We're slowly entering the home straight now, and Cheryl introduces Katie. You don't need me to tell you that her contributions to the show to date consist of forgetting lyrics and crying, which apparently translates to "She has potential" with Chezza. Just to show how down to earth she is there are brief segments of her with her mum and dad and at work as a receptionist in a hair salon (which from her attire seems to have a "sexually confused biker" dress code. Shockingly she too is "nervous" (which should her performance be bad I'm going to start assuming is code for "will perform awfully").
She is wearing a costume that is impossible to do justice to in words but I shall try. It appears to be part Ziggy Stardust, part Judge Dredd and part Native Indian headdress. Oh, and she's fake-playing a keyboard too, which is apparently being propped up by the heads of two half-naked men while a handful of men in dark suits watch on from either side. The ridiculous ensemble has absolutely nothing to do with the song she's singing ("We are the Champions", hilariously enough), and it reeks of someone assigning random gimmicks to numbers on a roulette wheel then spinning it half a dozen times.
The absurdity of it all would be bearable if she actually sang decently, but it's a horribly languid and dull performance of an atroicious song choice. The recipe for getting votes in XF, at least early on, is likeability + entertainment value + performance quality (with of course the hidden "how much the powers that be pimp you" modifier), and the only slight mark she gets in any of those is attributable to the morbid curiosity of what on earth she will be wearing next week some people might have. Still, having said all that she'll probably avoid the bottom two on account of actually being memorable, even though it's memorable for all the wrong reasons. What's even worse is I bet the judges will praise this nonsense too.
Oooh, Louis is pretty scathing! He originally thought she was style-over-substance and she hasn't changed his mind, apparently. Dannii thought it was vocally "fierce", whatever that means. I sometimes describe perticularly pungent turds that I drop as "fierce", so I can only assume she meant that her vocals reeked, were nauseating, and may clog up the toilet. Simon likes what she's wearing because it's "different". He likes people who are original and don't try to look like anyone else. It's left to Cheryl to shatter any illusion that she is original by basically admitting that she's a Lady Gaga clone. So Katie is completely fresh and original but also blatantly copying someone else's style and mannerisms at the same time. Everything clear? Good!
Oh, and now is apparently a good time for Cheryl's "Why I am a good person really and not a horrible racist I mean come on I married a black guy after all" soliloquy. Disappointingly it's only two sentences long and frightfully boring when contrasted with Simon's famous Jedward soliloquy last year.
Over to Louis, who introduces "Mary, from Dublin, IRELAND". In case you didn't know Maryfromdublinireland works on the tills in Tesco and OH MY, IT'S SURPRISE LARYNGITIS SOB STORY TIME (finish your drink)! Unlike the Cher laryngitis thing last week this is actually bearable seeing as Maryfromdublinireland is just going to say to hell with it and sing.
And sing she does. She's singing "It's a Man's World" and absolutely nailing it. This is many, many times better than anything she's sung in previous weeks and actually makes me at least temporarily forget about the whole Tesco gimmick. If this is what she sounds like with laryngitis then she's going to blow the roof off the studio when she's back to 100% (though I suspect the laryngitis thing like everything in this show was exaggerated for 'dramatic effect').
It's taken about an hour and a half but Mary finally provides us with our first tears of the night (finish your drink), although it's more endearing than anything else as it comes across as a genuine reaction to the remarkable ovation she received. The judges predictably loved it, although Simon's branding of her as a "trier" probably didn't come across as the compliment it was intended to be, although he does supplement this by telling her she "nailed it 110%" (take a drink).
Over to Dannii, and "the one you've all been waiting for" Nicolo "Uncle" Festa (Earth to Dannii, precisely no viewers have been eagerly waiting for Nicolo). He's right up there with Aiden in the "most punchable face" competition, and the fact that while Aiden seems relatively normal Uncle Festa seems like a giant douchebag probably clinches him the award. It's the only thing he'll be winning on XF this year, anyway.
Oh, he's the first one this year to "go there" and cover Lady G. He's singing "Just Dance". While Katie managed to look stupid by wearing about a dozen stupid things, Nicolo appears to be going for the minimalist moronic look - all it takes for him to look like a drooling idiot is a pair of 'wacky' sunglasses and a Bobby Charlton combover. It's not an awful performance in the same way that Katie's was but there are exactly no redeeming features to be found, either in the performance or with Uncle Festa in general.
Nicolo is apparently Louis' cup of tea, which given that he looks like a gay German waiter (sunglasses aside) is wholly unsurprising. He "made it his own" (drink), which is news to me seeing as it sounded like a bad karaoke singalong from where I was standing. Chezza needs to stop apologizing for not liking a performance (especially when it's shit). She's starting to sound stoned again, wittering on about connections and eyes complete with sinister two-fingered hand gestures. Simon quite liked it and thought he looked better than he sounded (chortle). Dannii thinks that people shouldn't be saying he's a diva like it's a bad thing, which prompts Louis' unfunny joke of the week.
The thing about Louis Walsh is that when he makes a bad joke, he makes it in style. There's something about the build-up, you can just here him saying silently to the audience "Wait for it, the hilarious punchline that will make you roll around in hysterical laughing fits is just around the corner" before delivering his knockout blow (to what little remains of his credibility, that is). In this case, his hilarious joke is "I agree" (with Dannii, that 'diva' shouldn't be used so negatively), before following up with winkwinknudgenudgeherecomesthehilariouspunchlineareyouready "I'm working with three". I'm ashamed to say I laughed, though in my defense it was the total silence that followed his 'joke' that made me laugh as opposed to the actual 'joke' itself.
Apparently according to Cheryl the audience need to know someone well before they start putting on a huge facade of an image, which coming from the woman who cleared Katie to wear... well, whatever she was wearing is wonderfully hypocritical. I think Nicolo realizes he looks like a prize tosser and tries his hardest to get off stage before Dermot drags him back so he can read his number (for what it's worth seeing as nobody will be dialling it).
One Direction and Wagner after the break!
Over to Simon and "It's One Direction" *cue shrieking in the studio audience*. At least unlike Simon's other manufactured group these guys have Spice Girls-esque personas! There's, umm, Curly Spice with the curly hair, Refused-to-Dance Spice who, umm, refused to dance. Irish Spice who is Irish and of course Sea Urchin Spice (who may or may not also be Curly, Refused-to-Dance or Irish Spice, I can't remember). And then there's Other Spice, who is the other one (or two).
Simon informs us we "Wouldn't normally connect the band with this song", and if I could think of a suitably funny song to suggest at this point I would, but alas my mind fails me. Refused-to-Dance Spice gets wheeled out for "I screwed up in practice oh god I hope I don't screw up in the actual performance" duty. They're actually singing "Viva La Vida" and it quickly becomes obvious that the "One Direction" is meandering slowly and boringly sideways. One of them can sort-of-sing, the rest are awful, although the harmonies are a little more together than Belle Amie's were.
Of course as we all know, it doesn't matter a jot how well or badly they sing because the 'tweens' will love them, as will the judges because five times the number of 16/17 year old kids on stage means five times the risk of a mental breakdown if they get scathing criticism from anyone. Louis of course liked them but isn't a fan of their style (Louis Walsh not liking your dress sense is a wonderful compliment in truth), and everyone else has predictably boring platitudes. Dermot gets his 93rd cheap dig at Louis in when he questions how he knows what 18-year olds should be wearing (seriously, coming from someone who isn't exactly Louis' #1 fan it's still getting old Dermy, can it and concentrate on presenting objectively like you're paid to do).
Make that 94 as Dermot asks "style guru" Louis Walsh to introduce his last act. It's Wagner, and frankly I can hardly wait. "Having a second chance is like being resurrected from the dead" says the guy who definitely has a Mexican-Jesus feel about him (yes I know he's not actually Mexican). He's apparently having trouble remembering his lyrics, and as Chezza helpfully informs us "Forgetting the lyrics is the worst thing you can do (except when you're in my category and want to get through to the live shows)". He's introduced by voiceover man as just "Wagner", so apparently he doesn't have a surname. I get the feeling the quirkiness isn't going to end there.
He's singing the ultimate cheese-fest that is "She Bangs" and it's hard to describe why it's absolutely hilarious, but it is. There's something in the way Wagner urgently looks around after every other line or so as if to say "Where the heck am I?" that's just tear-inducingly funny. Umm, are those bongos? How, pray tell, are bongos going to be incorporated into "She Bangs"? What's that you say - they're not? They're instead going to be used as a transistion from "She Bangs" to the equally fantastically cheesy "Love Shack"? Why, I think I've died and gone to hilarious heaven!
Again it's hard to place exactly why it's so funny. There's something about the way he sings the words "Love Shack" that is just innately hilarious, especially when complemented at the end by his small troupe of dancers rubbing their boobs provocatively while he stands there with the ultimate embodiment of the shit-eating grin on his face. Wagner is basically going to be this year's prime comedy option and I for one am on board - he seems actually funny and genuinely quirky and deranged as opposed to the pseudo-dumb act we got last year from you-know-who.
The judges have broken the fourth wall and are doing exactly what I think every viewer in the country is doing - just sitting, dumbstruck, unable to collect their thoughts and form coherent sentences. "Wagner..." offers Dannii with an intense yet ultimately blank stare, "...a medley..... with a bongo". I'm not sure whether to end that quote with a question mark, an exclamation mark, both or neither, and Dannii wasn't sure either. Cheryl describes him as "Earthy" (I don't know either) and Simon uses some kind of milkshake involving onions analogy. You heard it here first folks, Wagner has the power to melt brain cells. Simon sums up the general mood as he utters, arms spread wide, "Embrace the madness".
Oh, and apparently it's pronounced "Vaah-guh-nerr", according to the man himself. So there you go.
Ad time, with only Aiden and TrayC to come!
Dannii introduces Aiden, who is at least self-aware enough to know that he comes across as "awkward". He's singing "Mad World" while perched atop a throne made up of chains or something. To anyone who doesn't know the song he would come across as looking psychotic and deranged because, well, that's what he looks like, but it works within the confines of the song because that's the point of it (as I had to point out to a few friends). Visually he treads the line between "wonderfully emotive" and "a little forced", but comes out largely on the good side. Vocally he's solid too, although it's hard not to compare it to the vocally wonderful Gary Jules and Adam Lambert versions (the original was good too but hardly vocally phenomenal), and he verges into flat-out impersonating Gary Jules in places. All in all though, a good night for Aiden, concluded by all four judges enveloping him with praise and him finding it a little difficult to switch out of psychotic character for his little tete-a-tete with Dermot.
Over to Cheryl now for the last act of the night, and in the 'pimp' slot it's the woman who can't spell her name properly, TreyC! Ooh, controversy in the VT - apparently Katie and Cher weren't very welcoming! Well, colour me shocked and appalled!
Three things become quickly apparent. One, she's singing, err, "One" by U2. Two, she has an enormous arse and three, it's hilarious how much better than at least two of the girls who got into Chezza's original three she is. It's a powerful, emotive performance that's just different enough from the original to make me not mind that much if one of the judges were to use the "You made it your own" cliché. Simon says it was the best vocal of the entire competition by a country mile, which is stretching it though. Meanwhile Cheryl feels "lucky" and it's not just because she's made millions of pounds despite having no discernible talent.
And so the first live show winds down, but not before Dermy drops the bombshell after a highlights reel that tomorrow night there will be a bottom three and two acts will be going home. My money's on FYD and John. Oh wait, what's that, Joe McElderberry will be performing? I'll be changing my prediction to FYD and Joe, then.
Good job, really funny look at the show!
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