LAST NIGHT!
SINGING!
"SINGING!"
AND CLICHES!
TONIGHT!
IT'S ANOTHER DOUBLE ELIMINATION!
IT'S UNLCEAR AS TO WHETHER MARY WILL COUNT AS BOTH ELIMINATIONS IF SHE IS KNOCKED OUT!
FAT JOKES ARE FUN!
Okay, okay, enough of that nonsense. Last night some people sang and tonight Storm and someone else are going to get knocked out. But not until we've endured the horrors of the group performance, Diana Vickers singing in the aural version of an illegible scrawl, and Katy Perry trying to sing live first!
First it's the judges! I don't know whether all the split rumours are true or if it's just the show courting yet more publicity but there is a noticeable gap between Dannii/Louis (who are holding hands) and Chezza/Simon (Simon gives Cheryl a wonderful "nobody will ever know we just shagged before coming out here" look as he is introduced, and judging by how bizarrely Cheryl is dressed, like she got dressed in a hurry, that might just have actually happened).
Oh great, group performance time! Immediate thought- it's bizzare that Katie has spent so much time in the music business and yet she still hasn't learned to mime properly. Everyone else seems to be doing a great job of covering their mouths with a combination of microphone and hands so as to make it 'impossible to tell' they're miming. Well, until the overs invade the stage and ruin everythi... OH CHRIST CHER'S AWFUL RAPPING IS EVEN INFECTING THESE GROUP PERFORMANCES NOW. I thought that as bad as these group performances are they would at least be the one sanctuary from the terrible rapping, but alas no, this crap now has exactly zero redeeming features. John and Katie's vocal parts in particular are hilarious because they sound absolutely nothing like them.
Oh, they sang Gaga/Beyonce's "Telephone". Ugh.
5 minute recap. Time for a cuppa. And a shot of morphine.
Apparently we were all "blown away" by Diana Vickers a couple of series ago. Umm, didn't she finish 4th or 5th? Obviously we weren't so much blown away as we were inconvenienced by a mild breeze, stop fibbing O'Leary! Disappointingly there are no captions like there were for Joe last week...
"SHE WAS A GIRL FROM BLACKBURN"
"SHE HAD A DREAM"
"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE DESPITE HER FINISHING 4TH WHICH REALLY EMPHASIZES THE COMPLETE POINTLESSNESS OF THIS COMPETITION"
Oh wait there are captions!
"DEBUT NUMBER ONE SINGLE" (better than Joe managed)
"NUMBER ONE ALBUM" (better than Joe will manage)
What makes Diana fun is you get to play "guess the lyrics" as she sings. I'm pretty sure I hear a "Hush hush gay men" early on, then something about her "Wiccan Heart". On to the second verse and apparently she likes "Jams on bread", then the bridge which appears to be a tribute to the deliciousness of limes "Limes / La-la-limes / La-la-limes...". Then Ms Vickers invites us all to "Cook a Jew", which strikes me as a little tasteless in more ways than one. It's actually not a horrible song, although the chorus is a blatant rip-off of RHCP's "Under the Bridge".
Oh wow, it must be contagious, I could have sworn I just heard Dermot ask if "Wiccan Heart" was available for download now. Also she may be pregnant - that or she just keeps clutching her stomach to prevent THE CLAW from escaping.
Ad time!
Katy Perry time!
Here are the nice things I can say about her performance!
- She's pretty hot.
- She's not miming.
Now it's time for the wall of bad. I'm not sure if I'm reverting to Vickers-mode in imagining lyrics that aren't there. Apparently Ms Perry is wondering if I've ever felt like a plastic bag before. Well no dear, I can't say I have. Oh, and in case you're wondering how I could tell she's not miming, it's because she sounds bloody awful. The fact that she was a guest judge on the show and managed to pass judgment on auditionees singing ability without cowering in shame and repeatedly slapping herself is even more remarkable than Cheryl somehow doing the same thing every week.
I'm sorry. This is actually the first time I've felt it necessary to do what I'm about to do this year but I'm muting this. It's so bad it's embarassing me just listening to it. Plus it's pretty funny to watch muted, it looks like Katy is having a psychotic episode as people flail around her with spark-firing limbs and random things explode.
She gets a standing ovation, of course. If the judges didn't know who she was she'd be getting four nos.
Dermot pops in for a chat. Katy's first words are "We like to light it up". Well, maybe that would help numb the pain of having to suffer through that godawful performance, it's true. Dermot asks her about her tour to which she replies "Oh, I think the dates are all sold out". You can hear her silently adding, "So why the hell am I here if I have nothing to plug?"
Okay, ads, and now everyone is coming back on stage. It's results time!
Katie declared safe first. "No particular order" my arse. All the predictable names are wheeled out, and Wagner being declared safe 10th (hurrah!) leaves us with Aiden, Belle Amie, Diva Fever, and Storm. They could have picked a better 4th name to maintain suspense seeing as it's obvious Aiden is going through, and so it proves.
Storm is last and has to leave IMMEDIATELY. Nobody really cares, although having to suffer through Diva Fever 'singing' at least once more is a blow.
After the break "It's Diva Fever versus Belle Amie". Whoever wins, we lose.
First up it's Diva Fever. They're singing "I Will Survive", and without the elaborate staging and backing it's even more obvious how awful they are. Plus there's something remarkably fitting about them singing "Go on now go / Walk out the door / Just turn around now / 'Cause you're not welcome anymore". Like I said last week, their Big Gay Workout DVD will be out sometime next year.
Belle Amie now, and although I have no idea what they're singing they're infinitely better without troubling the "good" borderline. If they don't go through, I'll..... well I'll be mildly irritated for a few seconds.
The funniest thing about the judges' vote is that Simon doesn't even get to have a say because the other three all vote unceremoniously to ditch Diva Fever. When asked who he would have voted to send home, Simon is remarkably non-committal for once in his life (hint: he would have ditched Diva Fever).
And so the fun and games ends for another week!
NEXT WEEK!
EVERYONE WILL SING AGAIN!
IN THEIR USUAL PREDICTABLE WAY!
SINGING PREDICTABLE SONGS!
THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANY RELEVANCE TO WHATEVER THE THEME IS!
I can hardly wait.
Oh dearie me! I have just giggled and guffawed, tittered and tee-heed my way through your blog. In fact my neighbours may be forgiven for believing that I have slipped into Bertha Rochester mode yet again. Can't wait for next week's fantabulous instalment.I don't give a flying fig about the show, just as long as it keeps you in mirth inducing wit. And yes, I DO live in a country where figs often fly. Just as pigs might in Fixfactorlandia the day that noone bar noone phones in to vote for anyone other than Wagner or Tescomary thus ensuring that everybody else would get their marching orders to leave the show IMMEDIATELY! Muchíííísimas gracias for being such an uplifter of spirits!
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