This week, it's 'American Anthems' week, yee haw! As horrifying as the thought of the ten jokers remaining ambling onto stage before performing their renditions of The Star-Spangled Banner is (although the thought of incorporating some Cherap into it is... intriguing), I'm sure what's actually about to happen will be infinitely more terrible. Pass the Prozac, would you?
The intro essentially consists of the other three judges taking the mick out of Simon for only having one act left, and Simon, complete with smug grin saying that he's unconcerned because he "knows what's coming tonight". Let me guess, more inane grinning, overbearing backing vocals, a two-word solo from the Asian one who refused to dance a while back and the one of them who hasn't actually sung a word since the live shows started still not singing? "It's quality, not quantity", Simon offers. Well I'm glad he only has one steaming pile of poo left from the four he started with, but I don't think that's what he meant.
The judges emerge to the rousing tones of 'Born in the USA' (this will probably be the last song that can legitimately be called an 'American Anthem' tonight, so enjoy it while you can). Dannii seems to have come dressed as a toffee Quality Street.
First it's over to the girls (shock!) and Cheryl, who introduces Cher (shock! horror!). Her VT is an entirely predictable continuation of last week's "LOOK AT ME I'M REALLY MEEK AND HUMBLE NOW HONEST GUV" theme, with an additional attempt to throw what tiny fraction of 'street' credibility she might have remaining out of the window by blabbering on about her nan for 5 minutes. "Tonight Shay's goin' tah sing a song that Shay loves", Cheryl says. I don't know who Shay is either.
According to Simon she's tackling "the biggest song of the year", which makes me feel a little silly for having no idea what on earth she's singing. Something about New York, which makes Cher's VT claim that this song is the story of her life up to this point look a little silly. I've never heard of Malvern being called the New York of the Midlands but maybe I've led a sheltered life. Oh and someone who looks like he's been pulled from the lighting crew in a last-minute panic is playing a piano. Cher somehow manages to be flat and warbly at the same time, which impresses me for a moment but is somewhat ruined by the fact it sounds awful. But wait! Now the stage has been turned into a skate park for no reason! And here's someone riding a tricycle for no reason! And here's some random girl who Cher is very uncomfortably putting her arm around for no reason(except perhaps in tribute to Belle Amie?). Watching this for a few minutes makes me worry that nothing will ever make sense again.
Here's Louis 'Trenchant Insight' Walsh! "You opened the show - you closed it last week..." he begins. Thanks for that. He loved the style and staging (which proves that he is insane), but no mention of the singing, (un)suprisingly. Dannii follows suit, again no comment on the actual singing. What are these people paid for again? Here's Lord Cowell, who is displeased because it wasn't "100% original" like last week, which at first glance may seem ridiculous as of course her performance last week while surprisingly decent was by no means 'original', but then you have to recall that the Cowell percentage scale goes up to roughly 10,000%, so I'm convinced that he's actually hurling a thinly-veiled insult at Cher here. He's slightly more blunt towards Chezza, accusing her of being "lazy" this week. The perfect comeback would be something like "I haven't been lazy, I've been busy all week because I have four times as many acts as a certain someone to mentor", but alas Chezza isn't that quick-witted. "Listen to that reaction", she demands, gesturing towards the audience. It's somewhat difficult to not listen to the reaction when it's full of GODDAMN RIDICULOUS PIERCING WAILS AND PANTOMIME BOOS THAT MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR WHAT ANYONE IS SAYING.
Dermot asks Cher what she thinks about the criticism from Simon then swiftly swings the mic away from her before she can get more than three words out. Smooth.
Up next, "singing an American anthem BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S NOT AMERICAN SHE'S FROM TESCO IN DUBLIN, IRELAND", it's Mary!
Here comes the sympathy VT! "I've done pubs, clubs, you name it... I couldn't get up on stage because I was too nervous". Can we stop with this nonsense now please? We've all read the stories about her winning an Irish talent show, which while not on the same level of XF (indeed her 'winning single' shipped 19 copies in the first week), is enough to make one extremely suspicious of this whole "PITY ME FOR I AM A QUIVERING WRECK" thing. Louis want to change her life and doesn't want her going back to "THE SUPERMARKET" (because she used to work in Tesco, in case you didn't know). It's a bloody supermarket Louis, not the Ninth Circle of Hell. Also one of Mary's 'supermarket colleagues' (have they embargoed use of 'Tesco' now or something?) looks and sounds suspiciously like one of Diva Fever.
She's apparently singing a modern song this week. What, even more modern than Barry Manilow? I don't think I can handle such huge levels of modernism! Indeed it is even more modern, it's "There You'll Be" by some woman who may or may not be American.
And it's awful. You know the expression "The song was too big for the performer"? Well this is a case of the song being too small for the performer. Mary was right in her VT when she said it's not "a belter", but she's still trying her damnedest to belt it out and it sounds awful. She's late coming in on some lines and even when she comes in on time there's just an inherent uncomfortable feeling induced by the fact that it sounds like a battle between her and the song (and the song is winning). Mary hasn't just just jumped the shark with this performance, she's flown over it in a giant jetpack. Repeatedly. How and why Louis gave this the go-ahead I have no idea. If I actually cared, I'd be quite annoyed.
Dannii and Cheryl are unimpressed, Simon thought she sang it "pretty well" (again, what planet is he on?). Walsh does that embarassing canvassing for votes thing he does when someone he likes puts in a horrible performance. Mary was "very nervous" and "didn't know why". Perhaps because you were given a god-awful song to sing?
Aiden and Katie after the break. Why am I watching this show again?
Over to Cheryl and Katie. This week I'm not sure whether we're getting Fun Katie, Quirky Katie, The Real Katie, Madonna Katie, Gaga Katie or Literally Gaga By Which I Mean Mentally Unstable Katie, and frankly I don't care. For someone who is so talked about her act has become so dull and repetitive now that it's boring, and the only entertainment I can derive from her is seeing how long I can listen to her talk before I hurl a volley of expletives at the TV screen. Oh look she's crying and declaring that she "hates this". Well there's a very simple solution if you really do hate thi... oh wait it's just more amateur dramatics, never mind.
"She's a bit of a battler" declares Simon. "Why is she bothering?", everyone else replies. Oh God she's making another "fresh start". For every fresh start she makes, a trail of rotten crap gets left behind her, and the smell still lingers.
Cheryl has clearly thought long and hard about her song choice for Katie this week. It's "Don't Speak", because Simon mentioned Gwen Stefani last week for some reason unknown to all of those not currently on Planet Cowell. Katie is singing the little-known 'Good Lord this is dull - why are there violins and why are they playing a different song?' version. She's like a musical vampire - she can seemingly take any song and sap all the energy from it and turn it into a snoozefest. Furthermore she... WAIT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON THE BIG SCREEN? A black and white video of Katie lying down and crying is playing, and suddenly the Met Office springs into action and announces a country wide flood warning - an average of a dozen inches are expected nationwide but some houses are unfortunately expected to be completely immersed in vomit before the next minute or so is out.
Cowell called Aiden's performance of 'Thriller' last week "indulgent" (it was). If Aiden's performance was crafily sneaking a couple of chocolate eclairs, this performance and accompanying video is arriving at a wedding reception a few hours early and scoffing the entire wedding cake.
(and some sausage rolls)
She actually turns to face the screen at one point and quite how she manages to not die immediately of shame is near-miraculous.
You can tell Dannii hates her too. She's all very polite in dismissing the performance, but the look on her face is positively thunderous. "You're not a whinger", Simon declares. I'm beginning to think he's just taking the piss tonight. Cheryl loves the fact that Katie is "a fighter". Too easy.
Over to Dannii and Aiden "Grim" Grimshaw. Aiden is intense. There has been some debate over whether he actually is intense or if it is just a stupid buzzword that is being used in the absence of anything else interesting to say about Aiden. Here is the dictionary definition, which should clear some things up and make some people look very silly.
in·tense
adj. in·tens·er, in·tens·est
1. Possessing or displaying a distinctive feature to an extreme degree: the intense sun of the tropics.
2. Extreme in degree, strength, or size: intense heat.
3. Involving or showing strain or extreme effort: intense concentration.
4.
a. Deeply felt; profound: intense emotion.
b. Tending to feel deeply: an intense writer.
5. Performing on stage with lots of moody lighting, maybe a bit of smoke and some pyro, and singing horrible versions of classic songs in a warbly, disjointed, uncomfortable voice devoid of any real tune while alternating between closed eyes and VACANT DEVIL STARE FROM HELL while trying and failing to smile occasionally. Aiden is intense.
Hope that clears that up. Aiden is absolutely intense, screw the haters.
This week from his VT we can see that he has been having (intense) smiling training, as he looks slightly less like a constipated gorilla who has just had an electrode shoved where the sun doesn't shine when he tries to break into so much as a small grin
Oh no. He's singing "Nothing Compares 2 U" by famous American artist Sinead O'Connor (yes I know that's not the original before some smartarse jumps on me, but who the heck thinks of Prince when they hear this song?). He's doing his best demented David Gray impression, too (strangely I've never heard him described as "intense", though). Part of me actually wants Aiden to win despite the fact he is completely awful because the thought of him singing an album of Cowell classics is frankly hilarious
"And here, with his new single "Flying Without Wings", it's Aiden Grimshaw!"
Anyway, Aiden is awful, but we all knew that already. Some flames erupt from somewhere at some point but my constant yelling of "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" doesn't help. Louis "can't find anything negative to say". How about "it was shit"? Cheryl - "Ahh've sed fer the last few weeks that yer an intense performer (and now I'm going to say it again because I can't think of anything constructive or useful to say)". Marvellous.
Disappointingly there is no Aiden grandad-dance segment this week, so his one redeeming feature is gone. There was a little 'grandad-shimmy' accompanied by the most half-hearted "Woo" ever, but it's just not the same.
Paije and Rebecca after the break. Finally, remotely likeable people!
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