Yes, it's been about 5 years since the series started, thousands of human beings and Chloe Mafia auditioned, and now, thanks entirely to the public vote and not in any way down to underhanded manipulation by the judges and the powers that be we're down to the final four!
We have:
Matt Curdle: He of the blood-curdling falsetto wail of death. Also wears a hat and paints and decorates from time to time.
Rebecca "Turd" Ferguson: Actually quite likeable. No idea why she's still in. Is from Liverpool.
Wand Erection: Imagine the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse found a fifth horseman who didn't really do anything apart from hang around and look smug. Then imagine these Five Horsemen didn't actually bother bringing about the apocalype but got hundreds of evil minions to do it for them instead while they just pranced around looking evil and pretending to do sinister things to impress His Unholiness. Welcome to the world of One Direction.
Cher "Yl" Lloyd: Loathsome chav with the highest column inches to talent ratio this series. Cheryl identifies with her for some reason.
"I think there's going to be a shock tonight", Simon muses. The X Factor getting through a whole show without any fresh voting 'scandals'? Smug Spice out of One Direction actually singing? Cher doing a duet with Shirley Bassey because Simon pre-booked her, convinced as he was that Mary would get through to the final?
Dermot helpfully informs us that tonight there are not only legions of shrieking lunatics in the studio audience, but also in Malvern, Liverpool, and wherever the other two are from! Rejoice!
Here come the judges! Cue the proposal of a bet with a friend that the first words out of Louis mouth this evening are "<insert act here> you're in the final!". He does like stating the obvious does our Louis, which makes it somewhat confusing that he's never called Simon a smug tosser, or Cheryl an airheaded talentless cow. Maybe he has a filter.
OH GOD PLEASE NO THERE'S A GROUP PERFORMANCE I THOUGHT WE'D SEEN THE LAST OF THESE ABOMINATIONS. There's Hermann! And there's Katie, who has pre-empted things being thrown at her by the audience by choosing to wear some sort of battle armour this evening. And here are some people we've already forgotten about and REJOICE FOR LORD WAGNER IS HERE! You might think the Wagster would lose some of that comedic effect he has by miming but if anything it makes him even more hilarious. Oh, the song is that one from "Flashdance", complete with its iconic rap segment we all know and love, performed by Mary... oh alright, it's bloody Cher. She's followed by the other finalists, who unlike the has-beens are actually singing live. It's easy to tell because Matt, well, maybe we should rename him Flatt Cardle after this. Maybe someone's been spiking his Lemsip.
Bizarrely lines open before anyone has actually performed. I can't £hink of a r€a$on why.
Over to Dannii and Matt first! The VT is now-standard X Factor final fare, Matt goes back to his hometown, rambles on about what a great journey he's been on without actually using he word 'journey' because it's been banned don't you know and rounding things off by crying a bit (but these were GENUINE TEARS as opposed to EVIL FAKE TEARS FROM SILLY FOOLS WHO ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY, okay?). Oh Christ, now his dad's crying.
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Dido.
Matt is singing "Here With Me", by Dido. It's rather boring, but it's hard to blame Matt seeing as not even Wagner could make a Dido song interesting. He's still struggling with his voice after his illness last week, methinks.
"Matt, you're in the final...". SHIP THE TEN BUCKS THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Louis is in cliché overdrive, like a man possessed, "You're a very ordinary guy with a very extraordinary talent", "I can't wait to buy your album", "You have to be in the final tomorrow night" (I bet he says this to all four of them). He declines to comment on the actual performance, perhaps because he like me missed half of it after falling into a coma. Cheryl and Simon think the song choice was fantastic. Perhaps they're stealthily calling him dull. According to Dannii, "Nobody has ever worked harder" than Matt has in the last few weeks, which if true is a damning indictment on the human race.
OHGODITSSTACEYSOLOMONSHEISINCOLCHESTERWITHLOTSOFSCREAMINGPEOPLEANDSHEISTALKINGVERYFASTANDICANTTELLATHINGSHEISSAYINGWHYISTHISWOMANONTVOHMYGODTHISISUNBEARABLE
Time for Cheryl to spout out unconvincing platitiudes about Rebecca!
Rebecca went back to Liverpool and cried a bit and oh you know the drill by now. Cheryl accompanied her to her house, where she is seen accepting a cup of tea (but only with one sugar in it).
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Corinne Bailey Rae.
Here's Rebecca, singing "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae, perched on a small raised cylindrical platform, possibly to stop her from moving around too much because we all know how much she loves to roam around the stage. To be fair it's a pretty polished performance, but this evening has been ridiculously down-tempo so far and this isn't improving things.
Louis wants everybody in Liverpool to lift their phones and vote for Rebecca. Err, that didn't work with Mary when you asked an entire country to vote for her, so quite why he's bothering I don't know. Oh, he wants her in the final-final too. That's 2 for 2 so far. The other comments are predictable - they're really pushing her as the "likeable" one this year.
So who's in Liverpool with the horde of screaming scousers? Here's a clue - she's probably the only scouse woman between the age of 18 and 70 who hasn't slept with Wayne Rooney in the past few months. Yep, it's Colleen "Doormat" Rooney! Hooray! I said we were 2 for 2 on people Louis wants to get into the final-final, now we're 2 for 2 on guest hosts whose words are completely indecipherable. The highlight is definitely Rebecca's friend who looks exactly like Rebecca except with lips that are about 5 times larger that hers, and some poor girl in front of her who looks like a young Vanessa Feltz.
Ads. One Direction after the break.
Of course with there being five of One Direction they had to make five home visits over the week. Well, four home visits and one appearance on Irish TV, anyway. Highlights included some frankly sizzling sexual chemistry between Curly Spice and his mum. Oh, and lots of shrieking teenage girls. Sorry girls, Curly Spice is already spoken for.
Hey, One Direction may be terrible but at least we can rely on them for something a little uptempo, right? They're singing the barnstorming, err, "Your Song". MORE LIKE YAWN SONG AHAHA AM I RIGHT? To be fair to the lads there's no thousand-man backing track this time, although it's easy to see why they've had the thousand-man backing in previous weeks when hearing them try to harmonise.
"One Direction, you're in the final". Why is Louis even here? "Everyone in Ireland must vote for Niall". No, seriously, why? Oh, he wants them in the final-final too. That's 3 for 3! Tellingly, not one of the judges comment on the actual performance apart from their mentor Simon, and even he half-arses it.
Over to Doncaster and Tina from Corrie, who seems to have recovered from the trauma of the tram crash and Ashley's tragic and untimely demise a little too quickly for my liking, although maybe making herself up to look like a Bratz doll and diving into a large crowd of people is just her coping mechanism.
Cher after the break, in the pimp spot of course. She has no chance but by God they're trying.
Cher got to go back the the ghetto that is Malvern, of course. Highlights include Cher's brother giving a little speech that he's never going to be allowed to live down either by his friends or his sister, although him copping a quick feel of Cheryl might numb the pain a little I suppose. Oh and Cher unable to believe how many people had come out to see her. Err, looks like a couple of hundred tops, dear.
After the incredible dullness of the first three songs seeing Cher is actually quite a relief, and I never thought I'd descrive seeing Cher as a relief. She's singing "The Clapping Song" which morphs into "Get Your Freak On", or as someone on the Digital Spy forums brilliantly described it, "Get Yer Free Corn". It's clear who the powers that be are with tonight, as while the first three acts got dull funeral dirges, Cher has got the full production number.
"I loved the mix between Rihanna and the other song". Err, Louis, maybe you should stick to stating the obvious and not actually trying to give opinions on performances if that's what you're going to come up with (for the uninitiated, neither of the songs were or have ever been by Rihanna). Damningly though he fails to say that he wants Cher in the final-final, so we all know what he's really thinking. "It's what you do with this now and how you approach people that will shape your future". That's Dannii code for "You're a giant bitch and I hate you".
And now, there follows a short clip of Scott Mills being assaulted in Malvern.
Duets to come! There may have been a tram crash in Corrie earlier this week, but that will be nothing compared to the barrage of car crashes that are imminent.
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