THE COMEPTITION STEPPED UP!
I THINK VOICEOVER MAN HAS USED THAT HYPERBOLE BEFORE BUT HE'S RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY!
I SUPPOSE THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE!
Yes, we're back for another helping of the controlled insanity that is the X Factor! Last week in the region of 900 people complained to OFCOM about Cheryl not voting and yet nobody complained about the newly anointed Mrs. Wagner having an, ahem, 'wardrobe malfunction' which just goes to show that flashing your genitalia at ten million people is okay but goddammit you'd better take up your democratic right to vote or the lynch mob will come and get you.
THIS WEEK!
FIGHING FOR YOUR VOTES!
YOUNG LENNY HENRY!
HERMANN MUNSTER!
SUPREME EMPEROR OF ALL HE SURVEYS, LORD WAGNER!
AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE!
"Every single week it gets harder and harder", Louis announces. Look Walsh, we know you like Aiden and One Direction but there's no need to be so... crude about it.
Tonight is Elton John night. Presumably songs by artits such as Johnny Cash and John Mayer will also be acceptable on account of them having 'John' in their names.
It's Cheryl's turn to come as something out of a box of Quality Street tonight, as Dannii seems to have gone with the 'toga' option.
First up for the second time in three weeks (but remember there's no manipulation here folks!), it's Paije! After the delightful screwjob attempt on him in the week that John (remember him?) left, I'm waiting with bated breath to see what they come up wiuth this time.
But first there's more important business to attend to, because this week everyone went to the world premiere of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. The net result of this is that it seems like there are twice as many ad segments as usual this week. Paije met Daniel Radcliffe, who plays HARRY POTTER in HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS THE NEW HARRY POTTER FILM THAT IS OUT RIGHT NOW.
Oh my! Paije was an extra in one of the HARRY POTTER films! There he is, sitting at a table, reminding everyone of an even younger young Lenny Henry! Daniel does a pretty good job of pretending he remembers him too (well I suppose he is a STAR ACTOR in the HARRY POTTER FILMS THE NEW ONE OF WHICH IS OUT RIGHT NOW). Uh-oh, Paije is "growing on" Simon and "he (Simon) likes him". Kiss of death right there!
Oh no. They haven't done this. They haven't. Paije is singing "Crocodile Rock" dressed as, well I'm not sure, but part of me wants to put some sugary sprinkles on top of him and fill him with jam. His dancers have borrowed Katie's hair, too. I have a hard time saying it's awful because despite the fact that, well, it's awful, it's clearly Screwjob Attempt II, even more vicious than the first. This performance is more young Jedward than young Lenny Henry.
"You're like a young Luther Vandross". Well, at least Louis is getting warmer. Cheryl declares that he "made it his own" (DRINK), despite not actually knowing what the song was. Quelle surprise. It's a plethora of wishy-washy judges comments, the common thread seeming to be that the song choice was awful, which it was. Wishy-washy comments are what is required of course because YOU ALL MUST FORGET THAT PAIJE EXISTS IN 5 MINUTES TIME.
The best way to make everyone forget that Paije exists is obviously to put a top-quality act on next. Which makes it all the more strange that Aiden is next. You've probably guessed this by now, but I really, really don't 'get' Aiden. Why do the judges praise him every week despite the fact that he sounds like a skipping record? Why do women find him attractive?
Just look:
+
=
Yes that's right ladies, you're lusting after Hermann Munster and Luke Chadwick's love child.
Aiden also went to the HARRY POTTER PREMIERE WHICH IS AT ALL GOOD CINEMAS RIGHT NOW PROBABLY INCLUDING THE ONE PAIJE USED TO WORK AT, where he smiled awkwardly, moved awkwardly,and occasionally spoke awkwardly. Watching him is like watching a newly-discovered Little Britain character.
Oh look it's the mood-fog and moody blue lighting! Here he is, dressed in fancy Christmas wrapping paper, singing "Rocket Man", and he sounds like someone's shoved a rocket up his arse. He has the remarkable ability of managing to sound completely tuneless yet completely out of tune at the same time. It's dull, emotionless, and just awkward to watch. I keep watching, perhaps out of morbid curiosity and perhaps in the vain hope that one of Eddie Stobart's trucks might crash into the stage, but really this is bordering on the unwatchable and definitely the unlistenable.
"If Elton was watching the show he would love that performance". No Louis, I think if he was watching he may well have killed himself by now. Maybe that's the plan? Elton disses the show, they have a week dedicated to him and everything is so unfathomably awful that the poor guy shoots himself out of pure shame and because he feels partly responsible for this awfulness. You sly fox, Cowell!
"You're consistently good", Chezza barks. He's certainly consistently something, I'll give him that. Cowell has a go at Louis for criticizing him for changing the song arrangement despite the slight issue that Louis didn't actually criticize the arrangement (well, audibly, anyway - you have to account for the shrieking audience in these things). "You have great presence", he says. That'll be the Christmas wrapping paper jacket, methinks.
Here's Dermot for the interview and GRANDAD-DANCE MAKES A TRIUMPHANT RETURN! Unfortunately Aiden then proceeds to ruin everything by announcing that he was "getting his swag on", though. Try to imagine the queen saying "getting my swag on", then imagine something ten times more awkward and that's what he sounds like. Hideous.
Louis manages to introduce Mary without mentioning Ireland, Dublin or a certain supermarket, which must be a first. We are reminded that she was REALLY NERVOUS FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON last week and that's why she sounded so awful and that her awful-soundingness had nothing to do with the fact that she was singing a song that's less than 30 years old.
This is unnecessarily mean but good lord, her daughter looks like an even more hideous version of Natalie Cassidy. Oh sweet Jesus her Tesco's have closed her till and turned it into some sort of shrine. I bet that pleases the shoppers when they're queuing for an hour on Friday afternoon.
She's wearing black again (it's slimming you know) and singing "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?", cruise-ship karaoke version. "The heart and soul of the X Factor" as Louis referred to her is sounding more like the congested bowels of the X Factor. It's not as bad as last week but she's still jetpacking back and forth over that shark. "It was really crap but because you have a heart it worked", is the gist of what Simon comments. No, I don't know either. Mary is apparently more confident this week because her daughter is in the audienc- OH GOD DON'T PUT THE CAMERA ON IT PLEASE DON'T oh thank God.
Sorry. Unnecessarily mean. Luckily Katie is next after the break so I can heap insults on someone infinitely more deserving.
Yes, over to Chezza and Katie! This week we have 'survivor' Katie who also went to the HARRY POTTER PREMIERE AND IT WAS MAGICAL JUST LIKE THE MOVIE IS BECAUSE IT HAS MAGIC IN AND IT'S ALSO REALLY GOOD YOU SHOULD GO AND WATCH IT. There's shots of her mingling with her fans to show how grounded she is and oh my here's Cheryl. "I admire you a lot" she utters, remarkably unconvincingly. "Say what you want, throw at me what you want..." Katie proclaims. Where's a kitchen sink when you need it?
She's singing "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" and it's not so much a car-crash performance as it is an Eddie Stobart truck-crash of a performance. The song is too upbeat and energetic for her to drain all the life from it so everything just ends up in a bizarre sort of purgatory between fun and unearthly dull. Not even backing to rival One Direction's in the chorus can save her, and the closing 30 seconds or so is the epitome of 'trying too hard'.
In the surprise comment of the week Louis attacks the awful song choice (I think everyone expected gushing "That's why I kept you in the competition!"-style praise). Chezza is clearly surprised too, resorting to mass repetition of "WHAAT SONG WUD YEW AHHV GIVAHN ER????" and Simon threatens to have Louis removed from the building, clearly because Lord Cowell is the only one allowed to be 'mean'. Simon takes the mantle of predictability from Louis, declaring that he's "100% happy" he kept her in. Again, on the Cowell percentage scale, that's hardly a ringing endorsement.
Oh God now Katie is invoking the Pride of Britain Awards to show her humanitarian side. Someone pass the sick bucket.
Matt time! Seeing as he won't be able to sing a girly song this week, things could get troublesome. "The song I've given him this week is Vocal Gymnastics", Danni declares. I have to admit I've not heard that particular song.
Oh, it's actually "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and it's not so much vocal gymnastics as it is a vocal rollercoaster. Sometimes his voice goes too high, sometimes it goes too low and he loops and corkscrews his way around the actual tune for a couple of hair-raising minutes and once it's all over I find myself wanting to vomit. Song choice too ambitious, vocal flaws too prevalent, bad week for Matt although he still somehow sounds pretty good compared to the dross that's preceded him. The judges love it of course because he is Saint Matt and he can do no wrong. Yawn.
Cher and LORD WAGNER after the break! Finally, a reason to live!
No comments:
Post a Comment