Yes it's time for Cher and time for her to demonstrate her bouncebackability for the 4598th time this series because NASTY SIMON SAID SOME NASTY THINGS TO HER (NASTILY) LAST WEEK. Apparently Cheryl's 5 seconds of advice helped Cher keep her chin up (not pictured: Cheryl's three-day conference with Katie in an attempt to keep her chin up).
I've finally figured out another problem with Cher. When she's talking in her VTs, she sounds like a bloody robot. She has that monotonous 'Design and Technology Teacher'-esque tone to her voice in the VTs - seriously it's like she's reading from a script or something (oh wait, she probably is).
This week Cher is going to be doing something REALLY CLEVER! What, even more clever than singing from the phone book? Even more clever than stealing someone's lyrics off youtube and passing them off as your own? Even more clever than James Corden and Dizzee Rascal's version of "Shout"? Surely you jest?!
Here she is, atop a platform singing "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word". I can hardly wait for the clever twist! For now we have to make do with her droning on in what look like armor-plated leggings while through the power of a truckload of make-up she looks like Tina from Coronation Street and gone on Stars in Their Eyes as Cheryl. Bizarre. Oh here's the twist! She's mashing it up with that famous Elton John song "Mockingbird". I jest but it's okay as article 43 subsection 2 of the Official X Factor Rule Book decrees that as Elton once did a duet with Eminem it's clearly acceptable. Anyway, it's all comepletely pointless and a desperate failure of an attempt to make the performance interesting and an excuse for the obligatory 'rap' segment. For every use of the word "clever" by the judges in describing this I will kill a kitten.
Louis - "It was very very clever" DEATH TO KITTEN #1!
Cowell - "You're 100% back in the game" SCREW IT I'M KILLING ALL THESE BLOODY KITTENS
Chezza plays the "you're only seventeen!" card. I'm going to start killing puppies too in a minute.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S WAGNER TIME!
Finally, Our Lord and Savior has come to relieve us all from this utter mediocrity. For 5 minutes every Saturday night, we get to ascend to a higher plane and briefly experience Godhood. This week Our Lord honored the insignificant Daniel Radcliffe with his presence, and so awed by His presence was the HARRY POTTER star that the only sentence he could form was something involving a picture of Our Lord with a lion. "What was going on in the picture with the lion?" he asks. Our Lord was merely demonstrating that He loves all creatures great and small, that's what. "There's something wizard-like about Him", Ron Weasley proclaims. Well there's His omnipresence and omniscience for starters.
But first, before Our Lord's performance, there appears to be some sort of technical hitch because we cut back to Dermot who hilariously stalls for time. Well, either it was a technical hitch or Wagner has just decided to end third-world starvation, either or.
He's singing "I'm still standing" (after millions of years no less!), accompanied by His wardrobe-malfunctioning bride from last week. It's all well and good, as Our Lord always is, but when it transforms into "Circle of Life" it induces a state of near-euphoria in this viewer and I'm sure in millions across the country. Your friends/parents/partner might try and tell you that the transition was completely absurd, ridiculous, out-of-place and unnecessary, but don't listen to them - they're heading for an eternity of torment and anguish in the pits of Hell.
Back to planet Earth, unfortunately, and the judges cannot find superlatives that are superlative enough to describe His superlativeness, clearly. "None of it made any sense", Cowell offers. We've all known he's heading for some pain in the afterlife for some time now, but that just about clinches it.
One Direction and Rebecca to come. Ads! Don't forget the NEW HARRY POTTER FILM IS OUT NOW!
One Direction are going to be so bad that Simon feels the need to apologize pre-emptively to Elton John beforehand, which is nice of him. They also went to see the BRAND NEW AND FANTASTIC HARRY POTTER MOVIE PREMIERE, but before that they got some alone time with Daniel Radcliffe. If you could ask one question of one of the stars of our generation - a young man responsible for bringing one of the most loved series of children's books ever to life, what would it be?
"How do you cope with the pressure of being cast as one of so many children's childhood heroes?"
"Where do you see your career going after Harry Potter? Do you fear you've become typecast and finding other big acting work might prove difficult?"
"What advice can you give to us, five young guys just like you were all those years ago, looking to make it big in the showbiz industry?"
"Are Robbie Coltrane and Mary related?"
"How fit is Hermione?"
Guess which one of these questions they asked. Go on, I challenge you.
They meet Emma Watson on the red carpet, and with that short hair making her look not too dissimilar to a 12-year old boy I can't help but feel she'd actually be a better fit in the group than Asian-one-who-refused-to-dance Spice (I'm just kidding, she's still sort of hot, but now I know how girls feel when they actually think about the fact that the guys they're crushing on a la One Direction look like they're only just past puberty).
They're singing "Something About The Way you Look Tonight" and it's awful as always - the only saving grace being refused-to-dance Spice's hilarious backing vocals, so I guess he can stay after all - maybe they should ditch the one who grins even more inanely than all the others and looks sort of like the one of Diva Fever instead. Then the chorus comes and you all know what's coming BLARING BACKING TRACK OUT OF NOWHERE SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE FACT THAT THEY CAN'T HARMONISE FOR SHIT. Loathsome. Standing ovation from Cowell, of course.
According to Louis they're approximately the 67th act this year to be guaranteed a place in the final, which I'm sure will come as some comfort to them. Simon GENUINELY believes that this is the year a group are going to win. The boys look happy - they're obviously not well versed in the dictionar of Cowell, where 'genuinely' means, well, whatever the opposite of 'genuinely' is. They're preforming late again, which makes me think they might not be doing as well in the voting as some people think.
More ads before Rebecca, so One Direction were on late again and with an entire between-adverts segment to themselves! God (Wagner) I hope I'm right and they're floundering in the vote and this is a desperate ploy to drum up more support for them.
Rebecca also went to... oh screw it you know where she went. You know that she has two kids, she's from Liverpool, she still has some confidence issues and she's so incredibly meek and humble about all this it's starting to get a little sickening. She's singing "Candle In The Wind" (thankfully not the Diana version or else the Met Office might be issuing another vomit flood warning), and it's all pleasant enough even if it sounds like the point of the song is flying thousands of feet over her head. Compared to the legions of crap that have preceded it tonight (LORD WAGNER aside, of course), it's positively heavenly though.
Standing ovation from Chezza and Dannii! The judges practically cream their collective pants in their rush to gush out praise at her. The nation sighs. I wonder when she's going to stop singing and take her role as British Ambassador to Everything and Everyone more seriously.
Tomorrow night Paije and Katie will be in the bottom two and Paije will go after DEADLOCK (*dramatic red lighting*). You heard it here first (well, given that it's not the boldest prediction you've probably heard it in a couple of dozen other places already but never mind).
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