Over to Dannii, and Paije who will be singing an American anthem "with a twist". He's not going to start rapping too, is he?
Paije has this near-constant look of amazement in his VT's - probably because he's shocked to still be here as let's face it this show is all about headlines and "Paije orders two Big Mac meals for himself oh and he used to work in a cinema" is hardly as enthralling a headline as "Katie decapitates herself live on stage during sing-off and still gets saved by the judges vote" (give it another week).
Louis "would like to see the real Paije" apparently. Err, what? I'm pretty sure you've been seeing him for the last few weeks, bizarre wardrobe choices aside.
He's here, and now we can see what Louis means. I'm pretty sure that in Walsh-land, 'fun' is directly proportional to 'number of dancers on stage'. Paije is singing "I'm a Believer" and its upbeat nature suits his, well, upbeat nature. He's still dressed bizarrely though - think an old-fashioned school headmaster's idea of casual-wear and you're not far off. Plus it's a little uncomfortable watching him move around on stage - he still doesn't quite have the whole 'stage presence' thing down yet. There's a mini-detour into "Hey Ya" too - clearly aping the mashing-up antics of Great Lord Wagner, the only problem being that the detour is neither smooth, funny or remotely necessary (Wagner's transitions of course being all of the above, as He is perfection and perfection is Him).
Louis says he reminds him of "a young Lenny Henry", clearly an apt comparison as we all remember young Lenny Henry for his soulful singing voice and awkward dancing. Next thing you know he'll be saying Mary reminds him of a young Dawn French. Meanwhile, Cowell looks over in Louis' direction incredulously and after merely repeating "Lenny... Henry?" as if he's not sure whether they're real words or not he describes the performance as "undoubtedly your best yet". For once I'm not going to argue with him.
"Next up to light up the stage like a glittery firework, it's Rebecca". That's as good as Chezza's metaphors get, so savour it.
Rebecca "loves Liverpool people" because "everyone wants to be someone". Car thief, bank robber, drug dealer, you name it, someone in Liverpool wants to be it. For some reason she's worried about forgetting her words - as we all know that's quite irrelevant and is actually more likely to get you further in the competition if the past few months are anything to go by. Maybe she would just be better off replacing all the words in whatever it is she's singing with "Spam" or something.
She's singing "Make You Feel My Love" (or "Spam spam spam spam spam") and I'm not sure whether it actually is really classy or it just seems classy next to some of the tripe that's been on offer thus far this evening. She probably needs to make a swift move away from being 'ballad girl' for a week soon though before the judges start rambling on inanely about versatility and while she can still get away with a substandard performance (because I think Rebecca trying to go up-tempo would be pretty horrifying).
Oh God they're at it again. "...with all that's happening around the world at the moment you would be the perfect ambassador for this country". Good one Cowell. Seeing as being a scouser nobody will be able to understand a thing she's saying I'm guessing that Simon expects that through the power of song she can solve third world hunger, the ongoing economic crisis, global warming, terrorism, my car sometimes not starting in the morning, and the small patch of damp that's very slowly creeping down the corner of my living room wall.
STILL TO COME! WAGNER AND SOME UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE!
Yes, we're back and "It's the one and only V-V-V-WAGGner". Louis, you're a V-V-V-Wanker.
Wagner's father was a variety show presenter. There are pictures of him and everything, so next time some smug atheist asks you "So where did God come from?" you have half of the answer readily available. "Elvis is back... with a moustache and a funny foreign accent", our Lord dost sayeth. How can you not love this guy?
To start, we have a course of "Viva Las Vegas", and our Lord's dancing troupe are doing a little medley of their best bits from past weeks. There's a second of boob-rubbing, a little kicking, some, err, simulated inner-thigh rubbing and som- err excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.
And there, in the middle of all this madness is our Lord and Saviour, dressed as Elvis and singing perfectly as always. If only the judges would stop concentrating on getting an ambassadorial role for Rebecca and start getting to their knees and begging Lord Wagner to click his fingers and solve all the world's problems, we might just be okay for the next couple of hundred years.
But this isn't even the funny part. For the main course we have the Almighty One transitioning into "The Wonder of You". Now He is prowling about the stage among His dancers, looking for the one who may be worthy of carrying His second child while they all try and look as alluring as possible because goddammit, he's mother****ing Wagner.
Another profound religious question is also answered tonight. Yes, it turns out God does need a priest in order to get married. For one of His dancers has been deemed worthy and just to show that He is not an ancient entity and definitely keeping up with the times He is getting married right here, right now, in a seedy Las Vegas hotel. It's a little disappointing that He is not having His first honeymoon night live on stage either, but we must accept what gifts we are given.
In short, Wagner is hilariously awesome as always and remains the only real reason to suffer through this nonsense. I do get the feeling that Dannii and especially Chezza don't like him very much though - they seem to be getting frostier towards him. Simon gets his "I shouldn't like you but I do speech" out of the way pre-emptively (he's learnt from last year), just in case he ends up having to save ol' Waggy tomorrow.
Next up is Matt. Matt sings a girly ballad in a high-pitched voice with a little falsetto and the judges lap it up. Who would have thought it? Oh, and his parents are posh.
Ads, and now Tracey time! According to Dannii she can sing any type of song well, which is apparently some sort of crime in X Factor Land because you have to have a niche. But not too much of a niche because then you have no versatility. Everything clear? From the tired song choice ("I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing") to the bland dress she's wearing to the staging (Katie and Cher get big-screen videos of themselves, Paije and Wagner get an army of dancers, Tracey gets, err, some clouds and a little platform thing) to the actual performance everything just screams "boring and forgettable". Unusually for Tracey, everything really goes downhill at the final big shouty bit, too.
Simon - "if you have a lion you want it to bite you, not lick you". This is one of the most powerful men in Britain, everyone.
One Direction (towards the kitchen to make a cup of tea during their performance) after the break.
"You know the expression 'Save the best for last'? One Direction". It's miraculous how Cowell manages to keep a straight face while saying this.
Oh look there's a shot of one of them shirtless in the house - teenage girls and pedophiles everywhere rejoice! They're playing table tennis and messing around and showing what WONDERFUL NORMAL GUYS they are. Oh look a shot of another one in his underwear - the only way this could be any worse is if they were to do a duet with Gary Glitter in the final.
No amount of semi-nakedness can detract from the real star of this VT, however. We know that Simon is deadly busy with serious business when he meets the guys because he's wearing some wonderful glasses. The effect of Simon in said glasses in a room with young boys is a little disconcerting - it looks like he should either be teaching them physics or molesting them. Much as I don't like giving credit to a bunch of talentless drones I do have to applaud the lads for somehow managing to not laugh.
"Simon has literally got one direction. One", Chezza says with a bizarre look of satisfaction etched on her face that would make you think she'd just discovered a cure for cancer as opposed to just saying something stupid.
Here they come, dressed in High School Musical-lite garb and singing AMERICAN ANTHEM "Kids in America" (which was of course sung by the definitely-not-British Kim Wilde and reached the lofty heights of number 25 in, err, America). They've changed it up a little this week, it has to be said, crerdit where credit's due - instead of inane grins they're instead giving each other looks of smug self-satisfaction every 5 seconds. They have cheerleaders on stage and the stars and stripes on the big screen too just to show how much of an AMERICAN ANTHEM the song is. The only thing remotely American about this is that a looped recording of it could probably be used to torture prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.
Of course the judges are not allowed to say anything bad to One Direction, so we get the same predictable waffle we do every week, except for Louis calling Simon out on the song. Dannii thought it was acceptable because of the American cheerleaders and Simon seems to think it's okay because the song has the word "America" in the title. Louis is peeved at this point, probably because suddenly he realizes that Wagner should really have sung the Brazilian national anthem and it would have clearly been acceptable because it has "anthem" in the title.
In a gushing of nonsensical praise for the most formulaic and boring act remaining in the competition is how we end, then.
At least things can't get any worse on Sunday, right?
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