Here she is, and well, say goodbye to those hubcaps dear. It's horribly off-key to the extent it's barely listenable. Oh, she's singing/ritually murdering "Yesterday" and the best thing one can say is that it's not predictable - she's never sounded this terrible before. It really makes you wonder what the hell all the coaches do to deserve the absurd pay they probably get seeing as pretty much all the acts sounded better in week one and indeed their audition (although we know that the auditions were Gamu/One Direction-esque vocally enhanced, admittedly) than they have this week.
"You so made it your own", Louis offers. He's right, I don't think anybody has ever sung "Yesterday" that off-key before. The words "Liverpool" and "nervous" are mentioned about 4572 times and ladies and gentlemen that's your judging panel!
Up next "She's from Tesco's, and her name is Dublin Byrne!". Or something like that.
Man the harpoons, it's Mary's hideous daughter again! This week Mary will be singing a Beatles song that's also been covered by Shirley Bassey. Oh my, I wonder which version she'll be performing? Here's Walsh with another gem - "There's something about this song and THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY LOOK AT ME LOOK HOW CLEVER I AM NOW LAUGH PEONS, LAUGH AT MY HILARIOUS COMMENTS! IT'S FUNNY YOU SEE BECAUSE SHE'S CALLED MARY AND THERE WAS A FAMOUS FILM CALLED THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY AND SHE'S SINGING A SONG CALLED SOMETHING"
Yes, she's singing "Something" by Shirley Bassey and it's somewhat of a callback to her first couple of performances which is a strange mixture of relieving, boring and predictable. "We need you to do this every time you perform" Danni says. How long before she cottons on to the fact that Mary, well, err, actually is doing the same thing every week? It works in some weeks and it doesn't work in others but that's purely down to the song choice being in the incredibly narrow spectrum of songs that she can actually sing competently.
Paije and DIVINE LORD WAGNER after the break! Huzzah!
Before we start, here are the latest betting odds on which black person Paije will be compared to post-performance this week!
Marvin Gaye - 19/10
James Brown - 3/1
Smokey Robinson - 7/2
Lionel Richie - 9/1
Will Smith - 10/1
Gary Coleman - 15/1
Reginald D Hunter - 40/1
George Foreman - 40/1
Diana Ross - 200/1
Sinitta - 500/1
Ashley Cole - 1000/1
This week Paije is dressed disappointingly normally and singing "Let It Be" remarkably competently. It's the best performance of the night by a mile which of course means he's a goner on Sunday. He loses it a little towards the end where he looks like he's retching, but otherwise it's pretty solid.
Unfortunately for the bookies the runaway favourite Marvin Gaye wins the 9:00 race. Dannii wishes him a happy birthday, although he'll have to wait until Sunday to actually have a proper party.
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
IT'S WAGNER!
The laughs start this week even before the VT is over thanks to some hilarious karate poses from The Wagster. We're then treated to the pants-wettingly good news that this week he will be singing not one, not two, but three Beatles songs.
First up it's "Get Back" and already I'm in hysterics thanks to the triumphant return of the "Who am I, where am I and what the hell am I doing here?" stare. The lyric "Get back to where you once belonged" will take on new significance very shortly, too. From there it's a 'smooth' transition into "Hippy Hippy Shake", where Lord Wagner's legions of adoring young nubile female fans join him on stage and wiggle around a bit in hope of garnering his approval. The best bit is him flying off to his right as he says "Shake it to the left" and then all the way over to the left for "Shake it to the right". Finally we move into "Hey Jude", or "JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW WAAAAAOOOOOO" as it will henceforth be known. Wagner remains the only reason to watch this nonsense because it's the only point in the show where the nonsense is entirely intentional.
Dannii is speechless as usual but unfortunately the same can't be said for Chezza. "I don't usually have anything to say to you constructively", she begins ominously (she could drop the "to you" from the sentence and still have it be perfectly true, incidentally), "I believe you've made some comments this week about me being from a council estate and that I'm just a very lucky girl well yes you're absolutely right I'm very proud of my roots and I'm very very lucky but if I was to give you any constructive advice it would be... to not focus on how lucky I am but how lucky you are to be on that stage tonight".
Forgive my language here and cover your children's eyes for a second, but what the fuck is this shit? "AHH'VE READ AHL THIS IN THA PAYYYPAHHS THAT BAY THE WEEEY AHH NEVAHH TRUST BUT AHH'M GONNA CALL YE OWT ON IT ON NATIONAL TAY VAY ANEHWEEEH"? What the hell is wrong with this stupid, self-absorbed, weak, limp, lifeless and straw-like bitch? Of course all this is doubtless delighting Dark Lord Cowell who is sitting off to the side with the word "CONTROVERSY" spinning around in his head and more pound signs in his eyes, but it's remarkable that Chezza, whether scripted or otherwise, thought this was a good idea, even accounting for the fact that let's face it she is a little bit (read: very) dense.
The best part is yet to come though, as Wagner starts off shakily by using the Sven-Goran Eriksson "I didn't know he was a journalist" defence, but ulitmately provides us all with a complete and utter diplomatic masterstroke by turning the matter on its head and showing Tweedy up for the petty, vindictive little cow that she is by claiming he was quoted out of context and showering her with praise. This might seem a little cringeworthy, but there's just something about Wagner's delivery, an immense smoothness that made it all okay (and the smug expression that Little Miss Perfect has on her face throughout doesn't help her case). Forget Rebecca as British Ambassador, get The Wagster over to the Middle East now and border disputes and suchlike will soon be a thing of the past.
After elation comes despair, and so it's Katie after the break.
Recycled "Bottom two" VT time! "I don't deserve half the stick I get", she wails. That still leaves a heck of a lot of stick that you do deserve then, dear. "I don't think there's a more appopriate Beatles song for her... the title says it all". Ah, she must be singing one of their less famous B-sides, "I'm a stupid vacuous fame-hungry whore who plays up to the camera even more then Jim bloody Carrey and I really should have been out of the competition after my shambles of an audition, or at least failing that after my shambles of a Judges House performance, or heck even failing that at some point when I've been in the bottom two because the public have taken to me like a cat to water".
And here she i-
OH GOD
OH SWEET JESUS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
(credit: the entire internet)
Yes, this week Matthew she's going to be Frodo Baggins singing "Help". No further description is necessary (mainly because I had a couple of paragraphs typed out but then my computer decided to die on me). I might have been decent but it was hard to focus when (a) you're dying of laughter and (b) you're a little worried that the Dark Lord Saruman might appear at any point and steal the One Ring from her.
Judges are boring as usual except Dannii who actually calls her out on the absurd "Real me" crap Katie feeds us with every week and suggests she may have a better career in acting. You mean acting like she's done EVERY SINGLE TIME A CAMERA IS REMOTELY NEAR TO HER? You're a sharp one, Minogue.
Anyway, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (which at the time I'm writing this is actually, umm, yesterday) to find out if Frodo has a happy ending and destroys the One Ring or if the evil nasty vicious Greatbritishpublicman gets his way and condemns her to oblivion. Hopefully the latter, happy endings are so passé.
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