TONIGHT!
ONE ACT WILL LEAVE THE COMPETITION!
It's week 5 of the live shows, more commonly known as 'bullshit' week ('shock' week is old, the week 5 madness stopped being 'shocking' years ago). Perhaps the biggest shock of tonight is that Shayne Ward is being allowed back on the show, about 4 years after everybody's forgotten who he is. Oh and someone called Kylie something-or-other is here too.
I'd actually managed to blank the horrific visage that is the group performance out of my mind, so it comes as an unpleasant surprise. They're singing Pink's "So What?" tonight and, well, at least they're not murdering a good song this time and there are no increasingly desperate and ageing 'rockers' with them. Aiden in particular looks a little confused - he's probably wondering where all the INTENSE lighting and staging has gone.
Recap. I'm skipping it this week, so my apologies if anything remotely funny happened.
Shayne Ward time! Apparently he's sold three million records, though I'm guessing cowell might have bought a couple million of those in the week to make things sound a little better and to avoid a McElderry-style "HE WAS A BOY", "HE WENT ON THE X FACTOR", "HE BOMBED LIKE CRAZY" run of captions on the VT. There are clips of him singing parts of all of his huge 'hit' singles, precisely zero of which I recognize, but tonight he's singing what I am reliably informed by the internet is a Nickelback cover. Out of all the thousands of musical artists, living or dead, WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE TO COVER A NICKELBACK SONG UNLESS YOU WANTED TO KILL PEOPLE THROUGH CONCENTRATED DOSES OF BOREDOM?
If anything it's worse than the original (yes, for the sake of research I actually played a Nickelback video on youtube and now I feel all kinds of dirty), and the only remotely entertaining thing about the performance is that the big screen makes it look like fireworks are shooting out of his arse from certain angles. When coupled with Shayne squatting slightly and getting his vocals out in a pained manner (much like anyone would do singing a Nickelback song), it has the effect of making it look like he's relieving himself of some pretty damn severe constipation. Then the arse-fireworks go away and are replaced by something out of The Matrix. Everything about this is hideous.
You can download his single RIGHT NOW if you're insane.
Ads, and lines closed! From here on in it's entirely stage-managed nonsense! Dermot congratulates Cheryl on her managing to get her album to number one while still having no discernible talent, and the judges pimp some of the contestants.
"I've got a funny feeling Dannii is going to be applauding this week, it's Kylie Minogue!". Okay, credit to Dermot for that one, that was quite amusing.
Aiden would be proud of the fog on stage as she emerges, although the Pacman-thing going on on the big screen kills the mood somewhat. To be fair to Kylie she looks pretty good seeing as she must be about 300 years old now. As far as the song goes (it's her new single) it's a dull plodding song that doesn't go anywhere, which is pretty surprising because while I have no particular fondness for anything Kylie has put out I don't see how much of it could feasibly be described as 'boring'. But boring this is, not even the men with Pacman-helmets can save it. It seems to drag on for 10 minutes too despite probably being a third of that length, which is never good.
Her single is out VERY SOON. I can hardly wait.
More ads. Result time! Let the madness commence!
All distractions taken care of? Check. Hands clasped in prayer for Our Lord Wagner's continued survival? Check. Let's go!
Aiden safe - kill me now. Rebecca, Matt, One Direction, PAIJE (yay!), Cher safe. WAGNER IS SAFE! PRAISE BE! Ahahaha the camera goes straight from Louis face which conveys utter shock and amazement to the Nation's Sweetheart, who Is Not Amused. Suck it up, Chezza. Katie, TreyC and Mary are left, and TESCO IS SAFE! Finally, there will be no more "the only mentor with all her acts remaining" crap! Can we get rid of both of them please, judges?
After the break it's the final showdown!
Here's 'The Weasel'! She's singing "Please Don't Give Up On Me" and it's oddly reminiscent of that crazy woman in the auditions who ranted on about "Mercy" for 5 minutes. It's another song affected by Katie's musical vampirism and dartboard memory. She forgets half the words, tries to improvise and still remarkably can't make it interesting.
That is, until, in the Definitely Not Scripted Moment of the Week she declares, "Sod it" and sits down like an angry schoolchild staging a protest in the canteen because there's no pizza left. Now she really is having a Shirlena moment. Where are the men in white coats when you need them?
Over to Tracey, and remember John a couple of weeks ago? When I said he knew he was gone and fell to pieces? Tracey knows she's done for too - she knows that there's no way she can compete with the headline-generating machine that is Katie and that there's really no point in this sing-off at all. At least I hope this is the case because she sounds awful.
"Here's the dilemma", Simon begins. "TreyC, you're the better singer, Katie you're the more interesting performer". Of course, anyone well versed in the X Factor's special brand of week 5 nonsense knows exactly where this is going. He sends home TreyC of course, based on who he "as a viewer would like to see next week". Imagine this man in a position of actual power.
"President Cowellbama, we have intelligence that shows Al Qaeda have a working missile base that can be used to launch a nuclear missile strike anywhere in the United States. We have found the location of this missile base and are ready to strike immediately, we just need your word sir!"
"Well that's all very well and good, but don't you think it would be interesting to see where Al Qaeda strike with this missile?"
"I'm not sure I understand, sir"
"What I'm suggesting is that we let them fire"
"But sir, the public outcry would be insane if word ever got out that you knew about this!"
"I disagree, I think the public will be genuinely interested to see which city Al Qaeda fire this nuclear missile at. It's one of the big questions of our time isn't it? "If you had a nuke, where would you fire it?" In fact, call a press conference now"
*Two weeks later*
"Sir, we have word that Al Qaeda is readying another nuclear missile, which will be ready within a week! We have to strike their base now!"
"Yes yes that's all very good, but I think the public will want to see which city Al Qaeda nuke next week"
"But sir there was a mass public rebellion last week when you-"
"Quiet, fool! Let them fire! The people's curiosity demands it!"
Cheryl gets a lot of stick for what follows, her inability to actually do one of the main things she's paid for and judge, but really it's Cowell and the producers who are the real 'villains' here. Chezza declines to vote, saying she will vote at the end and take it to deadlock, but someone clearly says in Dermot's ear that we can't possibly have that because Princess Katie got fewer votes, so he announces if Chezza won't vote now that it will go to a majority vote from the other three.
None of this makes any sense for any number of reasons (Why is Cheryl voting second? Why is she not allowed to vote last and take the vote to deadlock when the judges voting order is apparently completely arbitrary? Why are we still watching this nonsense?), but making sense is of secondary importance to ensuring the continued survivial of the X Factor's automated headline generator. "EXCLUSIVE: TreyC has a big arse" or "EXCLUSIVE: Katie bites head off chicken while rehearsing Etta James song, masturbates while presenting carcass as an offering to Satan"? It was never really a contest. Dannii sends Katie home and it's left to Captain Walsh to 'save the day' and ditch TreyC.
Week 5 delivers a steaming pile of horse crap again, reliably as clockwork. It's Elton John week next time, although given tonight's nonsense perhaps Ben Elton week would be more appropriate.
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