IT'S!
THE!
SEMI!
*awkward pause*
FINAL!
"I genuinely can't predict what's going to happen". Well Simon, my guess is the five remaining acts are going to sing a couple of songs, probably badly and then one of them, probably Mary, is going to leave on Sunday. It's hardly rocket science.
Matt doesn't want to go back to being a 'painter', Mary doesn't want to go back to Tesco, Rebecca doesn't want to go back to Liverpool, One Direction don't want to go back to school and Cher just wants HER GODDAMN CANAPES WITH QUAIL EGGS AND BOTTLED WATER CHILLED TO EXACTLY 5 DEGREES AND THE RED SMARTIES TAKEN OUT OF THE TUBE THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU INCOMPETENT BACKSTAGE IDIOTS.
"I've never wanted something so bad" Cher says, in a monotonic drawl.
"Club classics" is the theme for half if this week, which seems a little tame given that in past weeks the themes seem to have been "murder classics", "butcher classics" and "flay classics while rubbing salt into their withered corpses" (that would be the week Aiden sang 'Thriller').
The judges enter, dressed disappointingly normally.
First up it's the girls (cue general astonishment and a chorus of "I bet it's Rebecca") and Rebecca (cue lack of surprise). Heaven knows how she's going to cope with a club classic seeing as performing club classics tends to involve actually moving on stage. They're going to have a job topping this for the funniest VT of the night award as Rebecca's scouse accent is deemed subtitle-necessary. This week Rebecca went to the NARNIA PREMIERE I HEAR IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE THAT THEY ALSO WENT TO THE PREMIERE OF. Liam Neeson says hello to her, though she turns away before he can add, "Umm, who are you?".
Cue snippet of Chezza being VERY HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE TO HER ACT REBECCA WHO SHE LOVES VERY MUCH AND JUST AS MUCH AS CHER HONEST.
It's "Show Me Love", and while Rebecca doesn't manage to dance she does walk a little bit while singing, so there are definite signs of progress. Her staticness is made up for by the general insanity of her supporting dancers, who've lifted some moves straight from the Wagner Dance Bible, and to be fair the staging does a good job of distracting from Rebecca's innate boringness and nasally vocals. Although the vocals work with the song to some extent this isn't a performance to get excited over.
The buildup of air in Chezza's head lifts her up off her feet while the judges clap. At least that's the best explanation I can come up with. Louis, who as we all know has an aversion to telling us where people come from, announces that "LIVERPOOL should be really proud..." of her. "She also showed us she can sing and dance" he continues. Should have gone to Specsavers. "This song came from Rebecca and we fought and fought and fought for it", Chezza begins as if recounting an old war story. "And it worked!".
I bet it's Matt and Mary after the break. "After the break it's Matt and Mary!" Dermot announces. Unlike Simon, I'm having no trouble predicting what's going to happen tonight thus far.
Up next it's Mary, from Dublin, in Ireland!
Cue bog-standard 'I was in the bottom two' VT. "I need to show people I'm worthy of this and all their voting wasn't in vain". Seeing as you have zero chance of winning dear, I'm pretty sure it was. She's singing "Never Can Say Goodbye (until about 8:55 tomorrow evening)", and it's becoming more and more obvious that now Wagner is gone Friedman has been left to run riot with the staging and dancers for everyone else. It's all very Butlins, apart from the first line which is very horrendous. It improves as Mary gets into her comfort zone of shouting everything, though.
"MARY'S GOT HER MOJO BACK!". Shut up, Minogue - it's bad enough when Louis does it. "I think this was a scene out of Louis' bedroom", Simon suggests, employing that well-known 'don't actually talk about the performance if you want someone out of the competition' tactic that he uses sometimes.
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"Lisa needs braces"
"DENTAL PLAN"
As Dermot reads her number, Mary elects to go for the under-utilized 'Phone fists' as opposed to the more traditional 'Phone hands'.
Curdle time! This week Matt has been DEATHLY ILL, as is proven by a hilarious recording of him at his parents' house being brought coffee by his doting mother. I can only imagine how that went.
*Matt's mother enters room with coffee*
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS"
"Umm, it's coffee Mr Producer"
"MATT IS ILL! GET IT? ILL! WHERE THE HELL IS THE LEMSIP?!"
"Umm, I'll go and see if I can find some"
(5 minutes later)
"Matt, baby, I know you're ill but the public needs to see your face baby! Pull those covers down a little and give a nice "I'm dying" look, straight at the camera.Now hold it - that's goooood, work it baby! Work that man-flu!"
"Here's the lemsip"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? WHO THE HELL DRINKS BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? MIKE, GO TO THE GODDAMN CHEMIST RIGHT NOW AND GET ME HALF A DOZEN SACHETS OF ACTUAL LEMON LEMSIP, STAT!"
Yes, unfortunately Rebecca's VT has already been ousted. This is infinitely funnier - it's essentially an exercise in damage control, "Matt's going to be awful tonight but that's okay because he's ill!". He's singing "You've Got The Love", made famous of course by Wagner at judges' houses. And yes, it's so awful that the pre-emptive damage control was entirely necessary.
"Can I just mention that I had a cold this week... but I don't mention it". Umm, Simon, you, umm, sort of, umm, just did mention it? Plus let's be honest singing on stage for a few minutes is a little more demanding than sitting down and being a smug twat for an hour or so.
Over to Cheryl, and mini-me!
While Rebecca needs subtitles apparently because her accent is incomprehensible, I'd like to make a plea to X Factor producers to add subtitles to Cher to let us know what she's actually thinking and how she's feeling, because her drone-like voice leaves this viewer for one utterly confused. Here, let's try it:
"I never expected to get very far" (meek, humble, as instructed)
"I was there with my mum looking back at the thousands of people behind me" ("wankers")
"I'm in the semi finals and oh God I'm too excited to even think about it" (excited)
"I think sometimes people may get a little confused about what I'm all about" (anger and bemusement as to why she is not universally loved)
"On stage I sometimes come across a bit cocky" (but you tossers watching don't like that apparently so I'm going to pretend to be nice)
"When I think about this song it makes me happy" (happy)
I feel such subtitles would enhance my Cher viewing experience significantly.
I have no idea what she's singing, but she's 'making it her own' by saying "HELLO!" during a line of the lyrics, just in case we didn't know what the word "Hi" meant, I guess. There's a pyramid thing on stage for some reason, and the performance is made infinitely more enjoyable if you imagine the dancers trying to scramble for the high ground in order to get away from Cher's horrific clubbing of whatever this song is. It's certainly not a 'club classic', whatever it is.
Judges comments are dull. Cowell doesn't even pull out the "You've had bad press but I think you're great (for now at least because you're a potential cash cow)" line. Maybe he's saving it for the second performance. Over to Cher - "I'm really happy about them comments, I can't complain can I?" (that bitch Minogue didn't praise me enough, but I must maintain my meek and humble disguise).
"Two words. One Direction". I've got two words for them and you too, Cowell.
They also went to the NEW NARNIA MOVIE PREMIERE OUT IN ALL GOOD CINEMAS AND EVEN SOME CRAPPY ONES RIGHT NOW, where they met some guy called JoeMcBlackberry or something. I guess he must be in the movie because I have no idea who he is... oh! He's done a song for the soundtrack! And look, there he is on the big screen! And look, there's Bowl-haired Spice looking terminally bored watching him!
The boys have been without a mentor this week because of Simon being struck down with the PLAGUE FROM HELL or whatever it was that he said he wasn't mentioning earlier. Luckily Cheryl has stepped into the breach and has apparently helped Smug Twat Spice out a lot with some top miming tips.
They're singing some Rihanna song. You know how it goes by now surely? Here's a quiz to make sure you're keeping up!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then (2) ________ comes in, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (3)_________ people. (4) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (5) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (6) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Answers at the bottom of the update!
Of course one of the last things we hear before cutting over to Dermot opening the phone lines is Simon on his hands and knees licking the viewing public's arse and saying "PLEASE VOTE FOR THESE GUYS AND PUT THEM IN THE FINAL OH GOD PLEASE I LOVE YOU ALL AND THEY'RE REALLY CUTE AND VOTE PLEASE".
After the break, we start again! Hooray!
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) "Refused-to-Dance Spice". ("Asian Spice" also acceptable for one mark and "Zain/"Zayn"/however the hell you spell it/"the token Asian one" for half a mark. "Curly Spice" gets half a mark as it's sometimes him who comes in at this point, but "Harry" gets no marks, sorry.). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(6) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
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