There's something strangely amusing to the immature little child that still resides within me about a split-second shot of Mary Byrne immediately followed by "THE NEXT BIG THING" flashing up on the screen, complete with overly dramatic voiceover.
Yes, it's finally time for the "business end" of the X Factor 2010. Laughs have been had, tears have been shed, faces have been punched and sea urchins have been stepped on along the long and winding road to arriving at our final 12 acts. But now the preseason shenanigans are over with and as the dramatic music implies, it's game time.
Of course no show courts publicity like XF, and we're treated to a small montage of headlines mainly revolving around what a horrible person Cheryl Cole is for putting someone in her final three instead of someone else. I'm somewhat sketchy on the details - it's not like anyone has been talking about it last week. Seriously, as will become even more evident as the night goes on, Gamu has become the Lord Voldemort of XF - she who must not be named (lest it make Chezza cry).
Recap! Cue the judges talking smack about how they obviously have the best category and they're obviously going to win and they hate the other judges' guts and oh for god's sake is anyone still buying this 'competition between the judges' crap after all these years?
BUT WAIT
THERE'S A BIG TWIT (it's Louis, right?)
SORRY I MEAN A BIG TWIST!
What could it possibly be?
Has someone cut the vocal chords of everyone in the audience so we get no more incredibly annoying shrill squealing while people are trying to talk?
Has Simon changed his hair? Or buttoned his shirt up? Is Cheryl actually wearing proper clothes this week?
Oh, no, the big twist is that stupid wildcard crap that's been all over the papers and the internet for the last week. Thankfully instead of trying to create added suspense, Dermot just tells us what the twist is within the first 5 minutes. Each judge actually has four acts instead of the usual three and thus tonight's show is roughly 23 hours long.
After the customary introduction of the judges we're treated to clips of said judges visiting the houses of their wildcard choices to 'surprise' them with the news that they're actually going through to the live shows. Of course, all the acts just happen to be at home when the judges call and just happen to have lots of family and friends with them. All merely coincidence, I'm sure. Anyway, Simon picks Diva Fever (essentially Jedward but with added gay and an ability to sing sort of in tune), Dannii picks Paije (the fat one who works in a cinema), Chezza picks TreyC, presumably because not mentioning she-who-must-not-be-named's name could get difficult if she was actually in the live shows, and Louis picks Wagner, whose two syllable name will somehow manage to be pronouced approximately 43 different ways before the night is out.
The 16 acts are bundled out onto the stage, and cue ads.
Back, and Dermot announces the theme is number 1s. I wonder how long it will take one of my friends to make a "number 2s" joke (answer: about 4 seconds). He laughably passes over to Simon to introduce the act with the "honour" of opening the show (when of course any remotely educated viwer knows the opening slot is death, especially in a field of 16).
It's FYD, and you can insert your own acronym-related joke here ("First? You're Done"). And yes, they've absolutely been thrown to the wolves, having been given the death slot and being made up in a hilariously mismatched and frankly rather bizzare 'urban nerd'-type style. I'm sure it won't be the worst makeover of the night but it's going to be up there near the top. They're singing a song that I don't recognize about how they "wanna be billionaires really freaking bad" with all the enthusiasm of a turkey singing christmas carols and with the emphasis squarely on the "freaking bad". It takes me about 10 seconds to determine that pretty much regardless of what happens in the rest of the show, FYD will be in the bottom two come Sunday because you need to not be boring as hell if you're in the death slot and they were, frankly, boring as hell.
Louis loved the song choice, styling and choreography. Yet more evidence they'll be gone tomorrow. After Louis and Dannii criticize them for too much emphasis on the dancing to boos from the audience, Chezza decides she's been deprived of cheap pops for too long and tells them they "need to move more" in that meaningless and not-at-all-expanded on way that Chezza does so well. It elicits a cheer from the peons, though, so job done as far as she's concerned. A small-scale Simon/Louis skirmish later and we're done with FYD. Possibly forever, tomorrow night's sing-off aside.
Over to Dannii now (who appears to have gone a little overboard with the lippy and tooth polishing and as such it appears that her mouth is actually a light source), who introduces Matt! Surprising that a good performer (well I like him, anyway) is going so early, but it will probably only serve to bury FYD further.
He's singing "When Love Takes Over", and it's a good, if unadventurous choice. The stage is awash with light but thankfully devoid of props and gimmickry, which is a sure sign that the powers that be know they have a good vocalist on their hands.
Louis loves him, as proven by his perpetual waving around of his pen and generally excitable hand motions. Chezza loves the song choice and rambles on about skirting boards or something for a while. Simon invokes cliché #4765 - "If you put out that song tomorrow you'd have a hit record" (take a drink), and Dannii can't wait to hear his next performance (clue: it will probably be disappointingly similar to this one unless you actually take some sort of a risk with song choices).
Cue ads, conveniently timed so we get to reflect on Matt's awesomeness and forget completely about FYD while making a cup of tea. Cynical, moi?
As if to further prove my point about the ads, first up after them is John Ukulele (or something like that), another act the powers that be probably want you to forget about. Again he's prop and gimmick-less, although I suspect this is intended more in a "Look how boring this guy is!" way than anything else. He's singing "One Sweet Day" by Mariah and Boyz II Men, which is pretty bold/stupid, and he manages to hold my attention despite ploughing through it in a somewhat understated way, which is probably a good thing. Oh, there's a choir! Breaking that out a little early this year aren't we? What's next - little children invading the stage in week 2?
Dannii takes over Chezza's usual role in the rambling meaninglessly department. Chezza says if she could describe John in one word it would be "gorgeous" (at which time you can actually see him thinking "She's split with that footballer guy, right?"). It's a plethora of unopinionated, non-committal comments, the highlight of which is Simon arguing that the song choice was invalid because it was only #1 in New Zealand (is New Zealand no longer a valid country or something?). Get it? This is really funny because Louis complained about shit like this throughout last series! Chortle chortle! Guffaw! Nobody really has anything constructive or interesting to say, which fits the mould of John being "boring" just perfectly. In 20 minutes time, everyone will forget he exists.
Yes, I am always this cynical. Deal with it. :)
Over to Chezza now, and she introduces Rebecca (who I was really looking forward to calling "Token" until the wildcard ruined everything). She's singing "Teardrops", and although everything isn't completely in place she's a shadow of the closed, defensive figure she was throughout the auditions/boot camp/judges house process. My main worry for her is that once she completely ascends Mount Confidence she'll have nowhere left to go but down, and people will get bored with her. Regardless, it's a solid performance, on a par with Matt's and tying for the best of the night thus far.
Unintentionally hilarious comment of the night award goes to Simon for saying he feels like she has been pigeonholed into talking about sad things (umm yes, that's how this show has worked for years now, don't take your audience for idiots even if most of them are). Chezza appears to have been smoking some wacky tobacky because she's rambling on about how things seem "real" to her. Yes Chezza, she really is there and actually exists.
Cue ads.
It's been a disappointing night to this point as far as the X Factor drinking game goes - such staple clichés as "You made the song your own" and the legendary 'phone hands' among others have been notoriously absent. We'll see if things pick up in part 2!
'Yes Chezza, she really is there and actually exists.'
ReplyDeleteCracked me up :)