Results show 7 - Abridged version - November 21 2010

This will be a very brief summary of the results show because unfortunate circumstances have eaten into my free time over the last couple of days. You see, I've been hospitalized as a result of head injuries sustained by trying to gouge out my eardrums while listening to Olly Murs' performance on Sunday.

Although no matter how horrific that was it was nothing compared to the ritual murder of Bowie's "Heroes". Yes it's all for a good cause and blah blah blah but Christ on a bike the 'finalists' version is awful (I say finalists in quotation marks because there was no sign of Nicolo, FYD, Storm or even Lord Wagner, who had clearly decided correctly that he was above this madness). On the plus side, the charity single provided us all with a reminder that John Yodeleyee-eee and Bellamy actually did exist and we didn't just imagine them. The other highlight was the emergence of a few dozen army-types at the end, although they were unfortunately lacking guns to shoot the contestants with or grenades to throw into the audience.

Dermot and the judges natter for a while, PHONE LINES CLOSE DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING, and we're all set for the results. Katie is predictably called first, presumably so she can get off the stage and back to saving Middle-Earth as soon as possible, and so on and so forth until we're left with Paije, Wagner, and Cher. Please please please let Wagner be saf- YES! VICTORY! Even Louis looks mortified, perhaps the realization that he's going to have to pick 6 songs for ol' Waggers next week has kicked in. Although it's a foregone conclusion that Paije is gone, the fact Waggy is safe coupled with the thunderous look on Chezza's face makes it all hilariously worthwhile.

Paije is singing Sam Brown's "Stop" and Cher, the queen of versatility, the girl who brings something different to the table every time she performs is singing, umm, "Stay". From two weeks ago. Methinks her being in the bottom two was unexpected!

Paije's performance is on a par with his showing on Saturday night and Cher's performance is, well, the same as two weeks ago. Of course none of this matters because Paije could have trotted on and sung a note-perfect version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Cher could have ambled on and sung "Now I know my A-B-C" and she'd still get saved by the judges.

And so it proves, predictably. Simon sends home Paije, Cheryl and Dannii back their acts and it's Louis' turn to be pantomime villain of the week as he, despite backing Paije from week one and being lukewarm from time to time on Cher, sends him home, because of her "stunning sing-off performance". Strange, that.

So farewell Paije, sent home for the heinous crime of being the only remotely likeable person left in the show.

Next week, Cher will be singing the little-known Michael Jackson song "It doesn't bloody matter what I sing I'm going to get an almighty bounceback vote", and Katie will be singing a slightly altered version of the Lithuanian entry in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Until then, farewell, and don't forget to send money directly to Help For Heroes instead of buying that abortion of a charity single!