Oh joy, it's guilty pleasures week!
In an ideal world this would mean Mary professing her love for Metallica, Matt busting a move to some Daft Punk, and Cher revealing she loves Cher (the old one, we've already established she loves herself). In practice however, it's probably going to be another "Sing whatever you bloody want, nobody's going to care" week.
LAST WEEKEND
THE COMPETITION WAS EXPLOSIVE
UNFORTUNATELY NOT LITERALLY EXPLOSIVE
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
YOU KNOW
IF SOMEONE HAD PLANTED A BOMB UNDER CHERYL'S CHAIR
OR CHERYL'S CHER FOR THAT MATTER
Last week Storm and Diva Fever were the unfortunate victims. I say unfortunate not because they can sing, but because they're two of over half a dozen acts left that can't sing, and as such it was just unfortunate that the fickle phone-dialing finger of fate pointed disapprovingly towards them and not in another (one) direction.
IT'S TIME! TO FACE! THE MUSIC! And face it we must, unfortunately.
Before the titles Simon informs us that "The gloves are off". The gloves may be off, but I'm sure the ridiculous costumes will still be on.
Cue judges entrance and Dermot helpfully informing us that the contestant's performances are available to download on iTunes if anyone is feeling particularly masochistic.
If the last performing slot is the 'Pimp Slot' then the first is surely the 'Bitch Slot', and this week the unfortunate victim is Paije. Given that his grandmother passed away this week I half-expected he'd be given at least a decent slot, but then I forgot that this is the X Factor and that sob stories are only cool when the powers that be actually want the contestant to do well. Indeed, his grandmother's passing isn't even mentioned in the VT - instead the far more important issue of Paije and the rest of the acts going shopping is tackled. I wouldn't mind such issued being glossed over if there was any sort of consistency but given dead wife guy from a couple of years ago and given that you can guarantee that certain acts have been and would be encouraged to dwell on any tragedy as much as possible in order to invoke the almighty power of the sympathy vote, the show has backed itself into a corner where now it even seems distasteful when they don't dwell on tragedy. Well that's my justification for being a massive hypocrite about it, anyway.
Paije is apparently "Stripping down" in his performance this week and "Laying himself bare on the stage". I thought that would be saved for Wagner.
As I've mentioned before I like Paije but this is terminally dull. He's singing a stripped-down "Ain't Nobody". Thankfully he isn't naked, in this case 'stripped-down' appears to be code for 'made as dull as possible'. He's also dressed as a holiday rep with a fancy t-shirt under the traditional red jacket.
The judges disagree though, saying it was his best performance yet. Sir Simon of Cowell didn't like what he was wearing and says he has to "Turn himself into a pop star" and start "Behaving and acting like a star". So that'll be some drunk-driving, cocaine-snorting and toilet attendant punching training for poor Paije if he survives to next week then, marvellous. Dannii informs him that he has "Arrived" but decides to omit the "At a Butlins in Milton Keynes".
John and Rebecca after the accursed ads! You can almost hear the producers saying "Let's get the darkies out of the way", although to be fair given all the oppression that black people faced in the past where they were, for example, forced to sit on the back of buses, maybe the powers that be feel like they're doing them a favour by letting them perform at the front-end of the show. Tasteless, moi?
The first of Louis' THREE acts THREE DID YOU HEAR THAT SIMON I HAVE THREE ACTS AND YOU ONLY HAVE TWO THEREFORE MY PENIS IS LARGER THAN YOURS is Yawn Adeleye. John also went shopping this week and, err, yeah, I'm going to start skipping the VTs unless there's anything particularly funny to mention. Apparently he's going to showcase his 'fun' side this week.
Here he is and OH GOD WHAT'S THAT ON HIS HEAD? Apparently Johns 'fun side' consists of pulling the front half of his hair back and having a flattened half-afro at the back causing him to look not unlike a mushroom. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom". A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom" while two dancers randomly engage in some heavy (and I mean heavy) petting in the background (read: foreground). This is an absolutely delightful screwjob - his singing is fine but literally (and I mean literally) everything else about the performance is utterly terrible. Song choice? Terrible. Staging? Terrible. Outfit? Terrible. Dancers? Terrible. The best part of the performance is a close-up of Simon with his eyes firmly fixed over to his left and the dancers with an amazing mix of arousal and bewilderment on his face. I've managed to make it to week 3 without insulting Brian Friedman but I can go further without announcing that he is a giant tossrag and a major reason why the X Factor is such nonsense at the moment and furthermore he OH GOD DID THAT WOMAN REALLY JUST WRAP HER LEGS AROUND THAT GUY THEN SLIDE DOWN AND MOTION AS IF SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM... ERR... ORAL PLEASURE? Brian Friedman, I hate you as much as it's possible to hate someone you've never met.
Haha, not even Louis can defend the dancers, blaming the aforementioned tossrag instead. In one of the moments that makes you remember why Simon can be great television sometimes he likens watching the performance to watching a newscaster with two dogs mating in the background - a beautiful summary. Louis comments on his new look and new hair and fantasically there is a little snigger from elements of the audience before everything gets drowned out by the predictable WOOOOOOOOO-ing.
Rebecca next! She also went shoppin... okay I'll stop saying that. The song she's singing is "All about personality" according to Simon. Uh-oh. "I don't want to be seen as just Becky with two kids" drones Rebecca, who has two kids. Well you're on the wrong programme then dear, seeing as typecasting people like that is what the show is all about.
She's singing "Why Don't You Do Right?" by Jessica Rabbit (well okay someone sang it before then but I'm damned if I know who) and it's actually really good - her strongest performance by some margin and the first time she's really looked comfortable on stage. This is marred somewhat by the fact that she's wearing a dress that makes it look like she has a third leg growing out of her right hip, but I've come to expect no less given the outfits on display thus far tonight. I'm pretty sure Cowell will have a problem with her "relevance", but that's really quite, well, irrelevant.
Cue Louis who we all know has an aversion to mentioning places - "LIVERPOOL has definitely got a new popstar". Surprisingly Simon has no issues with relevance and informs her that this was the night she "Turned into a star". That dress makes it look more like the night she turned into a three-legged mutant, but he has a point too. He also takes the time to call Elton John out for daring to say whatever he said in the papers earlier in the week. Well done Simon, you just sold him a few more records. Cheryl - "You tick every box" - DRINK!
Dermot is having trouble collecting his thoughts and can merely ask Rebecca, "Where did you come from!?". Err, Liverpool Dermot, have you heard her speak? And God knows the judges have mentioned it often enough. It's interesting that as the use of the word "journey" has apparently been banned from the hallowed X Factor halls that the presenter and judges have instead resorted to nonsense like saying "You've arrived!", "Where did you come from!?" and maybe next week, "You're stuck in traffic on the M6 but it's easing up past junction 6 so hang on in there". Just drop all pretentions and say the J-word, at the very least it will save oxygen.
Dermot is even confused about her name, calling her "Jessica Rabbit" as she wanders off stage. Methinks O'Leary has been too busy this week thinking up new barbs to throw in Louis' direction.
Oh joy, Cher after the break.
She really can't help but come over as a smug cow in the VT, it's quite hilarious. "Dannii didn't think that my risk came off..." she mutters, with a look of bewilderment on her face that just screams "HOW COULD THAT STUCK-UP BITCH NOT APPRECIATE MY ART!?" She prefers to follow up with, "It sort of made me think... watch what I can do now". I'm guessing it's going to involve rapping badly, singing badly, and possibly punching Dannii in the face in some toilets, am I warm?
Tonight Matthew, Cher is going to be Sharon from a council estate in Romford! She's singing the Dizzee Rascal/James Corden version of "Shout" by Tears for Fears. Let's get that out of the way immediately. In no way is what she's singing "fresh" or "original" or "clever" and if the judges start wittering on along those lines I'm probably going to have an aneurysm. It's quite fitting given she's singing the England song from the last World Cup that it's a performance of two halves - to be fair she sounds quite good in the verses - Cher is at her most pleasant / least repulsive when she's in that not-quite-rapping-but-not-quite-singing middle ground. Then the chorus comes along and ruins everything though. "Shout! Shout! Let it all out!" she wails, taking the lyrics a little too literally and shrieking as if an evil spirit were being exorcised from within her. Oh, there's also a contraption that resembles a few large hamster wheels on stage for no discernible reason. Genius. Then she breaks out into full-on rap mode and everything breaks down even more.
Louis gets my idiotic comment of the night thus far award for stating with a straight face that "Elton (John) would love that tune". Then Dannii praises her and Cher has this wonderful relieved look on her face that just screams, "Thank God, now I won't have to taint my wonderful fists by touching her face with them". Dannii also thought the staging was 'incredible' - no dear, it was a few dancers pushing an oversized hamster wheel around a bit. Cowell - "It didn't feel like you were in a competition... it felt like you were someone who's had 5 hit records". I think he's missing an 's' somewhere in there. He also describes the merging of the two songs as "Very clever". No Simon. It wasn't clever when James Corden and Dizzee Rascal did it (indeed it rivals that Echo and the Bunnymen/Spice Girls song as the worst football song in recent memory, and that's really saying something) and it's not clever now. Stick to making comments about dogs mating behind news presenters.
Also I'm now officially declaring that "The real you" is a formal addition to the X Factor drinking game.
Oh, Cher gets a spot between ads all to herself, just as in week 1. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragically transparent. Matt and One DirectionSHRIIIIIIIEEEEEKKK after the break!
Matt is pretty boring from a blog-writing perspective because he's actually quite good and is yet to come on stage dressed as some sort of comedy caricature. He's even apparently ditched the hat (well, during his performances, not in the VTs). He's sitting with and actually playing a guitar (musical instruments actually being played on the X Factor?) and singing the Travis version of "Baby One More Time", which at least one of these idiotic judges is bound to describe as fresh/original/clever, and it's really good, the only fault I can level at it is that it's a little close to the Travis version (which doesn't matter in the grand scope of things because people who actually vote on shows like this won't even know a version other than Britney's exists). The judges loved it and let's just press on because One Direction are infinitely more mockable.
Yes, it's One Direction (ambling slowly towards Westlifeville)! Simon helpfully informs us that he's unconcerned about being down to two acts because "It's about quality not quantity". Well given that both your groups are awful Simon, you probably should be concerned.
One Direction also went shopping (sorry)! It seems like they w-HE WINKED AT ME OH MY GOD HE WINKED AT ME err, yeah. Nobody crush that poor teenage girl's hopes by telling her that it's just lazy eye, okay?
Oh here's Brian Friedman, helpfully informing us that in rehearsals they "Didn't sound right". It's taken him this long to notice? Not recorded, Cowell's subsequent conversation with the sound man:
"Wow, Brian was right, they do sound awful. Crank up the backing track another notch"
"It's already at maximum volume sir! I cannae push it any louder, it's gonnae blow!"
"You're damn right it's gonna blow if we don't get that backing track up loud enough to drown out their actual voices, get to it!"
Oh, they just changed songs instead. Meh.
Oh wow, they're singing Pink's "Nobody Knows" and after this travesty Simon has no right to criticize Louis for turning a group into Westlife ever again because this is evern more Westlife-ish than Westlife. It's One-Direction-by-numbers, first the one who can actually sing a little sings, then everyone else comes in complete with hilariously overbearing backing vocals until the token Asian guy gets to sing two syllables at the end to show he's an integral part of the group. It's impossible to actually rate as a performance (the backing singers did well) but I'm pretty sure it was bad. If Louis had balls he'd call Simon out on this nonsense but he and all the judges will love it, of course.
Dannii calls Cowell out on Pink being a guilty pleasure. Really Dannii, you choose now when pretty much every single song so far has been not-a-guilty-pleasure to such an extent that I'd forgotten that there even was a theme this week? Oh wow, did Cheryl just invoke The Beatles when talking about these talentless idiots? I'm not sure things can get more absurd than this. Cowell - "Vocally you've made some huge improvements". Translated - "We've now got 12 speakers blaring the backing in instead of 8".
Haha, Dermot just called all the judges out on the whole 'guilty pleasures' thing. Savour Dermot doing this good thing because it's going to have to last you for a year or so.
Ads. We're half way there folks.
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