Over to Louis next, and Storm!
This week from what I could gather from the VT Storm will not be singing but instead be putting on some kind of daredevil show in which he falls from a 50 foot plank onto a bed of explosives then sets his (red) hair on fire before decapitating himself and playing guitar with his throaty sinews before being stretchered off stage. Well I'm not sure about that, but there was definitely something about a plank and a stretcher in there, I zoned out a little, as one tends to do with these VTs, especially where the more desperate wannabes are concerned.
In case you missed the snippet of him last week, he has red hair now too. Why? Well that slots right in between "What is the meaning of life?" and "Is there a God?" in terms of pressing questions that will never be answered.
Storm is singing.... something. I'm sure I recognize the song but I'm distracted by the fact that he looks like a Batman villain. Oh yeah, that's right, it's "We Built This City" - a suitably cheesy song for a cheesy kinda guy. Now I have a confession to make, I quite liked Storm throughout the earlier stages in spite of him often coming across as desperate, but there's something about the makeover, the performance and the dancers that eventually surround him that just screams "trying too hard". If Storm looks like he's fresh out of a Batman movie, the dancers have come directly from a low-budget horror movie. I think the song is one that it's practically impossible to sing well, as cheese-laden as it is.
Chezza doesn't like the image (even a broken clock is right twice a day), Cowell steals my Batman thought (honestly, I pointed it out to my friends as he was performing), and Louis skips actually commenting on the performance in favour of doing that cringeworthy "Please vote for this guy!" thing he sometimes does.
Over to Simon and "Back to normality", apparently, and he introduces Belle Amie (pronounced as in David or Craig), who are apparently really nervous (who knew?). They're singing a song I don't recognize and it's horrific from the start. The old cliché is that groups that have only just been put together need time to gel and for all the mentoring and vocal coaching they've doubtless had it's awfully apparent here. I quite liked them in the judges houses stage but this is so bad that speaking of David and Craig Bellamy I think I'd rather hear them have a bash at whatever this song is. I suppose the nicest thing I can say is at least they haven't had a horrible makeover, they just look like four pretty normal girls. They're like the Spice Girls, if all the Spice Girls were "Nondescript Spice".
Louis tells them "You're having a good time" which as we all know is Walshese for "You were shit". Dannii wasn't crazy about the song choice (I'm beginning to get a little worried at how often I'm agreeing with the judges here), Chezza felt uncertain watching them (whether she was unsure about their performance, their image or which hand her left hand is remains, well, uncertain). Simon says something or other but looking at him as he speaks it's painfully obvious he knows they were crap and are in trouble.
And cue ads. Dermot helpfully lets us know we have Cher (apparently pronouced "Sher" as in "-bert lemon" or indeed "-gar") to come after the break. He doesn't add "So be sure to join in so you can possibly watch a 17-year old girl have a mental breakdown on live TV!", but you can tell he's thinking it.
Over to Cheryl. "Up next, it's mini-me!" It's a pretty hilarious VT as Cher tries and completely fails to come across as meek and humble and Chezza drones "Tonight she's going to prove why she's here" (take a drink). Anyway, after the most hideous "Yeeeeaaah" at the start which gets my hopes/fears of an imminent breakdown up she ultimately ploughs through "Just Be Good To Me" dissapointingly competently, complete with what appears to be part of a playground climbing frame or scaffolding behind her and the now-customary 'rap' segment. As is so often the case with acts who viewers fervently love or hate, actually she's just sort of average, nowhere near as bad as either of the groups but not as good as Matt or Rebecca thus far. If I was Chezza I'd be putting her out there with stereotypical fake press dancers complete with trenchcoats, overly expensive cameras and A5 notepads who she punches repeatedly as part of her 'dance routine', but I suppose there's something to be said for playing it safe in week one.
On an actually serious side note, I have an uncle who has been diagnosed with cancer and who most likely has less than a year left if treatment is unsuccessful who I saw early this (Sunday) afternoon. He's in his mid-fifties and he could not shut up about how great "That Cher from X Factor" was last night. So even if all the press reports are true and she is a snivelling little chav bitch queen from hell she made a sick old man happy and as such I might find it a little difficult to mock her (then again her looking like Cheryl might after a few nights on the blow will probably go some way to countering that). For all my snide comments while watching the show and in writing this it's these sort of things that help put things in perspective and make me legitimately irritated when people react incredibly seriously to a perceived injustice taking place on a TV talent show.
Louis likes the staging and says "It could be a number one record" (take a drink). She commands the stage according to Dannii and so the inevitable gushing of praise that she would probably have got even if she'd sang Baa Baa bloody Black Sheep with a rap segment continues. Cowell says the performance justified Chezza selecting her, causing Ms Cole to stand up and do her best impression of a demented seal. He also professes his love for her which apparently he "Probably shouldn't do because I'm 51 years old". Like that's ever stopped you before, Simon. Chezza is proud and stuff, although at least part of that pride quickly evaporates when we discover that she has about as much interview technique as Susan Boyle.
More ads? Already? And yes, that means Cher got an entire (albeit short) segment between ads all to herself. But there's no favoritism on this show, got that?
Over to Simon and Diva Fever, apparently Simon's gift to Louis (I have to admit I chuckled). Louis isn't surprised that he picked them because they're "Very Simon" (I have to admit I chuckled again). They're singing the oft-covered "Sunny" and are dressed as what I can only describe as what I envision a gay pimp looking like. It's all very boring and... wait is that a cloth wall being rolled out? Are they actually getting changed behind it, mid-performance? They are! They've gone from gay pimp to Mr Gay Motivator in a matter of seconds!
I'm somewhat distracted at this point as despite all the diversionary tactics it's increasingly obvious that only one of the duo is actually singing. Seriously, watch it again, it's hilarious how the camera will suddenly go to from focusing on not-singing guy to a wide shot as soon as any vocals start. It becomes obvious why he's not singing when his voice actually does become evident as backing for a short time and it sounds awful. It's not even funny-bad, it's just bad-bad. I begin to wonder what on earth is happening here - I mean I'm pretty sure he could sing vaguely competently before so what's the story? It's not like XF to miss out on a laryngitis sob-story or suchlike.
Expect "Diva Fever's Big Gay Workout DVD" sometime next summer. They're bizzare enough and the one of them who is actually singing is competent enough for them to be safe this week, but with the novelty vote getting split at least two ways this year they probably won't last that much longer.
The legacy of Jedward is that crap like this now hilariously gets generally positive comments from the judges, who evidently don't want to get backed into a corner and made to look stupid like Simon famously did last year.
Upon interrogation by Dermot we discover that they apparently thought when Simon called to announce the wildcard that it was the pizza man. Riveting news (and personally I'd be disappointed if I was expecting pizza and Cowell knocked at my door). Also, phone hands! (finish your drink)
Over to Dannii now, and Paije. According to that font of wisdom Brian Friedman "The weight is making him feel insecure". Insert your own joke here - it will be at least week 3 before I start resorting to fat jokes (if you're lucky). He of course was referring to the weight of expectation, not blubbery rolls of fat.
I may jest but there's something innately likeable about Paige - he just looks like a normal guy who's happy and having fun, which back in more innocent times used to be what shows like this were all about. He's for all intents and purposes the anti-Katie - not trying hard because he desperately wants to be famous but trying hard because he just wants to get to have fun again next week. He's dressed a little oddly - from the waist up it's like he's on holiday in Hawaii and from the waist down it's like he's at an important job interview (footwear aside). He's singing "Killing Me Softly" well enough and managing to 'make it his own' without deviating from the original to any great degree. There's a lyric change to "Killing me softly with her song", and this small act of self-awareness when contrasted with watching Diva Fever a couple of minutes ago makes me giggle. There's a rather cringeworthy moment where he goes to and prances around the audience, and indeed he generally lacks stage presence and grace but his voice is solid and less generic than most.
The only negative thing the judges have to say is about his attire, otherwise he's apparently a cuddly infectious soulful Luther Vandross-a-like or something. He is in no danger this week and will likely be around for a few weeks at least.
Katie, Mary and Niccolo after the break - I can hardly wait to vent my spleen at the trio of unlikeable bastards.
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