEIIAAUUHHHHSSSHHHEEEE OF YOUUU". Oh and just for good measure when he's not butchering words by adding a few dozen vowels to them he appears to be forgetting them.
TreyC could come on and sing the Postman Pat theme tune and survive to be honest, but she's instead opted for "One Night Only". Again the problems with her switching instantly from min to max volume are apparent and at time she seems like she's trying too hard (even more than usual) and it's shouty in places but it's infinitely better than John.
Louis saves his act and votes to dispose of TreyC of course, Cheryl and Dannii dispatch John, leaving Simon in the postion of power that he loves so much. You can tell he's hiding a giant boner under the desk as he umms and ahhs knowing full well from the start he's going to send John home. And so it proves, "I'm going to send home...John" he declares, as he probably makes some Messy Little Raindrops in his pants.
Farewell Yawn Adeleyeyeyeyeye, we hardly knew ye because ye weren't plastered all over the tabloids every day and weren't given a gimmick by the powers that be (aside from funny hair).
Makes sense that the one week I don't mention John in my predictions to go, he goes.
Until next week, when surely Belle Amie have to be put out of their misery!
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