Due to extreme sleep deprivation, indulgent alcohol consumption and inhalation of possibly toxic firework fumes I shall be a little late with this week's reviews. I haven't even watched Saturday's show yet (which provides me with a strange, somewhat liberating and euphoric feeling that I could get used to).
Anyway, look out for the updates on Monday for both this weekend's shows.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Monday, 1 November 2010
Results Show 4 - October 31 2010
Bon Jovi, Jamiroquai AND Rihanna? But how will they squeeze in the group performance, I hear you cry? I'm hoping one of two things happens:
(a) There is no group performance
(b) There is a group performance, and Jamiroquai are not going to perform live. Instead, Jay Kay is going to walk onto the stage during the group performance and just hurl insults at everyone as they mime badly.
Unfortunately I'm guessing that neither of these happen (although (b) is considerably more likely).
Anyway Dermot is here, the judges are here and the contestants are sort of here given that as usual their images are being flashed through on the big screen for no discernible reason, so let's get on with it! Wait what? Bon Jovi are going to be performing with the contestants? Really? Jesus guys, I remember when you used to be cool. Wait, 'cool' is the wrong word, let's go with, hmm, 'tolerable' instead. Here come the captions!
"OVER 120 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD"
"MULTI-PLATINUM SOMETHING OR OTHER"
"GRAMMY AWARD WINNERS"
"WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?"
It doesn't help that they're really starting to get on in years now, and watching them you can't quite shake the feeling that you're watching an embarassing uncle stumble up to the stage at drunken karaoke night at The Dog and Duck. It's drunken karaoke classic "Livin' On A Prayer" too, which really doesn't help matters. The chorus arrives and just like when your drunken uncle's friends all invade the stage to try and bail him out because he sounds absolutely awful, here come the contestants to save the day! The thing is of course, all your drunken uncle's friends are drunk too, and thus the whole thing ends up sounding even worse.
At least Cher doesn't get a rap segment. Small mercies etc. A standing ovation from the judges of course though, as is customary (unless you're Jamiroquai of course. I bet Chezza and Dannii have the custard pies ready under the desk as I speak).
Here comes the recap. Here's my own recap, in a brand new feature, the five-word review!
Mary - Horny devil? Someone shoot me.
Aiden - What's the opposite of Thriller?
Belle Amie - Girl Power's batteries need changing.
Rebecca - Scouser. She has two kids.
TreyC - She's from Tamworth, not Birmingham.
Matt - My ears are bleeding, love.
Wagner - Wagner Wagner Wagner Wagner Wagner.
Paije - Look how cuddly he is.
Katie - SHOOT IT IN THE EYES.
One Direction - Zzzzzzz- did someone sing something?
Cher - Who is this mysterious person?
Now it's time for Jamiroquai! Chezza grins and whispers something to Simon as they're being introduced. Perhaps she's just found out Jay Kay is allergic to custard, who knows?
They're performing some song that isn't 'Virtual Insanity'. It's okay, but we're all only watching to see St. Cheryl of Cole and Dannii's reaction. OH NO THEY DIDN'T GIVE THEM A STANDING OVATION! I bet their souls are truly crushed now in the knowledge that the four musketeers don't approve. Well actually Simon and Louis sort of half-clap but Dannii is just laughing for some reason and The Nation's Sweetheart is just sat there looking unamused and scowling like an angry headmistress. Brilliant.
"Have you met the judges before?" asks Dermot bravely. Jay Kay resists the temptation to say something like "Yeah I met Slutty McTalentless over there at a service station on the M5 a couple of months ago" and it's all boringly diplomatic.
"Get ready for Rihanna", Dermot announces. I don't know what getting ready for Rihanna involves but I have the mute button, some earplugs and a handgun within reach, so I think I'm covered. Ads.
Customary chance for the judges to pimp some acts as Dermot talks to them briefly. By "some acts" I of course mean Cher (although you can tell hilariously that Dannii is trying in vain to resist toeing the party line, as it were).
Rihanna is singing a song that isn't 'Umbrella', and it's okay. I have a vague memory of her being absolutely awful the last time she was on the show, so there's at least a marked improvement. My main issue is with the bizarre 'fancy-dinner-party-degenerating-into-food-fight' staging that has nothing to do with anything. Travis did it earlier and better in their video for 'Sing', dear. Her dress also appears to be some sort of paper-mache construction and the lower half of it serves no purpose whatsoever. She could really use a Cheryl-style ritual trouser-summoning dance like last week because her granny-pants are showing. Of course she gets a standing ovation from the judges on account of not having called anyone an expletive talentless expletive who she'd like to expletive this week.
More ads. Results after the break!
Results! Paije declared safe first, and panic breaks out among the other 'in trouble' acts. Blah blah bla- WAGNER IS SAFE AGAIN! Hurrah and huzzah! Ultimately we're left with TreyC, Katie and Bellamy. Tracey is safe! There's going to be a sing-off despite the fact we all know it's pointless because Bellamy are going home! Rejoice!
Here are Bellamy, singing "Breakaway" by One Direction's musical hero Kelly Clarkson. It's not very good.
Whatever. It's QUIRKY FUN FAILURE KATIE time! She's singing the Etta James version of "Trust in Me" and... oh my. Here's another thing that's annoying about Katie. Because almost everything she does is so contrived I have absolutely no idea right now whether she's hamming it up or legitimately having some sort of mental breakdown on stage. I don't know whether to be horrified, amused or enraged. What I do know is she sounds awful - this is the first sing-off this series that has been somewhat close in terms of quality. If Katie is hamming it up she's taking it a little too far because she sounds like something is dying in her throat.
Oh God the song is over and here comes the flood of tears. At this point I'm definitely veering towards the "it's all a sad act" point of view - is she really, genuinely surprised that she has very little support? I'm pretty sure she reads everything she can that is written about her, as overly conceited and self-conscious people tend to do, so why is this such a shock? If she is legitimately having some kind of breakdown then frankly I don't even feel bad for being so dismissive because if she disengaged 'ACTRESS MODE' for even a few minutes a week it would be far easier to tell. It's kind of like 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' except in this case it's 'The Girl Who Cried LOOK AT MEEEEEEE' or perhaps even simply 'The Girl Who Cried'.
She's not legitimately having a breakdown though, because she is of course kept in the competition by the judges OOPS SORRY I MEAN BY DEADLOCK AFTER A TIE IN THE JUDGES' VOTE BECAUSE THE JUDGES HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE RESULTS WHEN THEY VOTE HONEST GUV.
"This isn't the end of Bellamy!", Nondescript Spice #2 declares. No, you're right, I can't see you girls breaking up for at least 2 hours yet, or whenever the next argument over mascara or lipstick arises.
(a) There is no group performance
(b) There is a group performance, and Jamiroquai are not going to perform live. Instead, Jay Kay is going to walk onto the stage during the group performance and just hurl insults at everyone as they mime badly.
Unfortunately I'm guessing that neither of these happen (although (b) is considerably more likely).
Anyway Dermot is here, the judges are here and the contestants are sort of here given that as usual their images are being flashed through on the big screen for no discernible reason, so let's get on with it! Wait what? Bon Jovi are going to be performing with the contestants? Really? Jesus guys, I remember when you used to be cool. Wait, 'cool' is the wrong word, let's go with, hmm, 'tolerable' instead. Here come the captions!
"OVER 120 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD"
"MULTI-PLATINUM SOMETHING OR OTHER"
"GRAMMY AWARD WINNERS"
"WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?"
It doesn't help that they're really starting to get on in years now, and watching them you can't quite shake the feeling that you're watching an embarassing uncle stumble up to the stage at drunken karaoke night at The Dog and Duck. It's drunken karaoke classic "Livin' On A Prayer" too, which really doesn't help matters. The chorus arrives and just like when your drunken uncle's friends all invade the stage to try and bail him out because he sounds absolutely awful, here come the contestants to save the day! The thing is of course, all your drunken uncle's friends are drunk too, and thus the whole thing ends up sounding even worse.
At least Cher doesn't get a rap segment. Small mercies etc. A standing ovation from the judges of course though, as is customary (unless you're Jamiroquai of course. I bet Chezza and Dannii have the custard pies ready under the desk as I speak).
Here comes the recap. Here's my own recap, in a brand new feature, the five-word review!
Mary - Horny devil? Someone shoot me.
Aiden - What's the opposite of Thriller?
Belle Amie - Girl Power's batteries need changing.
Rebecca - Scouser. She has two kids.
TreyC - She's from Tamworth, not Birmingham.
Matt - My ears are bleeding, love.
Wagner - Wagner Wagner Wagner Wagner Wagner.
Paije - Look how cuddly he is.
Katie - SHOOT IT IN THE EYES.
One Direction - Zzzzzzz- did someone sing something?
Cher - Who is this mysterious person?
Now it's time for Jamiroquai! Chezza grins and whispers something to Simon as they're being introduced. Perhaps she's just found out Jay Kay is allergic to custard, who knows?
They're performing some song that isn't 'Virtual Insanity'. It's okay, but we're all only watching to see St. Cheryl of Cole and Dannii's reaction. OH NO THEY DIDN'T GIVE THEM A STANDING OVATION! I bet their souls are truly crushed now in the knowledge that the four musketeers don't approve. Well actually Simon and Louis sort of half-clap but Dannii is just laughing for some reason and The Nation's Sweetheart is just sat there looking unamused and scowling like an angry headmistress. Brilliant.
"Have you met the judges before?" asks Dermot bravely. Jay Kay resists the temptation to say something like "Yeah I met Slutty McTalentless over there at a service station on the M5 a couple of months ago" and it's all boringly diplomatic.
"Get ready for Rihanna", Dermot announces. I don't know what getting ready for Rihanna involves but I have the mute button, some earplugs and a handgun within reach, so I think I'm covered. Ads.
Customary chance for the judges to pimp some acts as Dermot talks to them briefly. By "some acts" I of course mean Cher (although you can tell hilariously that Dannii is trying in vain to resist toeing the party line, as it were).
Rihanna is singing a song that isn't 'Umbrella', and it's okay. I have a vague memory of her being absolutely awful the last time she was on the show, so there's at least a marked improvement. My main issue is with the bizarre 'fancy-dinner-party-degenerating-into-food-fight' staging that has nothing to do with anything. Travis did it earlier and better in their video for 'Sing', dear. Her dress also appears to be some sort of paper-mache construction and the lower half of it serves no purpose whatsoever. She could really use a Cheryl-style ritual trouser-summoning dance like last week because her granny-pants are showing. Of course she gets a standing ovation from the judges on account of not having called anyone an expletive talentless expletive who she'd like to expletive this week.
More ads. Results after the break!
Results! Paije declared safe first, and panic breaks out among the other 'in trouble' acts. Blah blah bla- WAGNER IS SAFE AGAIN! Hurrah and huzzah! Ultimately we're left with TreyC, Katie and Bellamy. Tracey is safe! There's going to be a sing-off despite the fact we all know it's pointless because Bellamy are going home! Rejoice!
Here are Bellamy, singing "Breakaway" by One Direction's musical hero Kelly Clarkson. It's not very good.
Whatever. It's QUIRKY FUN FAILURE KATIE time! She's singing the Etta James version of "Trust in Me" and... oh my. Here's another thing that's annoying about Katie. Because almost everything she does is so contrived I have absolutely no idea right now whether she's hamming it up or legitimately having some sort of mental breakdown on stage. I don't know whether to be horrified, amused or enraged. What I do know is she sounds awful - this is the first sing-off this series that has been somewhat close in terms of quality. If Katie is hamming it up she's taking it a little too far because she sounds like something is dying in her throat.
Oh God the song is over and here comes the flood of tears. At this point I'm definitely veering towards the "it's all a sad act" point of view - is she really, genuinely surprised that she has very little support? I'm pretty sure she reads everything she can that is written about her, as overly conceited and self-conscious people tend to do, so why is this such a shock? If she is legitimately having some kind of breakdown then frankly I don't even feel bad for being so dismissive because if she disengaged 'ACTRESS MODE' for even a few minutes a week it would be far easier to tell. It's kind of like 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' except in this case it's 'The Girl Who Cried LOOK AT MEEEEEEE' or perhaps even simply 'The Girl Who Cried'.
She's not legitimately having a breakdown though, because she is of course kept in the competition by the judges OOPS SORRY I MEAN BY DEADLOCK AFTER A TIE IN THE JUDGES' VOTE BECAUSE THE JUDGES HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE RESULTS WHEN THEY VOTE HONEST GUV.
"This isn't the end of Bellamy!", Nondescript Spice #2 declares. No, you're right, I can't see you girls breaking up for at least 2 hours yet, or whenever the next argument over mascara or lipstick arises.
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Live Show 4 - October 30 2010 (part 2)
Here's Matt 'The Hat' Cardle and he's apparently attempting some sort of superhuman feat from the way everyone is talking in his VT. Oh no, it's "Bleeding Love", a song that I hoped had been consigned to the 'Thou Shalt Not Perform Ever on X Factor' dustbin after Lloyd's complete trainwreck of a rendition of it last year. I also think it's a completely awful song, so it's hard to be objective here but Matt doesn't sound his usual self and it's obvious to anyone with functioning eyes that he hates the song choice. That's 2 for 2 on horrible song choices now as far as Dannii is concerned, perhaps the Jedward hair is starting to burrow into her brain?
The judges are unusually and surprisingly harsh in their comments though, given that they've consistently heaped praise on far worse before. A cynic might say it's all part of an attempt to cut into the popularity of Matt, who is at the time of writing the favourite, in favour of a certain other 'chosen one', but I'm not a cynic and I wouldn't dare suggest such a thing (for about 30 minutes at least).
Dannii is "Dumbfounded" that the others didn't consider this a good week for him. Dannii is easily dumbfounded. "It was a fight..." mumbles Matt, as he tries to be nice.
Over to Louis, and we all know what this means! "For music lovers everywhere, it's Wagner" he says, somehow managing to do so without a trace of irony. Wagner apparently "...became British because he was abducted by Britain". One wonders how easy it would be to scramble together the ransom money by visiting people who take this show far too seriously. Of course I have made no secret of the fact that Vaargner is my superhero, and the 5 minutes of the show in which he features is much like finding a diamond after swimming in a pool full of cow vomit for a couple of hours. Plenty of people would disagree, but they're wrong. They just don't get Wagner. To fully appreciate the genius that is Wagner you have to think outside the box, think past the music because Wagner transcends the medium of music.
Take this performance, for example. To the untrained ear, it might sound like he's horribly out of tune and his timing is terrible. But to the trained ear and mind, it soon becomes obvious that actually Wagner is perfectly in tune and perfectly in time, as he always is, it's just that everything else that has ever existed is horribly out of tune and out of time. Perfection is Wagner, imperfection is anything and everything that makes Wagner seem anything less than perfect.
This sort of philosophising may seem unimportant and indeed ridiculous when discussing a slimy old Brazilian dude singing "Bat Out Of Hell" while dancers convulse maniacally around him, but understanding this is truly important, and your mind will be all the better for having read and comprehended it. Also tonight his dancers are dressed as skeletons and Halloween cat things and there is an absence of any boob-related dance moves and/or gimmickry. Oh, and he seems to be perving over the girls marginally less than usual. Just so you know.
Meanwhile back on planet Earth, over to the 'judges'. I say that in quotes because they're clearly not worthy of judging Supreme Lord Wagner, but alas judge they shall, with their imperfect eyes and imperfect ears. "From Matt... to Wagner... it's different" mutters Dannii, again finding it difficult to form sentences. "What the hell was that?" offers Simon. Louis says what everyone is thinking, "We want to see you next week!".
Show's over, nothing to see here now.
Oh alright then, it's Paije. It is impossible to not like Paije. He is the anti-Katie. "Simon Cowell giving me fashion advice...?" he says at the start of his VT. Now imagine Katie saying it. Now imagine how much you'd want to punch her after she'd said it. Paije lets words like that flow out without seeming like a giant ego because he's not a giant ego, he is just a dude. It's almost enough to make you forget that actually he did look really stupid last week. Of course, 'just a dude'-types tend to get thrown by the wayside and labelled as 'boring' by stupid people who judge talent by column inches in the Daily Star and OK magazine, so they can often underachieve on XF, but if Paije can survive last week's abomination then there's hope for him yet.
Enter Friedman. "Simon's said to Paije to act more like a pop star but now if he does act more like a pop star it will seem contrived". Congratulations for spouting this stupid crap during the VT of the contestant who it's literally least relevant to. I don't think Paije could seem contrived if he tried, whereas certain others can appear contrived without trying.
Tonight he's singing "Back to Black" (BLACK IS A DARK COLOUR AND DARK COLOURS ARE EVIL AND HALLOWEEN IS EVIL STOP QUESTIONING THE RELEVANCE TO THE THEME OKAY!?) and is dressed somewhat more sensibly than usual, an understated dinner jacket/bow tie/untied tie look. Dannii is now 3 for 3 on horrific song choices. It's nowhere near as huge a disaster as either of her other choices, but it doesn't suit his voice (which is admittedly growing on me in isolation) at all.
"I like that you're turning (into)... a big diva. It gives you some personality" Simon rambles. Remember what I said a few paragraphs up about stupid people? Yeah.
Over to Chezza - "Next up, having some FUN because she is FUNand definitely not Lady Gaga / Madonna / Old Katie / New but not quite fun yet Katie / a fame-hungry cow from the inner circles of Hell, it's Katie!"
Here's the problem with Katie. I've finally worked it out. Scratch away all the bad press, all the audition and judges house drama and it's still impossible to like her because even at this stage everything she does is so bloody 'actressy'. I'm actually convinced that she has some kind of mental disorder that causes her to believe that she is permanently in a movie and being asked to ham it up. Every movement, every facial expression, every little bit of speech is horribly exaggerated in that way that only really bad actors do while they're 'acting'.
This week we're getting 'Fun AND quirky Katie', a merger between two failed past business ventures. It's not going to work.
She's singing "Bewitched" this week and OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER EYES!? From a distance it looks like her eyes don't exist - it's only when the camera moves in that we see the truth. Lashings (pun completely intended) of glittery silver eye make up stuff, possibly to disguise the two black eyes Matt possibly might have possibly given her in the week (possibly). It's even worse than Nicolo's bizarre sunglasses in week 1 - at least with him you could be reasonably sure that his eyes actually existed beneath the sunglasses.
It sounds... boring. For all the fuss over her in the papers, once she starts singing it's surprisingly dull. She's not particularly good, not particularly bad, she's just sort of there, existing and making noise. For someone who puts on such a contrived show while she's not singing, you can't help but expect a little more. Dannii calls out the hideous make up and gets a ridiculous "OOOOOHHHH well happy Halloween!" in return from Katie. STOP ACTING. TURN YOUR 'ACT' BUTTON OFF FOR JUST ONE SECOND YOU DESPERATE COW FOR F- wait DID SIMON REALLY COMPARE HER TO GWEN STEFANI?
I need some aspirin. "You throw yourself into things head first" offers Cheryl. Too easy, let's move on.
One Direction and Cher after the break. I need more aspirin. Any idea what the lethal dose is?
One Direction (where's the backing coming from? Head that way!) time! Joy! Oh wow they're trying to spin Louis calling Simon out for his focusing on them as a sob story? Really? "Louis saying that... takes something away from all our hard work", one of the drones bleats. You stand on stage and sing to a blaring backing track while grinning inanely at each other every weekend after rehearsing for a few hours in the preceding few days. It's not exactly tough manual labour, guys. "This song is about showing them as singers" according to Simon. If I had a bomb shelter I'd be running towards it right now.
Their performance is the same as always, whispering to a screaming backing track except this time the twist is that they look like they haven't slept all week. Boring. Instead, let's talk about voiceover guy. He says "ONE DIRECTION" like an angry robot which is amusing, but his best work in my opinion is "MARY BYRNE!?" It's like an expression of bewilderment as opposed to somebody's name when he announces it, fantastic.
Oh, for reference they sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (ECLIPSES INVOLVE THE MOON, AS DO WEREWOLVES. WEREWOLVES ARE A SCARY MONSTER. HALLOWEEN IS SCARY AND PEOPLE DRESS UP AS SCARY MONSTERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP QUESTIONING THE SONG CHOICES!). Here's what the judges had to say:
Louis - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Dannii - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Cheryl - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Simon - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Over to Chezza - "Last but by no means least, it's the FANTASTIC Cher Lloyd. YOU WILL THINK SHE IS FANTASTIC OR I WILL PEE ON YOUR FACE"
In contrast to last week Cher is under strict 'be meek and humble' instruction this week, it seems. Ah, now I see why, it's 'Cher reinvention' week! Hurrah! This week she's going to just stand there and sing, like a miniature Mary or something.
She's even dressed in black, like a miniature Mary. Oh wow, this actually sounds decent. It's "Stay" by Shakespeare's Sister and the judges will doubtless put it on a pedestal and elevate it into the stratosphere, so desperate are the powers that be for her to do well and it's nowhere near as good as the praise it will get, but it's definitely surprising, and a really good song choice from Chezza, credit where credit's due.
Cue Cowell - "I think that was the performance of the entire season". Maybe with the clocks going back and the weather getting colder he's getting confused, but winter doesn't start until December and it certainly hasn't started at some point between Rebecca's and Cher's performances tonight. Oh God she's crying, somebody pass the sick bag. "You put every single emotion into it", Cheryl rambles in that emotionless drawl of hers. Every single one Chezza dear? Personally I thought it was missing a little optimism, a small helping of astonishment and maybe a garnish of contentment to finish. "The nation gets to hear you sing" she continues. Yes, that's SORT OF THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BLOODY PROGRAMME.
I need an aspirin. I've already seen the results as I type this (apologies for being a little behind), so luckily you get to dodge seeing my horrible predictions before the terrifying triumvirate that is Bon Jovi, Jamiroquai and Rihanna on the results show.
The judges are unusually and surprisingly harsh in their comments though, given that they've consistently heaped praise on far worse before. A cynic might say it's all part of an attempt to cut into the popularity of Matt, who is at the time of writing the favourite, in favour of a certain other 'chosen one', but I'm not a cynic and I wouldn't dare suggest such a thing (for about 30 minutes at least).
Dannii is "Dumbfounded" that the others didn't consider this a good week for him. Dannii is easily dumbfounded. "It was a fight..." mumbles Matt, as he tries to be nice.
Over to Louis, and we all know what this means! "For music lovers everywhere, it's Wagner" he says, somehow managing to do so without a trace of irony. Wagner apparently "...became British because he was abducted by Britain". One wonders how easy it would be to scramble together the ransom money by visiting people who take this show far too seriously. Of course I have made no secret of the fact that Vaargner is my superhero, and the 5 minutes of the show in which he features is much like finding a diamond after swimming in a pool full of cow vomit for a couple of hours. Plenty of people would disagree, but they're wrong. They just don't get Wagner. To fully appreciate the genius that is Wagner you have to think outside the box, think past the music because Wagner transcends the medium of music.
Take this performance, for example. To the untrained ear, it might sound like he's horribly out of tune and his timing is terrible. But to the trained ear and mind, it soon becomes obvious that actually Wagner is perfectly in tune and perfectly in time, as he always is, it's just that everything else that has ever existed is horribly out of tune and out of time. Perfection is Wagner, imperfection is anything and everything that makes Wagner seem anything less than perfect.
This sort of philosophising may seem unimportant and indeed ridiculous when discussing a slimy old Brazilian dude singing "Bat Out Of Hell" while dancers convulse maniacally around him, but understanding this is truly important, and your mind will be all the better for having read and comprehended it. Also tonight his dancers are dressed as skeletons and Halloween cat things and there is an absence of any boob-related dance moves and/or gimmickry. Oh, and he seems to be perving over the girls marginally less than usual. Just so you know.
Meanwhile back on planet Earth, over to the 'judges'. I say that in quotes because they're clearly not worthy of judging Supreme Lord Wagner, but alas judge they shall, with their imperfect eyes and imperfect ears. "From Matt... to Wagner... it's different" mutters Dannii, again finding it difficult to form sentences. "What the hell was that?" offers Simon. Louis says what everyone is thinking, "We want to see you next week!".
Show's over, nothing to see here now.
Oh alright then, it's Paije. It is impossible to not like Paije. He is the anti-Katie. "Simon Cowell giving me fashion advice...?" he says at the start of his VT. Now imagine Katie saying it. Now imagine how much you'd want to punch her after she'd said it. Paije lets words like that flow out without seeming like a giant ego because he's not a giant ego, he is just a dude. It's almost enough to make you forget that actually he did look really stupid last week. Of course, 'just a dude'-types tend to get thrown by the wayside and labelled as 'boring' by stupid people who judge talent by column inches in the Daily Star and OK magazine, so they can often underachieve on XF, but if Paije can survive last week's abomination then there's hope for him yet.
Enter Friedman. "Simon's said to Paije to act more like a pop star but now if he does act more like a pop star it will seem contrived". Congratulations for spouting this stupid crap during the VT of the contestant who it's literally least relevant to. I don't think Paije could seem contrived if he tried, whereas certain others can appear contrived without trying.
Tonight he's singing "Back to Black" (BLACK IS A DARK COLOUR AND DARK COLOURS ARE EVIL AND HALLOWEEN IS EVIL STOP QUESTIONING THE RELEVANCE TO THE THEME OKAY!?) and is dressed somewhat more sensibly than usual, an understated dinner jacket/bow tie/untied tie look. Dannii is now 3 for 3 on horrific song choices. It's nowhere near as huge a disaster as either of her other choices, but it doesn't suit his voice (which is admittedly growing on me in isolation) at all.
"I like that you're turning (into)... a big diva. It gives you some personality" Simon rambles. Remember what I said a few paragraphs up about stupid people? Yeah.
Over to Chezza - "Next up, having some FUN because she is FUN
Here's the problem with Katie. I've finally worked it out. Scratch away all the bad press, all the audition and judges house drama and it's still impossible to like her because even at this stage everything she does is so bloody 'actressy'. I'm actually convinced that she has some kind of mental disorder that causes her to believe that she is permanently in a movie and being asked to ham it up. Every movement, every facial expression, every little bit of speech is horribly exaggerated in that way that only really bad actors do while they're 'acting'.
This week we're getting 'Fun AND quirky Katie', a merger between two failed past business ventures. It's not going to work.
She's singing "Bewitched" this week and OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER EYES!? From a distance it looks like her eyes don't exist - it's only when the camera moves in that we see the truth. Lashings (pun completely intended) of glittery silver eye make up stuff, possibly to disguise the two black eyes Matt possibly might have possibly given her in the week (possibly). It's even worse than Nicolo's bizarre sunglasses in week 1 - at least with him you could be reasonably sure that his eyes actually existed beneath the sunglasses.
It sounds... boring. For all the fuss over her in the papers, once she starts singing it's surprisingly dull. She's not particularly good, not particularly bad, she's just sort of there, existing and making noise. For someone who puts on such a contrived show while she's not singing, you can't help but expect a little more. Dannii calls out the hideous make up and gets a ridiculous "OOOOOHHHH well happy Halloween!" in return from Katie. STOP ACTING. TURN YOUR 'ACT' BUTTON OFF FOR JUST ONE SECOND YOU DESPERATE COW FOR F- wait DID SIMON REALLY COMPARE HER TO GWEN STEFANI?
I need some aspirin. "You throw yourself into things head first" offers Cheryl. Too easy, let's move on.
One Direction and Cher after the break. I need more aspirin. Any idea what the lethal dose is?
One Direction (where's the backing coming from? Head that way!) time! Joy! Oh wow they're trying to spin Louis calling Simon out for his focusing on them as a sob story? Really? "Louis saying that... takes something away from all our hard work", one of the drones bleats. You stand on stage and sing to a blaring backing track while grinning inanely at each other every weekend after rehearsing for a few hours in the preceding few days. It's not exactly tough manual labour, guys. "This song is about showing them as singers" according to Simon. If I had a bomb shelter I'd be running towards it right now.
Their performance is the same as always, whispering to a screaming backing track except this time the twist is that they look like they haven't slept all week. Boring. Instead, let's talk about voiceover guy. He says "ONE DIRECTION" like an angry robot which is amusing, but his best work in my opinion is "MARY BYRNE!?" It's like an expression of bewilderment as opposed to somebody's name when he announces it, fantastic.
Oh, for reference they sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (ECLIPSES INVOLVE THE MOON, AS DO WEREWOLVES. WEREWOLVES ARE A SCARY MONSTER. HALLOWEEN IS SCARY AND PEOPLE DRESS UP AS SCARY MONSTERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP QUESTIONING THE SONG CHOICES!). Here's what the judges had to say:
Louis - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Dannii - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Cheryl - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Simon - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH"
Over to Chezza - "Last but by no means least, it's the FANTASTIC Cher Lloyd. YOU WILL THINK SHE IS FANTASTIC OR I WILL PEE ON YOUR FACE"
In contrast to last week Cher is under strict 'be meek and humble' instruction this week, it seems. Ah, now I see why, it's 'Cher reinvention' week! Hurrah! This week she's going to just stand there and sing, like a miniature Mary or something.
She's even dressed in black, like a miniature Mary. Oh wow, this actually sounds decent. It's "Stay" by Shakespeare's Sister and the judges will doubtless put it on a pedestal and elevate it into the stratosphere, so desperate are the powers that be for her to do well and it's nowhere near as good as the praise it will get, but it's definitely surprising, and a really good song choice from Chezza, credit where credit's due.
Cue Cowell - "I think that was the performance of the entire season". Maybe with the clocks going back and the weather getting colder he's getting confused, but winter doesn't start until December and it certainly hasn't started at some point between Rebecca's and Cher's performances tonight. Oh God she's crying, somebody pass the sick bag. "You put every single emotion into it", Cheryl rambles in that emotionless drawl of hers. Every single one Chezza dear? Personally I thought it was missing a little optimism, a small helping of astonishment and maybe a garnish of contentment to finish. "The nation gets to hear you sing" she continues. Yes, that's SORT OF THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BLOODY PROGRAMME.
I need an aspirin. I've already seen the results as I type this (apologies for being a little behind), so luckily you get to dodge seeing my horrible predictions before the terrifying triumvirate that is Bon Jovi, Jamiroquai and Rihanna on the results show.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Live Show 4 - October 30 2010 (part 1)
As Louis "Style Guru" Walsh voiced his dislike of people on the internet mocking and hating on the show on Xtra Factor last weekend, I have decided to turn over a new leaf and heed my mother's advice and not say anything at all if I can't say anything nice.
So here's my review of tonight's show - Dannii's dress was pretty.
See you next week!
...wait what?
It's a Halloween-themed week?
Which means songs with ridiculuosly tenuous links to Halloween, ripe for the mocking?
And costumes and make-up even more hideous and bizarre than usual, clearly intended to attract mockery and scorn like brains attract zombies?
Screw this, let's roll. Walsh, bite me.
LAST WEEKEND ON THE X FACTOR
THE COMPETITION REACHED NEW HEIGHTS
AND I FOR ONE FELT LIKE JUMPING
Yes, tonight is Halloween night, and here comes Zombie O'Leary! Tonight the contestants will be singing "Songs inspired by the dark side" apparently, which doesn't bode well given my fears last week that Katie's performance might summon a portal to Hell. I can't wait for Wagner to break into a Children Of Bodom classic.
Here come the judges! We have Dannii, with Jedward-tribute hair, Louis with comical spotted bow-tie, Cheryl dressed in her usual elegant and understated manner, and Sir Simon of Cowell, complete with hilarious teeth (and a couple of fangs too).
All the performances are available to download on iTunes if you feel like really terrifying people at a Halloween party this weekend!
First up, it's "The Diva from Dublin - that's DUBLIN. YOU KNOW, IN IRELAND" Mary Byrne! The VT starts with the "Be more current" criticism from last week, so obviously she's going to be singing something a little more up to date. Personally I'm holding out for "Smack My Bitch Up". Oh, according to Simon she's singing Barry Manilow - I don't think he did a version of that, although he has covered just about every other song on the planet so maybe there's hope. "Everyone wants to see a different side of Mary", bleats perennial tosser Brian Friedman. I'd imagine much like the dark side of the moon, the 'other side' of Mary is a cold, inhospitable place with scarily deep valleys and craters that mankind may have once thought about exploring but has recently changed its mind.
Here she is, and if this is anything to go by then the 'Halloween' theme essentially means 'more mascara, eyeliner and some devil horns'. Oh, she's singing "Could It Be Magic?". Get it? Magic? Witches? Halloween? Or perhaps the Halloween tie-in is the hideous visage of Barry Manilow, who knows? Anyways, Mary is wearing black and singing boringly. The camera gets in some side-angle shots - dangerously close to exposing us to Mary's 'other side', and she tries to move occasionally but her movements just look like she's miming reaching into the food cupboard and searching for some crisps. Oh, there are some dancers in cages too, and I'm momentarily distracted thinking of the fun Harry Hill could have with this and Wagbo next weekend. To be fair to Mary the innate boringness and cruiselinerishness of the song makes it a hard one to sing well or even interestingly, but this really is the epitome of one step forwards, two steps back.
The judges predictably loved it. Cheryl seemed particularly happy about the devil horns, perhaps because they nicely complement the halo that Cowell holds permanently above her head. "Liked you last week... loved you this week" mumbles Simon the living cliché machine. You used that one last week Simon, at least Mary gives it a few weeks before recycling songs. "You are a horny little devil", he announces. The nation cringes. "You are the people's champion" proclaims the giant internet-hating tossba... err Louis. No Louis, former WWF wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the people's champion, you're a decade too late with that one.
Speaking of wrestlers, up next it's "Stone Cold" Aiden Grimshaw. He's at somewhat of an advantage tonight seeing as every day is Halloween in Aidenville. Cowell is quite amusingly openly mocking his dourness in the VT, and when he starts mocking you for being too cold, well, it's time to press the panic button.
Here he is, and wait, is that a mannequin on stage? Oh no, wait, it's singing, it can't be. But wait! There are mannequins, scattered around the singing mannequin! No wait they're actually dancers made up to look like mannequins because they're moving! But wait, maybe they are mannequins and are just remotely controlled somehow! No, wait, the way they're moving makes that impossible, they're definitely people! But they'd suffocate in those masks if they were masks, they're mannequins!
In case you're wondering why I'm blabbering on about the mannequin dancers, it's primarily a defense mechanism to stop me from concentrating on the brutal murder that is taking place. No, Aiden isn't hungry for human flesh again, he's taking a chainsaw to the withering corpse of Michael Jackson and flailing around with it like a majorette or conductor with their respective batons. Aiden gets one point for being brave enough to sing an almost unrecognisable version of a classic ("Thriller"). Unfortunately he gets minus 1000 points because it's possibly the worst thing I've ever heard. You can be as 'intense' as you like, but if you don't connect with a song on any level at all, that 'intensity' just comes over as self-indulgent nonsense. Awful-sounding self-indulgent nonsense, at that.
So with that in mind, let's play a game where we replace a word in the judges comments with another word. See if you can guess what it is!
Louis: "It was a very, very awful performance... you're a very awful performer as well Aiden"
Cheryl: "I don't think every song you do requires that amount of awfulness"
Simon calls him out on the indulgent nature of the performance, which is nice of him although it makes me feel a little less special for thinking the same. "Halloween is here - you stuck to the theme" warbles Dannii. Err, yes, he's Aiden. He's industrial-strength superglued to the bloody theme. Oh, grandad-dance revival as he speaks to Dermot! I do hope this becomes a weekly segment if he survives, it's the only redeeming feature he has at the moment, although the 'I've just been electrocuted' smile is quite endearing too.
Bellamy and Rebecca after t'break!
Bellamy were SO HAPPY after being declared safe last week. And Simon AIR PUNCHED! "This week is a well known girl band song that will show their personality" declares Simon. Their personality being 'derivative girl band', I can only assume. The vocal coach guy says the song is "About them all blending together". I don't know who any of them are as it is aside from Nondescript Spice #1-4 - if they blend together any more then Cheryl will suddenly have 5 acts in the competition and the universe may implode.
There are half-naked men and flames on the stage and it takes me a minute to recall that Diva Fever were actually eliminated a couple of weeks ago. Oh, here come the girls, emerging from coffins and singing "Venus" like they've just been disturbed half way through a 1000-year slumber. The most remarkable thing about the performance is Nondescript Spice #3's astounding mountain of red hair. Really it's a lesson in why groups manufactured on-the-spot invariably don't work, the parts may be sort of decent but the sum of them is awful. The girls have woken from their 500-year slumber and arrived in a time where harmonising doesn't exist.
Louis loved the styling, staging and song choice. Note the lack of him loving a certain other, quite important 's' word, probably because if he mentioned singing he'd have to then mention a fifth, somewhat less broadcastable 's' word. Dannii tears into them for their vocal weakness, well as much anyone has torn into anyone else this series. Poor Cheryl can't bring herself to directly criticize their singing for some bizarre, unexplainable reason, favouring vague confidence-related platitudes. "Plate of milk for the girls" Simon sneers. Plate of cowpats for Simon, given the manure he's guaranteed to start spreading once his mouth opens again. Phone hands from Nondescript Spice #4.
Over to the girls and Chezza! First up, unsurprisingly, it's Rebecca. "We know Rebecca's got the voice but now we need to see how much she really wants to win this competition", declares Louis. Umm, she's probably going to illustrate her desire to win this competition which on some sort of level is still mildly about singing by, umm, singing? Or am I being absurd again?
Rebecca apparently just wants to "Keep getting better", which is a shame because this isn't nearly as good as last week. She's singing the awfully dull "Wicked Game" (wicked --> witch --> Halloween, get it? Eh? Eh?), and trying her best to rouse some interest from the deepest inner recesses of the song, but it's not to be. It's a little more nasally and piercing than usual, but not bad. The judges loved it and blah blah blah boring boring boring wait did Cheryl really just say "You're the perfect ambassador for Britain" to her? Forget trained diplomats and politicians, we should absolutely send random scouse girl from some TV talent show to the next round of Middle-East peace negotiations (although I suppose it's no less absurd than Tony Blair being made Middle-East peace envoy).
Ads.
Up next, it's over to Cheryl again and the other girl she doesn't really give much of a toss about, Tracey! Blah blah bottom two, blah blah "massive panic attack" (hint: if you'd actually had a 'massive panic attack' you wouldn't have been able to move, much less sing dear, don't insult the intelligence of the average X Factor viewe... wait, never mind. She's singing "Relight My Fire" (Fire! They burned witches at the stake! Witches = Halloween! Get it?) and it's nice that she's found a place between "whisper" and "earth-shattering squeal". I don't remember the bit in Little Red Riding Hood where she breaks into "Relight My Fire", is that in one of the modernized versions? Regardless, that's what she's dressed as and it's about as convincing as having Aiden dress up as a teddy bear.
Dannii is surprisingly critical (I should note that given her hair I'm expecting her to break into an awful rendition of 'Ice Ice Baby' or the Ghostbusters theme at any point), and Simon agrees, saying that she is unoriginal and devoid of direction. The fact that she's one of the few acts that can actually sort of sing is, of course, unimportant.
Oh, here's voiceover guy
STILL TO COME ON THE X FACTOR
SOME RANDOM UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE
AAAAND CHEEERRR LLLOOOYYYDDD
It's become that transparent, folks.
So here's my review of tonight's show - Dannii's dress was pretty.
See you next week!
...wait what?
It's a Halloween-themed week?
Which means songs with ridiculuosly tenuous links to Halloween, ripe for the mocking?
And costumes and make-up even more hideous and bizarre than usual, clearly intended to attract mockery and scorn like brains attract zombies?
Screw this, let's roll. Walsh, bite me.
LAST WEEKEND ON THE X FACTOR
THE COMPETITION REACHED NEW HEIGHTS
AND I FOR ONE FELT LIKE JUMPING
Yes, tonight is Halloween night, and here comes Zombie O'Leary! Tonight the contestants will be singing "Songs inspired by the dark side" apparently, which doesn't bode well given my fears last week that Katie's performance might summon a portal to Hell. I can't wait for Wagner to break into a Children Of Bodom classic.
Here come the judges! We have Dannii, with Jedward-tribute hair, Louis with comical spotted bow-tie, Cheryl dressed in her usual elegant and understated manner, and Sir Simon of Cowell, complete with hilarious teeth (and a couple of fangs too).
All the performances are available to download on iTunes if you feel like really terrifying people at a Halloween party this weekend!
First up, it's "The Diva from Dublin - that's DUBLIN. YOU KNOW, IN IRELAND" Mary Byrne! The VT starts with the "Be more current" criticism from last week, so obviously she's going to be singing something a little more up to date. Personally I'm holding out for "Smack My Bitch Up". Oh, according to Simon she's singing Barry Manilow - I don't think he did a version of that, although he has covered just about every other song on the planet so maybe there's hope. "Everyone wants to see a different side of Mary", bleats perennial tosser Brian Friedman. I'd imagine much like the dark side of the moon, the 'other side' of Mary is a cold, inhospitable place with scarily deep valleys and craters that mankind may have once thought about exploring but has recently changed its mind.
Here she is, and if this is anything to go by then the 'Halloween' theme essentially means 'more mascara, eyeliner and some devil horns'. Oh, she's singing "Could It Be Magic?". Get it? Magic? Witches? Halloween? Or perhaps the Halloween tie-in is the hideous visage of Barry Manilow, who knows? Anyways, Mary is wearing black and singing boringly. The camera gets in some side-angle shots - dangerously close to exposing us to Mary's 'other side', and she tries to move occasionally but her movements just look like she's miming reaching into the food cupboard and searching for some crisps. Oh, there are some dancers in cages too, and I'm momentarily distracted thinking of the fun Harry Hill could have with this and Wagbo next weekend. To be fair to Mary the innate boringness and cruiselinerishness of the song makes it a hard one to sing well or even interestingly, but this really is the epitome of one step forwards, two steps back.
The judges predictably loved it. Cheryl seemed particularly happy about the devil horns, perhaps because they nicely complement the halo that Cowell holds permanently above her head. "Liked you last week... loved you this week" mumbles Simon the living cliché machine. You used that one last week Simon, at least Mary gives it a few weeks before recycling songs. "You are a horny little devil", he announces. The nation cringes. "You are the people's champion" proclaims the giant internet-hating tossba... err Louis. No Louis, former WWF wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the people's champion, you're a decade too late with that one.
Speaking of wrestlers, up next it's "Stone Cold" Aiden Grimshaw. He's at somewhat of an advantage tonight seeing as every day is Halloween in Aidenville. Cowell is quite amusingly openly mocking his dourness in the VT, and when he starts mocking you for being too cold, well, it's time to press the panic button.
Here he is, and wait, is that a mannequin on stage? Oh no, wait, it's singing, it can't be. But wait! There are mannequins, scattered around the singing mannequin! No wait they're actually dancers made up to look like mannequins because they're moving! But wait, maybe they are mannequins and are just remotely controlled somehow! No, wait, the way they're moving makes that impossible, they're definitely people! But they'd suffocate in those masks if they were masks, they're mannequins!
In case you're wondering why I'm blabbering on about the mannequin dancers, it's primarily a defense mechanism to stop me from concentrating on the brutal murder that is taking place. No, Aiden isn't hungry for human flesh again, he's taking a chainsaw to the withering corpse of Michael Jackson and flailing around with it like a majorette or conductor with their respective batons. Aiden gets one point for being brave enough to sing an almost unrecognisable version of a classic ("Thriller"). Unfortunately he gets minus 1000 points because it's possibly the worst thing I've ever heard. You can be as 'intense' as you like, but if you don't connect with a song on any level at all, that 'intensity' just comes over as self-indulgent nonsense. Awful-sounding self-indulgent nonsense, at that.
So with that in mind, let's play a game where we replace a word in the judges comments with another word. See if you can guess what it is!
Louis: "It was a very, very awful performance... you're a very awful performer as well Aiden"
Cheryl: "I don't think every song you do requires that amount of awfulness"
Simon calls him out on the indulgent nature of the performance, which is nice of him although it makes me feel a little less special for thinking the same. "Halloween is here - you stuck to the theme" warbles Dannii. Err, yes, he's Aiden. He's industrial-strength superglued to the bloody theme. Oh, grandad-dance revival as he speaks to Dermot! I do hope this becomes a weekly segment if he survives, it's the only redeeming feature he has at the moment, although the 'I've just been electrocuted' smile is quite endearing too.
Bellamy and Rebecca after t'break!
Bellamy were SO HAPPY after being declared safe last week. And Simon AIR PUNCHED! "This week is a well known girl band song that will show their personality" declares Simon. Their personality being 'derivative girl band', I can only assume. The vocal coach guy says the song is "About them all blending together". I don't know who any of them are as it is aside from Nondescript Spice #1-4 - if they blend together any more then Cheryl will suddenly have 5 acts in the competition and the universe may implode.
There are half-naked men and flames on the stage and it takes me a minute to recall that Diva Fever were actually eliminated a couple of weeks ago. Oh, here come the girls, emerging from coffins and singing "Venus" like they've just been disturbed half way through a 1000-year slumber. The most remarkable thing about the performance is Nondescript Spice #3's astounding mountain of red hair. Really it's a lesson in why groups manufactured on-the-spot invariably don't work, the parts may be sort of decent but the sum of them is awful. The girls have woken from their 500-year slumber and arrived in a time where harmonising doesn't exist.
Louis loved the styling, staging and song choice. Note the lack of him loving a certain other, quite important 's' word, probably because if he mentioned singing he'd have to then mention a fifth, somewhat less broadcastable 's' word. Dannii tears into them for their vocal weakness, well as much anyone has torn into anyone else this series. Poor Cheryl can't bring herself to directly criticize their singing for some bizarre, unexplainable reason, favouring vague confidence-related platitudes. "Plate of milk for the girls" Simon sneers. Plate of cowpats for Simon, given the manure he's guaranteed to start spreading once his mouth opens again. Phone hands from Nondescript Spice #4.
Over to the girls and Chezza! First up, unsurprisingly, it's Rebecca. "We know Rebecca's got the voice but now we need to see how much she really wants to win this competition", declares Louis. Umm, she's probably going to illustrate her desire to win this competition which on some sort of level is still mildly about singing by, umm, singing? Or am I being absurd again?
Rebecca apparently just wants to "Keep getting better", which is a shame because this isn't nearly as good as last week. She's singing the awfully dull "Wicked Game" (wicked --> witch --> Halloween, get it? Eh? Eh?), and trying her best to rouse some interest from the deepest inner recesses of the song, but it's not to be. It's a little more nasally and piercing than usual, but not bad. The judges loved it and blah blah blah boring boring boring wait did Cheryl really just say "You're the perfect ambassador for Britain" to her? Forget trained diplomats and politicians, we should absolutely send random scouse girl from some TV talent show to the next round of Middle-East peace negotiations (although I suppose it's no less absurd than Tony Blair being made Middle-East peace envoy).
Ads.
Up next, it's over to Cheryl again and the other girl she doesn't really give much of a toss about, Tracey! Blah blah bottom two, blah blah "massive panic attack" (hint: if you'd actually had a 'massive panic attack' you wouldn't have been able to move, much less sing dear, don't insult the intelligence of the average X Factor viewe... wait, never mind. She's singing "Relight My Fire" (Fire! They burned witches at the stake! Witches = Halloween! Get it?) and it's nice that she's found a place between "whisper" and "earth-shattering squeal". I don't remember the bit in Little Red Riding Hood where she breaks into "Relight My Fire", is that in one of the modernized versions? Regardless, that's what she's dressed as and it's about as convincing as having Aiden dress up as a teddy bear.
Dannii is surprisingly critical (I should note that given her hair I'm expecting her to break into an awful rendition of 'Ice Ice Baby' or the Ghostbusters theme at any point), and Simon agrees, saying that she is unoriginal and devoid of direction. The fact that she's one of the few acts that can actually sort of sing is, of course, unimportant.
Oh, here's voiceover guy
STILL TO COME ON THE X FACTOR
SOME RANDOM UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE
AAAAND CHEEERRR LLLOOOYYYDDD
It's become that transparent, folks.
Monday, 25 October 2010
Results Show 3 - October 24 2010
TONIGHT!
ONE ACT WILL LEAVE THE COMPETITION!
NOT TWO ACTS LIKE WE ORIGINALLY SAID!
BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE CHANGED THE RULES AT THE LAST MINUTE FOR SOME REASON!
HOW MYSTERIOUS!
Yes, it's results show time! With Bubble and Squeak... err I mean Bublé and Cole!
Here come the judges, and Cheryl appears to be wearing tin foil - hopefully a precursor to someone stuffing her with sage and onion and throwing her into an oven for 90 minutes at gas mark 6.
Oh wonderful, it's group performance time! They're singing "Forget You" (that's right, "Forget You" - definitely not "4-letter word beginning with F You"), and it's as horrifying as always. Highlights include Cher and Paije not being able to mime quickly enough to keep up with their parts, Asian-Spice-Who-Refused-To-Dance from One Direction looking terminally bored and John's hairdo being modified to look more like mushroom cloud than yesterday's plain mushroom.
And here comes the recap. If those dancers in John's performance were so horrible, why take up 90% of his recap video with them? Wait, don't answer that, it should be obvious. In other news TreyC falls into the trap of not being modest and instead saying she did well and is really pleased with herself. I don't normally bother watching these recaps but I'm glad I did when we get to Belle Amie and Louis backstage ranting at the camera about Simon concentrating on the boyband and not caring about the girls just as what looked like Curly Spice from One Direction walks nonchalantly past. Probably an entirely scripted moment, but it was still amusing. The other prime comedy moment was Katie backstage saying "That's who I am.... fun!" as unconvincingly as humanly possible.
"One of the best X Factor's ever", mutters Louis. Face, meet palm.
Here's Bubble! I can't really mock the intro captions for either performer this week, but luckily Bubble is miming hilariously and not even trying to hide it, often holding the mic at arms length as if he's handling a poisonous snake. It reminds me of the time when Muse switched their singer/guitarist and drummer around on TOTP in protest at being forced to mime (at least I think It was Muse and I think it was TOTP, I could be wrong on both counts but someone has definitely done it). Anyway it's all very middle of the road and, well, all very Michael Bublé.
He's apparently broken off his holiday to be here, and judging by his swift responses to Dermot's (admittedly inane) questions he's quite eager to get back to said holiday.
Ads, and lines are closed! Cheryl has disappeared somewhere so we don't get her invaluable input as Dermot asks the judges to pimp some acts.
Here comes Cheryl and, oh my! She appears to have forgotten half of her outfit! Luckily it appears that she is going to attempt to summon a pair of trousers through the power of dance, and she's got a dozen or so guys to help her (seriously, the performance is infinitely more enjoyable if you mute it and imagine it as some Native Indian Trouser Dance). She's certainly not going to try summoning anything through the art of singing - as part of the song appears to be a dance version of the "A-wimoweh" part of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and the rest of it is just nondescript dullness, mimed throughout of course (although given the trouser-summoning dance routine it's hard to criticize her for miming I suppose). Oh, there's the first sighting of blatant autotune in the chorus! She wanders around behind the judges for a while and bizarrely it appears to be Louis who's perving over her the most. I hope this trouser-summoning is done soon, otherwise Louis might end up turning. There's also a fantastic bit towards the end where I can only assume she actually is singing live (presumably in an attempt to mask that the rest was miming although in fact it just emphasizes this more) because it sounds awful.
In all honesty though I'd rather listen to this than Bubble.
Also, I own two Girls Aloud albums.
What? It's still guilty pleasure weekend, right?
Oh here's Dermot copping a feel, too.
Wait, is her album really called "Messy Little Raindrops"?
After the break! The results! Au revoir ma cherie Belle Amie!
Here come the acts and here come the results. I resist the temptation to start chanting "COME ON WAGNER" as if I were at a football match.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER Cher is safe, and suddenly the razor blades look more appealing. Dermy ploghs through the 'safe' acts, with Wagner announced surprisingly early to a mixture of boos and cheers from the audience. Those booers better have a damn good reason ready for when they meet Lord Wagner at the pearly gates. Anyway on we go and... WHAT?! Belle Amie are safe? I suppose one should never underestimate the power of the bounceback vote, especially when coupled with Louis invocation of the sympathy vote to back it up. In one of those fleeting moments of real emotion that reminds me of better times and can't help but force a smile, Simon actually looks even more delighted than the girls do, and I think all involved are surprised. Louis looks horrified.
We're left after all is said and done with Paije, John and TreyC and the realization that the internet will be awash with idiots crying racism in 5 minutes is a little too much to bear. Paije is safe! He has survived the immense screwjob attempt of putting him on first dressed as someone from Butlins! Don't get me wrong, he has no chance of winning but he could be an outside bet to last longer than many might expect given his survival this week. They can't screw him so blatantly again next week can the... wait, don't answer that.
So John and TreyC. Two men (well, one man and one woman) enter, one man (woman) leaves. The screwjob on Paije may have failed but the even more ridiculous one on John (seriously I refuse to believe that even Brian Friedman could have thought those dancers were a good idea) appears to have worked perfectly because there's no chance he's getting through barring some ridiculous deadlock crap a la last series.
Ads, and now here comes John and oh God he knows he's leaving and there's nothing he can do to stop it. When you know you're doomed things can go one of two ways - you can put on an astounding performance and leave with one last hurrah or you can completely fall to pieces and sound awful. John is firmly in the latter camp. He's singing "Because of You", or more accurately "BEEEIIHHEECAAAEEEIIAAUUHHHHSSSHHHEEEE OF YOUUU". Oh and just for good measure when he's not butchering words by adding a few dozen vowels to them he appears to be forgetting them.
TreyC could come on and sing the Postman Pat theme tune and survive to be honest, but she's instead opted for "One Night Only". Again the problems with her switching instantly from min to max volume are apparent and at time she seems like she's trying too hard (even more than usual) and it's shouty in places but it's infinitely better than John.
Louis saves his act and votes to dispose of TreyC of course, Cheryl and Dannii dispatch John, leaving Simon in the postion of power that he loves so much. You can tell he's hiding a giant boner under the desk as he umms and ahhs knowing full well from the start he's going to send John home. And so it proves, "I'm going to send home...John" he declares, as he probably makes some Messy Little Raindrops in his pants.
Farewell Yawn Adeleyeyeyeyeye, we hardly knew ye because ye weren't plastered all over the tabloids every day and weren't given a gimmick by the powers that be (aside from funny hair).
Makes sense that the one week I don't mention John in my predictions to go, he goes.
Until next week, when surely Belle Amie have to be put out of their misery!
ONE ACT WILL LEAVE THE COMPETITION!
NOT TWO ACTS LIKE WE ORIGINALLY SAID!
BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE CHANGED THE RULES AT THE LAST MINUTE FOR SOME REASON!
HOW MYSTERIOUS!
Yes, it's results show time! With Bubble and Squeak... err I mean Bublé and Cole!
Here come the judges, and Cheryl appears to be wearing tin foil - hopefully a precursor to someone stuffing her with sage and onion and throwing her into an oven for 90 minutes at gas mark 6.
Oh wonderful, it's group performance time! They're singing "Forget You" (that's right, "Forget You" - definitely not "4-letter word beginning with F You"), and it's as horrifying as always. Highlights include Cher and Paije not being able to mime quickly enough to keep up with their parts, Asian-Spice-Who-Refused-To-Dance from One Direction looking terminally bored and John's hairdo being modified to look more like mushroom cloud than yesterday's plain mushroom.
And here comes the recap. If those dancers in John's performance were so horrible, why take up 90% of his recap video with them? Wait, don't answer that, it should be obvious. In other news TreyC falls into the trap of not being modest and instead saying she did well and is really pleased with herself. I don't normally bother watching these recaps but I'm glad I did when we get to Belle Amie and Louis backstage ranting at the camera about Simon concentrating on the boyband and not caring about the girls just as what looked like Curly Spice from One Direction walks nonchalantly past. Probably an entirely scripted moment, but it was still amusing. The other prime comedy moment was Katie backstage saying "That's who I am.... fun!" as unconvincingly as humanly possible.
"One of the best X Factor's ever", mutters Louis. Face, meet palm.
Here's Bubble! I can't really mock the intro captions for either performer this week, but luckily Bubble is miming hilariously and not even trying to hide it, often holding the mic at arms length as if he's handling a poisonous snake. It reminds me of the time when Muse switched their singer/guitarist and drummer around on TOTP in protest at being forced to mime (at least I think It was Muse and I think it was TOTP, I could be wrong on both counts but someone has definitely done it). Anyway it's all very middle of the road and, well, all very Michael Bublé.
He's apparently broken off his holiday to be here, and judging by his swift responses to Dermot's (admittedly inane) questions he's quite eager to get back to said holiday.
Ads, and lines are closed! Cheryl has disappeared somewhere so we don't get her invaluable input as Dermot asks the judges to pimp some acts.
Here comes Cheryl and, oh my! She appears to have forgotten half of her outfit! Luckily it appears that she is going to attempt to summon a pair of trousers through the power of dance, and she's got a dozen or so guys to help her (seriously, the performance is infinitely more enjoyable if you mute it and imagine it as some Native Indian Trouser Dance). She's certainly not going to try summoning anything through the art of singing - as part of the song appears to be a dance version of the "A-wimoweh" part of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and the rest of it is just nondescript dullness, mimed throughout of course (although given the trouser-summoning dance routine it's hard to criticize her for miming I suppose). Oh, there's the first sighting of blatant autotune in the chorus! She wanders around behind the judges for a while and bizarrely it appears to be Louis who's perving over her the most. I hope this trouser-summoning is done soon, otherwise Louis might end up turning. There's also a fantastic bit towards the end where I can only assume she actually is singing live (presumably in an attempt to mask that the rest was miming although in fact it just emphasizes this more) because it sounds awful.
In all honesty though I'd rather listen to this than Bubble.
Also, I own two Girls Aloud albums.
What? It's still guilty pleasure weekend, right?
Oh here's Dermot copping a feel, too.
Wait, is her album really called "Messy Little Raindrops"?
After the break! The results! Au revoir ma cherie Belle Amie!
Here come the acts and here come the results. I resist the temptation to start chanting "COME ON WAGNER" as if I were at a football match.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER Cher is safe, and suddenly the razor blades look more appealing. Dermy ploghs through the 'safe' acts, with Wagner announced surprisingly early to a mixture of boos and cheers from the audience. Those booers better have a damn good reason ready for when they meet Lord Wagner at the pearly gates. Anyway on we go and... WHAT?! Belle Amie are safe? I suppose one should never underestimate the power of the bounceback vote, especially when coupled with Louis invocation of the sympathy vote to back it up. In one of those fleeting moments of real emotion that reminds me of better times and can't help but force a smile, Simon actually looks even more delighted than the girls do, and I think all involved are surprised. Louis looks horrified.
We're left after all is said and done with Paije, John and TreyC and the realization that the internet will be awash with idiots crying racism in 5 minutes is a little too much to bear. Paije is safe! He has survived the immense screwjob attempt of putting him on first dressed as someone from Butlins! Don't get me wrong, he has no chance of winning but he could be an outside bet to last longer than many might expect given his survival this week. They can't screw him so blatantly again next week can the... wait, don't answer that.
So John and TreyC. Two men (well, one man and one woman) enter, one man (woman) leaves. The screwjob on Paije may have failed but the even more ridiculous one on John (seriously I refuse to believe that even Brian Friedman could have thought those dancers were a good idea) appears to have worked perfectly because there's no chance he's getting through barring some ridiculous deadlock crap a la last series.
Ads, and now here comes John and oh God he knows he's leaving and there's nothing he can do to stop it. When you know you're doomed things can go one of two ways - you can put on an astounding performance and leave with one last hurrah or you can completely fall to pieces and sound awful. John is firmly in the latter camp. He's singing "Because of You", or more accurately "BEEEIIHHEECAAAEEEIIAAUUHHHHSSSHHHEEEE OF YOUUU". Oh and just for good measure when he's not butchering words by adding a few dozen vowels to them he appears to be forgetting them.
TreyC could come on and sing the Postman Pat theme tune and survive to be honest, but she's instead opted for "One Night Only". Again the problems with her switching instantly from min to max volume are apparent and at time she seems like she's trying too hard (even more than usual) and it's shouty in places but it's infinitely better than John.
Louis saves his act and votes to dispose of TreyC of course, Cheryl and Dannii dispatch John, leaving Simon in the postion of power that he loves so much. You can tell he's hiding a giant boner under the desk as he umms and ahhs knowing full well from the start he's going to send John home. And so it proves, "I'm going to send home...John" he declares, as he probably makes some Messy Little Raindrops in his pants.
Farewell Yawn Adeleyeyeyeyeye, we hardly knew ye because ye weren't plastered all over the tabloids every day and weren't given a gimmick by the powers that be (aside from funny hair).
Makes sense that the one week I don't mention John in my predictions to go, he goes.
Until next week, when surely Belle Amie have to be put out of their misery!
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Live Show 3 - October 23 2010 (part 2)
"With TreyC I know she's got the voice but I'm waiting for her to prove she's a pop star"
Uh-oh, more cocaine-snorting training next week, methinks.
Yes we're back, and it's time for Tracey, who wants to show us she's "More than just a little girl with a big voice". The outfit she struts out onto stage in goes some way to helping - with what looks like plumed shoulder pads she looks more like a transvestite American Footballer (with a big voice). She's singing Led Zeppelin - in guilty pleasures week no less. I'm quite certain song choices won't get more nonsensical than this. Yes evidently Cheryl, who is probably pushing on 30 years old still apparently has that mentality that most children grow out of at some point in their teens where any music that either of their parents listen to is automatically incredibly uncool and should not be listened to ever by anyone.
Wait, there are dancers wearing American Football helmets which makes me think that whoever is responsible for the God-awful outfits we've seen tonight knew full well what he was making Tracey look like with those bizarre shoulder pads. Anyway, it's a decent performance, but something about it just doesn't 'fit'. She still has no mid-range and bellows from start to finish, too. Given the bizarre song choice (not only given that it's guilty pleasures week) she could be a surprise 'eviction' on Sunday night.
I bet Simon is regretting ever bringing Elton John up as Louis seems to have taken it as carte blanche to refer to him after every subsequent performance. More sales for Mr. John! Simon doesn't think she nailed the big notes - given the way she sung the song the 'big notes' would be all of them, so that's really rather damning. Oh, quote of the night material from Simon right here, "You've literally transformed into a different person". Literally. "Despite you not being well you haven't moaned and groaned" says Cheryl, who is on that Piers Morgan show immediately afterwards moaning and groaning about malaria for half an hour.
Judging from Dermot's 'interview' with Tracey we should be considering adding use of the word "Diva" to the X Factor drinking game as well. "You don't fit in here if you don't complain" mutters O'Leary sarcastically. I urge Tracey to reply, "Well okay then, you're an ugly smug tosser who can't present to save his life", but alas I am disappointed.
Up next it's THE PRIDE OF IRELAND (marybyrne)! She had trouble in rehearsals and is reverting to her original audition song. Now, I'm no expert on these things, but when you're having to recycle songs and it's only week 3, you're in a little spot of trouble, no? Dannii says in the VT that singing her audition song is a "Very brave thing to do". Umm, care to justify that dear? No, I didn't think so.
Mary is dressed in black, standing behind a microphone, waving her arms about occasionally. If you look carefully you can pinpoint the exact moment that Mary falls from the peak and her slippery descent down Mount X Factor's unforgiving slopes begins. She still sings well, but it's all starting to get very old and repetitive. Week 3 is when these things start to become readily apparent and as such is possibly the worst time she could have picked to recycle her audition song. She may well be this year's 'shock' week 5 exit at this rate.
"You represent REAL women with REAL life experience" bleats Chezza meaninglessly as I half expect her to chain herself to some railings somewhere. "You deliver every single time". That's the Royal Mail Cheryl, not Tesco. Sharp minds that they are, Dannii and Simon at least are starting to pick up on the repetitiveness of it all, insisting that she should do something more current in the future.
Ads, then over to Dannii to introduce "The gorgeous Aiden Grimshaw". I'm not sure where the 'gorgeous' comes from given that he looks and moves around on stage like Hermann Munster. Oh wow, he's on a platform and the chains are back! They're doing their best to portray him as some kind of psychopath and completely alienate him from the voting public, but to be fair Aiden himself isn't exactly helping matters. He's singing "Diamonds Are Forever" and it's every bit as wayward, out of tune and devoid of personality (unless "psycho" counts as a desirable trait in a singer) as last week.
Walsh - "I loved you week one, I loved you week two, I love you week three! Please sleep with me!". Okay, maybe I made the last bit up. "You tick every single box" - DRINK. You can tell Cheryl didn't like it but in order to appease Sir Cowell instead of launching into a full-on tirade she just waffles for a while about "intensity". This doesn't stop Cowell from disagreeing with her - he's "Back in the game" (DRINK).
Now it's time for undisputably the best part of any Aiden performance, the horrifying interview with Dermot! Aiden throws in a horribly unconvincing "Woo!" to show he is not a deranged serial killer but just a normal guy, then hilariously when Dermot asks him about being intense he replies in the 'I haven't planned to do this all week honest' moment of the show "I can bust a move too though", while doing a comical little grandad-dance. Magnificent - if he keeps this up he'll soon be rivalling Wagner in the comedy stakes.
After the break, Belle Amie (hands up who'd forgotten they existed?) and Wagner (hands up who's been suffering through all this crap just for him?)!
Cue Belle Amie, and cue your bog-standard "WAAAH we were in the bottom three" VT. Oh, they've changed their song and you can tell from the snippet of him in the VT that Cowell is not pleased at them for doing so. According to Nondescript Spice #2, the new song shows off all their individual voices. Uh-oh, even Nondescript Spice #4, the blonde one who can't sing and just stands there and looks 'pretty'? Cheryl - "If you're going to choose your own song what's the point in having a mentor?". Sometimes Chezza dear you make it far, far too easy.
They're hilariously sitting on a brightly lit bench, which makes it seem like light is shining out of their arses or something. That's quite a contrast to the dull tones that are coming out of their mouths. It's "I'll Stand By You", and in honour of Cheryl weekend they're doing a karaoke copy of the Girls Aloud version. The funny thing is they're not as awful as Simon's other group but they have no chance of getting past the next couple of weeks. Such is the power of the tween.
Oh Louis. Even when you're making a perfectly good and true point you have a way of delivering it that just makes me (and indeed everyone) want to disagree with you. The gist of what he's saying is that Simon doesn't care about the girls because he's putting all his efforts into One Direction (I bet Louis would like to put all his efforts into them too). Cheryl felt like she "Wanted to be up there singing with you". Well Chezza now that Nondescript Spice #4 is actually singing they need a new member who can't sing to just stand there and look pretty, so you'd be a perfect fit.
It's Wagner time! I've read song spoilers before watching the show so I know what's coming, and I'm in hysterics just thinking about it. He too went shopping, although I'm a little curious as to what he might have bought from Topshop.
He's singing "Spice Up Your Life" and it's every bit as awful as you might expect. Even by Wagner standards it's tuneless and his timing is awful. But of course, that's not why we watch Wagner. No, instead it's his hilarious dancing and wonderful facial expressions as he ogles the half-naked girls dancing around him that win the day as usual. And now, to top it all off, he's transitioning into "Livin' La Vida Loca", which is like taking a four cheese pizza and, well, adding more cheese. Now there are male dancers joining the fray too and they and the girls are kneeling before Lord Wagner, praising his awesomeness. After the John Adeleye dancers incident, Louis is obviously keen to show he knows how to make copulating dancers actually fit in with a song and performance.
But the best is saved for last. As the song closes the dancers line up with their backs to stage and two of them, ahem, 'expose' themselves to Wagner, who's face is adorned with the most fantastic 'caught on camera' look that has ever been seen. Cheryl looks aghast, as Simon next to her grins and all four judges have trouble collecting and expressing their thoughts. If Paije arrived at a Butlins in Milton Keynes earlier on, Wagner has arrived at the pearly gates and is being invited in with open arms and exposed breasts aplenty.
After the break and last to perform (but there's no favoritism here, got it?) it's Katie! I've read song spoilers for her too and I can hardly wait.
The problem with Katie is the powers that be can try all the image makeovers in existence, but they won't work. They've tried gimmicky Gaga Katie, gimmickless Katie, and now they're trying 'fun' Katie. The problem is that the public has an image of vacuous self-absorbed cow who already had a record deal and was 'in bed' with the powers that be (perhaps literally, perhaps not) Katie firmly imprinted in their minds, and that's not going to be shifted easily. To be fair to her she's doing a far better job of the whole 'meek and humble' thing in her VT than Cher did - spouting out how grateful she is to be here and how thankful she is and blah blah blah, but that sort of think didn't work for Danyl last year and it won't work for Katie this time - the damage is already done.
With Gaga-Jr and "The Real Katie" having failed, now she's channelling Marilyn Monroe and singing "I Wanna Be Like You-u-u". Yes, that's right and not a typo, she's singing that song from the Jungle Book. The really weird thing is it's not absolutely terrible and nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although given that after reading the song spoiler I expected a portal to Hell to emerge mid-performance and Satan himself to appear bellowing "SO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET OF MAN'S RED FIRE MORTAL?" before setting the studio alight and heralding the onset of the apocalypse, perhaps saying "It's not as bad as I expected" is very, very faint praise.
The real issue is that given that Katie is immediately following Wagner, this just seems like Wagner-lite. There's also something innately comical about her singing "I wanna be like youuu" given her blatant imitation of at least three completely different artists in the past couple of months.
The judges predictably lap what was at best an average performance up. Why they are continually trying to push her I have no idea given that even with all the underhanded help in the world she has no chance of reaching the final, let alone winning. Anyway, Dermot gives her a chance to continue the whole 'meek and humble' act, and VOTING LINES ARE OPEN OH GOD HOW EXCITING.
Recap and close. On Sunday night only one act will leave the competition. Given that up until they were introduced and then from about 2 minutes after their performance I'd forgotten they even existed, I'm going to call Belle Amie leaving, with Paije being saved by t'judges. I hope I'm wrong and somehow Katie leaves because if she carries on like this it is only a matter of time before the gates to Hell really do swing open.
Uh-oh, more cocaine-snorting training next week, methinks.
Yes we're back, and it's time for Tracey, who wants to show us she's "More than just a little girl with a big voice". The outfit she struts out onto stage in goes some way to helping - with what looks like plumed shoulder pads she looks more like a transvestite American Footballer (with a big voice). She's singing Led Zeppelin - in guilty pleasures week no less. I'm quite certain song choices won't get more nonsensical than this. Yes evidently Cheryl, who is probably pushing on 30 years old still apparently has that mentality that most children grow out of at some point in their teens where any music that either of their parents listen to is automatically incredibly uncool and should not be listened to ever by anyone.
Wait, there are dancers wearing American Football helmets which makes me think that whoever is responsible for the God-awful outfits we've seen tonight knew full well what he was making Tracey look like with those bizarre shoulder pads. Anyway, it's a decent performance, but something about it just doesn't 'fit'. She still has no mid-range and bellows from start to finish, too. Given the bizarre song choice (not only given that it's guilty pleasures week) she could be a surprise 'eviction' on Sunday night.
I bet Simon is regretting ever bringing Elton John up as Louis seems to have taken it as carte blanche to refer to him after every subsequent performance. More sales for Mr. John! Simon doesn't think she nailed the big notes - given the way she sung the song the 'big notes' would be all of them, so that's really rather damning. Oh, quote of the night material from Simon right here, "You've literally transformed into a different person". Literally. "Despite you not being well you haven't moaned and groaned" says Cheryl, who is on that Piers Morgan show immediately afterwards moaning and groaning about malaria for half an hour.
Judging from Dermot's 'interview' with Tracey we should be considering adding use of the word "Diva" to the X Factor drinking game as well. "You don't fit in here if you don't complain" mutters O'Leary sarcastically. I urge Tracey to reply, "Well okay then, you're an ugly smug tosser who can't present to save his life", but alas I am disappointed.
Up next it's THE PRIDE OF IRELAND (marybyrne)! She had trouble in rehearsals and is reverting to her original audition song. Now, I'm no expert on these things, but when you're having to recycle songs and it's only week 3, you're in a little spot of trouble, no? Dannii says in the VT that singing her audition song is a "Very brave thing to do". Umm, care to justify that dear? No, I didn't think so.
Mary is dressed in black, standing behind a microphone, waving her arms about occasionally. If you look carefully you can pinpoint the exact moment that Mary falls from the peak and her slippery descent down Mount X Factor's unforgiving slopes begins. She still sings well, but it's all starting to get very old and repetitive. Week 3 is when these things start to become readily apparent and as such is possibly the worst time she could have picked to recycle her audition song. She may well be this year's 'shock' week 5 exit at this rate.
"You represent REAL women with REAL life experience" bleats Chezza meaninglessly as I half expect her to chain herself to some railings somewhere. "You deliver every single time". That's the Royal Mail Cheryl, not Tesco. Sharp minds that they are, Dannii and Simon at least are starting to pick up on the repetitiveness of it all, insisting that she should do something more current in the future.
Ads, then over to Dannii to introduce "The gorgeous Aiden Grimshaw". I'm not sure where the 'gorgeous' comes from given that he looks and moves around on stage like Hermann Munster. Oh wow, he's on a platform and the chains are back! They're doing their best to portray him as some kind of psychopath and completely alienate him from the voting public, but to be fair Aiden himself isn't exactly helping matters. He's singing "Diamonds Are Forever" and it's every bit as wayward, out of tune and devoid of personality (unless "psycho" counts as a desirable trait in a singer) as last week.
Walsh - "I loved you week one, I loved you week two, I love you week three! Please sleep with me!". Okay, maybe I made the last bit up. "You tick every single box" - DRINK. You can tell Cheryl didn't like it but in order to appease Sir Cowell instead of launching into a full-on tirade she just waffles for a while about "intensity". This doesn't stop Cowell from disagreeing with her - he's "Back in the game" (DRINK).
Now it's time for undisputably the best part of any Aiden performance, the horrifying interview with Dermot! Aiden throws in a horribly unconvincing "Woo!" to show he is not a deranged serial killer but just a normal guy, then hilariously when Dermot asks him about being intense he replies in the 'I haven't planned to do this all week honest' moment of the show "I can bust a move too though", while doing a comical little grandad-dance. Magnificent - if he keeps this up he'll soon be rivalling Wagner in the comedy stakes.
After the break, Belle Amie (hands up who'd forgotten they existed?) and Wagner (hands up who's been suffering through all this crap just for him?)!
Cue Belle Amie, and cue your bog-standard "WAAAH we were in the bottom three" VT. Oh, they've changed their song and you can tell from the snippet of him in the VT that Cowell is not pleased at them for doing so. According to Nondescript Spice #2, the new song shows off all their individual voices. Uh-oh, even Nondescript Spice #4, the blonde one who can't sing and just stands there and looks 'pretty'? Cheryl - "If you're going to choose your own song what's the point in having a mentor?". Sometimes Chezza dear you make it far, far too easy.
They're hilariously sitting on a brightly lit bench, which makes it seem like light is shining out of their arses or something. That's quite a contrast to the dull tones that are coming out of their mouths. It's "I'll Stand By You", and in honour of Cheryl weekend they're doing a karaoke copy of the Girls Aloud version. The funny thing is they're not as awful as Simon's other group but they have no chance of getting past the next couple of weeks. Such is the power of the tween.
Oh Louis. Even when you're making a perfectly good and true point you have a way of delivering it that just makes me (and indeed everyone) want to disagree with you. The gist of what he's saying is that Simon doesn't care about the girls because he's putting all his efforts into One Direction (I bet Louis would like to put all his efforts into them too). Cheryl felt like she "Wanted to be up there singing with you". Well Chezza now that Nondescript Spice #4 is actually singing they need a new member who can't sing to just stand there and look pretty, so you'd be a perfect fit.
It's Wagner time! I've read song spoilers before watching the show so I know what's coming, and I'm in hysterics just thinking about it. He too went shopping, although I'm a little curious as to what he might have bought from Topshop.
He's singing "Spice Up Your Life" and it's every bit as awful as you might expect. Even by Wagner standards it's tuneless and his timing is awful. But of course, that's not why we watch Wagner. No, instead it's his hilarious dancing and wonderful facial expressions as he ogles the half-naked girls dancing around him that win the day as usual. And now, to top it all off, he's transitioning into "Livin' La Vida Loca", which is like taking a four cheese pizza and, well, adding more cheese. Now there are male dancers joining the fray too and they and the girls are kneeling before Lord Wagner, praising his awesomeness. After the John Adeleye dancers incident, Louis is obviously keen to show he knows how to make copulating dancers actually fit in with a song and performance.
But the best is saved for last. As the song closes the dancers line up with their backs to stage and two of them, ahem, 'expose' themselves to Wagner, who's face is adorned with the most fantastic 'caught on camera' look that has ever been seen. Cheryl looks aghast, as Simon next to her grins and all four judges have trouble collecting and expressing their thoughts. If Paije arrived at a Butlins in Milton Keynes earlier on, Wagner has arrived at the pearly gates and is being invited in with open arms and exposed breasts aplenty.
After the break and last to perform (but there's no favoritism here, got it?) it's Katie! I've read song spoilers for her too and I can hardly wait.
The problem with Katie is the powers that be can try all the image makeovers in existence, but they won't work. They've tried gimmicky Gaga Katie, gimmickless Katie, and now they're trying 'fun' Katie. The problem is that the public has an image of vacuous self-absorbed cow who already had a record deal and was 'in bed' with the powers that be (perhaps literally, perhaps not) Katie firmly imprinted in their minds, and that's not going to be shifted easily. To be fair to her she's doing a far better job of the whole 'meek and humble' thing in her VT than Cher did - spouting out how grateful she is to be here and how thankful she is and blah blah blah, but that sort of think didn't work for Danyl last year and it won't work for Katie this time - the damage is already done.
With Gaga-Jr and "The Real Katie" having failed, now she's channelling Marilyn Monroe and singing "I Wanna Be Like You-u-u". Yes, that's right and not a typo, she's singing that song from the Jungle Book. The really weird thing is it's not absolutely terrible and nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although given that after reading the song spoiler I expected a portal to Hell to emerge mid-performance and Satan himself to appear bellowing "SO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET OF MAN'S RED FIRE MORTAL?" before setting the studio alight and heralding the onset of the apocalypse, perhaps saying "It's not as bad as I expected" is very, very faint praise.
The real issue is that given that Katie is immediately following Wagner, this just seems like Wagner-lite. There's also something innately comical about her singing "I wanna be like youuu" given her blatant imitation of at least three completely different artists in the past couple of months.
The judges predictably lap what was at best an average performance up. Why they are continually trying to push her I have no idea given that even with all the underhanded help in the world she has no chance of reaching the final, let alone winning. Anyway, Dermot gives her a chance to continue the whole 'meek and humble' act, and VOTING LINES ARE OPEN OH GOD HOW EXCITING.
Recap and close. On Sunday night only one act will leave the competition. Given that up until they were introduced and then from about 2 minutes after their performance I'd forgotten they even existed, I'm going to call Belle Amie leaving, with Paije being saved by t'judges. I hope I'm wrong and somehow Katie leaves because if she carries on like this it is only a matter of time before the gates to Hell really do swing open.
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Live Show 3 - October 23 2010 (part 1)
Oh joy, it's guilty pleasures week!
In an ideal world this would mean Mary professing her love for Metallica, Matt busting a move to some Daft Punk, and Cher revealing she loves Cher (the old one, we've already established she loves herself). In practice however, it's probably going to be another "Sing whatever you bloody want, nobody's going to care" week.
LAST WEEKEND
THE COMPETITION WAS EXPLOSIVE
UNFORTUNATELY NOT LITERALLY EXPLOSIVE
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
YOU KNOW
IF SOMEONE HAD PLANTED A BOMB UNDER CHERYL'S CHAIR
OR CHERYL'S CHER FOR THAT MATTER
Last week Storm and Diva Fever were the unfortunate victims. I say unfortunate not because they can sing, but because they're two of over half a dozen acts left that can't sing, and as such it was just unfortunate that the fickle phone-dialing finger of fate pointed disapprovingly towards them and not in another (one) direction.
IT'S TIME! TO FACE! THE MUSIC! And face it we must, unfortunately.
Before the titles Simon informs us that "The gloves are off". The gloves may be off, but I'm sure the ridiculous costumes will still be on.
Cue judges entrance and Dermot helpfully informing us that the contestant's performances are available to download on iTunes if anyone is feeling particularly masochistic.
If the last performing slot is the 'Pimp Slot' then the first is surely the 'Bitch Slot', and this week the unfortunate victim is Paije. Given that his grandmother passed away this week I half-expected he'd be given at least a decent slot, but then I forgot that this is the X Factor and that sob stories are only cool when the powers that be actually want the contestant to do well. Indeed, his grandmother's passing isn't even mentioned in the VT - instead the far more important issue of Paije and the rest of the acts going shopping is tackled. I wouldn't mind such issued being glossed over if there was any sort of consistency but given dead wife guy from a couple of years ago and given that you can guarantee that certain acts have been and would be encouraged to dwell on any tragedy as much as possible in order to invoke the almighty power of the sympathy vote, the show has backed itself into a corner where now it even seems distasteful when they don't dwell on tragedy. Well that's my justification for being a massive hypocrite about it, anyway.
Paije is apparently "Stripping down" in his performance this week and "Laying himself bare on the stage". I thought that would be saved for Wagner.
As I've mentioned before I like Paije but this is terminally dull. He's singing a stripped-down "Ain't Nobody". Thankfully he isn't naked, in this case 'stripped-down' appears to be code for 'made as dull as possible'. He's also dressed as a holiday rep with a fancy t-shirt under the traditional red jacket.
The judges disagree though, saying it was his best performance yet. Sir Simon of Cowell didn't like what he was wearing and says he has to "Turn himself into a pop star" and start "Behaving and acting like a star". So that'll be some drunk-driving, cocaine-snorting and toilet attendant punching training for poor Paije if he survives to next week then, marvellous. Dannii informs him that he has "Arrived" but decides to omit the "At a Butlins in Milton Keynes".
John and Rebecca after the accursed ads! You can almost hear the producers saying "Let's get the darkies out of the way", although to be fair given all the oppression that black people faced in the past where they were, for example, forced to sit on the back of buses, maybe the powers that be feel like they're doing them a favour by letting them perform at the front-end of the show. Tasteless, moi?
The first of Louis' THREE acts THREE DID YOU HEAR THAT SIMON I HAVE THREE ACTS AND YOU ONLY HAVE TWO THEREFORE MY PENIS IS LARGER THAN YOURS is Yawn Adeleye. John also went shopping this week and, err, yeah, I'm going to start skipping the VTs unless there's anything particularly funny to mention. Apparently he's going to showcase his 'fun' side this week.
Here he is and OH GOD WHAT'S THAT ON HIS HEAD? Apparently Johns 'fun side' consists of pulling the front half of his hair back and having a flattened half-afro at the back causing him to look not unlike a mushroom. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom". A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom" while two dancers randomly engage in some heavy (and I mean heavy) petting in the background (read: foreground). This is an absolutely delightful screwjob - his singing is fine but literally (and I mean literally) everything else about the performance is utterly terrible. Song choice? Terrible. Staging? Terrible. Outfit? Terrible. Dancers? Terrible. The best part of the performance is a close-up of Simon with his eyes firmly fixed over to his left and the dancers with an amazing mix of arousal and bewilderment on his face. I've managed to make it to week 3 without insulting Brian Friedman but I can go further without announcing that he is a giant tossrag and a major reason why the X Factor is such nonsense at the moment and furthermore he OH GOD DID THAT WOMAN REALLY JUST WRAP HER LEGS AROUND THAT GUY THEN SLIDE DOWN AND MOTION AS IF SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM... ERR... ORAL PLEASURE? Brian Friedman, I hate you as much as it's possible to hate someone you've never met.
Haha, not even Louis can defend the dancers, blaming the aforementioned tossrag instead. In one of the moments that makes you remember why Simon can be great television sometimes he likens watching the performance to watching a newscaster with two dogs mating in the background - a beautiful summary. Louis comments on his new look and new hair and fantasically there is a little snigger from elements of the audience before everything gets drowned out by the predictable WOOOOOOOOO-ing.
Rebecca next! She also went shoppin... okay I'll stop saying that. The song she's singing is "All about personality" according to Simon. Uh-oh. "I don't want to be seen as just Becky with two kids" drones Rebecca, who has two kids. Well you're on the wrong programme then dear, seeing as typecasting people like that is what the show is all about.
She's singing "Why Don't You Do Right?" by Jessica Rabbit (well okay someone sang it before then but I'm damned if I know who) and it's actually really good - her strongest performance by some margin and the first time she's really looked comfortable on stage. This is marred somewhat by the fact that she's wearing a dress that makes it look like she has a third leg growing out of her right hip, but I've come to expect no less given the outfits on display thus far tonight. I'm pretty sure Cowell will have a problem with her "relevance", but that's really quite, well, irrelevant.
Cue Louis who we all know has an aversion to mentioning places - "LIVERPOOL has definitely got a new popstar". Surprisingly Simon has no issues with relevance and informs her that this was the night she "Turned into a star". That dress makes it look more like the night she turned into a three-legged mutant, but he has a point too. He also takes the time to call Elton John out for daring to say whatever he said in the papers earlier in the week. Well done Simon, you just sold him a few more records. Cheryl - "You tick every box" - DRINK!
Dermot is having trouble collecting his thoughts and can merely ask Rebecca, "Where did you come from!?". Err, Liverpool Dermot, have you heard her speak? And God knows the judges have mentioned it often enough. It's interesting that as the use of the word "journey" has apparently been banned from the hallowed X Factor halls that the presenter and judges have instead resorted to nonsense like saying "You've arrived!", "Where did you come from!?" and maybe next week, "You're stuck in traffic on the M6 but it's easing up past junction 6 so hang on in there". Just drop all pretentions and say the J-word, at the very least it will save oxygen.
Dermot is even confused about her name, calling her "Jessica Rabbit" as she wanders off stage. Methinks O'Leary has been too busy this week thinking up new barbs to throw in Louis' direction.
Oh joy, Cher after the break.
She really can't help but come over as a smug cow in the VT, it's quite hilarious. "Dannii didn't think that my risk came off..." she mutters, with a look of bewilderment on her face that just screams "HOW COULD THAT STUCK-UP BITCH NOT APPRECIATE MY ART!?" She prefers to follow up with, "It sort of made me think... watch what I can do now". I'm guessing it's going to involve rapping badly, singing badly, and possibly punching Dannii in the face in some toilets, am I warm?
Tonight Matthew, Cher is going to be Sharon from a council estate in Romford! She's singing the Dizzee Rascal/James Corden version of "Shout" by Tears for Fears. Let's get that out of the way immediately. In no way is what she's singing "fresh" or "original" or "clever" and if the judges start wittering on along those lines I'm probably going to have an aneurysm. It's quite fitting given she's singing the England song from the last World Cup that it's a performance of two halves - to be fair she sounds quite good in the verses - Cher is at her most pleasant / least repulsive when she's in that not-quite-rapping-but-not-quite-singing middle ground. Then the chorus comes along and ruins everything though. "Shout! Shout! Let it all out!" she wails, taking the lyrics a little too literally and shrieking as if an evil spirit were being exorcised from within her. Oh, there's also a contraption that resembles a few large hamster wheels on stage for no discernible reason. Genius. Then she breaks out into full-on rap mode and everything breaks down even more.
Louis gets my idiotic comment of the night thus far award for stating with a straight face that "Elton (John) would love that tune". Then Dannii praises her and Cher has this wonderful relieved look on her face that just screams, "Thank God, now I won't have to taint my wonderful fists by touching her face with them". Dannii also thought the staging was 'incredible' - no dear, it was a few dancers pushing an oversized hamster wheel around a bit. Cowell - "It didn't feel like you were in a competition... it felt like you were someone who's had 5 hit records". I think he's missing an 's' somewhere in there. He also describes the merging of the two songs as "Very clever". No Simon. It wasn't clever when James Corden and Dizzee Rascal did it (indeed it rivals that Echo and the Bunnymen/Spice Girls song as the worst football song in recent memory, and that's really saying something) and it's not clever now. Stick to making comments about dogs mating behind news presenters.
Also I'm now officially declaring that "The real you" is a formal addition to the X Factor drinking game.
Oh, Cher gets a spot between ads all to herself, just as in week 1. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragically transparent. Matt and One DirectionSHRIIIIIIIEEEEEKKK after the break!
Matt is pretty boring from a blog-writing perspective because he's actually quite good and is yet to come on stage dressed as some sort of comedy caricature. He's even apparently ditched the hat (well, during his performances, not in the VTs). He's sitting with and actually playing a guitar (musical instruments actually being played on the X Factor?) and singing the Travis version of "Baby One More Time", which at least one of these idiotic judges is bound to describe as fresh/original/clever, and it's really good, the only fault I can level at it is that it's a little close to the Travis version (which doesn't matter in the grand scope of things because people who actually vote on shows like this won't even know a version other than Britney's exists). The judges loved it and let's just press on because One Direction are infinitely more mockable.
Yes, it's One Direction (ambling slowly towards Westlifeville)! Simon helpfully informs us that he's unconcerned about being down to two acts because "It's about quality not quantity". Well given that both your groups are awful Simon, you probably should be concerned.
One Direction also went shopping (sorry)! It seems like they w-HE WINKED AT ME OH MY GOD HE WINKED AT ME err, yeah. Nobody crush that poor teenage girl's hopes by telling her that it's just lazy eye, okay?
Oh here's Brian Friedman, helpfully informing us that in rehearsals they "Didn't sound right". It's taken him this long to notice? Not recorded, Cowell's subsequent conversation with the sound man:
"Wow, Brian was right, they do sound awful. Crank up the backing track another notch"
"It's already at maximum volume sir! I cannae push it any louder, it's gonnae blow!"
"You're damn right it's gonna blow if we don't get that backing track up loud enough to drown out their actual voices, get to it!"
Oh, they just changed songs instead. Meh.
Oh wow, they're singing Pink's "Nobody Knows" and after this travesty Simon has no right to criticize Louis for turning a group into Westlife ever again because this is evern more Westlife-ish than Westlife. It's One-Direction-by-numbers, first the one who can actually sing a little sings, then everyone else comes in complete with hilariously overbearing backing vocals until the token Asian guy gets to sing two syllables at the end to show he's an integral part of the group. It's impossible to actually rate as a performance (the backing singers did well) but I'm pretty sure it was bad. If Louis had balls he'd call Simon out on this nonsense but he and all the judges will love it, of course.
Dannii calls Cowell out on Pink being a guilty pleasure. Really Dannii, you choose now when pretty much every single song so far has been not-a-guilty-pleasure to such an extent that I'd forgotten that there even was a theme this week? Oh wow, did Cheryl just invoke The Beatles when talking about these talentless idiots? I'm not sure things can get more absurd than this. Cowell - "Vocally you've made some huge improvements". Translated - "We've now got 12 speakers blaring the backing in instead of 8".
Haha, Dermot just called all the judges out on the whole 'guilty pleasures' thing. Savour Dermot doing this good thing because it's going to have to last you for a year or so.
Ads. We're half way there folks.
In an ideal world this would mean Mary professing her love for Metallica, Matt busting a move to some Daft Punk, and Cher revealing she loves Cher (the old one, we've already established she loves herself). In practice however, it's probably going to be another "Sing whatever you bloody want, nobody's going to care" week.
LAST WEEKEND
THE COMPETITION WAS EXPLOSIVE
UNFORTUNATELY NOT LITERALLY EXPLOSIVE
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
YOU KNOW
IF SOMEONE HAD PLANTED A BOMB UNDER CHERYL'S CHAIR
OR CHERYL'S CHER FOR THAT MATTER
Last week Storm and Diva Fever were the unfortunate victims. I say unfortunate not because they can sing, but because they're two of over half a dozen acts left that can't sing, and as such it was just unfortunate that the fickle phone-dialing finger of fate pointed disapprovingly towards them and not in another (one) direction.
IT'S TIME! TO FACE! THE MUSIC! And face it we must, unfortunately.
Before the titles Simon informs us that "The gloves are off". The gloves may be off, but I'm sure the ridiculous costumes will still be on.
Cue judges entrance and Dermot helpfully informing us that the contestant's performances are available to download on iTunes if anyone is feeling particularly masochistic.
If the last performing slot is the 'Pimp Slot' then the first is surely the 'Bitch Slot', and this week the unfortunate victim is Paije. Given that his grandmother passed away this week I half-expected he'd be given at least a decent slot, but then I forgot that this is the X Factor and that sob stories are only cool when the powers that be actually want the contestant to do well. Indeed, his grandmother's passing isn't even mentioned in the VT - instead the far more important issue of Paije and the rest of the acts going shopping is tackled. I wouldn't mind such issued being glossed over if there was any sort of consistency but given dead wife guy from a couple of years ago and given that you can guarantee that certain acts have been and would be encouraged to dwell on any tragedy as much as possible in order to invoke the almighty power of the sympathy vote, the show has backed itself into a corner where now it even seems distasteful when they don't dwell on tragedy. Well that's my justification for being a massive hypocrite about it, anyway.
Paije is apparently "Stripping down" in his performance this week and "Laying himself bare on the stage". I thought that would be saved for Wagner.
As I've mentioned before I like Paije but this is terminally dull. He's singing a stripped-down "Ain't Nobody". Thankfully he isn't naked, in this case 'stripped-down' appears to be code for 'made as dull as possible'. He's also dressed as a holiday rep with a fancy t-shirt under the traditional red jacket.
The judges disagree though, saying it was his best performance yet. Sir Simon of Cowell didn't like what he was wearing and says he has to "Turn himself into a pop star" and start "Behaving and acting like a star". So that'll be some drunk-driving, cocaine-snorting and toilet attendant punching training for poor Paije if he survives to next week then, marvellous. Dannii informs him that he has "Arrived" but decides to omit the "At a Butlins in Milton Keynes".
John and Rebecca after the accursed ads! You can almost hear the producers saying "Let's get the darkies out of the way", although to be fair given all the oppression that black people faced in the past where they were, for example, forced to sit on the back of buses, maybe the powers that be feel like they're doing them a favour by letting them perform at the front-end of the show. Tasteless, moi?
The first of Louis' THREE acts THREE DID YOU HEAR THAT SIMON I HAVE THREE ACTS AND YOU ONLY HAVE TWO THEREFORE MY PENIS IS LARGER THAN YOURS is Yawn Adeleye. John also went shopping this week and, err, yeah, I'm going to start skipping the VTs unless there's anything particularly funny to mention. Apparently he's going to showcase his 'fun' side this week.
Here he is and OH GOD WHAT'S THAT ON HIS HEAD? Apparently Johns 'fun side' consists of pulling the front half of his hair back and having a flattened half-afro at the back causing him to look not unlike a mushroom. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket. A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom". A mushroom with a sparkling silver jacket singing "Zoom" while two dancers randomly engage in some heavy (and I mean heavy) petting in the background (read: foreground). This is an absolutely delightful screwjob - his singing is fine but literally (and I mean literally) everything else about the performance is utterly terrible. Song choice? Terrible. Staging? Terrible. Outfit? Terrible. Dancers? Terrible. The best part of the performance is a close-up of Simon with his eyes firmly fixed over to his left and the dancers with an amazing mix of arousal and bewilderment on his face. I've managed to make it to week 3 without insulting Brian Friedman but I can go further without announcing that he is a giant tossrag and a major reason why the X Factor is such nonsense at the moment and furthermore he OH GOD DID THAT WOMAN REALLY JUST WRAP HER LEGS AROUND THAT GUY THEN SLIDE DOWN AND MOTION AS IF SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM... ERR... ORAL PLEASURE? Brian Friedman, I hate you as much as it's possible to hate someone you've never met.
Haha, not even Louis can defend the dancers, blaming the aforementioned tossrag instead. In one of the moments that makes you remember why Simon can be great television sometimes he likens watching the performance to watching a newscaster with two dogs mating in the background - a beautiful summary. Louis comments on his new look and new hair and fantasically there is a little snigger from elements of the audience before everything gets drowned out by the predictable WOOOOOOOOO-ing.
Rebecca next! She also went shoppin... okay I'll stop saying that. The song she's singing is "All about personality" according to Simon. Uh-oh. "I don't want to be seen as just Becky with two kids" drones Rebecca, who has two kids. Well you're on the wrong programme then dear, seeing as typecasting people like that is what the show is all about.
She's singing "Why Don't You Do Right?" by Jessica Rabbit (well okay someone sang it before then but I'm damned if I know who) and it's actually really good - her strongest performance by some margin and the first time she's really looked comfortable on stage. This is marred somewhat by the fact that she's wearing a dress that makes it look like she has a third leg growing out of her right hip, but I've come to expect no less given the outfits on display thus far tonight. I'm pretty sure Cowell will have a problem with her "relevance", but that's really quite, well, irrelevant.
Cue Louis who we all know has an aversion to mentioning places - "LIVERPOOL has definitely got a new popstar". Surprisingly Simon has no issues with relevance and informs her that this was the night she "Turned into a star". That dress makes it look more like the night she turned into a three-legged mutant, but he has a point too. He also takes the time to call Elton John out for daring to say whatever he said in the papers earlier in the week. Well done Simon, you just sold him a few more records. Cheryl - "You tick every box" - DRINK!
Dermot is having trouble collecting his thoughts and can merely ask Rebecca, "Where did you come from!?". Err, Liverpool Dermot, have you heard her speak? And God knows the judges have mentioned it often enough. It's interesting that as the use of the word "journey" has apparently been banned from the hallowed X Factor halls that the presenter and judges have instead resorted to nonsense like saying "You've arrived!", "Where did you come from!?" and maybe next week, "You're stuck in traffic on the M6 but it's easing up past junction 6 so hang on in there". Just drop all pretentions and say the J-word, at the very least it will save oxygen.
Dermot is even confused about her name, calling her "Jessica Rabbit" as she wanders off stage. Methinks O'Leary has been too busy this week thinking up new barbs to throw in Louis' direction.
Oh joy, Cher after the break.
She really can't help but come over as a smug cow in the VT, it's quite hilarious. "Dannii didn't think that my risk came off..." she mutters, with a look of bewilderment on her face that just screams "HOW COULD THAT STUCK-UP BITCH NOT APPRECIATE MY ART!?" She prefers to follow up with, "It sort of made me think... watch what I can do now". I'm guessing it's going to involve rapping badly, singing badly, and possibly punching Dannii in the face in some toilets, am I warm?
Tonight Matthew, Cher is going to be Sharon from a council estate in Romford! She's singing the Dizzee Rascal/James Corden version of "Shout" by Tears for Fears. Let's get that out of the way immediately. In no way is what she's singing "fresh" or "original" or "clever" and if the judges start wittering on along those lines I'm probably going to have an aneurysm. It's quite fitting given she's singing the England song from the last World Cup that it's a performance of two halves - to be fair she sounds quite good in the verses - Cher is at her most pleasant / least repulsive when she's in that not-quite-rapping-but-not-quite-singing middle ground. Then the chorus comes along and ruins everything though. "Shout! Shout! Let it all out!" she wails, taking the lyrics a little too literally and shrieking as if an evil spirit were being exorcised from within her. Oh, there's also a contraption that resembles a few large hamster wheels on stage for no discernible reason. Genius. Then she breaks out into full-on rap mode and everything breaks down even more.
Louis gets my idiotic comment of the night thus far award for stating with a straight face that "Elton (John) would love that tune". Then Dannii praises her and Cher has this wonderful relieved look on her face that just screams, "Thank God, now I won't have to taint my wonderful fists by touching her face with them". Dannii also thought the staging was 'incredible' - no dear, it was a few dancers pushing an oversized hamster wheel around a bit. Cowell - "It didn't feel like you were in a competition... it felt like you were someone who's had 5 hit records". I think he's missing an 's' somewhere in there. He also describes the merging of the two songs as "Very clever". No Simon. It wasn't clever when James Corden and Dizzee Rascal did it (indeed it rivals that Echo and the Bunnymen/Spice Girls song as the worst football song in recent memory, and that's really saying something) and it's not clever now. Stick to making comments about dogs mating behind news presenters.
Also I'm now officially declaring that "The real you" is a formal addition to the X Factor drinking game.
Oh, Cher gets a spot between ads all to herself, just as in week 1. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragically transparent. Matt and One DirectionSHRIIIIIIIEEEEEKKK after the break!
Matt is pretty boring from a blog-writing perspective because he's actually quite good and is yet to come on stage dressed as some sort of comedy caricature. He's even apparently ditched the hat (well, during his performances, not in the VTs). He's sitting with and actually playing a guitar (musical instruments actually being played on the X Factor?) and singing the Travis version of "Baby One More Time", which at least one of these idiotic judges is bound to describe as fresh/original/clever, and it's really good, the only fault I can level at it is that it's a little close to the Travis version (which doesn't matter in the grand scope of things because people who actually vote on shows like this won't even know a version other than Britney's exists). The judges loved it and let's just press on because One Direction are infinitely more mockable.
Yes, it's One Direction (ambling slowly towards Westlifeville)! Simon helpfully informs us that he's unconcerned about being down to two acts because "It's about quality not quantity". Well given that both your groups are awful Simon, you probably should be concerned.
One Direction also went shopping (sorry)! It seems like they w-HE WINKED AT ME OH MY GOD HE WINKED AT ME err, yeah. Nobody crush that poor teenage girl's hopes by telling her that it's just lazy eye, okay?
Oh here's Brian Friedman, helpfully informing us that in rehearsals they "Didn't sound right". It's taken him this long to notice? Not recorded, Cowell's subsequent conversation with the sound man:
"Wow, Brian was right, they do sound awful. Crank up the backing track another notch"
"It's already at maximum volume sir! I cannae push it any louder, it's gonnae blow!"
"You're damn right it's gonna blow if we don't get that backing track up loud enough to drown out their actual voices, get to it!"
Oh, they just changed songs instead. Meh.
Oh wow, they're singing Pink's "Nobody Knows" and after this travesty Simon has no right to criticize Louis for turning a group into Westlife ever again because this is evern more Westlife-ish than Westlife. It's One-Direction-by-numbers, first the one who can actually sing a little sings, then everyone else comes in complete with hilariously overbearing backing vocals until the token Asian guy gets to sing two syllables at the end to show he's an integral part of the group. It's impossible to actually rate as a performance (the backing singers did well) but I'm pretty sure it was bad. If Louis had balls he'd call Simon out on this nonsense but he and all the judges will love it, of course.
Dannii calls Cowell out on Pink being a guilty pleasure. Really Dannii, you choose now when pretty much every single song so far has been not-a-guilty-pleasure to such an extent that I'd forgotten that there even was a theme this week? Oh wow, did Cheryl just invoke The Beatles when talking about these talentless idiots? I'm not sure things can get more absurd than this. Cowell - "Vocally you've made some huge improvements". Translated - "We've now got 12 speakers blaring the backing in instead of 8".
Haha, Dermot just called all the judges out on the whole 'guilty pleasures' thing. Savour Dermot doing this good thing because it's going to have to last you for a year or so.
Ads. We're half way there folks.
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