Bon Jovi, Jamiroquai AND Rihanna? But how will they squeeze in the group performance, I hear you cry? I'm hoping one of two things happens:
(a) There is no group performance
(b) There is a group performance, and Jamiroquai are not going to perform live. Instead, Jay Kay is going to walk onto the stage during the group performance and just hurl insults at everyone as they mime badly.
Unfortunately I'm guessing that neither of these happen (although (b) is considerably more likely).
Anyway Dermot is here, the judges are here and the contestants are sort of here given that as usual their images are being flashed through on the big screen for no discernible reason, so let's get on with it! Wait what? Bon Jovi are going to be performing with the contestants? Really? Jesus guys, I remember when you used to be cool. Wait, 'cool' is the wrong word, let's go with, hmm, 'tolerable' instead. Here come the captions!
"OVER 120 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD"
"MULTI-PLATINUM SOMETHING OR OTHER"
"GRAMMY AWARD WINNERS"
"WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?"
It doesn't help that they're really starting to get on in years now, and watching them you can't quite shake the feeling that you're watching an embarassing uncle stumble up to the stage at drunken karaoke night at The Dog and Duck. It's drunken karaoke classic "Livin' On A Prayer" too, which really doesn't help matters. The chorus arrives and just like when your drunken uncle's friends all invade the stage to try and bail him out because he sounds absolutely awful, here come the contestants to save the day! The thing is of course, all your drunken uncle's friends are drunk too, and thus the whole thing ends up sounding even worse.
At least Cher doesn't get a rap segment. Small mercies etc. A standing ovation from the judges of course though, as is customary (unless you're Jamiroquai of course. I bet Chezza and Dannii have the custard pies ready under the desk as I speak).
Here comes the recap. Here's my own recap, in a brand new feature, the five-word review!
Mary - Horny devil? Someone shoot me.
Aiden - What's the opposite of Thriller?
Belle Amie - Girl Power's batteries need changing.
Rebecca - Scouser. She has two kids.
TreyC - She's from Tamworth, not Birmingham.
Matt - My ears are bleeding, love.
Wagner - Wagner Wagner Wagner Wagner Wagner.
Paije - Look how cuddly he is.
Katie - SHOOT IT IN THE EYES.
One Direction - Zzzzzzz- did someone sing something?
Cher - Who is this mysterious person?
Now it's time for Jamiroquai! Chezza grins and whispers something to Simon as they're being introduced. Perhaps she's just found out Jay Kay is allergic to custard, who knows?
They're performing some song that isn't 'Virtual Insanity'. It's okay, but we're all only watching to see St. Cheryl of Cole and Dannii's reaction. OH NO THEY DIDN'T GIVE THEM A STANDING OVATION! I bet their souls are truly crushed now in the knowledge that the four musketeers don't approve. Well actually Simon and Louis sort of half-clap but Dannii is just laughing for some reason and The Nation's Sweetheart is just sat there looking unamused and scowling like an angry headmistress. Brilliant.
"Have you met the judges before?" asks Dermot bravely. Jay Kay resists the temptation to say something like "Yeah I met Slutty McTalentless over there at a service station on the M5 a couple of months ago" and it's all boringly diplomatic.
"Get ready for Rihanna", Dermot announces. I don't know what getting ready for Rihanna involves but I have the mute button, some earplugs and a handgun within reach, so I think I'm covered. Ads.
Customary chance for the judges to pimp some acts as Dermot talks to them briefly. By "some acts" I of course mean Cher (although you can tell hilariously that Dannii is trying in vain to resist toeing the party line, as it were).
Rihanna is singing a song that isn't 'Umbrella', and it's okay. I have a vague memory of her being absolutely awful the last time she was on the show, so there's at least a marked improvement. My main issue is with the bizarre 'fancy-dinner-party-degenerating-into-food-fight' staging that has nothing to do with anything. Travis did it earlier and better in their video for 'Sing', dear. Her dress also appears to be some sort of paper-mache construction and the lower half of it serves no purpose whatsoever. She could really use a Cheryl-style ritual trouser-summoning dance like last week because her granny-pants are showing. Of course she gets a standing ovation from the judges on account of not having called anyone an expletive talentless expletive who she'd like to expletive this week.
More ads. Results after the break!
Results! Paije declared safe first, and panic breaks out among the other 'in trouble' acts. Blah blah bla- WAGNER IS SAFE AGAIN! Hurrah and huzzah! Ultimately we're left with TreyC, Katie and Bellamy. Tracey is safe! There's going to be a sing-off despite the fact we all know it's pointless because Bellamy are going home! Rejoice!
Here are Bellamy, singing "Breakaway" by One Direction's musical hero Kelly Clarkson. It's not very good.
Whatever. It's QUIRKY FUN FAILURE KATIE time! She's singing the Etta James version of "Trust in Me" and... oh my. Here's another thing that's annoying about Katie. Because almost everything she does is so contrived I have absolutely no idea right now whether she's hamming it up or legitimately having some sort of mental breakdown on stage. I don't know whether to be horrified, amused or enraged. What I do know is she sounds awful - this is the first sing-off this series that has been somewhat close in terms of quality. If Katie is hamming it up she's taking it a little too far because she sounds like something is dying in her throat.
Oh God the song is over and here comes the flood of tears. At this point I'm definitely veering towards the "it's all a sad act" point of view - is she really, genuinely surprised that she has very little support? I'm pretty sure she reads everything she can that is written about her, as overly conceited and self-conscious people tend to do, so why is this such a shock? If she is legitimately having some kind of breakdown then frankly I don't even feel bad for being so dismissive because if she disengaged 'ACTRESS MODE' for even a few minutes a week it would be far easier to tell. It's kind of like 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' except in this case it's 'The Girl Who Cried LOOK AT MEEEEEEE' or perhaps even simply 'The Girl Who Cried'.
She's not legitimately having a breakdown though, because she is of course kept in the competition by the judges OOPS SORRY I MEAN BY DEADLOCK AFTER A TIE IN THE JUDGES' VOTE BECAUSE THE JUDGES HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE RESULTS WHEN THEY VOTE HONEST GUV.
"This isn't the end of Bellamy!", Nondescript Spice #2 declares. No, you're right, I can't see you girls breaking up for at least 2 hours yet, or whenever the next argument over mascara or lipstick arises.
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