NEXT WEEK!
IT'S THE SEMI-FINAL!
WHICH MEANS!
ONLY THREE WEEKS OF THIS CRAP LEFT!
This week it's rock week, which is essentially code for "sing whatever you want, much like you have been doing for the last couple of months".
Dermot introduces the judges as "a pair of rock chicks and a couple of headbangers". Cheryl does exhibit rock-like charisma at times so I'll allow it. OH LOOK HOW WONDERFUL SIMON JUST STOPPED CHERYL FROM DOING THAT STUPID SALUTE THING AND THEN SALUTED HIMSELF IT'S NO WONDER HE'S SUCH A HIT WITH THE LADIES. Honestly I worry for the two of them, with two performances per act to get through tonight they might end up ravenously jumping on each other before the phone lines even open ("dial 01364 901 118 if you want them to stop and get a bloody room").
Oh my, first up it's Wagner. Of course now we're at two performances each they can put The Wagster on first and still have him perform past the half way mark, so the powers that be achieve the desired result of screwing him royally while also not having a big negative impact on the ratings from everyone turning off immediately after Our Lord and Saviour hath performed. Great.
We're treated to more of Young Wagner looking strangely like Steven Segal. "The song I've chosen for Wagner... everybody knows but no-one would expect it". Actually Louis, absolutely everyone who's read a tabloid newspaper since the start of the week is expecting it. "I will have no dancers on stage", Wagner proclaims. They're really gunning for the poor guy this week, aren't they?
Yes, as everyone everywhere already knew four days ago, it's Radiohead's "Creep", and worryingly it actually sounds pretty decent, even taking my multicoloured funny hat off for a moment and replacing it with the dour grey serious one. "I don't belong here", Wagner declares. Louis might as well have dressed him in a leotard and have had him come out shouting "PLEASE VOTE FOR KATIE AND CHER AND ONE DIRECTION THEY'RE REALLY GOOD", because The Wagster actually sounding vaguely competent is not going to appeal to his demographic at all. Seeing as most of Waggy's voters have been busy protesting tuition fees all week there's really no need for such screwjobbery, as they'll all be partaking in a sort of mini-hibernation this weekend. Anyway, if I seem like I'm digressing that's simply because I can't believe Wagner actually sounds sort of okayish. The Lord hath provided us with a miracle.
All that we need now is some unusually good judges comments and an endorsement from Sir Simon of Cowell and the screwjob will be complete! There's some random skirmishing over Dannii saying that he "connected" with the lyrics (oh Minogue, you card), with Louis' hilarious rebuttal being "The lyrics are 'I'm a creep, I'm a winner'". The X Factor's rock credentials summed up perfectly in one sentence, and Louis namechecking Thom Yorke who I'm sure he's best mates with only serves to make it funnier.
Mary and One Direction after the break. Insert sarcastic comment about how the performance order is completely fair here.
Simon's clearly been non-stop rehearsing all week - he's naming each of One Direction for their introduction. This week they went into HMV to check out their charity single (I could have saved them a journey and told them it's shit, but they never asked). "When you've got a group this age, you've got to try and make a rock song young", Simon says, unconvincingly.
They're singing "Summer of '69" and clearly reminiscing over the good old days when the five of them were just wee little minus 25 year-old lads. As usual, bowl-haircut sings for a while then suddenly it sounds like about 200 people are singing the chorus. Simon's idea of making a song 'young' seems to involve having some dancers in streetwear wandering around on stage. There's a hilarious part towards the end where there's a backing track singing the lyrics over a backing track "Oooooooh"-ing over the five of them actually (sort of) singing. It's absolutely hideous.
"The competition would not be the same without One Direction". You're right Louis, without One Direction (a) the competition would be better and (b) I wouldn't have piercing headaches every Saturday night (or at least they wouldn't be quite as bad). "I think you're the next big boyband". Why do we have to have a "next big boyband"? Why can't we actually progress with the rest of the world who by and large don't give a toss about manufactured boybands singing derivative bollocks anymore? Simon wants us all to be impressed that Curly Spice managed to get through the incredibly difficult process of choosing a song. More like Curly Spice called his dad and got him to do his song-choosing homework for him.
"It's Mary Byrne, she's singing her heart out all the way from Dublin!" What, couldn't she be bothered to turn up this week?
There's obviously a problem with the holographic feed from Dublin as it almost looks like Mary isn't wearing black. She's singing U2's "All I Want Is You", shouty-and-devoid-of-subtlety version. It's all very Mary. If Louis Walsh says the word "Mojo" I'm going to kill someone (thankfully he doesn't).
Cher and Rebecca after the break!
Quote of the week: "You should actually take being in the bottom two as a positive thing" - Cheryl Cole. Yes it's Cher and the traditional "woe is me" VT that proceeds someone (usually Katie) being in the bottom two. "NEXT TIME WHEN I WALK INTO A SHOP LIKE THIS I WANNA BE BUYING MAH WINNER'S SINGLE". Oh dear, she's obviously been skimping on her "being meek and humble" training this week.
This week Cher is dressed and made up as sone kind of goth-Barbie doll and is singing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" and it's hard to be objective because (a) Cher is odious and (b) I think this may well be the worst song ever written. There's a car in the middle of the stage for some reason, which strangely reminds me of Storm Lee and his motorbike. Remember Storm? He was okay, although he did come across as a bit desperate. I think he would have done better if they'd pushed him as a Wagner-esque comedy option instead of having him unconvincingly bleat out Springsteen and- oh, yes, er, Cher. It's awful, there's a rap segment so out of place that it actually makes the worst song ever written even worse, and all in all it seems somewhat appropriate that a car appears to have crashed onto the stage.
"You're becoming like your mentor". Well Louis she's certainly got the "can't sing" bit down perfectly. "This was my favourite performance of yours" Dannii adds, opting to omit the "...because I hate you and this was so awful that even allowing for the bounceback vote you might actually leave this week" part of her sentence. Simon agrees (what planet are these people on?). "YOU ABSOLUTELY SMASHED IT SMASHED IT WHHOOOO". Ladies and gentlemen, The Nation's Sweetheart.
Dermot asks her if she wants to say anything to the nation. "Just pick up your phone, it's the only way you're going to see me again". Remember when Derren Brown tried to fool his viewers into thinking they were stuck in their seats? That's how I feel now, for some reason Cher asking me to pick up a phone if I want to see her again has made my entire body go numb and refuse to move even an inch. Funny, that. I think Derren's experiment would have worked infinitely better if he had just played a loop of Cher saying that for 5 minutes, in all honesty.
Rebecca next, and there follows a brief period of reflecting on the fact that (a) she was crap last week and (b) she's from LIVERPOOL. "I had to think really carefully about the song I was choosing for her". What Cheryl, does the song have words in its title with more than one syllable in them?
For ageing rockers night Rebecca is also singing a U2 song! Yay for variety! It's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (a decent mentor)". It's better than last week (although having one's toenails removed with rusty pliers would have been preferable to her offering last week), but there's still something missing. I can't imagine anyone actually enjoying seeing her in concert because she has enough difficulty sustaining my interest for the duration of one song. No such problem for the judges though, who are all chomping at the bit to get some Rebecca-worship done.
Matt and Katie next!
Matt has fortunately remembered his shirt and jacket this week, and is singing "I Love Rock and Roll (nearly as much as I love girly ballads). Louis "You're thre most consistent performer on the competition" sums him up really. You know what you're going to get from Matt, and that's competent yet uninspiring background music versions of your favourite classics (usually girly ballads) resulting in him being bizzarely popular. If Chris Martin ever leaves Coldplay Matt will probably be the first to hear about it.
"The mask is being removed". Yes, that's why Katie had her hair cut. I'm pretty sure that the only way to actually remove her mask would be to chop her head off and that's just ridiculou... hmm, it could work, maybe it's worth a go? "I don't have to try to be anybody else to make a good impression" she declares, making her decision in past weeks to be about 63 different people all of whom the public hated seem even more baffling. The most hilarious thing of all is that still nobody seems to have realized that probably at least half of the people who are bothered by her would have stopped caring by now if everyone on the programme had just shut the hell up about "THE REAL KATIE" a month ago.
Oh wow. They're going to have a job topping this for most hilarious song choice of the series. It's "Sex On Fire", which the rumour mill suggests is being performed as a tribute to an unfortunate client of her grandmother's who forgot to bring a few tubes of lubricant along with him. In fact, imagine if you dare that you were that client and that's a physical representation of what this tragic assault on the viewers' ears sounds like. Katie is the 'EastEnders' of X Factor contestants - if you pay attention to the aforementioned soap opera for a while you will notice that the characters only ever whisper loudly or shout at each other, no dialogue is ever spoken 'normally' and that's what Katie does. She loudly whispers her way through the verses then uncomfortably shouts the chorus, and she indulges in the X Factor tradition of Making The Song Her Own by, umm, shouting "YEAH!", "WOOO!" and various other things at random, like she has polite Tourettes.
"I can see you fronting your own rock band", Louis informs her. Move over Siouxsie and the Banshees, it's Katie and the Weasels! In other news it's taken Dannii "Quick off the mark" Minogue two months to notice that Katie might just be trying a little teensy-weensy itsy-bitsy bit too hard. "Only you... could come out on that stage and sing my sex is on fire". Oh my, Simon hasn't just gone there, he's bought a giant mansion and moved in there.
Lines open, and after the break we start all over again. I'm going to need 100cc of pure alcohol, stat.
Monday, 29 November 2010
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Results show 7 - Abridged version - November 21 2010
This will be a very brief summary of the results show because unfortunate circumstances have eaten into my free time over the last couple of days. You see, I've been hospitalized as a result of head injuries sustained by trying to gouge out my eardrums while listening to Olly Murs' performance on Sunday.
Although no matter how horrific that was it was nothing compared to the ritual murder of Bowie's "Heroes". Yes it's all for a good cause and blah blah blah but Christ on a bike the 'finalists' version is awful (I say finalists in quotation marks because there was no sign of Nicolo, FYD, Storm or even Lord Wagner, who had clearly decided correctly that he was above this madness). On the plus side, the charity single provided us all with a reminder that John Yodeleyee-eee and Bellamy actually did exist and we didn't just imagine them. The other highlight was the emergence of a few dozen army-types at the end, although they were unfortunately lacking guns to shoot the contestants with or grenades to throw into the audience.
Dermot and the judges natter for a while, PHONE LINES CLOSE DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING, and we're all set for the results. Katie is predictably called first, presumably so she can get off the stage and back to saving Middle-Earth as soon as possible, and so on and so forth until we're left with Paije, Wagner, and Cher. Please please please let Wagner be saf- YES! VICTORY! Even Louis looks mortified, perhaps the realization that he's going to have to pick 6 songs for ol' Waggers next week has kicked in. Although it's a foregone conclusion that Paije is gone, the fact Waggy is safe coupled with the thunderous look on Chezza's face makes it all hilariously worthwhile.
Paije is singing Sam Brown's "Stop" and Cher, the queen of versatility, the girl who brings something different to the table every time she performs is singing, umm, "Stay". From two weeks ago. Methinks her being in the bottom two was unexpected!
Paije's performance is on a par with his showing on Saturday night and Cher's performance is, well, the same as two weeks ago. Of course none of this matters because Paije could have trotted on and sung a note-perfect version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Cher could have ambled on and sung "Now I know my A-B-C" and she'd still get saved by the judges.
And so it proves, predictably. Simon sends home Paije, Cheryl and Dannii back their acts and it's Louis' turn to be pantomime villain of the week as he, despite backing Paije from week one and being lukewarm from time to time on Cher, sends him home, because of her "stunning sing-off performance". Strange, that.
So farewell Paije, sent home for the heinous crime of being the only remotely likeable person left in the show.
Next week, Cher will be singing the little-known Michael Jackson song "It doesn't bloody matter what I sing I'm going to get an almighty bounceback vote", and Katie will be singing a slightly altered version of the Lithuanian entry in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Until then, farewell, and don't forget to send money directly to Help For Heroes instead of buying that abortion of a charity single!
Although no matter how horrific that was it was nothing compared to the ritual murder of Bowie's "Heroes". Yes it's all for a good cause and blah blah blah but Christ on a bike the 'finalists' version is awful (I say finalists in quotation marks because there was no sign of Nicolo, FYD, Storm or even Lord Wagner, who had clearly decided correctly that he was above this madness). On the plus side, the charity single provided us all with a reminder that John Yodeleyee-eee and Bellamy actually did exist and we didn't just imagine them. The other highlight was the emergence of a few dozen army-types at the end, although they were unfortunately lacking guns to shoot the contestants with or grenades to throw into the audience.
Dermot and the judges natter for a while, PHONE LINES CLOSE DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING, and we're all set for the results. Katie is predictably called first, presumably so she can get off the stage and back to saving Middle-Earth as soon as possible, and so on and so forth until we're left with Paije, Wagner, and Cher. Please please please let Wagner be saf- YES! VICTORY! Even Louis looks mortified, perhaps the realization that he's going to have to pick 6 songs for ol' Waggers next week has kicked in. Although it's a foregone conclusion that Paije is gone, the fact Waggy is safe coupled with the thunderous look on Chezza's face makes it all hilariously worthwhile.
Paije is singing Sam Brown's "Stop" and Cher, the queen of versatility, the girl who brings something different to the table every time she performs is singing, umm, "Stay". From two weeks ago. Methinks her being in the bottom two was unexpected!
Paije's performance is on a par with his showing on Saturday night and Cher's performance is, well, the same as two weeks ago. Of course none of this matters because Paije could have trotted on and sung a note-perfect version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Cher could have ambled on and sung "Now I know my A-B-C" and she'd still get saved by the judges.
And so it proves, predictably. Simon sends home Paije, Cheryl and Dannii back their acts and it's Louis' turn to be pantomime villain of the week as he, despite backing Paije from week one and being lukewarm from time to time on Cher, sends him home, because of her "stunning sing-off performance". Strange, that.
So farewell Paije, sent home for the heinous crime of being the only remotely likeable person left in the show.
Next week, Cher will be singing the little-known Michael Jackson song "It doesn't bloody matter what I sing I'm going to get an almighty bounceback vote", and Katie will be singing a slightly altered version of the Lithuanian entry in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Until then, farewell, and don't forget to send money directly to Help For Heroes instead of buying that abortion of a charity single!
Monday, 22 November 2010
Live Show 7 - "You can take the girl out of the council estate..." - November 20 2010 (part 2)
Cheryl gets "an overwhelming feeling of pride" when she hears Rebecca. It must be nice knowing someone who can actually sing, right Chezza? This week Rebecca is singing "quite a well-known" (read: predictable) Beatles song. Oh, also, in case you forgot, she is from LIVERPOOL. The Beatles were also from LIVERPOOL so apparently the pressure is really on Rebecca - a bad performance tonight and her car may never have hubcaps again.
Here she is, and well, say goodbye to those hubcaps dear. It's horribly off-key to the extent it's barely listenable. Oh, she's singing/ritually murdering "Yesterday" and the best thing one can say is that it's not predictable - she's never sounded this terrible before. It really makes you wonder what the hell all the coaches do to deserve the absurd pay they probably get seeing as pretty much all the acts sounded better in week one and indeed their audition (although we know that the auditions were Gamu/One Direction-esque vocally enhanced, admittedly) than they have this week.
"You so made it your own", Louis offers. He's right, I don't think anybody has ever sung "Yesterday" that off-key before. The words "Liverpool" and "nervous" are mentioned about 4572 times and ladies and gentlemen that's your judging panel!
Up next "She's from Tesco's, and her name is Dublin Byrne!". Or something like that.
Man the harpoons, it's Mary's hideous daughter again! This week Mary will be singing a Beatles song that's also been covered by Shirley Bassey. Oh my, I wonder which version she'll be performing? Here's Walsh with another gem - "There's something about this song and THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY LOOK AT ME LOOK HOW CLEVER I AM NOW LAUGH PEONS, LAUGH AT MY HILARIOUS COMMENTS! IT'S FUNNY YOU SEE BECAUSE SHE'S CALLED MARY AND THERE WAS A FAMOUS FILM CALLED THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY AND SHE'S SINGING A SONG CALLED SOMETHING"
Yes, she's singing "Something" by Shirley Bassey and it's somewhat of a callback to her first couple of performances which is a strange mixture of relieving, boring and predictable. "We need you to do this every time you perform" Danni says. How long before she cottons on to the fact that Mary, well, err, actually is doing the same thing every week? It works in some weeks and it doesn't work in others but that's purely down to the song choice being in the incredibly narrow spectrum of songs that she can actually sing competently.
Paije and DIVINE LORD WAGNER after the break! Huzzah!
Before we start, here are the latest betting odds on which black person Paije will be compared to post-performance this week!
Marvin Gaye - 19/10
James Brown - 3/1
Smokey Robinson - 7/2
Lionel Richie - 9/1
Will Smith - 10/1
Gary Coleman - 15/1
Reginald D Hunter - 40/1
George Foreman - 40/1
Diana Ross - 200/1
Sinitta - 500/1
Ashley Cole - 1000/1
This week Paije is dressed disappointingly normally and singing "Let It Be" remarkably competently. It's the best performance of the night by a mile which of course means he's a goner on Sunday. He loses it a little towards the end where he looks like he's retching, but otherwise it's pretty solid.
Unfortunately for the bookies the runaway favourite Marvin Gaye wins the 9:00 race. Dannii wishes him a happy birthday, although he'll have to wait until Sunday to actually have a proper party.
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
IT'S WAGNER!
The laughs start this week even before the VT is over thanks to some hilarious karate poses from The Wagster. We're then treated to the pants-wettingly good news that this week he will be singing not one, not two, but three Beatles songs.
First up it's "Get Back" and already I'm in hysterics thanks to the triumphant return of the "Who am I, where am I and what the hell am I doing here?" stare. The lyric "Get back to where you once belonged" will take on new significance very shortly, too. From there it's a 'smooth' transition into "Hippy Hippy Shake", where Lord Wagner's legions of adoring young nubile female fans join him on stage and wiggle around a bit in hope of garnering his approval. The best bit is him flying off to his right as he says "Shake it to the left" and then all the way over to the left for "Shake it to the right". Finally we move into "Hey Jude", or "JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW WAAAAAOOOOOO" as it will henceforth be known. Wagner remains the only reason to watch this nonsense because it's the only point in the show where the nonsense is entirely intentional.
Dannii is speechless as usual but unfortunately the same can't be said for Chezza. "I don't usually have anything to say to you constructively", she begins ominously (she could drop the "to you" from the sentence and still have it be perfectly true, incidentally), "I believe you've made some comments this week about me being from a council estate and that I'm just a very lucky girl well yes you're absolutely right I'm very proud of my roots and I'm very very lucky but if I was to give you any constructive advice it would be... to not focus on how lucky I am but how lucky you are to be on that stage tonight".
Forgive my language here and cover your children's eyes for a second, but what the fuck is this shit? "AHH'VE READ AHL THIS IN THA PAYYYPAHHS THAT BAY THE WEEEY AHH NEVAHH TRUST BUT AHH'M GONNA CALL YE OWT ON IT ON NATIONAL TAY VAY ANEHWEEEH"? What the hell is wrong with this stupid, self-absorbed, weak, limp, lifeless and straw-like bitch? Of course all this is doubtless delighting Dark Lord Cowell who is sitting off to the side with the word "CONTROVERSY" spinning around in his head and more pound signs in his eyes, but it's remarkable that Chezza, whether scripted or otherwise, thought this was a good idea, even accounting for the fact that let's face it she is a little bit (read: very) dense.
The best part is yet to come though, as Wagner starts off shakily by using the Sven-Goran Eriksson "I didn't know he was a journalist" defence, but ulitmately provides us all with a complete and utter diplomatic masterstroke by turning the matter on its head and showing Tweedy up for the petty, vindictive little cow that she is by claiming he was quoted out of context and showering her with praise. This might seem a little cringeworthy, but there's just something about Wagner's delivery, an immense smoothness that made it all okay (and the smug expression that Little Miss Perfect has on her face throughout doesn't help her case). Forget Rebecca as British Ambassador, get The Wagster over to the Middle East now and border disputes and suchlike will soon be a thing of the past.
After elation comes despair, and so it's Katie after the break.
Recycled "Bottom two" VT time! "I don't deserve half the stick I get", she wails. That still leaves a heck of a lot of stick that you do deserve then, dear. "I don't think there's a more appopriate Beatles song for her... the title says it all". Ah, she must be singing one of their less famous B-sides, "I'm a stupid vacuous fame-hungry whore who plays up to the camera even more then Jim bloody Carrey and I really should have been out of the competition after my shambles of an audition, or at least failing that after my shambles of a Judges House performance, or heck even failing that at some point when I've been in the bottom two because the public have taken to me like a cat to water".
And here she i-
OH GOD
OH SWEET JESUS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
(credit: the entire internet)
Yes, this week Matthew she's going to be Frodo Baggins singing "Help". No further description is necessary (mainly because I had a couple of paragraphs typed out but then my computer decided to die on me). I might have been decent but it was hard to focus when (a) you're dying of laughter and (b) you're a little worried that the Dark Lord Saruman might appear at any point and steal the One Ring from her.
Judges are boring as usual except Dannii who actually calls her out on the absurd "Real me" crap Katie feeds us with every week and suggests she may have a better career in acting. You mean acting like she's done EVERY SINGLE TIME A CAMERA IS REMOTELY NEAR TO HER? You're a sharp one, Minogue.
Anyway, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (which at the time I'm writing this is actually, umm, yesterday) to find out if Frodo has a happy ending and destroys the One Ring or if the evil nasty vicious Greatbritishpublicman gets his way and condemns her to oblivion. Hopefully the latter, happy endings are so passé.
Here she is, and well, say goodbye to those hubcaps dear. It's horribly off-key to the extent it's barely listenable. Oh, she's singing/ritually murdering "Yesterday" and the best thing one can say is that it's not predictable - she's never sounded this terrible before. It really makes you wonder what the hell all the coaches do to deserve the absurd pay they probably get seeing as pretty much all the acts sounded better in week one and indeed their audition (although we know that the auditions were Gamu/One Direction-esque vocally enhanced, admittedly) than they have this week.
"You so made it your own", Louis offers. He's right, I don't think anybody has ever sung "Yesterday" that off-key before. The words "Liverpool" and "nervous" are mentioned about 4572 times and ladies and gentlemen that's your judging panel!
Up next "She's from Tesco's, and her name is Dublin Byrne!". Or something like that.
Man the harpoons, it's Mary's hideous daughter again! This week Mary will be singing a Beatles song that's also been covered by Shirley Bassey. Oh my, I wonder which version she'll be performing? Here's Walsh with another gem - "There's something about this song and THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY LOOK AT ME LOOK HOW CLEVER I AM NOW LAUGH PEONS, LAUGH AT MY HILARIOUS COMMENTS! IT'S FUNNY YOU SEE BECAUSE SHE'S CALLED MARY AND THERE WAS A FAMOUS FILM CALLED THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY AND SHE'S SINGING A SONG CALLED SOMETHING"
Yes, she's singing "Something" by Shirley Bassey and it's somewhat of a callback to her first couple of performances which is a strange mixture of relieving, boring and predictable. "We need you to do this every time you perform" Danni says. How long before she cottons on to the fact that Mary, well, err, actually is doing the same thing every week? It works in some weeks and it doesn't work in others but that's purely down to the song choice being in the incredibly narrow spectrum of songs that she can actually sing competently.
Paije and DIVINE LORD WAGNER after the break! Huzzah!
Before we start, here are the latest betting odds on which black person Paije will be compared to post-performance this week!
Marvin Gaye - 19/10
James Brown - 3/1
Smokey Robinson - 7/2
Lionel Richie - 9/1
Will Smith - 10/1
Gary Coleman - 15/1
Reginald D Hunter - 40/1
George Foreman - 40/1
Diana Ross - 200/1
Sinitta - 500/1
Ashley Cole - 1000/1
This week Paije is dressed disappointingly normally and singing "Let It Be" remarkably competently. It's the best performance of the night by a mile which of course means he's a goner on Sunday. He loses it a little towards the end where he looks like he's retching, but otherwise it's pretty solid.
Unfortunately for the bookies the runaway favourite Marvin Gaye wins the 9:00 race. Dannii wishes him a happy birthday, although he'll have to wait until Sunday to actually have a proper party.
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
IT'S WAGNER!
The laughs start this week even before the VT is over thanks to some hilarious karate poses from The Wagster. We're then treated to the pants-wettingly good news that this week he will be singing not one, not two, but three Beatles songs.
First up it's "Get Back" and already I'm in hysterics thanks to the triumphant return of the "Who am I, where am I and what the hell am I doing here?" stare. The lyric "Get back to where you once belonged" will take on new significance very shortly, too. From there it's a 'smooth' transition into "Hippy Hippy Shake", where Lord Wagner's legions of adoring young nubile female fans join him on stage and wiggle around a bit in hope of garnering his approval. The best bit is him flying off to his right as he says "Shake it to the left" and then all the way over to the left for "Shake it to the right". Finally we move into "Hey Jude", or "JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW WAAAAAOOOOOO" as it will henceforth be known. Wagner remains the only reason to watch this nonsense because it's the only point in the show where the nonsense is entirely intentional.
Dannii is speechless as usual but unfortunately the same can't be said for Chezza. "I don't usually have anything to say to you constructively", she begins ominously (she could drop the "to you" from the sentence and still have it be perfectly true, incidentally), "I believe you've made some comments this week about me being from a council estate and that I'm just a very lucky girl well yes you're absolutely right I'm very proud of my roots and I'm very very lucky but if I was to give you any constructive advice it would be... to not focus on how lucky I am but how lucky you are to be on that stage tonight".
Forgive my language here and cover your children's eyes for a second, but what the fuck is this shit? "AHH'VE READ AHL THIS IN THA PAYYYPAHHS THAT BAY THE WEEEY AHH NEVAHH TRUST BUT AHH'M GONNA CALL YE OWT ON IT ON NATIONAL TAY VAY ANEHWEEEH"? What the hell is wrong with this stupid, self-absorbed, weak, limp, lifeless and straw-like bitch? Of course all this is doubtless delighting Dark Lord Cowell who is sitting off to the side with the word "CONTROVERSY" spinning around in his head and more pound signs in his eyes, but it's remarkable that Chezza, whether scripted or otherwise, thought this was a good idea, even accounting for the fact that let's face it she is a little bit (read: very) dense.
The best part is yet to come though, as Wagner starts off shakily by using the Sven-Goran Eriksson "I didn't know he was a journalist" defence, but ulitmately provides us all with a complete and utter diplomatic masterstroke by turning the matter on its head and showing Tweedy up for the petty, vindictive little cow that she is by claiming he was quoted out of context and showering her with praise. This might seem a little cringeworthy, but there's just something about Wagner's delivery, an immense smoothness that made it all okay (and the smug expression that Little Miss Perfect has on her face throughout doesn't help her case). Forget Rebecca as British Ambassador, get The Wagster over to the Middle East now and border disputes and suchlike will soon be a thing of the past.
After elation comes despair, and so it's Katie after the break.
Recycled "Bottom two" VT time! "I don't deserve half the stick I get", she wails. That still leaves a heck of a lot of stick that you do deserve then, dear. "I don't think there's a more appopriate Beatles song for her... the title says it all". Ah, she must be singing one of their less famous B-sides, "I'm a stupid vacuous fame-hungry whore who plays up to the camera even more then Jim bloody Carrey and I really should have been out of the competition after my shambles of an audition, or at least failing that after my shambles of a Judges House performance, or heck even failing that at some point when I've been in the bottom two because the public have taken to me like a cat to water".
And here she i-
OH GOD
OH SWEET JESUS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
(credit: the entire internet)
Yes, this week Matthew she's going to be Frodo Baggins singing "Help". No further description is necessary (mainly because I had a couple of paragraphs typed out but then my computer decided to die on me). I might have been decent but it was hard to focus when (a) you're dying of laughter and (b) you're a little worried that the Dark Lord Saruman might appear at any point and steal the One Ring from her.
Judges are boring as usual except Dannii who actually calls her out on the absurd "Real me" crap Katie feeds us with every week and suggests she may have a better career in acting. You mean acting like she's done EVERY SINGLE TIME A CAMERA IS REMOTELY NEAR TO HER? You're a sharp one, Minogue.
Anyway, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (which at the time I'm writing this is actually, umm, yesterday) to find out if Frodo has a happy ending and destroys the One Ring or if the evil nasty vicious Greatbritishpublicman gets his way and condemns her to oblivion. Hopefully the latter, happy endings are so passé.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Live Show 7 - "You can take the girl out of the council estate..." - November 20 2010 (part 1)
With each passing week, this author's will to live recedes further. Thanks to last week, we're denied of one of the few things that made the show worthwhile, the comedy stylings and infinite mockability of Aiden.
LAST WEEK
THE COMEPTITION WAS ELECTRIC
AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE FEW THOUSAND VOLTS SHOT UP AIDEN'S ARSE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS SMILING
Okay, sorry, I had to get one last dig in there.
"There's no messing around - there's no second chances", Chezza mumbles, somehow managing to keep a straight face considering that last week undisputably confirmed that Weasels have more lives than cats.
It's the X Factor Beatles night tonight. The Beatles were and are mere humans, not cats or weasels, which is unfortunate considering that they're probably going to be murdered at least half a dozen times tonight. The judges are introduced as "Four twisted people who love to shout" which is quite pathetic although at least Dermot didn't use a predictable "Fab Four" line, I suppose. Tonight Cheryl has come dressed in gold chain-mail armor or something - something like you'd imagine a heroine on a fantasy book cover or video game looking like when you can't help but look and think "How the hell is that armor supposed to protect her from anything?".
But first a video message from Macca, who looks more and more like a bizarre hybrid of Jigsaw and Roy Hodgson as time passes. He's "expecting great things" although if you look closely you can see the cyanide pills on the table behind him.
First up it's the boys (again) and over to Dannii, who introduces Matt. At least I assume that's what she's doing - it seems the audience are even more deafening than usual this week.
Matt is possibly the only male person in the country who is sad that Aiden left last week. He's also going to try something new tonight, although nobody points out that he's obviously going to have to try something new because there aren't any Beatles songs with hilariously girly vocals.
Here he is! He's apparently gone for a sexy look this week to try and get some of Aiden's cast-off votes. Unfortunately this 'sexy' look fails at the first hurdle and the vest he's wearing makes him look, well, more Rab C Nesbitt or Jack Duckworth than George Clooney or even just 'generic cute builder'. He's singing "Come Together" in what is possibly the most hilarious put-on voice of the live shows so far. Dannii has obviously told him to go out and show what a great big masculine man he is and he's taken it not so much a few steps to far as a few storeys too far. It's his worst performance by a mile.
Again it's hard to hear Louis over the crowd. "There was something missing from the performance tonight", he offers. Yeah, a shirt. Oh screw you Cowell, I called dibs on that gag. There's some waffling from Simon and Dannii about him being dragged to and from various places but it's all very uninteresting and predictably lacking in actual criticism for what was a horrid performance.
"You looked like you were REALLY enjoying yourself" Dermot says to him, clearly referencing the scantily-clad dancing girls. "I'd love to say I was in my element but..." Matt tails off in response. I think he might be trying to tell us he's gay.
After the break it's "The Pocket Rocket" Cher and "Five Small Buttplugs" One Direction. Lord, have mercy.
Bloody hell, even Cher's VT's are starting to look like music videos now, given the unnecessary time-lapse segment of her just being a normal girl in her room to show how normal a normal girl she is. "This week I've given Cher a song that I think the new generation need to hear". Oh no, she's going to do "Hey Jude" with a rap isn't she?
She's perched half-way up a spiral staircase that leads nowhere, which is actually quite a clever metaphor for her performance of "Imagine". If the staircase wobbled intermittently and occasionally spewed forth torrents of vomit and projected images of John Lennon's corpse spinning in the earth so quickly that by the end of the song it's actually drilled its way through to Australia then the metaphor would be even better. Yes, her performance goes nowhere which wouldn't be that much of an issue of it were in a pleasant place to begin with but it's so shaky I can't help but wonder if someone is underneath giving the staircase a few stealthy nudges at times.
From a starting position as one of the favourites she could be in trouble tomorrow. It was that bad.
"There was no rap and no choir", Walsh says, as if it were a bad thing, although his "Lazy performance" critique is more on the mark. Here's Cowell with the first "There have been a lot of stories about you..." monologue, now another bona fide addition to the X Factor drinking game. He also apparently met some little girls in rehearsals who look up to Cher as a role model. Society is doomed.
"How do you feel?" Dermot asks Cher. "Uhh I don't know", she replies awkwardly. Clearly she's trying to pick up some of Aiden's votes too.
Simon can't stop himself from bursting into laughter as he introduces One Direction as "Five talented boys". They went to watch the England match but unfortunately didn't die of shame as most of England's football fans did. I suppose week after week of being praised for their crap performances has caused them to develop some kind of immunity to shame. Rio Ferdinand in particular looked delighted to meet them (italics indicate sarcasm in this case). They also- OH NO THE IRISH ONE IS WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT STOP THE PRESS AND BRING BACK HANGING IMMEDIATELY (caps indicate sarcasm in this case).
Curly Spice is "personally a massive fan of The Beatles". What, even more of a fan than you are of your musical hero Kelly Clarkson? Cowell - "Can they shine this week? One hundred, billion percent". Note the absence of a "yes" or "no".
Anyway, they're all stood atop a platform, Bowl-Haired Spice sings a bit, Looks A Bit Like One of Diva Fever Spice shoots the camera a look of smug self-satisfaction, Awkward Asian Spice (who has assumed Aiden's mantle as 'the competition's most awkward person when a camera is focused on them' with aplomb) looks on awkwardly and ooohs and aaahs a bit, the backing track does a sterling job of the chorus and the judges universally prais- oh screw it you all know how this goes by now.
Rebecca and Mary after the break. Predictability is going to be a recurring theme for the next quarter of an hour or so, methinks.
LAST WEEK
THE COMEPTITION WAS ELECTRIC
AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE FEW THOUSAND VOLTS SHOT UP AIDEN'S ARSE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS SMILING
Okay, sorry, I had to get one last dig in there.
"There's no messing around - there's no second chances", Chezza mumbles, somehow managing to keep a straight face considering that last week undisputably confirmed that Weasels have more lives than cats.
It's the X Factor Beatles night tonight. The Beatles were and are mere humans, not cats or weasels, which is unfortunate considering that they're probably going to be murdered at least half a dozen times tonight. The judges are introduced as "Four twisted people who love to shout" which is quite pathetic although at least Dermot didn't use a predictable "Fab Four" line, I suppose. Tonight Cheryl has come dressed in gold chain-mail armor or something - something like you'd imagine a heroine on a fantasy book cover or video game looking like when you can't help but look and think "How the hell is that armor supposed to protect her from anything?".
But first a video message from Macca, who looks more and more like a bizarre hybrid of Jigsaw and Roy Hodgson as time passes. He's "expecting great things" although if you look closely you can see the cyanide pills on the table behind him.
First up it's the boys (again) and over to Dannii, who introduces Matt. At least I assume that's what she's doing - it seems the audience are even more deafening than usual this week.
Matt is possibly the only male person in the country who is sad that Aiden left last week. He's also going to try something new tonight, although nobody points out that he's obviously going to have to try something new because there aren't any Beatles songs with hilariously girly vocals.
Here he is! He's apparently gone for a sexy look this week to try and get some of Aiden's cast-off votes. Unfortunately this 'sexy' look fails at the first hurdle and the vest he's wearing makes him look, well, more Rab C Nesbitt or Jack Duckworth than George Clooney or even just 'generic cute builder'. He's singing "Come Together" in what is possibly the most hilarious put-on voice of the live shows so far. Dannii has obviously told him to go out and show what a great big masculine man he is and he's taken it not so much a few steps to far as a few storeys too far. It's his worst performance by a mile.
Again it's hard to hear Louis over the crowd. "There was something missing from the performance tonight", he offers. Yeah, a shirt. Oh screw you Cowell, I called dibs on that gag. There's some waffling from Simon and Dannii about him being dragged to and from various places but it's all very uninteresting and predictably lacking in actual criticism for what was a horrid performance.
"You looked like you were REALLY enjoying yourself" Dermot says to him, clearly referencing the scantily-clad dancing girls. "I'd love to say I was in my element but..." Matt tails off in response. I think he might be trying to tell us he's gay.
After the break it's "The Pocket Rocket" Cher and "Five Small Buttplugs" One Direction. Lord, have mercy.
Bloody hell, even Cher's VT's are starting to look like music videos now, given the unnecessary time-lapse segment of her just being a normal girl in her room to show how normal a normal girl she is. "This week I've given Cher a song that I think the new generation need to hear". Oh no, she's going to do "Hey Jude" with a rap isn't she?
She's perched half-way up a spiral staircase that leads nowhere, which is actually quite a clever metaphor for her performance of "Imagine". If the staircase wobbled intermittently and occasionally spewed forth torrents of vomit and projected images of John Lennon's corpse spinning in the earth so quickly that by the end of the song it's actually drilled its way through to Australia then the metaphor would be even better. Yes, her performance goes nowhere which wouldn't be that much of an issue of it were in a pleasant place to begin with but it's so shaky I can't help but wonder if someone is underneath giving the staircase a few stealthy nudges at times.
From a starting position as one of the favourites she could be in trouble tomorrow. It was that bad.
"There was no rap and no choir", Walsh says, as if it were a bad thing, although his "Lazy performance" critique is more on the mark. Here's Cowell with the first "There have been a lot of stories about you..." monologue, now another bona fide addition to the X Factor drinking game. He also apparently met some little girls in rehearsals who look up to Cher as a role model. Society is doomed.
"How do you feel?" Dermot asks Cher. "Uhh I don't know", she replies awkwardly. Clearly she's trying to pick up some of Aiden's votes too.
Simon can't stop himself from bursting into laughter as he introduces One Direction as "Five talented boys". They went to watch the England match but unfortunately didn't die of shame as most of England's football fans did. I suppose week after week of being praised for their crap performances has caused them to develop some kind of immunity to shame. Rio Ferdinand in particular looked delighted to meet them (italics indicate sarcasm in this case). They also- OH NO THE IRISH ONE IS WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT STOP THE PRESS AND BRING BACK HANGING IMMEDIATELY (caps indicate sarcasm in this case).
Curly Spice is "personally a massive fan of The Beatles". What, even more of a fan than you are of your musical hero Kelly Clarkson? Cowell - "Can they shine this week? One hundred, billion percent". Note the absence of a "yes" or "no".
Anyway, they're all stood atop a platform, Bowl-Haired Spice sings a bit, Looks A Bit Like One of Diva Fever Spice shoots the camera a look of smug self-satisfaction, Awkward Asian Spice (who has assumed Aiden's mantle as 'the competition's most awkward person when a camera is focused on them' with aplomb) looks on awkwardly and ooohs and aaahs a bit, the backing track does a sterling job of the chorus and the judges universally prais- oh screw it you all know how this goes by now.
Rebecca and Mary after the break. Predictability is going to be a recurring theme for the next quarter of an hour or so, methinks.
Monday, 15 November 2010
Results Show 6 - "Munster in my pocket" - November 14 2010
Well, I was half-right, it went to deadlock and Katie weaseled her way out of another elimination.
Before all that though we have to suffer through the torment of the group performance and toil through performances from three groups - young upstarts and previous X Factor losers JLS, jaded old fogeys Westlife and Take That, now with added drug addiction! I can hardly contain my indifference.
Here come the judges! Tonight Dannii seems to have stolen part of Cruella de Ville's outfit and Cheryl, well I could write an entire blog post dedicated solely to what she looks like, but 'some sort of cartoon supervillain' will suffice for now.
Group performance time! I have no idea what they're singing and I don't care. Paije is as has become routine really bad at miming, Aiden seems to be taking Simon on in this year's 'most hilarious glasses' competition, Matt's hat makes a triumphant return. It's even more obvious than usual that everyone is miming, aside from One Direction who sound strangely similar to how they sound on the live shows. Strange, that. It's worth suffering through though if only for the bit where some guy from One Direction dances with Mary and of course the customary fantastic Wagner segment.
Ads. The "boyband bonanza" begins after the break. Kill me now.
It's JLS time, and hilarious caption time!
"THEY CAME WITH A DREAM" - this is all looking very McElderry-esque.
"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE" - no seriously they're recycling the exact same captions from Joe's appearance (the captions of course being the most memorable part of his performance)
"MULTI PLATINUM ALBUM" - umm okay maybe we're veering away from McElderry territory slightly here.
"THREE NUMBER ONE SINGLES" - a looooong way from McElderry territory.
"MULTIPLE BRIT & MOBO AWARD WINNERS" - oh okay fine McElderryville isn't even a speck on the horizon anymore.
One of them seems to have a really bad earwax problem but on the plus side there's a chandelier hanging precariously over them - hopefully Rodney and Del Boy were responsible for installing it. They're setting the tone for the evening with an incredibly dreary ballad - it's so horrible and dull that heck, even Westlife might actually sound vaguely interesting after this. Maybe this is all part of Cowell's masterplan - have three boybands on singing awful songs awfully, thus creating the illusion that One Direction are actually bearable.
Dermot interview: "So when is the single you're here plugging coming out?" followed by "So when is the album you're here plugging coming out" and rounded off with "So when are you going on that tour you're plugging?". Yawn.
Recap. Time for a coffee.
"TEN MULTI PLATINUM ALBUMS"
"14 NUMBER ONE SINGLES"
"BIGGEST SELLING BAND OF THE DECADE"
"WHO THE HELL KEEPS BUYING THIS SHIT???"
Yes it's Westlife, Or 'Wetlife'. Because their songs are so wet, geddit? Never mind.
I'm going to call some things right now. One, they will step forwards once they reach the chorus. Two, there will be a quiet bit followed by a stupid key change at the end (which may be when they step forwards if they don't do so during the first chorus). Anyway, Wetlife are singing a dreary ballad drearily. You already know everything there is to know about them if you've ever heard any one of their 89674896 identidull songs so I'll spare you the details.
Oh wow! This is dramatic, heart-stopping stuff! A true shock to end all shocks! Only two of them are stepping forwards! And they're doing so during what I think is the second verse! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Westlife! There's a quiet bit and I can't actually tell you if there was a key change or not because they're singing live and it's hard to tell when their voices are flailing around all over the place. There's also a slight problem because I appear to have fallen into a coma.
"Hey guys when's your new single/album/tour coming?"
OH NO LINES WILL BE CLOSING VERY SOON. Remember you have to vote or else 900 people will be complaining to OFCOM about you!
Over to the judges. Simon GENUINELY thinks One Direction were GENUINELY the best act GENUINELY, Chezza THOROUGHLY enjoyed herself THOROUGHLY last night THOROUGHLY, and Louis unfortunately hasn't been removed from the building yet.
Take That! Cue hilarious clips of stupid girls bawling after the new that they'd broken up, err, broke. Reminder: these girls are in their mid to late 20s now and probably feel very, very ashamed so we shouldn't be too hard on them and also- AHAHAAHA LOOK AT THAT STUPID CHAV CRYING IN HER STUPID TRACKSUIT CRY MORE YOU DUMB COW MUAHAHA YOUR TEARS ARE LIKE AMBROSIA TO ME- err what was I saying?
Oh my, Robbie seems to have spent some time at Aiden's Super Intense Stage School of Intensity. He looks like he's having some kind of seizure. Oh well, at least it's not a dreary ballad. Much like Rebecca last night it's not really that good but compared to the turds before it it sounds like a choir of angels.
"Hey guys so when's your new single/album/tour coming?"
Results after the break!
Here we go! COME ON THE WAGNER! There's something slightly religious about millions of people coming together every Sunday and praying for His continued success.
Tina from Corrie is safe. Matt is safe. Rebecca is safe. Yawn. One Direction are safe. Sigh. ALL HAIL LORD WAGNER, FOR HE IS SAFE! HALLELUJAH! Four to go, Mary is predictably safe, and finally PAIJE WINS AGAIN. Take that attempted screwjob!
We're left with Aiden and Katie and frankly I'll be delighted whoever goes because they're both awful for entirely different reasons.
"How are you feeling right now Aiden?"
"Buhhhhhhhhh"
Oh God, I've changed my mind, get rid of him now. The Weasel is a minor inconvenience compared with the cringe-inducing awkwardness of watching Aiden trying to sing, move, talk or indeed do anything while a camera is on him.
In the completely pointless sing-off, Aiden will be singing "Don't Dream It's Over" (sorry but I already am) and Katie will be singing "SAVE ME (from myself)". It's only the thought of one of these numpties finally getting thrown back out onto the street that's going to make the next few minutes bearable.
Ads.
On reflection, it appears that I had underestimated Dark Lord Cowell last night. I said Paije was the primary screwjob recipient and to some extent I stand by that, but it seems that Dark Lord Cowell has cottoned on to the fact that the Noble British Public know about the first performing slot being death, and assuming the first performer is likeable enough, will to some extent rally behind him or her.
Thus, the X Factor has become so ridiculously contrived everything becomes a game of bluff and double bluff. My best guess is that just in case the primary screwjob doesn't work the powers that be need a backup option - they had it the week Yawn Adeleyeyeye came on with his funny hair (not coincidentally immediately after Paije Screwjob Attempt #1) and they had it this week, with Aiden going second and Cowell telling him he's certain to be safe this week (SO DON'T BOTHER VOTING FOR HIM GIRLS OKAY HE'S GONNA BE FINE YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ONE DIRECTION OR HARRY POTTER INSTEAD). In a few years things are going to get so ridiculous because we'll get to some bizarre meta-stage where Cowell will know that the public will know that Cowell knows that the public know the tertiary screwjob is putting someone on towards the end and having them sing a horrible song because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the secondary screwjob is putting someone on second and saying they'll be fine because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the primary screwjob is putting someone on first dressed as some sort of fancy pastry item, so they'll have to introduce a quaternary screwjob, and God knows what that will involve.
Typing words helps me get through the pain of watching Aiden and Katie again. Aiden is infinitely worse in the sing-off on account of sounding, well, like Aiden. While Katie can sort of hold a tune, albeit unspectacularly, Aiden cannot sing.
Over to Cowell, and you can see the gears turning away in his head. If he sends Katie home he loses 99% of the X Factor's headline-generating capacity but if he sends Aiden home he'll probably be waking up in the middle of the night to Hermann himself brandishing a dagger and breathing deeply in his face (and if not Hermann then an angry legion of rabid fangirls). In the end his heart wins over his head and he risks painful death by sending Aiden home. Chezza of course saves her act, and Dannii hers. Over to Louis, who sends Katie home after some deliberation. Cowell is probably wishing he had had him removed from the building, well at least he would have been wishing that if he didn't of course already know the public vote results.
Yes, it's DEADLOCK! DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING!
Of course Katie is safe, of course Aiden goes home, and of course yet another X Factor rebellion will rise in the week only to be quashed by, hmm, around 8pm next Saturday. Until then, farewell Hermann Munster, we hardly knew ye. He leaves us with a hilarious parting shot about a voting leak on Twitter or something which causes Dermot to break into hilarious damage control mode, and I'm actually not kidding when I say that that's probably the most positive contribution he's made to the competition in my eyes since week 1 and 'Mad World'.
Well, mini-Grandad-dances aside, of course. I will miss them.
Until next week, assuming Cowell lives that long!
Before all that though we have to suffer through the torment of the group performance and toil through performances from three groups - young upstarts and previous X Factor losers JLS, jaded old fogeys Westlife and Take That, now with added drug addiction! I can hardly contain my indifference.
Here come the judges! Tonight Dannii seems to have stolen part of Cruella de Ville's outfit and Cheryl, well I could write an entire blog post dedicated solely to what she looks like, but 'some sort of cartoon supervillain' will suffice for now.
Group performance time! I have no idea what they're singing and I don't care. Paije is as has become routine really bad at miming, Aiden seems to be taking Simon on in this year's 'most hilarious glasses' competition, Matt's hat makes a triumphant return. It's even more obvious than usual that everyone is miming, aside from One Direction who sound strangely similar to how they sound on the live shows. Strange, that. It's worth suffering through though if only for the bit where some guy from One Direction dances with Mary and of course the customary fantastic Wagner segment.
Ads. The "boyband bonanza" begins after the break. Kill me now.
It's JLS time, and hilarious caption time!
"THEY CAME WITH A DREAM" - this is all looking very McElderry-esque.
"AND THE DREAM CAME TRUE" - no seriously they're recycling the exact same captions from Joe's appearance (the captions of course being the most memorable part of his performance)
"MULTI PLATINUM ALBUM" - umm okay maybe we're veering away from McElderry territory slightly here.
"THREE NUMBER ONE SINGLES" - a looooong way from McElderry territory.
"MULTIPLE BRIT & MOBO AWARD WINNERS" - oh okay fine McElderryville isn't even a speck on the horizon anymore.
One of them seems to have a really bad earwax problem but on the plus side there's a chandelier hanging precariously over them - hopefully Rodney and Del Boy were responsible for installing it. They're setting the tone for the evening with an incredibly dreary ballad - it's so horrible and dull that heck, even Westlife might actually sound vaguely interesting after this. Maybe this is all part of Cowell's masterplan - have three boybands on singing awful songs awfully, thus creating the illusion that One Direction are actually bearable.
Dermot interview: "So when is the single you're here plugging coming out?" followed by "So when is the album you're here plugging coming out" and rounded off with "So when are you going on that tour you're plugging?". Yawn.
Recap. Time for a coffee.
"TEN MULTI PLATINUM ALBUMS"
"14 NUMBER ONE SINGLES"
"BIGGEST SELLING BAND OF THE DECADE"
"WHO THE HELL KEEPS BUYING THIS SHIT???"
Yes it's Westlife, Or 'Wetlife'. Because their songs are so wet, geddit? Never mind.
I'm going to call some things right now. One, they will step forwards once they reach the chorus. Two, there will be a quiet bit followed by a stupid key change at the end (which may be when they step forwards if they don't do so during the first chorus). Anyway, Wetlife are singing a dreary ballad drearily. You already know everything there is to know about them if you've ever heard any one of their 89674896 identidull songs so I'll spare you the details.
Oh wow! This is dramatic, heart-stopping stuff! A true shock to end all shocks! Only two of them are stepping forwards! And they're doing so during what I think is the second verse! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Westlife! There's a quiet bit and I can't actually tell you if there was a key change or not because they're singing live and it's hard to tell when their voices are flailing around all over the place. There's also a slight problem because I appear to have fallen into a coma.
"Hey guys when's your new single/album/
OH NO LINES WILL BE CLOSING VERY SOON. Remember you have to vote or else 900 people will be complaining to OFCOM about you!
Over to the judges. Simon GENUINELY thinks One Direction were GENUINELY the best act GENUINELY, Chezza THOROUGHLY enjoyed herself THOROUGHLY last night THOROUGHLY, and Louis unfortunately hasn't been removed from the building yet.
Take That! Cue hilarious clips of stupid girls bawling after the new that they'd broken up, err, broke. Reminder: these girls are in their mid to late 20s now and probably feel very, very ashamed so we shouldn't be too hard on them and also- AHAHAAHA LOOK AT THAT STUPID CHAV CRYING IN HER STUPID TRACKSUIT CRY MORE YOU DUMB COW MUAHAHA YOUR TEARS ARE LIKE AMBROSIA TO ME- err what was I saying?
Oh my, Robbie seems to have spent some time at Aiden's Super Intense Stage School of Intensity. He looks like he's having some kind of seizure. Oh well, at least it's not a dreary ballad. Much like Rebecca last night it's not really that good but compared to the turds before it it sounds like a choir of angels.
"Hey guys so when's your new single/
Results after the break!
Here we go! COME ON THE WAGNER! There's something slightly religious about millions of people coming together every Sunday and praying for His continued success.
Tina from Corrie is safe. Matt is safe. Rebecca is safe. Yawn. One Direction are safe. Sigh. ALL HAIL LORD WAGNER, FOR HE IS SAFE! HALLELUJAH! Four to go, Mary is predictably safe, and finally PAIJE WINS AGAIN. Take that attempted screwjob!
We're left with Aiden and Katie and frankly I'll be delighted whoever goes because they're both awful for entirely different reasons.
"How are you feeling right now Aiden?"
"Buhhhhhhhhh"
Oh God, I've changed my mind, get rid of him now. The Weasel is a minor inconvenience compared with the cringe-inducing awkwardness of watching Aiden trying to sing, move, talk or indeed do anything while a camera is on him.
In the completely pointless sing-off, Aiden will be singing "Don't Dream It's Over" (sorry but I already am) and Katie will be singing "SAVE ME (from myself)". It's only the thought of one of these numpties finally getting thrown back out onto the street that's going to make the next few minutes bearable.
Ads.
On reflection, it appears that I had underestimated Dark Lord Cowell last night. I said Paije was the primary screwjob recipient and to some extent I stand by that, but it seems that Dark Lord Cowell has cottoned on to the fact that the Noble British Public know about the first performing slot being death, and assuming the first performer is likeable enough, will to some extent rally behind him or her.
Thus, the X Factor has become so ridiculously contrived everything becomes a game of bluff and double bluff. My best guess is that just in case the primary screwjob doesn't work the powers that be need a backup option - they had it the week Yawn Adeleyeyeye came on with his funny hair (not coincidentally immediately after Paije Screwjob Attempt #1) and they had it this week, with Aiden going second and Cowell telling him he's certain to be safe this week (SO DON'T BOTHER VOTING FOR HIM GIRLS OKAY HE'S GONNA BE FINE YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ONE DIRECTION OR HARRY POTTER INSTEAD). In a few years things are going to get so ridiculous because we'll get to some bizarre meta-stage where Cowell will know that the public will know that Cowell knows that the public know the tertiary screwjob is putting someone on towards the end and having them sing a horrible song because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the secondary screwjob is putting someone on second and saying they'll be fine because the public know that Cowell knows the public know that the primary screwjob is putting someone on first dressed as some sort of fancy pastry item, so they'll have to introduce a quaternary screwjob, and God knows what that will involve.
Typing words helps me get through the pain of watching Aiden and Katie again. Aiden is infinitely worse in the sing-off on account of sounding, well, like Aiden. While Katie can sort of hold a tune, albeit unspectacularly, Aiden cannot sing.
Over to Cowell, and you can see the gears turning away in his head. If he sends Katie home he loses 99% of the X Factor's headline-generating capacity but if he sends Aiden home he'll probably be waking up in the middle of the night to Hermann himself brandishing a dagger and breathing deeply in his face (and if not Hermann then an angry legion of rabid fangirls). In the end his heart wins over his head and he risks painful death by sending Aiden home. Chezza of course saves her act, and Dannii hers. Over to Louis, who sends Katie home after some deliberation. Cowell is probably wishing he had had him removed from the building, well at least he would have been wishing that if he didn't of course already know the public vote results.
Yes, it's DEADLOCK! DRAMATIC RED LIGHTING!
Of course Katie is safe, of course Aiden goes home, and of course yet another X Factor rebellion will rise in the week only to be quashed by, hmm, around 8pm next Saturday. Until then, farewell Hermann Munster, we hardly knew ye. He leaves us with a hilarious parting shot about a voting leak on Twitter or something which causes Dermot to break into hilarious damage control mode, and I'm actually not kidding when I say that that's probably the most positive contribution he's made to the competition in my eyes since week 1 and 'Mad World'.
Well, mini-Grandad-dances aside, of course. I will miss them.
Until next week, assuming Cowell lives that long!
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Live Show 6 - November 13 2010 (part 2)
Yes it's time for Cher and time for her to demonstrate her bouncebackability for the 4598th time this series because NASTY SIMON SAID SOME NASTY THINGS TO HER (NASTILY) LAST WEEK. Apparently Cheryl's 5 seconds of advice helped Cher keep her chin up (not pictured: Cheryl's three-day conference with Katie in an attempt to keep her chin up).
I've finally figured out another problem with Cher. When she's talking in her VTs, she sounds like a bloody robot. She has that monotonous 'Design and Technology Teacher'-esque tone to her voice in the VTs - seriously it's like she's reading from a script or something (oh wait, she probably is).
This week Cher is going to be doing something REALLY CLEVER! What, even more clever than singing from the phone book? Even more clever than stealing someone's lyrics off youtube and passing them off as your own? Even more clever than James Corden and Dizzee Rascal's version of "Shout"? Surely you jest?!
Here she is, atop a platform singing "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word". I can hardly wait for the clever twist! For now we have to make do with her droning on in what look like armor-plated leggings while through the power of a truckload of make-up she looks like Tina from Coronation Street and gone on Stars in Their Eyes as Cheryl. Bizarre. Oh here's the twist! She's mashing it up with that famous Elton John song "Mockingbird". I jest but it's okay as article 43 subsection 2 of the Official X Factor Rule Book decrees that as Elton once did a duet with Eminem it's clearly acceptable. Anyway, it's all comepletely pointless and a desperate failure of an attempt to make the performance interesting and an excuse for the obligatory 'rap' segment. For every use of the word "clever" by the judges in describing this I will kill a kitten.
Louis - "It was very very clever" DEATH TO KITTEN #1!
Cowell - "You're 100% back in the game" SCREW IT I'M KILLING ALL THESE BLOODY KITTENS
Chezza plays the "you're only seventeen!" card. I'm going to start killing puppies too in a minute.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S WAGNER TIME!
Finally, Our Lord and Savior has come to relieve us all from this utter mediocrity. For 5 minutes every Saturday night, we get to ascend to a higher plane and briefly experience Godhood. This week Our Lord honored the insignificant Daniel Radcliffe with his presence, and so awed by His presence was the HARRY POTTER star that the only sentence he could form was something involving a picture of Our Lord with a lion. "What was going on in the picture with the lion?" he asks. Our Lord was merely demonstrating that He loves all creatures great and small, that's what. "There's something wizard-like about Him", Ron Weasley proclaims. Well there's His omnipresence and omniscience for starters.
But first, before Our Lord's performance, there appears to be some sort of technical hitch because we cut back to Dermot who hilariously stalls for time. Well, either it was a technical hitch or Wagner has just decided to end third-world starvation, either or.
He's singing "I'm still standing" (after millions of years no less!), accompanied by His wardrobe-malfunctioning bride from last week. It's all well and good, as Our Lord always is, but when it transforms into "Circle of Life" it induces a state of near-euphoria in this viewer and I'm sure in millions across the country. Your friends/parents/partner might try and tell you that the transition was completely absurd, ridiculous, out-of-place and unnecessary, but don't listen to them - they're heading for an eternity of torment and anguish in the pits of Hell.
Back to planet Earth, unfortunately, and the judges cannot find superlatives that are superlative enough to describe His superlativeness, clearly. "None of it made any sense", Cowell offers. We've all known he's heading for some pain in the afterlife for some time now, but that just about clinches it.
One Direction and Rebecca to come. Ads! Don't forget the NEW HARRY POTTER FILM IS OUT NOW!
One Direction are going to be so bad that Simon feels the need to apologize pre-emptively to Elton John beforehand, which is nice of him. They also went to see the BRAND NEW AND FANTASTIC HARRY POTTER MOVIE PREMIERE, but before that they got some alone time with Daniel Radcliffe. If you could ask one question of one of the stars of our generation - a young man responsible for bringing one of the most loved series of children's books ever to life, what would it be?
"How do you cope with the pressure of being cast as one of so many children's childhood heroes?"
"Where do you see your career going after Harry Potter? Do you fear you've become typecast and finding other big acting work might prove difficult?"
"What advice can you give to us, five young guys just like you were all those years ago, looking to make it big in the showbiz industry?"
"Are Robbie Coltrane and Mary related?"
"How fit is Hermione?"
Guess which one of these questions they asked. Go on, I challenge you.
They meet Emma Watson on the red carpet, and with that short hair making her look not too dissimilar to a 12-year old boy I can't help but feel she'd actually be a better fit in the group than Asian-one-who-refused-to-dance Spice (I'm just kidding, she's still sort of hot, but now I know how girls feel when they actually think about the fact that the guys they're crushing on a la One Direction look like they're only just past puberty).
They're singing "Something About The Way you Look Tonight" and it's awful as always - the only saving grace being refused-to-dance Spice's hilarious backing vocals, so I guess he can stay after all - maybe they should ditch the one who grins even more inanely than all the others and looks sort of like the one of Diva Fever instead. Then the chorus comes and you all know what's coming BLARING BACKING TRACK OUT OF NOWHERE SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE FACT THAT THEY CAN'T HARMONISE FOR SHIT. Loathsome. Standing ovation from Cowell, of course.
According to Louis they're approximately the 67th act this year to be guaranteed a place in the final, which I'm sure will come as some comfort to them. Simon GENUINELY believes that this is the year a group are going to win. The boys look happy - they're obviously not well versed in the dictionar of Cowell, where 'genuinely' means, well, whatever the opposite of 'genuinely' is. They're preforming late again, which makes me think they might not be doing as well in the voting as some people think.
More ads before Rebecca, so One Direction were on late again and with an entire between-adverts segment to themselves! God (Wagner) I hope I'm right and they're floundering in the vote and this is a desperate ploy to drum up more support for them.
Rebecca also went to... oh screw it you know where she went. You know that she has two kids, she's from Liverpool, she still has some confidence issues and she's so incredibly meek and humble about all this it's starting to get a little sickening. She's singing "Candle In The Wind" (thankfully not the Diana version or else the Met Office might be issuing another vomit flood warning), and it's all pleasant enough even if it sounds like the point of the song is flying thousands of feet over her head. Compared to the legions of crap that have preceded it tonight (LORD WAGNER aside, of course), it's positively heavenly though.
Standing ovation from Chezza and Dannii! The judges practically cream their collective pants in their rush to gush out praise at her. The nation sighs. I wonder when she's going to stop singing and take her role as British Ambassador to Everything and Everyone more seriously.
Tomorrow night Paije and Katie will be in the bottom two and Paije will go after DEADLOCK (*dramatic red lighting*). You heard it here first (well, given that it's not the boldest prediction you've probably heard it in a couple of dozen other places already but never mind).
I've finally figured out another problem with Cher. When she's talking in her VTs, she sounds like a bloody robot. She has that monotonous 'Design and Technology Teacher'-esque tone to her voice in the VTs - seriously it's like she's reading from a script or something (oh wait, she probably is).
This week Cher is going to be doing something REALLY CLEVER! What, even more clever than singing from the phone book? Even more clever than stealing someone's lyrics off youtube and passing them off as your own? Even more clever than James Corden and Dizzee Rascal's version of "Shout"? Surely you jest?!
Here she is, atop a platform singing "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word". I can hardly wait for the clever twist! For now we have to make do with her droning on in what look like armor-plated leggings while through the power of a truckload of make-up she looks like Tina from Coronation Street and gone on Stars in Their Eyes as Cheryl. Bizarre. Oh here's the twist! She's mashing it up with that famous Elton John song "Mockingbird". I jest but it's okay as article 43 subsection 2 of the Official X Factor Rule Book decrees that as Elton once did a duet with Eminem it's clearly acceptable. Anyway, it's all comepletely pointless and a desperate failure of an attempt to make the performance interesting and an excuse for the obligatory 'rap' segment. For every use of the word "clever" by the judges in describing this I will kill a kitten.
Louis - "It was very very clever" DEATH TO KITTEN #1!
Cowell - "You're 100% back in the game" SCREW IT I'M KILLING ALL THESE BLOODY KITTENS
Chezza plays the "you're only seventeen!" card. I'm going to start killing puppies too in a minute.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S WAGNER TIME!
Finally, Our Lord and Savior has come to relieve us all from this utter mediocrity. For 5 minutes every Saturday night, we get to ascend to a higher plane and briefly experience Godhood. This week Our Lord honored the insignificant Daniel Radcliffe with his presence, and so awed by His presence was the HARRY POTTER star that the only sentence he could form was something involving a picture of Our Lord with a lion. "What was going on in the picture with the lion?" he asks. Our Lord was merely demonstrating that He loves all creatures great and small, that's what. "There's something wizard-like about Him", Ron Weasley proclaims. Well there's His omnipresence and omniscience for starters.
But first, before Our Lord's performance, there appears to be some sort of technical hitch because we cut back to Dermot who hilariously stalls for time. Well, either it was a technical hitch or Wagner has just decided to end third-world starvation, either or.
He's singing "I'm still standing" (after millions of years no less!), accompanied by His wardrobe-malfunctioning bride from last week. It's all well and good, as Our Lord always is, but when it transforms into "Circle of Life" it induces a state of near-euphoria in this viewer and I'm sure in millions across the country. Your friends/parents/partner might try and tell you that the transition was completely absurd, ridiculous, out-of-place and unnecessary, but don't listen to them - they're heading for an eternity of torment and anguish in the pits of Hell.
Back to planet Earth, unfortunately, and the judges cannot find superlatives that are superlative enough to describe His superlativeness, clearly. "None of it made any sense", Cowell offers. We've all known he's heading for some pain in the afterlife for some time now, but that just about clinches it.
One Direction and Rebecca to come. Ads! Don't forget the NEW HARRY POTTER FILM IS OUT NOW!
One Direction are going to be so bad that Simon feels the need to apologize pre-emptively to Elton John beforehand, which is nice of him. They also went to see the BRAND NEW AND FANTASTIC HARRY POTTER MOVIE PREMIERE, but before that they got some alone time with Daniel Radcliffe. If you could ask one question of one of the stars of our generation - a young man responsible for bringing one of the most loved series of children's books ever to life, what would it be?
"How do you cope with the pressure of being cast as one of so many children's childhood heroes?"
"Where do you see your career going after Harry Potter? Do you fear you've become typecast and finding other big acting work might prove difficult?"
"What advice can you give to us, five young guys just like you were all those years ago, looking to make it big in the showbiz industry?"
"Are Robbie Coltrane and Mary related?"
"How fit is Hermione?"
Guess which one of these questions they asked. Go on, I challenge you.
They meet Emma Watson on the red carpet, and with that short hair making her look not too dissimilar to a 12-year old boy I can't help but feel she'd actually be a better fit in the group than Asian-one-who-refused-to-dance Spice (I'm just kidding, she's still sort of hot, but now I know how girls feel when they actually think about the fact that the guys they're crushing on a la One Direction look like they're only just past puberty).
They're singing "Something About The Way you Look Tonight" and it's awful as always - the only saving grace being refused-to-dance Spice's hilarious backing vocals, so I guess he can stay after all - maybe they should ditch the one who grins even more inanely than all the others and looks sort of like the one of Diva Fever instead. Then the chorus comes and you all know what's coming BLARING BACKING TRACK OUT OF NOWHERE SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE FACT THAT THEY CAN'T HARMONISE FOR SHIT. Loathsome. Standing ovation from Cowell, of course.
According to Louis they're approximately the 67th act this year to be guaranteed a place in the final, which I'm sure will come as some comfort to them. Simon GENUINELY believes that this is the year a group are going to win. The boys look happy - they're obviously not well versed in the dictionar of Cowell, where 'genuinely' means, well, whatever the opposite of 'genuinely' is. They're preforming late again, which makes me think they might not be doing as well in the voting as some people think.
More ads before Rebecca, so One Direction were on late again and with an entire between-adverts segment to themselves! God (Wagner) I hope I'm right and they're floundering in the vote and this is a desperate ploy to drum up more support for them.
Rebecca also went to... oh screw it you know where she went. You know that she has two kids, she's from Liverpool, she still has some confidence issues and she's so incredibly meek and humble about all this it's starting to get a little sickening. She's singing "Candle In The Wind" (thankfully not the Diana version or else the Met Office might be issuing another vomit flood warning), and it's all pleasant enough even if it sounds like the point of the song is flying thousands of feet over her head. Compared to the legions of crap that have preceded it tonight (LORD WAGNER aside, of course), it's positively heavenly though.
Standing ovation from Chezza and Dannii! The judges practically cream their collective pants in their rush to gush out praise at her. The nation sighs. I wonder when she's going to stop singing and take her role as British Ambassador to Everything and Everyone more seriously.
Tomorrow night Paije and Katie will be in the bottom two and Paije will go after DEADLOCK (*dramatic red lighting*). You heard it here first (well, given that it's not the boldest prediction you've probably heard it in a couple of dozen other places already but never mind).
Live Show 6 - November 13 2010 (part 1)
LAST WEEKEND!
THE COMEPTITION STEPPED UP!
I THINK VOICEOVER MAN HAS USED THAT HYPERBOLE BEFORE BUT HE'S RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY!
I SUPPOSE THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE!
Yes, we're back for another helping of the controlled insanity that is the X Factor! Last week in the region of 900 people complained to OFCOM about Cheryl not voting and yet nobody complained about the newly anointed Mrs. Wagner having an, ahem, 'wardrobe malfunction' which just goes to show that flashing your genitalia at ten million people is okay but goddammit you'd better take up your democratic right to vote or the lynch mob will come and get you.
THIS WEEK!
FIGHING FOR YOUR VOTES!
YOUNG LENNY HENRY!
HERMANN MUNSTER!
SUPREME EMPEROR OF ALL HE SURVEYS, LORD WAGNER!
AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE!
"Every single week it gets harder and harder", Louis announces. Look Walsh, we know you like Aiden and One Direction but there's no need to be so... crude about it.
Tonight is Elton John night. Presumably songs by artits such as Johnny Cash and John Mayer will also be acceptable on account of them having 'John' in their names.
It's Cheryl's turn to come as something out of a box of Quality Street tonight, as Dannii seems to have gone with the 'toga' option.
First up for the second time in three weeks (but remember there's no manipulation here folks!), it's Paije! After the delightful screwjob attempt on him in the week that John (remember him?) left, I'm waiting with bated breath to see what they come up wiuth this time.
But first there's more important business to attend to, because this week everyone went to the world premiere of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. The net result of this is that it seems like there are twice as many ad segments as usual this week. Paije met Daniel Radcliffe, who plays HARRY POTTER in HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS THE NEW HARRY POTTER FILM THAT IS OUT RIGHT NOW.
Oh my! Paije was an extra in one of the HARRY POTTER films! There he is, sitting at a table, reminding everyone of an even younger young Lenny Henry! Daniel does a pretty good job of pretending he remembers him too (well I suppose he is a STAR ACTOR in the HARRY POTTER FILMS THE NEW ONE OF WHICH IS OUT RIGHT NOW). Uh-oh, Paije is "growing on" Simon and "he (Simon) likes him". Kiss of death right there!
Oh no. They haven't done this. They haven't. Paije is singing "Crocodile Rock" dressed as, well I'm not sure, but part of me wants to put some sugary sprinkles on top of him and fill him with jam. His dancers have borrowed Katie's hair, too. I have a hard time saying it's awful because despite the fact that, well, it's awful, it's clearly Screwjob Attempt II, even more vicious than the first. This performance is more young Jedward than young Lenny Henry.
"You're like a young Luther Vandross". Well, at least Louis is getting warmer. Cheryl declares that he "made it his own" (DRINK), despite not actually knowing what the song was. Quelle surprise. It's a plethora of wishy-washy judges comments, the common thread seeming to be that the song choice was awful, which it was. Wishy-washy comments are what is required of course because YOU ALL MUST FORGET THAT PAIJE EXISTS IN 5 MINUTES TIME.
The best way to make everyone forget that Paije exists is obviously to put a top-quality act on next. Which makes it all the more strange that Aiden is next. You've probably guessed this by now, but I really, really don't 'get' Aiden. Why do the judges praise him every week despite the fact that he sounds like a skipping record? Why do women find him attractive?
Just look:
THE COMEPTITION STEPPED UP!
I THINK VOICEOVER MAN HAS USED THAT HYPERBOLE BEFORE BUT HE'S RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY!
I SUPPOSE THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE!
Yes, we're back for another helping of the controlled insanity that is the X Factor! Last week in the region of 900 people complained to OFCOM about Cheryl not voting and yet nobody complained about the newly anointed Mrs. Wagner having an, ahem, 'wardrobe malfunction' which just goes to show that flashing your genitalia at ten million people is okay but goddammit you'd better take up your democratic right to vote or the lynch mob will come and get you.
THIS WEEK!
FIGHING FOR YOUR VOTES!
YOUNG LENNY HENRY!
HERMANN MUNSTER!
SUPREME EMPEROR OF ALL HE SURVEYS, LORD WAGNER!
AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE!
"Every single week it gets harder and harder", Louis announces. Look Walsh, we know you like Aiden and One Direction but there's no need to be so... crude about it.
Tonight is Elton John night. Presumably songs by artits such as Johnny Cash and John Mayer will also be acceptable on account of them having 'John' in their names.
It's Cheryl's turn to come as something out of a box of Quality Street tonight, as Dannii seems to have gone with the 'toga' option.
First up for the second time in three weeks (but remember there's no manipulation here folks!), it's Paije! After the delightful screwjob attempt on him in the week that John (remember him?) left, I'm waiting with bated breath to see what they come up wiuth this time.
But first there's more important business to attend to, because this week everyone went to the world premiere of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. The net result of this is that it seems like there are twice as many ad segments as usual this week. Paije met Daniel Radcliffe, who plays HARRY POTTER in HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS THE NEW HARRY POTTER FILM THAT IS OUT RIGHT NOW.
Oh my! Paije was an extra in one of the HARRY POTTER films! There he is, sitting at a table, reminding everyone of an even younger young Lenny Henry! Daniel does a pretty good job of pretending he remembers him too (well I suppose he is a STAR ACTOR in the HARRY POTTER FILMS THE NEW ONE OF WHICH IS OUT RIGHT NOW). Uh-oh, Paije is "growing on" Simon and "he (Simon) likes him". Kiss of death right there!
Oh no. They haven't done this. They haven't. Paije is singing "Crocodile Rock" dressed as, well I'm not sure, but part of me wants to put some sugary sprinkles on top of him and fill him with jam. His dancers have borrowed Katie's hair, too. I have a hard time saying it's awful because despite the fact that, well, it's awful, it's clearly Screwjob Attempt II, even more vicious than the first. This performance is more young Jedward than young Lenny Henry.
"You're like a young Luther Vandross". Well, at least Louis is getting warmer. Cheryl declares that he "made it his own" (DRINK), despite not actually knowing what the song was. Quelle surprise. It's a plethora of wishy-washy judges comments, the common thread seeming to be that the song choice was awful, which it was. Wishy-washy comments are what is required of course because YOU ALL MUST FORGET THAT PAIJE EXISTS IN 5 MINUTES TIME.
The best way to make everyone forget that Paije exists is obviously to put a top-quality act on next. Which makes it all the more strange that Aiden is next. You've probably guessed this by now, but I really, really don't 'get' Aiden. Why do the judges praise him every week despite the fact that he sounds like a skipping record? Why do women find him attractive?
Just look:
+
=
Yes that's right ladies, you're lusting after Hermann Munster and Luke Chadwick's love child.
Aiden also went to the HARRY POTTER PREMIERE WHICH IS AT ALL GOOD CINEMAS RIGHT NOW PROBABLY INCLUDING THE ONE PAIJE USED TO WORK AT, where he smiled awkwardly, moved awkwardly,and occasionally spoke awkwardly. Watching him is like watching a newly-discovered Little Britain character.
Oh look it's the mood-fog and moody blue lighting! Here he is, dressed in fancy Christmas wrapping paper, singing "Rocket Man", and he sounds like someone's shoved a rocket up his arse. He has the remarkable ability of managing to sound completely tuneless yet completely out of tune at the same time. It's dull, emotionless, and just awkward to watch. I keep watching, perhaps out of morbid curiosity and perhaps in the vain hope that one of Eddie Stobart's trucks might crash into the stage, but really this is bordering on the unwatchable and definitely the unlistenable.
"If Elton was watching the show he would love that performance". No Louis, I think if he was watching he may well have killed himself by now. Maybe that's the plan? Elton disses the show, they have a week dedicated to him and everything is so unfathomably awful that the poor guy shoots himself out of pure shame and because he feels partly responsible for this awfulness. You sly fox, Cowell!
"You're consistently good", Chezza barks. He's certainly consistently something, I'll give him that. Cowell has a go at Louis for criticizing him for changing the song arrangement despite the slight issue that Louis didn't actually criticize the arrangement (well, audibly, anyway - you have to account for the shrieking audience in these things). "You have great presence", he says. That'll be the Christmas wrapping paper jacket, methinks.
Here's Dermot for the interview and GRANDAD-DANCE MAKES A TRIUMPHANT RETURN! Unfortunately Aiden then proceeds to ruin everything by announcing that he was "getting his swag on", though. Try to imagine the queen saying "getting my swag on", then imagine something ten times more awkward and that's what he sounds like. Hideous.
Louis manages to introduce Mary without mentioning Ireland, Dublin or a certain supermarket, which must be a first. We are reminded that she was REALLY NERVOUS FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON last week and that's why she sounded so awful and that her awful-soundingness had nothing to do with the fact that she was singing a song that's less than 30 years old.
This is unnecessarily mean but good lord, her daughter looks like an even more hideous version of Natalie Cassidy. Oh sweet Jesus her Tesco's have closed her till and turned it into some sort of shrine. I bet that pleases the shoppers when they're queuing for an hour on Friday afternoon.
She's wearing black again (it's slimming you know) and singing "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?", cruise-ship karaoke version. "The heart and soul of the X Factor" as Louis referred to her is sounding more like the congested bowels of the X Factor. It's not as bad as last week but she's still jetpacking back and forth over that shark. "It was really crap but because you have a heart it worked", is the gist of what Simon comments. No, I don't know either. Mary is apparently more confident this week because her daughter is in the audienc- OH GOD DON'T PUT THE CAMERA ON IT PLEASE DON'T oh thank God.
Sorry. Unnecessarily mean. Luckily Katie is next after the break so I can heap insults on someone infinitely more deserving.
Yes, over to Chezza and Katie! This week we have 'survivor' Katie who also went to the HARRY POTTER PREMIERE AND IT WAS MAGICAL JUST LIKE THE MOVIE IS BECAUSE IT HAS MAGIC IN AND IT'S ALSO REALLY GOOD YOU SHOULD GO AND WATCH IT. There's shots of her mingling with her fans to show how grounded she is and oh my here's Cheryl. "I admire you a lot" she utters, remarkably unconvincingly. "Say what you want, throw at me what you want..." Katie proclaims. Where's a kitchen sink when you need it?
She's singing "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" and it's not so much a car-crash performance as it is an Eddie Stobart truck-crash of a performance. The song is too upbeat and energetic for her to drain all the life from it so everything just ends up in a bizarre sort of purgatory between fun and unearthly dull. Not even backing to rival One Direction's in the chorus can save her, and the closing 30 seconds or so is the epitome of 'trying too hard'.
In the surprise comment of the week Louis attacks the awful song choice (I think everyone expected gushing "That's why I kept you in the competition!"-style praise). Chezza is clearly surprised too, resorting to mass repetition of "WHAAT SONG WUD YEW AHHV GIVAHN ER????" and Simon threatens to have Louis removed from the building, clearly because Lord Cowell is the only one allowed to be 'mean'. Simon takes the mantle of predictability from Louis, declaring that he's "100% happy" he kept her in. Again, on the Cowell percentage scale, that's hardly a ringing endorsement.
Oh God now Katie is invoking the Pride of Britain Awards to show her humanitarian side. Someone pass the sick bucket.
Matt time! Seeing as he won't be able to sing a girly song this week, things could get troublesome. "The song I've given him this week is Vocal Gymnastics", Danni declares. I have to admit I've not heard that particular song.
Oh, it's actually "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and it's not so much vocal gymnastics as it is a vocal rollercoaster. Sometimes his voice goes too high, sometimes it goes too low and he loops and corkscrews his way around the actual tune for a couple of hair-raising minutes and once it's all over I find myself wanting to vomit. Song choice too ambitious, vocal flaws too prevalent, bad week for Matt although he still somehow sounds pretty good compared to the dross that's preceded him. The judges love it of course because he is Saint Matt and he can do no wrong. Yawn.
Cher and LORD WAGNER after the break! Finally, a reason to live!
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