Oh no! Rebecca is having problems putting her shoulders back! Forget the problems in the Middle-East, forget the Chilean miners, this is the true humanitarian disaster story of the week! There's some rambling about confidence before Bex takes to the stage wearing a PURPLE dress and PURPLE lipstick
Wait no she actually sang "Feeling Good". I'll leave that struckthrough text up there as a testament to how insanely powerful that purple lipstick truly was.
Cowell: "You're current". Given her attire and make-up I feel "blackcurrant" may have been more appropriate.
Aiden now, he-who-looks-permanently-like-he's-had-an-accident-in-his-pants. It's official, last week's psychotic staring and convulsing on stage wasn't just an act - he actually does sing like that. He's ploughing through John Lennon's "Jealous Guy" and it sounds just like Lennon himself were singing. Which given that he's been dead for 30 years isn't intended as a compliment. The judges actually tell it like it is for once - it was awkward and "out of control". Louis resorts to begging for people to vote for Aiden despite him not actually being one of his acts.
Katie and Wagner after the break! More ads, giving the viewing public time to sharpen their pitchforks.
Wagner time! He's having trouble with his timing apparently, which given that he is God and as such is omnipresent is unsurprising. He's singing "Help Yourself" by Tom Jones and just in case you were worried it's still hilarious. Still awful, but still hilarious.
Once again it's hard to place exactly why it's so funny, which just makes it all the more funny. Whereas last year you had a gimmick act who hit you over the head repeatedly with the joke ("Look! We're riding the GHOSTBUSTERS car dressed in GHOSTBUSTERS outfits while singing the GHOSTBUSTERS theme!"), Wagner's comedy is a little more subtle (and believe me I never thought I'd be describing him as "subtle"). He still has that occasional "Where am I and what am I doing here?" stare fixed on his face, and there's something about half a dozen scantily-clad hot young women fawning over him that just makes me giggle. Then male dancers join the fray and start dragging the women away from him, it's truly inspired. And there's titty-rubbing at the end! Presumably this is a recurring gimmick, and is in fact a sly tactic to stop Wagner from ever having to perform early in the show because of the watershed. We can't have boobie-fondling before 9pm!
Chezza quickly introduces Katie, like she can't wait to get it all over with. She proudly announces that Louis "saved her dignity" in the VT. No dear, he just condemned you to another week in this godforsaken circus being loathed by the majority of the viewers.
Oh look, she's ditched the Baby Gaga look! I'm truly shocked! Yes folks this is "The Real Katie" now (well, until she gets wind that the public don't like this image too, then she will probably reveal that all this has been a lie and that the "Real Real Katie" is actually a rock chick or something. Anyway, she's singing Etta James' "I'd Rather Go Blind" and it sounds just like Etta herself. If she were singing over a mobile phone line from the bottom of the San Jose mine in Chile, that is. Although it's nowhere near as bad as the travesty that was last week, she doesn't have the range for the song so it all ends up sounding a little boring. The judges predictably lap it up.
Belle Amie and Mary next! I entertain myself during the ads by wondering which out of the two would win in a no-holds-barred fight.
Oh no - infighting in Camp Amie! Nondescript Spice is unhappy that Other Nondescript Spice gets to sing some part or other of the song! Here they come, and they're made up to look like villains from some sort of sci-fi porn movie from the neck up, and like it's bedtime in chavtown from the neck down. They're singing "You Really Got Me" by their musical heroes The Kinks. Here's how I imagine their song choice conversation going.
Simon: "So, what song are you going to sing this week girls?"
BA: "I dunno Simon, do you have any suggestions"
Simon: "The Kinks"
BA: "The Kinks? Isn't that like... doing it in public and getting tied up by your partner and eating food of each others bodies and stuff? I know we're desperate for votes but isn't that taking it a little far?"
Simon: "No girls, there's a band. Called The Kinks. You're thinking of the word 'Kinky'"
BA: "Oh right! What did they sing?"
Simon: "You Really Got Me"
BA: "What? You want us to sing a song by this band but you don't even know what they sang? How's that gonna work?"
Simon: "No girls, one of the songs they sang was called 'You Really Got Me'"
BA: "Ohhh right, how does it go?"
Simon (singing): "You really got me. You really got me. You really got me"
BA: "So you want us to sing this song by The Kings or whatever they're called and you don't even know how it goes?"
Simon: "NO THAT'S HOW THE GODDAMN SONG GOES"
Yes, I'm ever so cynical about The Kinks being Belle Amie's "musical heroes". Their performance isn't as bad as last week but they still sound like they're competing with each other rather than singing together during the harmonies, and none of them has anything more than an average voice to start with. They're in trouble on Sunday, I predict (bold, I know).
Up next it's TESCOMaryfromdublinIRELAND! She's singing Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" (at least some people seem to be taking the "heroes" theme remotely seriously), and it's every bit as good as last week. In fact that's really the problem, it's nearly exactly the same as last week. Regardless, cue standing ovation, cue tears, cue judges waxing lyrical about her. Louis - "You're exactly what it says on the tin". Mistake Louis, that's Ronseal, not Tesco.
Finally we near the home straight in this two-and-a-half hour endurance slog, and last on it's Hatt Cardle! WILL HE BE ABLE TO HIT THE HIGH NOTE? There's a lot of fuss in the VT about him "hitting a big C", which I take to mean that he's going to leap off the stage at some point and punch Simon repeatedly in the face.
Here he is! Hatless! And he's singing... Bruno Mars? BRUNO MARS? HOW THE HELL IS HE ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING A "MUSICAL HERO" WHAT THE..... oh you know what? Forget it. He sings nicely enough. Not nicely enough to make me think he'd be any more successful than the other failed male winners (i.e. all of them), but it's pleasant enough to listen to for now. The judges predictably loved it.
Cue recap, cue phone numbers, cue "OHGODWOWHOWEXCITINGISTOMORROWNIGHTGOINGTOBE!?!?", cue Storm and Belle Amie predictably leaving on Sunday night with John or Paije getting saved by the judges (my predictions can't be much worse than last week).
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