Live Show 9 - "Lemsip, with it's deliciously lemony taste, is the go-to cure for all your cold-related problems. Also now available in delicious blackcurrant flavour!" - December 4 2010 (part 2)

We're back!

And the performance order has changed for no reason!

Yes, up first for round 2 is Matthew, going on early presumably so he can be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip and some throat lozenges as soon as possible. Incidentally the theme has changed to "Get me to the final" songs, again in strong contrast to the "I'm A Nonentity Get Me Out Of Here!" theme of previous weeks. Unfortunately we got no more hilarious video of Matt at death's door in bed with his mother bringing him some Bovril (oh wait, his mother is far too middle-class for Bovril).

He's singing a song I vaguely recognize but can't place, and now might be a good time for someone to remind the viewers of how terribly sick Matt has been this week because everything is falling apart. The best thing I can say is it's probably the illness' fault, as the issue Matt has is an inability to hit the high notes, a problem which he's not had before.

"You are in the final". That makes Matt the 20,984th person to be guaranteed a finals berth by Captain Understatement Louis Walsh this year. Cheryl basically tells him it was shit but that's okay because people will vote for him anyway. "This for me was your worst song" - Simon's forgetting Beatles week, methinks.

Tesco Mary! "Mary can still win the competition", Louis bleats. Men in white coats to aisle three, please. Mary describes the difference between her in her first audition compared to now as "phenomenal". I'd describe it as more "nonexistant".

Oh my, it's "The Way We Were". Of course a smooth, understated yet passionate vocal is required for this song, and as such of course Mary is belting everything out at maximum volume after yet another atrocious start. Horrible song choice, she's doomed.

But wait! Tears! Mary clearly realizes she's sung horribly and needs to pull a joker out of the pack to save her skin! "This is not a time for tears Mary", Simon says, omitting the "...because you're ruining my plans for you to be eliminated tomorrow" that you can tell he's thinking. "You are not going back to the Tesco checkout sweetheart". Jesus, the way they talk about it you'd think Tesco was a third-world country sweatshop manned by slave labour.

"It's not a sad tear, it's a tear of loss for someone I love - a happy tear". So wait, she's happy her mother is dead? What?

Share and Rebecca after the break!

"This song was done by two artists. Bring those two artists together, and it's something Cher would do on her own". So, essentially Ms Cole is saying that Cher is as talented and capable as Eminem and Rihanna combined. Wonderful.

"I've never been given a song like this that has made me feel every single emotion under the sun" (bored), Cher says, in her usual monotone, robotic way.

"I'm a little but frightened, but I'm so excited" (bored).

"Being in the final means the whole world to me" (bored).

Okay, maybe those subtitles aren't such a great idea seeing as it's literally impossible (literally) to tell what Cher is feeling without her spelling it out thanks to her having the most boring speaking voice I've heard since Year 8 Physics lessons.

As hinted at earlier, it's "Love The Way You Lie", and it's awful. Her voice wanders all over the place in some sort of desperate attempt to find the actual tune before the world's most shouty rap ever begins. Atrocious. As flames erupt around her I can't help but will her to take a few sidesteps to her left and mave backwards a little.

"I would have loved to have heard you sing a ballad to get you through to the final", Dannii offers.

"Hmmmm" (deep-seated loathing and contempt), Cher offers in return. What a cow.

Then Dermot comes in and presses the point. "Ballads have been done and I want to bring a new twist to English music" (smug, inflated sense of self-importance). Keep talking dear, you might just talk away your chances of making the final at this rate.

"Next up, with her song that we pray can get her into the final, it's Rebecca". Cheryl seems to be having an epiphany of sorts.

The VT is dedicated mainly to describing how "beautiful", "amazing" and "stunning" the song she's singing is. My money's on "Barbie Girl", but disappointingly it's "Amazing Grace". She's come over a little bit Aiden, as she indulges in adding half a dozen vowels to every vowel in the song, so it's more "AAAAIIEMAAAAIYZIIIIEANG GRAAAEEICEEAEE" than anything else. I'm doing it a disservice because it's the first performance of the night I actually find myself liking. Of course it doesn't really go anywhere but people complainign about Amazing Grace not going anywhere are entirely missing the point.

"You're probably my favourite contestant ever". Whooooa Louis, let's not go crazy here - I know she's infinitely more likeable than the other tossers left this series but still.

"What I loved about it is there were no tricks, just sincerity", Cowell muses. Ironically, it's over to him after the break to introduce One Direction.

"You know what's coming - One Direction". We sure do, Simon.

Sympathy VT alert! Simon may think milking a cold is uncool, but milking the death of a grandmother is absolutely a-okay apparently! Yes, Zain hasn't been rehearsing with them so they've had to rehearse in a giant room in an attempt to replicate the invaluable echo he provides. Perhaps even more alarmingly, Zain's absence means Smug Twat Spice may actually have to sing. Into the bomb shelters everyone, the apocalypse is upon us.

But wait! Lo and behold, Zain returns! With a stupid hat! Yippee! "We've really missed him" Miserable Spice declares, with all the sincerity of Cher telling Dannii she appreciates her criticism.

They're singing "Chasing Cars". Quiz time!

(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (2)_________  people. (3) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (4) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (5) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.

Quiz answers!

(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.

(2) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.

(3) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.

(4) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.

(5) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.

Yes, this was practically identical to the last quiz. Welcome to the world of One Direction, where the only road leads to predictability, and legions of brainless tweens (God I hate that word and hate myself for using it) are running down it. Actually there's a surprising lack of backing in the first chorus, exposing their terrible harmonies somewhat, but the army of backing singers triumphantly returns in time for the second one. Maybe all their grandmothers had died or they had colds or something.

"I think you're the next big boyban- I said that last week". Yes Louis. And the week before. And the week before that. And every single bloody week since the live shows started. "We've never ever had such a good band on the X Factor". Oh Dannii, I remember when you used to be at least tolerable. According to Simon we're supposed to be inpressed that they got up at the unearthly hour of 8 in the morning (heaven forfend, I had no idea such an hour existed!) to rehearse. Yeah, that's how bad things are this year, we're supposed to vote for acts because they performed the immensely brave act of getting up early one morning.

You know what this hideously bad show needed? It begins with a 'W', ends in an 'R' and has a bongo solo in the middle.