Before all that though we have to suffer through the torment of the group performance and toil through performances from three groups - young upstarts and previous X Factor losers JLS, jaded old fogeys Westlife and Take That, now with added drug addiction! I can hardly contain my indifference.
Here come the judges! Tonight Dannii seems to have stolen part of Cruella de Ville's outfit and Cheryl, well I could write an entire blog post dedicated solely to what she looks like, but 'some sort of cartoon supervillain' will suffice for now.
Group performance time! I have no idea what they're singing and I don't care. Paije is as has become routine really bad at miming, Aiden seems to be taking Simon on in this year's 'most hilarious glasses' competition, Matt's hat makes a triumphant return. It's even more obvious than usual that everyone is miming, aside from One Direction who sound strangely similar to how they sound on the live shows. Strange, that. It's worth suffering through though if only for the bit where some guy from One Direction dances with Mary and of course the customary fantastic Wagner segment.
Ads. The "boyband bonanza" begins after the break. Kill me now.
It's JLS time, and hilarious caption time!
"THEY CAME WITH A DREAM" - this is all looking very McElderry-esque.
"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE" - no seriously they're recycling the exact same captions from Joe's appearance (the captions of course being the most memorable part of his performance)
"MULTI PLATINUM ALBUM" - umm okay maybe we're veering away from McElderry territory slightly here.
"THREE NUMBER ONE SINGLES" - a looooong way from McElderry territory.
"MULTIPLE BRIT & MOBO AWARD WINNERS" - oh okay fine McElderryville isn't even a speck on the horizon anymore.
One of them seems to have a really bad earwax problem but on the plus side there's a chandelier hanging precariously over them - hopefully Rodney and Del Boy were responsible for installing it. They're setting the tone for the evening with an incredibly dreary ballad - it's so horrible and dull that heck, even Westlife might actually sound vaguely interesting after this. Maybe this is all part of Cowell's masterplan - have three boybands on singing awful songs awfully, thus creating the illusion that One Direction are actually bearable.
Dermot interview: "So when is the single you're here plugging coming out?" followed by "So when is the album you're here plugging coming out" and rounded off with "So when are you going on that tour you're plugging?". Yawn.
Recap. Time for a coffee.
"TEN MULTI PLATINUM ALBUMS"
"14 NUMBER ONE SINGLES"
"BIGGEST SELLING BAND OF THE DECADE"
"WHO THE HELL KEEPS BUYING THIS SHIT???"
Yes it's Westlife, Or 'Wetlife'. Because their songs are so wet, geddit? Never mind.
I'm going to call some things right now. One, they will step forwards once they reach the chorus. Two, there will be a quiet bit followed by a stupid key change at the end (which may be when they step forwards if they don't do so during the first chorus). Anyway, Wetlife are singing a dreary ballad drearily. You already know everything there is to know about them if you've ever heard any one of their 89674896 identidull songs so I'll spare you the details.
Oh wow! This is dramatic, heart-stopping stuff! A true shock to end all shocks! Only two of them are stepping forwards! And they're doing so during what I think is the second verse! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Westlife! There's a quiet bit and I can't actually tell you if there was a key change or not because they're singing live and it's hard to tell when their voices are flailing around all over the place. There's also a slight problem because I appear to have fallen into a coma.
"Hey guys when's your new single/album/
OH NO LINES WILL BE CLOSING VERY SOON. Remember you have to vote or else 900 people will be complaining to OFCOM about you!
Over to the judges. Simon GENUINELY thinks One Direction were GENUINELY the best act GENUINELY, Chezza THOROUGHLY enjoyed herself THOROUGHLY last night THOROUGHLY, and Louis unfortunately hasn't been removed from the building yet.
Take That! Cue hilarious clips of stupid girls bawling after the new that they'd broken up, err, broke. Reminder: these girls are in their mid to late 20s now and probably feel very, very ashamed so we shouldn't be too hard on them and also- AHAHAAHA LOOK AT THAT STUPID CHAV CRYING IN HER STUPID TRACKSUIT CRY MORE YOU DUMB COW MUAHAHA YOUR TEARS ARE LIKE AMBROSIA TO ME- err what was I saying?
Oh my, Robbie seems to have spent some time at Aiden's Super Intense Stage School of Intensity. He looks like he's having some kind of seizure. Oh well, at least it's not a dreary ballad. Much like Rebecca last night it's not really that good but compared to the turds before it it sounds like a choir of angels.
"Hey guys so when's your new single/
Results after the break!
Here we go! COME ON THE WAGNER! There's something slightly religious about millions of people coming together every Sunday and praying for His continued success.
Tina from Corrie is safe. Matt is safe. Rebecca is safe. Yawn. One Direction are safe. Sigh. ALL HAIL LORD WAGNER, FOR HE IS SAFE! HALLELUJAH! Four to go, Mary is predictably safe, and finally PAIJE WINS AGAIN. Take that attempted screwjob!
We're left with Aiden and Katie and frankly I'll be delighted whoever goes because they're both awful for entirely different reasons.
"How are you feeling right now Aiden?"
"Buhhhhhhhhh"
Oh God, I've changed my mind, get rid of him now. The Weasel is a minor inconvenience compared with the cringe-inducing awkwardness of watching Aiden trying to sing, move, talk or indeed do anything while a camera is on him.
In the completely pointless sing-off, Aiden will be singing "Don't Dream It's Over" (sorry but I already am) and Katie will be singing "SAVE ME (from myself)". It's only the thought of one of these numpties finally getting thrown back out onto the street that's going to make the next few minutes bearable.
Ads.
On reflection, it appears that I had underestimated Dark Lord Cowell last night. I said Paije was the primary screwjob recipient and to some extent I stand by that, but it seems that Dark Lord Cowell has cottoned on to the fact that the Noble British Public know about the first performing slot being death, and assuming the first performer is likeable enough, will to some extent rally behind him or her.
Thus, the X Factor has become so ridiculously contrived everything becomes a game of bluff and double bluff. My best guess is that just in case the primary screwjob doesn't work the powers that be need a backup option - they had it the week Yawn Adeleyeyeye came on with his funny hair (not coincidentally immediately after Paije Screwjob Attempt #1) and they had it this week, with Aiden going second and Cowell telling him he's certain to be safe this week (SO DON'T BOTHER VOTING FOR HIM GIRLS OKAY HE'S GONNA BE FINE YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ONE DIRECTION OR HARRY POTTER INSTEAD). In a few years things are going to get so ridiculous because we'll get to some bizarre meta-stage where Cowell will know that the public will know that Cowell knows that the public know the tertiary screwjob is putting someone on towards the end and having them sing a horrible song because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the secondary screwjob is putting someone on second and saying they'll be fine because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the primary screwjob is putting someone on first dressed as some sort of fancy pastry item, so they'll have to introduce a quaternary screwjob, and God knows what that will involve.
Typing words helps me get through the pain of watching Aiden and Katie again. Aiden is infinitely worse in the sing-off on account of sounding, well, like Aiden. While Katie can sort of hold a tune, albeit unspectacularly, Aiden cannot sing.
Over to Cowell, and you can see the gears turning away in his head. If he sends Katie home he loses 99% of the X Factor's headline-generating capacity but if he sends Aiden home he'll probably be waking up in the middle of the night to Hermann himself brandishing a dagger and breathing deeply in his face (and if not Hermann then an angry legion of rabid fangirls). In the end his heart wins over his head and he risks painful death by sending Aiden home. Chezza of course saves her act, and Dannii hers. Over to Louis, who sends Katie home after some deliberation. Cowell is probably wishing he had had him removed from the building, well at least he would have been wishing that if he didn't of course already know the public vote results.
Yes, it's DEADLOCK! DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING!
Of course Katie is safe, of course Aiden goes home, and of course yet another X Factor rebellion will rise in the week only to be quashed by, hmm, around 8pm next Saturday. Until then, farewell Hermann Munster, we hardly knew ye. He leaves us with a hilarious parting shot about a voting leak on Twitter or something which causes Dermot to break into hilarious damage control mode, and I'm actually not kidding when I say that that's probably the most positive contribution he's made to the competition in my eyes since week 1 and 'Mad World'.
Well, mini-Grandad-dances aside, of course. I will miss them.
Until next week, assuming Cowell lives that long!
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