In the absence of LORD WAGNER, the duets are the big comedy draw for the final. Who will duet with who? Who will get starstruck, Alexandra-style, and become a quivering wreck? What particular cocktail of performance-enhancers will Robbie Williams be on tonight? The questions are endless, the comedy potential is too.
"I was told she really wants to sing with Matt". Yes, I can just imagine Rihanna on the phone to her agent declaring "STOP EVERYTHING, I NEED TO GET MYSELF ON STAGE WITH THAT PAINTER GUY WITH THE HAT FROM THE X FACTOR IMMEDIATELY". Oops, did I spoil it? The most annoying part of the VTs is the insistance on referring to the celebrity as "this person". Look, as soon as the music starts we're going to know who it is anyway, so just bloody tell us. Christ.
Oh my his voice is even straining during the quiet bits. This isn't good. It's "Unfaithful" and it's Matt's absolute pleasure and honour to introduce Rihanna. However much she's getting paid to feign sexual chemistry with Matt, it's not nearly enough. Look, they're so hot for each other that they've set the stage on fire! Matt's eyes seem hilariously fixed to the floor, embarassed teenage boy-style. The most comical part is that this is as good as the duets get, folks, so enjoy it.
"You just duetted with Rihanna, how does that feel?"
"Uhh, do you have a Kleenex handy Dermot?"
Over to Cheryl. "Next up, with one of the most BEAUTIFUL songs in the world, it's Rebecca Ferguson". She doesn't really do subtlety, does our Chezza.
Yes, she's singing "Beautiful". It's all going well until Christina shows up. Not because she can't sing, but because Rebecca has some kind of seizure, and her lips fall victim to the "can't move" curse that afflicts the rest of her body. She just sort of stands there with an inane grin fixed on her face, as Christina fills in for essentially the entire rest of the song. Rebecca's claim that she was "blown away" by hearing she'd be duetting with Christina turned out to be strangely prophetic. Cringe. On the plus side, Christina is an infinitely better vocalist, so hey, things probably turned out for the best.
One Direction to come after some more deliciously expensive ads!
"There was only one person these guys could duet with", Simon announces. Joe Pasquale? Rolf Harris? Mr Blobby? Zag out of Zig and Zag? I'm intrigued.
VT highlight is definitely evil Simon stroking a dog, although disappointingly he doesn't once say "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME GADGET".
It's "She's The One", and you know what that means. Five young boys, smartly dressed and eager to impress and give a polished, professional performance (tee hee) are joined on stage by a raving lunatic who's off his head on something or other, possibly Tizer. Best bit is soon after Robbie enters and the boys forget to sing a backing part leaving just the backing track which makes things sound, err, exactly the same as if they were 'singing'. Strange, that. This is immediately followed by Robbie looking from side-to-side at them, internally screaming "MIME YOU DUMB BASTARDS" I'm sure. "You'll be so high you'll be flying" indeed, Robbie.
There's more sexual chemistry between the boys and Robbie than there was between Matt and Rihanna, too.
Phone hands from Williams! Someone shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, please.
Over to Cheryl again. "As soon as you think who to guest star with Cher, this is the person you'd want". Harold Shipman? Kim Jong-Il? The possibilities are endless.
The first thing that strikes you is that Cher is dressed bizarrely. One part French Maid, one part cocktail waitress, and one part chav - it's frankly hilarious. She's singing "Where Is The Love?" (hint: the love is going to all the more likeable acts like Matt, Rebecca, and Hitler and his amazing dancing Goebbels, dear). It morphs into "I Gotta Feeling" as she introduces Will I Am, who looks as he always does like a malnourished Mr T. This is awful. Will is hilariously way, way out of time on his own song. This is like something out of a kids carol concert where they try and slip an 'edgy' song in - horrifying. She's doomed.
Recap, because they still have to drag this crap out for the best part of half an hour yet. Then the judges get to pimp their acts, something which bizarrely Cheryl does a better job of than Dannii, who makes the world'd most unspectacular plea ever for Matt to win.
Guest performances! Oh good, finally some fresh faces! Oh, never mind, it's Rihanna again. "What's my name?", she wails. "IT'S RIHANNA DEAR, RIHANNA! AND TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF ISN'T GOING TO MAKE YOU MORE LIKELY TO REMEMBER", the nation wails back while it's not thinking "Bloody hell, she could crush skulls with those thighs". It's a good job she didn't wear what she's wearing now while duetting with Matt or the poor guy might just have spontaneously combusted.
LINES FROZEN! Oh no, now I can't call or my vote will not be counted but may still be charged! One wonders after the nonsense of last week how that's any different from when the lines are open, but I digress.
Christina Aguilera again! She's singing a song from her new film Burlesque, alternative title "You've never been so disappointed to see a film rated 12A". This performance certainly needs at least a 15 rating and frankly I could use some of those Kleenex that Matt's been hoarding. Oh come on, it's the final, if I can't make masturbation jokes now then when can I? Anyway Christina's performance is basically half a dozen girls in saucy underwear gyrating on stage while Christina shouts a bit. Best guest performance of the series - I've rewatched it at least half a dozen times.
"When's the film out?"
"I DON'T KNOW OH GOD HELP SOME NASTY MAN STOLE ME AND MY FRIENDS' CLOTHES"
"It's out on Monday right?"
"I DON'T KNOW GOOD GOD MAN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CAN YOU CALL THE POLICE PLEASE?"
"Ladies and gentlemen Christina Aguilera!"
"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE?"
Magnificent. Ads time, or "recovery time" as I have newly christened it.
Here we go! Four enter, one leaves! There would be dramatic tension if we all didn't know that Cher's leaving already. One Direction safe! Someone kill me! Rebecca safe, Matt safe, GET THE HELL OFF MY TV YOU ODIOUS COW! She's come equipped with her best "Am I bovvered?" look, presumably because she's already got a record deal lined up. May God have mercy on us all. To be fair to her she's taking it far better then Chezza, who has a face like thunder throughout.
TOMORROW!
THESE BASTARDS ALL SING SOME MORE!
AND ONE OF THEM GETS TO WIN AND FADE INTO OBSCURITY WITHIN TWO YEARS!
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Monday 13 December 2010
YIPPEE IT'S THE FINAL! (part 1)
Yes, it's been about 5 years since the series started, thousands of human beings and Chloe Mafia auditioned, and now, thanks entirely to the public vote and not in any way down to underhanded manipulation by the judges and the powers that be we're down to the final four!
We have:
Matt Curdle: He of the blood-curdling falsetto wail of death. Also wears a hat and paints and decorates from time to time.
Rebecca "Turd" Ferguson: Actually quite likeable. No idea why she's still in. Is from Liverpool.
Wand Erection: Imagine the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse found a fifth horseman who didn't really do anything apart from hang around and look smug. Then imagine these Five Horsemen didn't actually bother bringing about the apocalype but got hundreds of evil minions to do it for them instead while they just pranced around looking evil and pretending to do sinister things to impress His Unholiness. Welcome to the world of One Direction.
Cher "Yl" Lloyd: Loathsome chav with the highest column inches to talent ratio this series. Cheryl identifies with her for some reason.
"I think there's going to be a shock tonight", Simon muses. The X Factor getting through a whole show without any fresh voting 'scandals'? Smug Spice out of One Direction actually singing? Cher doing a duet with Shirley Bassey because Simon pre-booked her, convinced as he was that Mary would get through to the final?
Dermot helpfully informs us that tonight there are not only legions of shrieking lunatics in the studio audience, but also in Malvern, Liverpool, and wherever the other two are from! Rejoice!
Here come the judges! Cue the proposal of a bet with a friend that the first words out of Louis mouth this evening are "<insert act here> you're in the final!". He does like stating the obvious does our Louis, which makes it somewhat confusing that he's never called Simon a smug tosser, or Cheryl an airheaded talentless cow. Maybe he has a filter.
OH GOD PLEASE NO THERE'S A GROUP PERFORMANCE I THOUGHT WE'D SEEN THE LAST OF THESE ABOMINATIONS. There's Hermann! And there's Katie, who has pre-empted things being thrown at her by the audience by choosing to wear some sort of battle armour this evening. And here are some people we've already forgotten about and REJOICE FOR LORD WAGNER IS HERE! You might think the Wagster would lose some of that comedic effect he has by miming but if anything it makes him even more hilarious. Oh, the song is that one from "Flashdance", complete with its iconic rap segment we all know and love, performed by Mary... oh alright, it's bloody Cher. She's followed by the other finalists, who unlike the has-beens are actually singing live. It's easy to tell because Matt, well, maybe we should rename him Flatt Cardle after this. Maybe someone's been spiking his Lemsip.
Bizarrely lines open before anyone has actually performed. I can't £hink of a r€a$on why.
Over to Dannii and Matt first! The VT is now-standard X Factor final fare, Matt goes back to his hometown, rambles on about what a great journey he's been on without actually using he word 'journey' because it's been banned don't you know and rounding things off by crying a bit (but these were GENUINE TEARS as opposed to EVIL FAKE TEARS FROM SILLY FOOLS WHO ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY, okay?). Oh Christ, now his dad's crying.
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Dido.
Matt is singing "Here With Me", by Dido. It's rather boring, but it's hard to blame Matt seeing as not even Wagner could make a Dido song interesting. He's still struggling with his voice after his illness last week, methinks.
"Matt, you're in the final...". SHIP THE TEN BUCKS THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Louis is in cliché overdrive, like a man possessed, "You're a very ordinary guy with a very extraordinary talent", "I can't wait to buy your album", "You have to be in the final tomorrow night" (I bet he says this to all four of them). He declines to comment on the actual performance, perhaps because he like me missed half of it after falling into a coma. Cheryl and Simon think the song choice was fantastic. Perhaps they're stealthily calling him dull. According to Dannii, "Nobody has ever worked harder" than Matt has in the last few weeks, which if true is a damning indictment on the human race.
OHGODITSSTACEYSOLOMONSHEISINCOLCHESTERWITHLOTSOFSCREAMINGPEOPLEANDSHEISTALKINGVERYFASTANDICANTTELLATHINGSHEISSAYINGWHYISTHISWOMANONTVOHMYGODTHISISUNBEARABLE
Time for Cheryl to spout out unconvincing platitiudes about Rebecca!
Rebecca went back to Liverpool and cried a bit and oh you know the drill by now. Cheryl accompanied her to her house, where she is seen accepting a cup of tea (but only with one sugar in it).
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Corinne Bailey Rae.
Here's Rebecca, singing "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae, perched on a small raised cylindrical platform, possibly to stop her from moving around too much because we all know how much she loves to roam around the stage. To be fair it's a pretty polished performance, but this evening has been ridiculously down-tempo so far and this isn't improving things.
Louis wants everybody in Liverpool to lift their phones and vote for Rebecca. Err, that didn't work with Mary when you asked an entire country to vote for her, so quite why he's bothering I don't know. Oh, he wants her in the final-final too. That's 2 for 2 so far. The other comments are predictable - they're really pushing her as the "likeable" one this year.
So who's in Liverpool with the horde of screaming scousers? Here's a clue - she's probably the only scouse woman between the age of 18 and 70 who hasn't slept with Wayne Rooney in the past few months. Yep, it's Colleen "Doormat" Rooney! Hooray! I said we were 2 for 2 on people Louis wants to get into the final-final, now we're 2 for 2 on guest hosts whose words are completely indecipherable. The highlight is definitely Rebecca's friend who looks exactly like Rebecca except with lips that are about 5 times larger that hers, and some poor girl in front of her who looks like a young Vanessa Feltz.
Ads. One Direction after the break.
Of course with there being five of One Direction they had to make five home visits over the week. Well, four home visits and one appearance on Irish TV, anyway. Highlights included some frankly sizzling sexual chemistry between Curly Spice and his mum. Oh, and lots of shrieking teenage girls. Sorry girls, Curly Spice is already spoken for.
Hey, One Direction may be terrible but at least we can rely on them for something a little uptempo, right? They're singing the barnstorming, err, "Your Song". MORE LIKE YAWN SONG AHAHA AM I RIGHT? To be fair to the lads there's no thousand-man backing track this time, although it's easy to see why they've had the thousand-man backing in previous weeks when hearing them try to harmonise.
"One Direction, you're in the final". Why is Louis even here? "Everyone in Ireland must vote for Niall". No, seriously, why? Oh, he wants them in the final-final too. That's 3 for 3! Tellingly, not one of the judges comment on the actual performance apart from their mentor Simon, and even he half-arses it.
Over to Doncaster and Tina from Corrie, who seems to have recovered from the trauma of the tram crash and Ashley's tragic and untimely demise a little too quickly for my liking, although maybe making herself up to look like a Bratz doll and diving into a large crowd of people is just her coping mechanism.
Cher after the break, in the pimp spot of course. She has no chance but by God they're trying.
Cher got to go back the the ghetto that is Malvern, of course. Highlights include Cher's brother giving a little speech that he's never going to be allowed to live down either by his friends or his sister, although him copping a quick feel of Cheryl might numb the pain a little I suppose. Oh and Cher unable to believe how many people had come out to see her. Err, looks like a couple of hundred tops, dear.
After the incredible dullness of the first three songs seeing Cher is actually quite a relief, and I never thought I'd descrive seeing Cher as a relief. She's singing "The Clapping Song" which morphs into "Get Your Freak On", or as someone on the Digital Spy forums brilliantly described it, "Get Yer Free Corn". It's clear who the powers that be are with tonight, as while the first three acts got dull funeral dirges, Cher has got the full production number.
"I loved the mix between Rihanna and the other song". Err, Louis, maybe you should stick to stating the obvious and not actually trying to give opinions on performances if that's what you're going to come up with (for the uninitiated, neither of the songs were or have ever been by Rihanna). Damningly though he fails to say that he wants Cher in the final-final, so we all know what he's really thinking. "It's what you do with this now and how you approach people that will shape your future". That's Dannii code for "You're a giant bitch and I hate you".
And now, there follows a short clip of Scott Mills being assaulted in Malvern.
Duets to come! There may have been a tram crash in Corrie earlier this week, but that will be nothing compared to the barrage of car crashes that are imminent.
We have:
Matt Curdle: He of the blood-curdling falsetto wail of death. Also wears a hat and paints and decorates from time to time.
Rebecca "Turd" Ferguson: Actually quite likeable. No idea why she's still in. Is from Liverpool.
Wand Erection: Imagine the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse found a fifth horseman who didn't really do anything apart from hang around and look smug. Then imagine these Five Horsemen didn't actually bother bringing about the apocalype but got hundreds of evil minions to do it for them instead while they just pranced around looking evil and pretending to do sinister things to impress His Unholiness. Welcome to the world of One Direction.
Cher "Yl" Lloyd: Loathsome chav with the highest column inches to talent ratio this series. Cheryl identifies with her for some reason.
"I think there's going to be a shock tonight", Simon muses. The X Factor getting through a whole show without any fresh voting 'scandals'? Smug Spice out of One Direction actually singing? Cher doing a duet with Shirley Bassey because Simon pre-booked her, convinced as he was that Mary would get through to the final?
Dermot helpfully informs us that tonight there are not only legions of shrieking lunatics in the studio audience, but also in Malvern, Liverpool, and wherever the other two are from! Rejoice!
Here come the judges! Cue the proposal of a bet with a friend that the first words out of Louis mouth this evening are "<insert act here> you're in the final!". He does like stating the obvious does our Louis, which makes it somewhat confusing that he's never called Simon a smug tosser, or Cheryl an airheaded talentless cow. Maybe he has a filter.
OH GOD PLEASE NO THERE'S A GROUP PERFORMANCE I THOUGHT WE'D SEEN THE LAST OF THESE ABOMINATIONS. There's Hermann! And there's Katie, who has pre-empted things being thrown at her by the audience by choosing to wear some sort of battle armour this evening. And here are some people we've already forgotten about and REJOICE FOR LORD WAGNER IS HERE! You might think the Wagster would lose some of that comedic effect he has by miming but if anything it makes him even more hilarious. Oh, the song is that one from "Flashdance", complete with its iconic rap segment we all know and love, performed by Mary... oh alright, it's bloody Cher. She's followed by the other finalists, who unlike the has-beens are actually singing live. It's easy to tell because Matt, well, maybe we should rename him Flatt Cardle after this. Maybe someone's been spiking his Lemsip.
Bizarrely lines open before anyone has actually performed. I can't £hink of a r€a$on why.
Over to Dannii and Matt first! The VT is now-standard X Factor final fare, Matt goes back to his hometown, rambles on about what a great journey he's been on without actually using he word 'journey' because it's been banned don't you know and rounding things off by crying a bit (but these were GENUINE TEARS as opposed to EVIL FAKE TEARS FROM SILLY FOOLS WHO ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY, okay?). Oh Christ, now his dad's crying.
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Dido.
Matt is singing "Here With Me", by Dido. It's rather boring, but it's hard to blame Matt seeing as not even Wagner could make a Dido song interesting. He's still struggling with his voice after his illness last week, methinks.
"Matt, you're in the final...". SHIP THE TEN BUCKS THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Louis is in cliché overdrive, like a man possessed, "You're a very ordinary guy with a very extraordinary talent", "I can't wait to buy your album", "You have to be in the final tomorrow night" (I bet he says this to all four of them). He declines to comment on the actual performance, perhaps because he like me missed half of it after falling into a coma. Cheryl and Simon think the song choice was fantastic. Perhaps they're stealthily calling him dull. According to Dannii, "Nobody has ever worked harder" than Matt has in the last few weeks, which if true is a damning indictment on the human race.
OHGODITSSTACEYSOLOMONSHEISINCOLCHESTERWITHLOTSOFSCREAMINGPEOPLEANDSHEISTALKINGVERYFASTANDICANTTELLATHINGSHEISSAYINGWHYISTHISWOMANONTVOHMYGODTHISISUNBEARABLE
Time for Cheryl to spout out unconvincing platitiudes about Rebecca!
Rebecca went back to Liverpool and cried a bit and oh you know the drill by now. Cheryl accompanied her to her house, where she is seen accepting a cup of tea (but only with one sugar in it).
So, it's the X Factor final, and your opening song. This may well be the most important song choice you will ever make. You want to choose a song that will wow the audience, that demands everyone stand up and pay attention to you. An intriguing song, a powerful song, certainly not some dull, brain-numbing crap like Corinne Bailey Rae.
Here's Rebecca, singing "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae, perched on a small raised cylindrical platform, possibly to stop her from moving around too much because we all know how much she loves to roam around the stage. To be fair it's a pretty polished performance, but this evening has been ridiculously down-tempo so far and this isn't improving things.
Louis wants everybody in Liverpool to lift their phones and vote for Rebecca. Err, that didn't work with Mary when you asked an entire country to vote for her, so quite why he's bothering I don't know. Oh, he wants her in the final-final too. That's 2 for 2 so far. The other comments are predictable - they're really pushing her as the "likeable" one this year.
So who's in Liverpool with the horde of screaming scousers? Here's a clue - she's probably the only scouse woman between the age of 18 and 70 who hasn't slept with Wayne Rooney in the past few months. Yep, it's Colleen "Doormat" Rooney! Hooray! I said we were 2 for 2 on people Louis wants to get into the final-final, now we're 2 for 2 on guest hosts whose words are completely indecipherable. The highlight is definitely Rebecca's friend who looks exactly like Rebecca except with lips that are about 5 times larger that hers, and some poor girl in front of her who looks like a young Vanessa Feltz.
Ads. One Direction after the break.
Of course with there being five of One Direction they had to make five home visits over the week. Well, four home visits and one appearance on Irish TV, anyway. Highlights included some frankly sizzling sexual chemistry between Curly Spice and his mum. Oh, and lots of shrieking teenage girls. Sorry girls, Curly Spice is already spoken for.
Hey, One Direction may be terrible but at least we can rely on them for something a little uptempo, right? They're singing the barnstorming, err, "Your Song". MORE LIKE YAWN SONG AHAHA AM I RIGHT? To be fair to the lads there's no thousand-man backing track this time, although it's easy to see why they've had the thousand-man backing in previous weeks when hearing them try to harmonise.
"One Direction, you're in the final". Why is Louis even here? "Everyone in Ireland must vote for Niall". No, seriously, why? Oh, he wants them in the final-final too. That's 3 for 3! Tellingly, not one of the judges comment on the actual performance apart from their mentor Simon, and even he half-arses it.
Over to Doncaster and Tina from Corrie, who seems to have recovered from the trauma of the tram crash and Ashley's tragic and untimely demise a little too quickly for my liking, although maybe making herself up to look like a Bratz doll and diving into a large crowd of people is just her coping mechanism.
Cher after the break, in the pimp spot of course. She has no chance but by God they're trying.
Cher got to go back the the ghetto that is Malvern, of course. Highlights include Cher's brother giving a little speech that he's never going to be allowed to live down either by his friends or his sister, although him copping a quick feel of Cheryl might numb the pain a little I suppose. Oh and Cher unable to believe how many people had come out to see her. Err, looks like a couple of hundred tops, dear.
After the incredible dullness of the first three songs seeing Cher is actually quite a relief, and I never thought I'd descrive seeing Cher as a relief. She's singing "The Clapping Song" which morphs into "Get Your Freak On", or as someone on the Digital Spy forums brilliantly described it, "Get Yer Free Corn". It's clear who the powers that be are with tonight, as while the first three acts got dull funeral dirges, Cher has got the full production number.
"I loved the mix between Rihanna and the other song". Err, Louis, maybe you should stick to stating the obvious and not actually trying to give opinions on performances if that's what you're going to come up with (for the uninitiated, neither of the songs were or have ever been by Rihanna). Damningly though he fails to say that he wants Cher in the final-final, so we all know what he's really thinking. "It's what you do with this now and how you approach people that will shape your future". That's Dannii code for "You're a giant bitch and I hate you".
And now, there follows a short clip of Scott Mills being assaulted in Malvern.
Duets to come! There may have been a tram crash in Corrie earlier this week, but that will be nothing compared to the barrage of car crashes that are imminent.
Tuesday 7 December 2010
Results show 9 - "To Vote For OFCOM, dial 0870..." - December 5 2010
Working for OFCOM must be such a great job for 10 months a year. I mean, what do they actually do during the downtime when legions of X Factor viewers have no silly show to write in and complain about?
Yes, it's the X Factor, it's the results, and it's another predictable controversy!
Yay, Alexandra Burke is back! And some band called "The Cast of Glee". That's a pretty weird name for a band if you ask me. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas too. Well, at least it's not Bieber and The Wanted (what are they wanted for anyway? Crimes against music?).
The judges enter and take their seats, and Dermot announces "It's all down to you". Foreshadowing is fun!
Alex time! She's sold over 4 million albums apparently - approximately 4 million times more then Joe McDingleberry. There's a clip of her audition, complete with Cheryl saying "I was just blown away... you were born to sing" so you can see what an EXCELLENT JUDGE OF TALENT she is, and not at all because that's the sort of crap she says to anyone who auditions with a half-decent voice.
Tonight, she is singing a dreary ballad. It's dreary. She's dressed like a virgin who's about to be sacrificed to the Dark Vampire Lord. Vocally she shows up the mob this year for the horrible singers that they are, but the song itself is unearthly dull. I was about to compliment the understated staging but now some dancers and even more bizarrely violinists are dangling from the ceiling and they've all forgotten to get dressed. And, err, now she's levitating, like Jesus in a dress made of toilet paper. It's all rather tasteless, and what any of this madness has to do with the lyrics for Generic Ballad #5873 or whatever she's singing I don't know.
"Can people fly if they buy your album?". "Maybe!". Sadly this won't be the biggest nonsense of the night. "You're all winners", she tells the contestants. Except for the four of them who are going to lose, although seeing as they'll probably get record deals anyway Alex has a point. What's the point of this show again?
Recap. Coffee time.
I've never watched 'Glee' before in my life, and I'm glad to announce that after tonight I'm going to continue to not watch it. First we're treated to a 'hilarious' VT introducing the "Something High New Directions". Sounds a bit close to One Direction for me, although as the backing track starts "Dadadadadadadada"-ing and they mime hilariously to it the similarities become more evident. Really, this is quite possibly the least convincing miming I've ever seen, they look like goldfish the way their mouths are bobbing open and closed.
What follows is possibly the worst thing I've ever seen on the X Factor. I don't want to talk about it. The only redeeming part is when the fat black one scream in Simon Cowell's face. I still know nothing about Glee but I can only assume that given that there's a fat black one, a nerdy one in a wheelchair and an Asian one (perhaps two I can't remember and I'm not rewatching it) it's basically like 'Political Correctness - The Musical - The TV Show'. When the fat black one and the wheelchair guy start singing at each other I begin to wonder if I've tuned into a comedy show on another channel by mistake (it's okay guys, I looked on the internet and he's not really wheelchair-bound so making fun is cool).
If the producers had just picked a dozen people at random from the audience and asked them to sing "Don't Stop Believing" then it would have sounded better.
"We have a tour coming up!", one of the PC warriors yells.
"Are you guys going to come?", another asks.
Silence. Tumbleweed floats aimlessly by. The highlight of their appearance by far.
Black Eyed Peas and results after the break!
Lines closed! Oh the drama! "Apart from your own acts, who do you think nailed it last night?" Dermot asks the judges. "One Direction", Cowell replies. I find myself "ummm"-ing for various reasons.
Black Eyed Peas! They're singing a bizarre cover of "I've Had The Time of My Life (With The Auto-Tune)", complete with dancers with boxes on their heads (sorry guys but it's been sort of done before in that bingo advert). The thing with BEP is they range from the ridiculous to the sublime, but this is just as stupid as you would expect them covering this song would be. Fergie is miming a recording of stuttering, brilliant. It's like Glee and BEP are competing to see who can butcher a classic song the most.
"Hello Will, please pimp Cheryl's two acts as much as you can. Oh, and your album and single too, I suppose". Cringe.
Ads.
"Time to see who's made it through and who will have to sing one last time in the final showdown". Wait what? Yes, there's going to be a sing-off. In the semi-final. Just like there was last yea- oh wait - just like there was the year befo- oh wait. Oh well, goodbye Mary, nice knowing you.
The lack of transparency is the most annoying thing. I'm certain that in previous weeks the sing-off has been mentioned multiple times early in the results show and even on the Saturday show, but this week? Nothing, until now. Dermot has been very careful with his words. Frankly, it's absurd, even more so because if they'd just said there would be a sing-off on Saturday there wouldn't be half the fuss being made that there is now because let's face it, a Cher/Mary bottom two was hardly the most difficult thing in the world to predict. Oh wait, this is the X Factor, where fuss and controversy are like life-sustaining drugs.
One Direction are called safe, followed by Rebecca and Matt. Predictable.
"They will each sing a song that they believe will get them into the final". Umm, I don't think for one second Mary thinks she's getting into the final, Dermot. Mary's singing "It's A Man's World" (again), and Cher, she who wants to put a fresh slant on British music and not sing ballads ever because they're not 'her' is singing, err, "Everytime" by Britney. A ballad, if you will.
Really, why do they even bother with the sing-off? I can't recall a single instance in the last couple of series where the sing-off has actually had an effect. Of course it doesn't matter that Mary sings rings around Cher, who looks like she's having a Weasel-style nervous breakdown as she ploughs through her song.
Louis saves Mary. Dannii finally succumbs to the puppet-master and saves Cher. Note that I'm saying "saves" as opposed to "sends home" because Dermot has bizarrely asked that the judges name the act they're sending through this time. Sepp Blatter is going to appear on stage with an envelope saying "Cher" at any time now, I can feel it. Cheryl saves Cher, and of course Simon does too, after a thinly-veiled "Keep your mouth shut about this complete ridiculousness" threat aimed at Mary based on something she said on ITV2 or something (I don't watch that show because Christ, watching Konnie Huq present is like watching cars repeatedly and continually crashing into the stage).
Of course the question on everybody's lips is what's next for Mary's Till?
Next week it's the final! Your votes will be counted, verified, and then probably ignored! It's as yet unconfirmed whether there will be a sing-off and judges' vote between the final two, but I'd rate the chances at 'likely'.
Yes, it's the X Factor, it's the results, and it's another predictable controversy!
Yay, Alexandra Burke is back! And some band called "The Cast of Glee". That's a pretty weird name for a band if you ask me. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas too. Well, at least it's not Bieber and The Wanted (what are they wanted for anyway? Crimes against music?).
The judges enter and take their seats, and Dermot announces "It's all down to you". Foreshadowing is fun!
Alex time! She's sold over 4 million albums apparently - approximately 4 million times more then Joe McDingleberry. There's a clip of her audition, complete with Cheryl saying "I was just blown away... you were born to sing" so you can see what an EXCELLENT JUDGE OF TALENT she is, and not at all because that's the sort of crap she says to anyone who auditions with a half-decent voice.
Tonight, she is singing a dreary ballad. It's dreary. She's dressed like a virgin who's about to be sacrificed to the Dark Vampire Lord. Vocally she shows up the mob this year for the horrible singers that they are, but the song itself is unearthly dull. I was about to compliment the understated staging but now some dancers and even more bizarrely violinists are dangling from the ceiling and they've all forgotten to get dressed. And, err, now she's levitating, like Jesus in a dress made of toilet paper. It's all rather tasteless, and what any of this madness has to do with the lyrics for Generic Ballad #5873 or whatever she's singing I don't know.
"Can people fly if they buy your album?". "Maybe!". Sadly this won't be the biggest nonsense of the night. "You're all winners", she tells the contestants. Except for the four of them who are going to lose, although seeing as they'll probably get record deals anyway Alex has a point. What's the point of this show again?
Recap. Coffee time.
I've never watched 'Glee' before in my life, and I'm glad to announce that after tonight I'm going to continue to not watch it. First we're treated to a 'hilarious' VT introducing the "Something High New Directions". Sounds a bit close to One Direction for me, although as the backing track starts "Dadadadadadadada"-ing and they mime hilariously to it the similarities become more evident. Really, this is quite possibly the least convincing miming I've ever seen, they look like goldfish the way their mouths are bobbing open and closed.
What follows is possibly the worst thing I've ever seen on the X Factor. I don't want to talk about it. The only redeeming part is when the fat black one scream in Simon Cowell's face. I still know nothing about Glee but I can only assume that given that there's a fat black one, a nerdy one in a wheelchair and an Asian one (perhaps two I can't remember and I'm not rewatching it) it's basically like 'Political Correctness - The Musical - The TV Show'. When the fat black one and the wheelchair guy start singing at each other I begin to wonder if I've tuned into a comedy show on another channel by mistake (it's okay guys, I looked on the internet and he's not really wheelchair-bound so making fun is cool).
If the producers had just picked a dozen people at random from the audience and asked them to sing "Don't Stop Believing" then it would have sounded better.
"We have a tour coming up!", one of the PC warriors yells.
"Are you guys going to come?", another asks.
Silence. Tumbleweed floats aimlessly by. The highlight of their appearance by far.
Black Eyed Peas and results after the break!
Lines closed! Oh the drama! "Apart from your own acts, who do you think nailed it last night?" Dermot asks the judges. "One Direction", Cowell replies. I find myself "ummm"-ing for various reasons.
Black Eyed Peas! They're singing a bizarre cover of "I've Had The Time of My Life (With The Auto-Tune)", complete with dancers with boxes on their heads (sorry guys but it's been sort of done before in that bingo advert). The thing with BEP is they range from the ridiculous to the sublime, but this is just as stupid as you would expect them covering this song would be. Fergie is miming a recording of stuttering, brilliant. It's like Glee and BEP are competing to see who can butcher a classic song the most.
"Hello Will, please pimp Cheryl's two acts as much as you can. Oh, and your album and single too, I suppose". Cringe.
Ads.
"Time to see who's made it through and who will have to sing one last time in the final showdown". Wait what? Yes, there's going to be a sing-off. In the semi-final. Just like there was last yea- oh wait - just like there was the year befo- oh wait. Oh well, goodbye Mary, nice knowing you.
The lack of transparency is the most annoying thing. I'm certain that in previous weeks the sing-off has been mentioned multiple times early in the results show and even on the Saturday show, but this week? Nothing, until now. Dermot has been very careful with his words. Frankly, it's absurd, even more so because if they'd just said there would be a sing-off on Saturday there wouldn't be half the fuss being made that there is now because let's face it, a Cher/Mary bottom two was hardly the most difficult thing in the world to predict. Oh wait, this is the X Factor, where fuss and controversy are like life-sustaining drugs.
One Direction are called safe, followed by Rebecca and Matt. Predictable.
"They will each sing a song that they believe will get them into the final". Umm, I don't think for one second Mary thinks she's getting into the final, Dermot. Mary's singing "It's A Man's World" (again), and Cher, she who wants to put a fresh slant on British music and not sing ballads ever because they're not 'her' is singing, err, "Everytime" by Britney. A ballad, if you will.
Really, why do they even bother with the sing-off? I can't recall a single instance in the last couple of series where the sing-off has actually had an effect. Of course it doesn't matter that Mary sings rings around Cher, who looks like she's having a Weasel-style nervous breakdown as she ploughs through her song.
Louis saves Mary. Dannii finally succumbs to the puppet-master and saves Cher. Note that I'm saying "saves" as opposed to "sends home" because Dermot has bizarrely asked that the judges name the act they're sending through this time. Sepp Blatter is going to appear on stage with an envelope saying "Cher" at any time now, I can feel it. Cheryl saves Cher, and of course Simon does too, after a thinly-veiled "Keep your mouth shut about this complete ridiculousness" threat aimed at Mary based on something she said on ITV2 or something (I don't watch that show because Christ, watching Konnie Huq present is like watching cars repeatedly and continually crashing into the stage).
Of course the question on everybody's lips is what's next for Mary's Till?
Next week it's the final! Your votes will be counted, verified, and then probably ignored! It's as yet unconfirmed whether there will be a sing-off and judges' vote between the final two, but I'd rate the chances at 'likely'.
Sunday 5 December 2010
Live Show 9 - "Lemsip, with it's deliciously lemony taste, is the go-to cure for all your cold-related problems. Also now available in delicious blackcurrant flavour!" - December 4 2010 (part 2)
We're back!
And the performance order has changed for no reason!
Yes, up first for round 2 is Matthew, going on early presumably so he can be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip and some throat lozenges as soon as possible. Incidentally the theme has changed to "Get me to the final" songs, again in strong contrast to the "I'm A Nonentity Get Me Out Of Here!" theme of previous weeks. Unfortunately we got no more hilarious video of Matt at death's door in bed with his mother bringing him some Bovril (oh wait, his mother is far too middle-class for Bovril).
He's singing a song I vaguely recognize but can't place, and now might be a good time for someone to remind the viewers of how terribly sick Matt has been this week because everything is falling apart. The best thing I can say is it's probably the illness' fault, as the issue Matt has is an inability to hit the high notes, a problem which he's not had before.
"You are in the final". That makes Matt the 20,984th person to be guaranteed a finals berth by Captain Understatement Louis Walsh this year. Cheryl basically tells him it was shit but that's okay because people will vote for him anyway. "This for me was your worst song" - Simon's forgetting Beatles week, methinks.
Tesco Mary! "Mary can still win the competition", Louis bleats. Men in white coats to aisle three, please. Mary describes the difference between her in her first audition compared to now as "phenomenal". I'd describe it as more "nonexistant".
Oh my, it's "The Way We Were". Of course a smooth, understated yet passionate vocal is required for this song, and as such of course Mary is belting everything out at maximum volume after yet another atrocious start. Horrible song choice, she's doomed.
But wait! Tears! Mary clearly realizes she's sung horribly and needs to pull a joker out of the pack to save her skin! "This is not a time for tears Mary", Simon says, omitting the "...because you're ruining my plans for you to be eliminated tomorrow" that you can tell he's thinking. "You are not going back to the Tesco checkout sweetheart". Jesus, the way they talk about it you'd think Tesco was a third-world country sweatshop manned by slave labour.
"It's not a sad tear, it's a tear of loss for someone I love - a happy tear". So wait, she's happy her mother is dead? What?
Share and Rebecca after the break!
"This song was done by two artists. Bring those two artists together, and it's something Cher would do on her own". So, essentially Ms Cole is saying that Cher is as talented and capable as Eminem and Rihanna combined. Wonderful.
"I've never been given a song like this that has made me feel every single emotion under the sun" (bored), Cher says, in her usual monotone, robotic way.
"I'm a little but frightened, but I'm so excited" (bored).
"Being in the final means the whole world to me" (bored).
Okay, maybe those subtitles aren't such a great idea seeing as it's literally impossible (literally) to tell what Cher is feeling without her spelling it out thanks to her having the most boring speaking voice I've heard since Year 8 Physics lessons.
As hinted at earlier, it's "Love The Way You Lie", and it's awful. Her voice wanders all over the place in some sort of desperate attempt to find the actual tune before the world's most shouty rap ever begins. Atrocious. As flames erupt around her I can't help but will her to take a few sidesteps to her left and mave backwards a little.
"I would have loved to have heard you sing a ballad to get you through to the final", Dannii offers.
"Hmmmm" (deep-seated loathing and contempt), Cher offers in return. What a cow.
Then Dermot comes in and presses the point. "Ballads have been done and I want to bring a new twist to English music" (smug, inflated sense of self-importance). Keep talking dear, you might just talk away your chances of making the final at this rate.
"Next up, with her song that we pray can get her into the final, it's Rebecca". Cheryl seems to be having an epiphany of sorts.
The VT is dedicated mainly to describing how "beautiful", "amazing" and "stunning" the song she's singing is. My money's on "Barbie Girl", but disappointingly it's "Amazing Grace". She's come over a little bit Aiden, as she indulges in adding half a dozen vowels to every vowel in the song, so it's more "AAAAIIEMAAAAIYZIIIIEANG GRAAAEEICEEAEE" than anything else. I'm doing it a disservice because it's the first performance of the night I actually find myself liking. Of course it doesn't really go anywhere but people complainign about Amazing Grace not going anywhere are entirely missing the point.
"You're probably my favourite contestant ever". Whooooa Louis, let's not go crazy here - I know she's infinitely more likeable than the other tossers left this series but still.
"What I loved about it is there were no tricks, just sincerity", Cowell muses. Ironically, it's over to him after the break to introduce One Direction.
"You know what's coming - One Direction". We sure do, Simon.
Sympathy VT alert! Simon may think milking a cold is uncool, but milking the death of a grandmother is absolutely a-okay apparently! Yes, Zain hasn't been rehearsing with them so they've had to rehearse in a giant room in an attempt to replicate the invaluable echo he provides. Perhaps even more alarmingly, Zain's absence means Smug Twat Spice may actually have to sing. Into the bomb shelters everyone, the apocalypse is upon us.
But wait! Lo and behold, Zain returns! With a stupid hat! Yippee! "We've really missed him" Miserable Spice declares, with all the sincerity of Cher telling Dannii she appreciates her criticism.
They're singing "Chasing Cars". Quiz time!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (2)_________ people. (3) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (4) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (5) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
Yes, this was practically identical to the last quiz. Welcome to the world of One Direction, where the only road leads to predictability, and legions of brainless tweens (God I hate that word and hate myself for using it) are running down it. Actually there's a surprising lack of backing in the first chorus, exposing their terrible harmonies somewhat, but the army of backing singers triumphantly returns in time for the second one. Maybe all their grandmothers had died or they had colds or something.
"I think you're the next big boyban- I said that last week". Yes Louis. And the week before. And the week before that. And every single bloody week since the live shows started. "We've never ever had such a good band on the X Factor". Oh Dannii, I remember when you used to be at least tolerable. According to Simon we're supposed to be inpressed that they got up at the unearthly hour of 8 in the morning (heaven forfend, I had no idea such an hour existed!) to rehearse. Yeah, that's how bad things are this year, we're supposed to vote for acts because they performed the immensely brave act of getting up early one morning.
You know what this hideously bad show needed? It begins with a 'W', ends in an 'R' and has a bongo solo in the middle.
And the performance order has changed for no reason!
Yes, up first for round 2 is Matthew, going on early presumably so he can be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip and some throat lozenges as soon as possible. Incidentally the theme has changed to "Get me to the final" songs, again in strong contrast to the "I'm A Nonentity Get Me Out Of Here!" theme of previous weeks. Unfortunately we got no more hilarious video of Matt at death's door in bed with his mother bringing him some Bovril (oh wait, his mother is far too middle-class for Bovril).
He's singing a song I vaguely recognize but can't place, and now might be a good time for someone to remind the viewers of how terribly sick Matt has been this week because everything is falling apart. The best thing I can say is it's probably the illness' fault, as the issue Matt has is an inability to hit the high notes, a problem which he's not had before.
"You are in the final". That makes Matt the 20,984th person to be guaranteed a finals berth by Captain Understatement Louis Walsh this year. Cheryl basically tells him it was shit but that's okay because people will vote for him anyway. "This for me was your worst song" - Simon's forgetting Beatles week, methinks.
Tesco Mary! "Mary can still win the competition", Louis bleats. Men in white coats to aisle three, please. Mary describes the difference between her in her first audition compared to now as "phenomenal". I'd describe it as more "nonexistant".
Oh my, it's "The Way We Were". Of course a smooth, understated yet passionate vocal is required for this song, and as such of course Mary is belting everything out at maximum volume after yet another atrocious start. Horrible song choice, she's doomed.
But wait! Tears! Mary clearly realizes she's sung horribly and needs to pull a joker out of the pack to save her skin! "This is not a time for tears Mary", Simon says, omitting the "...because you're ruining my plans for you to be eliminated tomorrow" that you can tell he's thinking. "You are not going back to the Tesco checkout sweetheart". Jesus, the way they talk about it you'd think Tesco was a third-world country sweatshop manned by slave labour.
"It's not a sad tear, it's a tear of loss for someone I love - a happy tear". So wait, she's happy her mother is dead? What?
Share and Rebecca after the break!
"This song was done by two artists. Bring those two artists together, and it's something Cher would do on her own". So, essentially Ms Cole is saying that Cher is as talented and capable as Eminem and Rihanna combined. Wonderful.
"I've never been given a song like this that has made me feel every single emotion under the sun" (bored), Cher says, in her usual monotone, robotic way.
"I'm a little but frightened, but I'm so excited" (bored).
"Being in the final means the whole world to me" (bored).
Okay, maybe those subtitles aren't such a great idea seeing as it's literally impossible (literally) to tell what Cher is feeling without her spelling it out thanks to her having the most boring speaking voice I've heard since Year 8 Physics lessons.
As hinted at earlier, it's "Love The Way You Lie", and it's awful. Her voice wanders all over the place in some sort of desperate attempt to find the actual tune before the world's most shouty rap ever begins. Atrocious. As flames erupt around her I can't help but will her to take a few sidesteps to her left and mave backwards a little.
"I would have loved to have heard you sing a ballad to get you through to the final", Dannii offers.
"Hmmmm" (deep-seated loathing and contempt), Cher offers in return. What a cow.
Then Dermot comes in and presses the point. "Ballads have been done and I want to bring a new twist to English music" (smug, inflated sense of self-importance). Keep talking dear, you might just talk away your chances of making the final at this rate.
"Next up, with her song that we pray can get her into the final, it's Rebecca". Cheryl seems to be having an epiphany of sorts.
The VT is dedicated mainly to describing how "beautiful", "amazing" and "stunning" the song she's singing is. My money's on "Barbie Girl", but disappointingly it's "Amazing Grace". She's come over a little bit Aiden, as she indulges in adding half a dozen vowels to every vowel in the song, so it's more "AAAAIIEMAAAAIYZIIIIEANG GRAAAEEICEEAEE" than anything else. I'm doing it a disservice because it's the first performance of the night I actually find myself liking. Of course it doesn't really go anywhere but people complainign about Amazing Grace not going anywhere are entirely missing the point.
"You're probably my favourite contestant ever". Whooooa Louis, let's not go crazy here - I know she's infinitely more likeable than the other tossers left this series but still.
"What I loved about it is there were no tricks, just sincerity", Cowell muses. Ironically, it's over to him after the break to introduce One Direction.
"You know what's coming - One Direction". We sure do, Simon.
Sympathy VT alert! Simon may think milking a cold is uncool, but milking the death of a grandmother is absolutely a-okay apparently! Yes, Zain hasn't been rehearsing with them so they've had to rehearse in a giant room in an attempt to replicate the invaluable echo he provides. Perhaps even more alarmingly, Zain's absence means Smug Twat Spice may actually have to sing. Into the bomb shelters everyone, the apocalypse is upon us.
But wait! Lo and behold, Zain returns! With a stupid hat! Yippee! "We've really missed him" Miserable Spice declares, with all the sincerity of Cher telling Dannii she appreciates her criticism.
They're singing "Chasing Cars". Quiz time!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (2)_________ people. (3) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (4) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (5) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
Yes, this was practically identical to the last quiz. Welcome to the world of One Direction, where the only road leads to predictability, and legions of brainless tweens (God I hate that word and hate myself for using it) are running down it. Actually there's a surprising lack of backing in the first chorus, exposing their terrible harmonies somewhat, but the army of backing singers triumphantly returns in time for the second one. Maybe all their grandmothers had died or they had colds or something.
"I think you're the next big boyban- I said that last week". Yes Louis. And the week before. And the week before that. And every single bloody week since the live shows started. "We've never ever had such a good band on the X Factor". Oh Dannii, I remember when you used to be at least tolerable. According to Simon we're supposed to be inpressed that they got up at the unearthly hour of 8 in the morning (heaven forfend, I had no idea such an hour existed!) to rehearse. Yeah, that's how bad things are this year, we're supposed to vote for acts because they performed the immensely brave act of getting up early one morning.
You know what this hideously bad show needed? It begins with a 'W', ends in an 'R' and has a bongo solo in the middle.
Live Show 9 - "Lemsip, with it's deliciously lemony taste, is the go-to cure for all your cold-related problems. Also now available in delicious blackcurrant flavour!" - December 4 2010 (part 1)
IT'S!
THE!
SEMI!
*awkward pause*
FINAL!
"I genuinely can't predict what's going to happen". Well Simon, my guess is the five remaining acts are going to sing a couple of songs, probably badly and then one of them, probably Mary, is going to leave on Sunday. It's hardly rocket science.
Matt doesn't want to go back to being a 'painter', Mary doesn't want to go back to Tesco, Rebecca doesn't want to go back to Liverpool, One Direction don't want to go back to school and Cher just wants HER GODDAMN CANAPES WITH QUAIL EGGS AND BOTTLED WATER CHILLED TO EXACTLY 5 DEGREES AND THE RED SMARTIES TAKEN OUT OF THE TUBE THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU INCOMPETENT BACKSTAGE IDIOTS.
"I've never wanted something so bad" Cher says, in a monotonic drawl.
"Club classics" is the theme for half if this week, which seems a little tame given that in past weeks the themes seem to have been "murder classics", "butcher classics" and "flay classics while rubbing salt into their withered corpses" (that would be the week Aiden sang 'Thriller').
The judges enter, dressed disappointingly normally.
First up it's the girls (cue general astonishment and a chorus of "I bet it's Rebecca") and Rebecca (cue lack of surprise). Heaven knows how she's going to cope with a club classic seeing as performing club classics tends to involve actually moving on stage. They're going to have a job topping this for the funniest VT of the night award as Rebecca's scouse accent is deemed subtitle-necessary. This week Rebecca went to the NARNIA PREMIERE I HEAR IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE THAT THEY ALSO WENT TO THE PREMIERE OF. Liam Neeson says hello to her, though she turns away before he can add, "Umm, who are you?".
Cue snippet of Chezza being VERY HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE TO HER ACT REBECCA WHO SHE LOVES VERY MUCH AND JUST AS MUCH AS CHER HONEST.
It's "Show Me Love", and while Rebecca doesn't manage to dance she does walk a little bit while singing, so there are definite signs of progress. Her staticness is made up for by the general insanity of her supporting dancers, who've lifted some moves straight from the Wagner Dance Bible, and to be fair the staging does a good job of distracting from Rebecca's innate boringness and nasally vocals. Although the vocals work with the song to some extent this isn't a performance to get excited over.
The buildup of air in Chezza's head lifts her up off her feet while the judges clap. At least that's the best explanation I can come up with. Louis, who as we all know has an aversion to telling us where people come from, announces that "LIVERPOOL should be really proud..." of her. "She also showed us she can sing and dance" he continues. Should have gone to Specsavers. "This song came from Rebecca and we fought and fought and fought for it", Chezza begins as if recounting an old war story. "And it worked!".
I bet it's Matt and Mary after the break. "After the break it's Matt and Mary!" Dermot announces. Unlike Simon, I'm having no trouble predicting what's going to happen tonight thus far.
Up next it's Mary, from Dublin, in Ireland!
Cue bog-standard 'I was in the bottom two' VT. "I need to show people I'm worthy of this and all their voting wasn't in vain". Seeing as you have zero chance of winning dear, I'm pretty sure it was. She's singing "Never Can Say Goodbye (until about 8:55 tomorrow evening)", and it's becoming more and more obvious that now Wagner is gone Friedman has been left to run riot with the staging and dancers for everyone else. It's all very Butlins, apart from the first line which is very horrendous. It improves as Mary gets into her comfort zone of shouting everything, though.
"MARY'S GOT HER MOJO BACK!". Shut up, Minogue - it's bad enough when Louis does it. "I think this was a scene out of Louis' bedroom", Simon suggests, employing that well-known 'don't actually talk about the performance if you want someone out of the competition' tactic that he uses sometimes.
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"Lisa needs braces"
"DENTAL PLAN"
As Dermot reads her number, Mary elects to go for the under-utilized 'Phone fists' as opposed to the more traditional 'Phone hands'.
Curdle time! This week Matt has been DEATHLY ILL, as is proven by a hilarious recording of him at his parents' house being brought coffee by his doting mother. I can only imagine how that went.
*Matt's mother enters room with coffee*
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS"
"Umm, it's coffee Mr Producer"
"MATT IS ILL! GET IT? ILL! WHERE THE HELL IS THE LEMSIP?!"
"Umm, I'll go and see if I can find some"
(5 minutes later)
"Matt, baby, I know you're ill but the public needs to see your face baby! Pull those covers down a little and give a nice "I'm dying" look, straight at the camera.Now hold it - that's goooood, work it baby! Work that man-flu!"
"Here's the lemsip"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? WHO THE HELL DRINKS BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? MIKE, GO TO THE GODDAMN CHEMIST RIGHT NOW AND GET ME HALF A DOZEN SACHETS OF ACTUAL LEMON LEMSIP, STAT!"
Yes, unfortunately Rebecca's VT has already been ousted. This is infinitely funnier - it's essentially an exercise in damage control, "Matt's going to be awful tonight but that's okay because he's ill!". He's singing "You've Got The Love", made famous of course by Wagner at judges' houses. And yes, it's so awful that the pre-emptive damage control was entirely necessary.
"Can I just mention that I had a cold this week... but I don't mention it". Umm, Simon, you, umm, sort of, umm, just did mention it? Plus let's be honest singing on stage for a few minutes is a little more demanding than sitting down and being a smug twat for an hour or so.
Over to Cheryl, and mini-me!
While Rebecca needs subtitles apparently because her accent is incomprehensible, I'd like to make a plea to X Factor producers to add subtitles to Cher to let us know what she's actually thinking and how she's feeling, because her drone-like voice leaves this viewer for one utterly confused. Here, let's try it:
"I never expected to get very far" (meek, humble, as instructed)
"I was there with my mum looking back at the thousands of people behind me" ("wankers")
"I'm in the semi finals and oh God I'm too excited to even think about it" (excited)
"I think sometimes people may get a little confused about what I'm all about" (anger and bemusement as to why she is not universally loved)
"On stage I sometimes come across a bit cocky" (but you tossers watching don't like that apparently so I'm going to pretend to be nice)
"When I think about this song it makes me happy" (happy)
I feel such subtitles would enhance my Cher viewing experience significantly.
I have no idea what she's singing, but she's 'making it her own' by saying "HELLO!" during a line of the lyrics, just in case we didn't know what the word "Hi" meant, I guess. There's a pyramid thing on stage for some reason, and the performance is made infinitely more enjoyable if you imagine the dancers trying to scramble for the high ground in order to get away from Cher's horrific clubbing of whatever this song is. It's certainly not a 'club classic', whatever it is.
Judges comments are dull. Cowell doesn't even pull out the "You've had bad press but I think you're great (for now at least because you're a potential cash cow)" line. Maybe he's saving it for the second performance. Over to Cher - "I'm really happy about them comments, I can't complain can I?" (that bitch Minogue didn't praise me enough, but I must maintain my meek and humble disguise).
"Two words. One Direction". I've got two words for them and you too, Cowell.
They also went to the NEW NARNIA MOVIE PREMIERE OUT IN ALL GOOD CINEMAS AND EVEN SOME CRAPPY ONES RIGHT NOW, where they met some guy called JoeMcBlackberry or something. I guess he must be in the movie because I have no idea who he is... oh! He's done a song for the soundtrack! And look, there he is on the big screen! And look, there's Bowl-haired Spice looking terminally bored watching him!
The boys have been without a mentor this week because of Simon being struck down with the PLAGUE FROM HELL or whatever it was that he said he wasn't mentioning earlier. Luckily Cheryl has stepped into the breach and has apparently helped Smug Twat Spice out a lot with some top miming tips.
They're singing some Rihanna song. You know how it goes by now surely? Here's a quiz to make sure you're keeping up!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then (2) ________ comes in, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (3)_________ people. (4) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (5) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (6) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Answers at the bottom of the update!
Of course one of the last things we hear before cutting over to Dermot opening the phone lines is Simon on his hands and knees licking the viewing public's arse and saying "PLEASE VOTE FOR THESE GUYS AND PUT THEM IN THE FINAL OH GOD PLEASE I LOVE YOU ALL AND THEY'RE REALLY CUTE AND VOTE PLEASE".
After the break, we start again! Hooray!
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) "Refused-to-Dance Spice". ("Asian Spice" also acceptable for one mark and "Zain/"Zayn"/however the hell you spell it/"the token Asian one" for half a mark. "Curly Spice" gets half a mark as it's sometimes him who comes in at this point, but "Harry" gets no marks, sorry.). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(6) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
THE!
SEMI!
*awkward pause*
FINAL!
"I genuinely can't predict what's going to happen". Well Simon, my guess is the five remaining acts are going to sing a couple of songs, probably badly and then one of them, probably Mary, is going to leave on Sunday. It's hardly rocket science.
Matt doesn't want to go back to being a 'painter', Mary doesn't want to go back to Tesco, Rebecca doesn't want to go back to Liverpool, One Direction don't want to go back to school and Cher just wants HER GODDAMN CANAPES WITH QUAIL EGGS AND BOTTLED WATER CHILLED TO EXACTLY 5 DEGREES AND THE RED SMARTIES TAKEN OUT OF THE TUBE THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU INCOMPETENT BACKSTAGE IDIOTS.
"I've never wanted something so bad" Cher says, in a monotonic drawl.
"Club classics" is the theme for half if this week, which seems a little tame given that in past weeks the themes seem to have been "murder classics", "butcher classics" and "flay classics while rubbing salt into their withered corpses" (that would be the week Aiden sang 'Thriller').
The judges enter, dressed disappointingly normally.
First up it's the girls (cue general astonishment and a chorus of "I bet it's Rebecca") and Rebecca (cue lack of surprise). Heaven knows how she's going to cope with a club classic seeing as performing club classics tends to involve actually moving on stage. They're going to have a job topping this for the funniest VT of the night award as Rebecca's scouse accent is deemed subtitle-necessary. This week Rebecca went to the NARNIA PREMIERE I HEAR IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE THAT THEY ALSO WENT TO THE PREMIERE OF. Liam Neeson says hello to her, though she turns away before he can add, "Umm, who are you?".
Cue snippet of Chezza being VERY HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE TO HER ACT REBECCA WHO SHE LOVES VERY MUCH AND JUST AS MUCH AS CHER HONEST.
It's "Show Me Love", and while Rebecca doesn't manage to dance she does walk a little bit while singing, so there are definite signs of progress. Her staticness is made up for by the general insanity of her supporting dancers, who've lifted some moves straight from the Wagner Dance Bible, and to be fair the staging does a good job of distracting from Rebecca's innate boringness and nasally vocals. Although the vocals work with the song to some extent this isn't a performance to get excited over.
The buildup of air in Chezza's head lifts her up off her feet while the judges clap. At least that's the best explanation I can come up with. Louis, who as we all know has an aversion to telling us where people come from, announces that "LIVERPOOL should be really proud..." of her. "She also showed us she can sing and dance" he continues. Should have gone to Specsavers. "This song came from Rebecca and we fought and fought and fought for it", Chezza begins as if recounting an old war story. "And it worked!".
I bet it's Matt and Mary after the break. "After the break it's Matt and Mary!" Dermot announces. Unlike Simon, I'm having no trouble predicting what's going to happen tonight thus far.
Up next it's Mary, from Dublin, in Ireland!
Cue bog-standard 'I was in the bottom two' VT. "I need to show people I'm worthy of this and all their voting wasn't in vain". Seeing as you have zero chance of winning dear, I'm pretty sure it was. She's singing "Never Can Say Goodbye (until about 8:55 tomorrow evening)", and it's becoming more and more obvious that now Wagner is gone Friedman has been left to run riot with the staging and dancers for everyone else. It's all very Butlins, apart from the first line which is very horrendous. It improves as Mary gets into her comfort zone of shouting everything, though.
"MARY'S GOT HER MOJO BACK!". Shut up, Minogue - it's bad enough when Louis does it. "I think this was a scene out of Louis' bedroom", Simon suggests, employing that well-known 'don't actually talk about the performance if you want someone out of the competition' tactic that he uses sometimes.
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"She's been sick"
"What has that got to do with the song?"
"Lisa needs braces"
"DENTAL PLAN"
As Dermot reads her number, Mary elects to go for the under-utilized 'Phone fists' as opposed to the more traditional 'Phone hands'.
Curdle time! This week Matt has been DEATHLY ILL, as is proven by a hilarious recording of him at his parents' house being brought coffee by his doting mother. I can only imagine how that went.
*Matt's mother enters room with coffee*
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS"
"Umm, it's coffee Mr Producer"
"MATT IS ILL! GET IT? ILL! WHERE THE HELL IS THE LEMSIP?!"
"Umm, I'll go and see if I can find some"
(5 minutes later)
"Matt, baby, I know you're ill but the public needs to see your face baby! Pull those covers down a little and give a nice "I'm dying" look, straight at the camera.Now hold it - that's goooood, work it baby! Work that man-flu!"
"Here's the lemsip"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? WHO THE HELL DRINKS BLACKCURRANT LEMSIP!? MIKE, GO TO THE GODDAMN CHEMIST RIGHT NOW AND GET ME HALF A DOZEN SACHETS OF ACTUAL LEMON LEMSIP, STAT!"
Yes, unfortunately Rebecca's VT has already been ousted. This is infinitely funnier - it's essentially an exercise in damage control, "Matt's going to be awful tonight but that's okay because he's ill!". He's singing "You've Got The Love", made famous of course by Wagner at judges' houses. And yes, it's so awful that the pre-emptive damage control was entirely necessary.
"Can I just mention that I had a cold this week... but I don't mention it". Umm, Simon, you, umm, sort of, umm, just did mention it? Plus let's be honest singing on stage for a few minutes is a little more demanding than sitting down and being a smug twat for an hour or so.
Over to Cheryl, and mini-me!
While Rebecca needs subtitles apparently because her accent is incomprehensible, I'd like to make a plea to X Factor producers to add subtitles to Cher to let us know what she's actually thinking and how she's feeling, because her drone-like voice leaves this viewer for one utterly confused. Here, let's try it:
"I never expected to get very far" (meek, humble, as instructed)
"I was there with my mum looking back at the thousands of people behind me" ("wankers")
"I'm in the semi finals and oh God I'm too excited to even think about it" (excited)
"I think sometimes people may get a little confused about what I'm all about" (anger and bemusement as to why she is not universally loved)
"On stage I sometimes come across a bit cocky" (but you tossers watching don't like that apparently so I'm going to pretend to be nice)
"When I think about this song it makes me happy" (happy)
I feel such subtitles would enhance my Cher viewing experience significantly.
I have no idea what she's singing, but she's 'making it her own' by saying "HELLO!" during a line of the lyrics, just in case we didn't know what the word "Hi" meant, I guess. There's a pyramid thing on stage for some reason, and the performance is made infinitely more enjoyable if you imagine the dancers trying to scramble for the high ground in order to get away from Cher's horrific clubbing of whatever this song is. It's certainly not a 'club classic', whatever it is.
Judges comments are dull. Cowell doesn't even pull out the "You've had bad press but I think you're great (for now at least because you're a potential cash cow)" line. Maybe he's saving it for the second performance. Over to Cher - "I'm really happy about them comments, I can't complain can I?" (that bitch Minogue didn't praise me enough, but I must maintain my meek and humble disguise).
"Two words. One Direction". I've got two words for them and you too, Cowell.
They also went to the NEW NARNIA MOVIE PREMIERE OUT IN ALL GOOD CINEMAS AND EVEN SOME CRAPPY ONES RIGHT NOW, where they met some guy called JoeMcBlackberry or something. I guess he must be in the movie because I have no idea who he is... oh! He's done a song for the soundtrack! And look, there he is on the big screen! And look, there's Bowl-haired Spice looking terminally bored watching him!
The boys have been without a mentor this week because of Simon being struck down with the PLAGUE FROM HELL or whatever it was that he said he wasn't mentioning earlier. Luckily Cheryl has stepped into the breach and has apparently helped Smug Twat Spice out a lot with some top miming tips.
They're singing some Rihanna song. You know how it goes by now surely? Here's a quiz to make sure you're keeping up!
(1) _______ sings solo for the first few lines, then (2) ________ comes in, then we move onto the chorus which is of course sung by (3)_________ people. (4) _________ Spice maintains a smug veneer throughout, (5) _________ Spice looks permanently annoyed and (6) ___________ Spice is as hilariously awkward as ever.
Answers at the bottom of the update!
Of course one of the last things we hear before cutting over to Dermot opening the phone lines is Simon on his hands and knees licking the viewing public's arse and saying "PLEASE VOTE FOR THESE GUYS AND PUT THEM IN THE FINAL OH GOD PLEASE I LOVE YOU ALL AND THEY'RE REALLY CUTE AND VOTE PLEASE".
After the break, we start again! Hooray!
Quiz answers!
(1) "Bowl-haired Spice". ("The grumpy one" or equivalent is acceptable for one mark. "Liam" is acceptable for half a mark). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(2) "Refused-to-Dance Spice". ("Asian Spice" also acceptable for one mark and "Zain/"Zayn"/however the hell you spell it/"the token Asian one" for half a mark. "Curly Spice" gets half a mark as it's sometimes him who comes in at this point, but "Harry" gets no marks, sorry.). "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(3) Any number between 100 and infinity gets you a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(4) Smug. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(5) "Bowl-haired". Half a mark for "Can actually vaguely sing a little". "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
(6) "Asian", "Refused-to-dance" and "Awkward" are all good for a mark. "Twat" also acceptable for a mark.
Wednesday 1 December 2010
Results show 8 - Abridged version again - November 28 2010
THE WANTED!
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NICOLE SHER... SHIRT.... SCHER.... NICOLE OUT OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!
Great! There follows one sentence summaries of the guest performances because I'm losing the will to live.
The Wanted - What on earth possessed the dark forces behind this nonsense to get together one day and say "You know what the music industry really needs right now? A cross between Westlife and 5ive"
Justin Bieber - Is (s)he asking Cheryl to call him (her) so they can exchange make-up tips or effective miming tips?
Nicole out of the Pussycat Dolls - Nice bondage outfit(s), shame about the song that sounds like something that couldn't even pass post-trainwreck Britney quality control.
Sorry for the briefness but my God, what a horrible guest lineup.
Results! Rebecca safe, Cheryl looks like she's just been told there was a press mix-up last week and "Katie's gran" was in fact a typo of "Cheryl's gran". Really, why does she look so horrified? I suppose she was hoping to lose two acts so she could focus all her energy on mini-me or something. Matt safe, yawn. Cher safe, vomit. Only one spot left, and it goes to One Direction, /wrists.
Leaving us with Katie, Mary and Lord Wagner. I'm a little torn, one act needs to leave immediately and the only remote chance Wagner has is if he's up against Katie being in the sing-off for the millionth time, but at the same time the sooner The Weasel leaves the better. Who's going to get unceremoniously booted off!
HALLELUJAH
POP GOES THE WEASEL
Her highlights montage seems to drag on for half an hour. Just throw her out of the building already! "This girl's been through hell for eight weeks", Dermot happily announces. Yes, forget soldiers in the Middle-East, forget starving children in Africa, forget violently repressed minorities all over the world, it's Princess Katie who's the one person who has really suffered recently.
She actually comes across quite well for possibly the first time in the series in her little exit tete-a-tete with Dermot, although my judgment may be clouded by the immense euphoria that she's finally going washing over me. Sure, Wagner is doomed in 5 minutes time, but you've got to take the rough with the smooth.
Dermot goes over to Louis, who hilariously doesn't know who's performing first. "It's Wagner", he finally says, in a manner not dissimilar to someone at a morgue identifying a dead body. Wagner is singing "Unforgettable" - this is the moment of the series and will not be topped. I'm not ashamed to say I haven't cried so much since Bambi.
In contrast to his Wagner intro, Louis calls Mary to the stage remarkably chirpily. Goddammit Walsh, stop rubbing it in. The hilarious thing about Mary's performance of YET ANOTHER BLOODY SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG is that it's so bad I think I actually preferred Wagner on vocal merit.
Judges' vote time! In what is quite possibly the most anti-climactic vote ever Louis sends home Wagner (take note Chezza, this is how you make a decision between your own two acts), Dannii sends home Wagner, and you can tell Cheryl is wetting her pants with the excitement of being able to hammer the final nail into the coffin and also declare that she "accepts his apology". I wonder if she apologized to him for being a gigantic bitch on live TV? Anyway, it doesn't matter really, nothing matters any more because our Lord and Saviour is gone. Goodnight, sweet prince.
Of course despite his vote not being necessary Simon has to say his piece - "We've put the show back in the hands of the public" he declares. There you go, it's official - if you voted Wagner, Simon thinks you're some kind of sub-human entity. The show has never truly been in the hands of the public, it's in the hands of the powers that be who pulled out all the stops to keep Wagner in the competition and then pulled the almighty screwjob when it suited them. If the competition is truly in the hands of the public then why do we even have this stupid judges' vote? At first it seemed like the judges' vote was to make it easier for them to get rid of crap acts who might otherwise hang around like bad smells, but bizarrely now its main use seems to be to seal said bad smells in the building.
Wagner highlight reel! "All I want to do is please otters with the sound of my voice". I'm going to miss him. "I loafed every moment that I spent here" - I suppose that's something that Wagner and the smug tosser from One Direction who doesn't do anything have in common.
One Direction, Rebecca, Cher, Matt and Mary remain, but now a single reason to actually continue to watch this nonsense does not. So, umm, I'll see you next week then, sigh.
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NICOLE SHER... SHIRT.... SCHER.... NICOLE OUT OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!
Great! There follows one sentence summaries of the guest performances because I'm losing the will to live.
The Wanted - What on earth possessed the dark forces behind this nonsense to get together one day and say "You know what the music industry really needs right now? A cross between Westlife and 5ive"
Justin Bieber - Is (s)he asking Cheryl to call him (her) so they can exchange make-up tips or effective miming tips?
Nicole out of the Pussycat Dolls - Nice bondage outfit(s), shame about the song that sounds like something that couldn't even pass post-trainwreck Britney quality control.
Sorry for the briefness but my God, what a horrible guest lineup.
Results! Rebecca safe, Cheryl looks like she's just been told there was a press mix-up last week and "Katie's gran" was in fact a typo of "Cheryl's gran". Really, why does she look so horrified? I suppose she was hoping to lose two acts so she could focus all her energy on mini-me or something. Matt safe, yawn. Cher safe, vomit. Only one spot left, and it goes to One Direction, /wrists.
Leaving us with Katie, Mary and Lord Wagner. I'm a little torn, one act needs to leave immediately and the only remote chance Wagner has is if he's up against Katie being in the sing-off for the millionth time, but at the same time the sooner The Weasel leaves the better. Who's going to get unceremoniously booted off!
HALLELUJAH
POP GOES THE WEASEL
Her highlights montage seems to drag on for half an hour. Just throw her out of the building already! "This girl's been through hell for eight weeks", Dermot happily announces. Yes, forget soldiers in the Middle-East, forget starving children in Africa, forget violently repressed minorities all over the world, it's Princess Katie who's the one person who has really suffered recently.
She actually comes across quite well for possibly the first time in the series in her little exit tete-a-tete with Dermot, although my judgment may be clouded by the immense euphoria that she's finally going washing over me. Sure, Wagner is doomed in 5 minutes time, but you've got to take the rough with the smooth.
Dermot goes over to Louis, who hilariously doesn't know who's performing first. "It's Wagner", he finally says, in a manner not dissimilar to someone at a morgue identifying a dead body. Wagner is singing "Unforgettable" - this is the moment of the series and will not be topped. I'm not ashamed to say I haven't cried so much since Bambi.
In contrast to his Wagner intro, Louis calls Mary to the stage remarkably chirpily. Goddammit Walsh, stop rubbing it in. The hilarious thing about Mary's performance of YET ANOTHER BLOODY SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG is that it's so bad I think I actually preferred Wagner on vocal merit.
Judges' vote time! In what is quite possibly the most anti-climactic vote ever Louis sends home Wagner (take note Chezza, this is how you make a decision between your own two acts), Dannii sends home Wagner, and you can tell Cheryl is wetting her pants with the excitement of being able to hammer the final nail into the coffin and also declare that she "accepts his apology". I wonder if she apologized to him for being a gigantic bitch on live TV? Anyway, it doesn't matter really, nothing matters any more because our Lord and Saviour is gone. Goodnight, sweet prince.
Of course despite his vote not being necessary Simon has to say his piece - "We've put the show back in the hands of the public" he declares. There you go, it's official - if you voted Wagner, Simon thinks you're some kind of sub-human entity. The show has never truly been in the hands of the public, it's in the hands of the powers that be who pulled out all the stops to keep Wagner in the competition and then pulled the almighty screwjob when it suited them. If the competition is truly in the hands of the public then why do we even have this stupid judges' vote? At first it seemed like the judges' vote was to make it easier for them to get rid of crap acts who might otherwise hang around like bad smells, but bizarrely now its main use seems to be to seal said bad smells in the building.
Wagner highlight reel! "All I want to do is please otters with the sound of my voice". I'm going to miss him. "I loafed every moment that I spent here" - I suppose that's something that Wagner and the smug tosser from One Direction who doesn't do anything have in common.
One Direction, Rebecca, Cher, Matt and Mary remain, but now a single reason to actually continue to watch this nonsense does not. So, umm, I'll see you next week then, sigh.
Tuesday 30 November 2010
Live Show 8 - "Double Trouble" - November 27 2010 (part 2)
We last left off at the point where anyone who'd started watching late might have got their hopes up and thought it was all over, but in fact only the halfway point had been reached. Yes, everyone is singing again. Joy.
"If you do this song justice... we could go all the way to the final". Oh, The Wagster must be getting a great song then, right? Wrong! It's "Addicted To Love" and I don't care what anybody says, if "Girlfriend" is vying for the title of worst song ever to exist, "Addicted To Love" is right up there in the most mind-numbingly boring song category.
Of course this is Wagner though, the man who I'm quite sure could make washing the dishes interesting if he wanted. After the absurdity of him actually sounding pretty good in "Creep" this performance is a more classic Wagner - the "HELP ME" stare, the hilarious timing issues, nubile young ladies fawning over his gloriousness and liberal use of "Addicted to loaf". The dancers have clearly been given an instruction to "half-arse it" though, and I'm not talking about them exposing themselves to Lord Wagner again. There's energy lacking when you compare the staging and performance to the Very Best of Wagner, but that's all part of the plan. We can't have this 'talent' competition being sabotaged by people who can't sing, after all (apart from One Direction).
"I'm beginning to think you have an identical brother and you sent him to sing the song before", Danni tells him, as my brain explodes while trying to process the awesomeness of two Wagners. The Brothers Wagner could be the new Jedward, except likeable and actually funny! "It was like we were making this show in Egypt in 1956", Simon declares. I'm sure that he has a comment template and just spins a roulette wheel to fill in the blanks sometimes. "Ah yes, that reminds me of being in Tenochtitlan in 1440..."
"You know what's coming, it's One Direction". Yes, I know what's coming Simon, that's why the kettle's on.
"There's no big production, it's all about the voices". Oh my, they're in big trouble.
Oh no. It's "You Are So Beautiful". Remember when Lloyd (you know, the one who definitely didn't get it on with Danyl) massacred this last year? Well now there are FIVE Lloyds. The good news is that only three of them are actually singing. I'm completely serious, Irish Spice and Smug Tosser Who I Seriously Don't Think Has Actually Sung A Single Note In The Entire Series Spice just stand there doing nothing for the entire song. Heck even I Don't Feel Like Dancing Spice got a couple of solo non-"Oooooohhh" lines. Regardless of all these shenanigans, the performance is brain-meltingly dull.
I have trouble concentrating on the judges comments because THAT SMUG TWAT WHO HAS NOTHING TO BE SMUG ABOUT GIVEN THAT HE'S NEVER ACTUALLY SUNG ANYTHING IS LOOKING SO GODDAMN SMUG I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Seriously why is he in the 'band' at all? He's not particularly attractive, he obviously can't sing seeing as they won't let him and he looks like the world's most enormous pre-pubescent douche. Maybe the whole Katie controversy was just scripted so that nobody would notice this bell-end sneaking in through the back door (and I don't mean like Danyl definitely didn't sneak in through Lloyd's back door last year). Plus, if I recall correctly he's the one who disrespected Lord Wagner on Twitter! The nerve! I give the lads a year before the one who can actually sort of sing leaves to try and forge a solo career, the other three all brutally murder the smug tosser during a pay dispute before the Asian one has a mental breakdown, the Irish one goes to rehab and the curly one marries Jordan or Chloe Mafia or some other airhead.
Next up is Mary, who is apparently going to "sing her heart out". Seeing as if the judges are to be believed her having a heart actually makes her unique in this competition, this is a worrying development. She's going to get her mojo back for the 49876th time though, so no worries there. Maybe there's hope for that silent one in One Direction yet as something even less likely than him actually singing is about to occur, Mary is going to dance.
This is... err... something. She's singing "Brass In Pocket", and, umm, yes. Firstly she appears to have borrowed the jacket she's wearing from Storm Lee, and secondly her 'dancing' basically consists of shuffling about very awkwardly. Of course I didn't expect Flashdance or anything, but this is what all the fuss was about in the VT? The aural aspect is nearly as bad as the visuals too - "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MAKE YOU MAKE YOU NOTICE". Yes, by tackling the song with Brian Blessed levels of subtlety.
The judges throw some vague platitudes at her and Louis does that embarassing "PLEASE VOTE OH GOD PLEASE" thing (that he for some reason didn't do for Lord Wagner, funny that).
Rebecca and Katie after the break? Huh? Has Cher had another backstage tantrum or is the change in the performance order just more manipulation? We may never know, although my guess is it's a bit of both.
"Next up for your SATISFACTION it's Rebecca!". Then the intro to "Brown Sugar" starts playing in the VT. Hmm, mysterious, I wonder what on earth she's going to be singing?
DRAMATIC MUSIC
BREAKING NEWS: WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO INFORM YOU THAT REBECCA "LIKES HAVING FUN". WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR USUAL PROGRAMMING
Oh, quelle surprise, she's singing "Satisfaction". For the first time tonight, Wagner aside, I find myself sort of enjoying a performance. Yes she still has the charisma and stage presence of an ant, but there's a soulful, somewhat jazzy vibe running through the vocals and arrangement and it ends up being rather, well, satisfying (if Cheryl can make stupid plays on the titles of the song choices then so can I, okay?). Also, her name is helpfully displayed behind her on the big screen, just in case you forget who she is, which is a nice solution to what's probably a common problem.
The judges say the word "Aretha" about a dozen times.
Here's The Weasel! "Yeehr gonna see reyul emoshan from'er toneet", Cheryl warbles. No we're not, we're going to see the same contrived bollocks we've been seeing since day 1.
It's "Everybody Hurts", again perhaps sung as a tribute to the guy who did her gran without any lube, I'm not sure. The good news is the performance gets better as it goes on. The bad news is that's only because the first line is so hideously awful that I can feel my eardrums trying to escape. The best bit is the camera cutting to Cheryl giving a concerned look immediately afterwards, presumably so that deaf people or indeed people whose eardrums have pre-emptively fled know that it's atrocious too. She's MAKING THIS SONG HER OWN by "MMmmmMMmmm"-ing occasionally and randomly deciding to shout a line for no discernible reason. Oh and the arrangement deviates towards the end and it becomes some sort of warped gospel song. Brilliant. If the judges praise this crap then, well, I'll write some angry and/or sarcastic words here.
"I believed every single word of it". Well I certainly believed she was in excruciating pain while singing (and I know I was). Simon's main issue was with the song being "chopped up", for some reason Princess Katie herself is immune from criticism - of course the only reason it sounded awful was because it was "chopped up", Katie having a bloody awful voice has nothing to do with it - how dare anyone even suggest such a thing! "Another 30 or 60 seconds on that and it would have been fantastic". Another 30 seconds of that and I'd be lying on my sofa with a slit throat and covered in my own vomit.
Only Matt and Chuuurr to come!
Matt Curdle (as in "blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling") is singing, err, a song. I'll risk exposing my ignorance by admitting I don't know what it is. The guitar is back, as is the blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling. It's not bad, whatever it is and of course the judges wet themselves with excitement. Next!
Yes, Cheryl manages to get two of her acts in the pimp slot in a single show, which has to be a first. Purely coincidence, of course. She's singing "Walk This Way" while dressed as Queen of the Chavs, and she appears to have stolen Wagner's energetic dancers. It couldn't be more obvious the powers that be are pulling out all the stops to get her into the semi-final. The arrangement is hideous - "Walk This Way" is not and should never be a disco song and yet that's what we're faced with. She warbles her way through it sort of competently - I've said before that Cher is at her relative best when she's doing the not-quite-rapping-but-not-really-singing-either thing, and my point stands here.
Dannii is invoking the blaring backing track - she may have a point but given that as far as I recall she's never mentioned it when One Direction have performed I can't help but laugh. Surprisingly Simon completely disagrees with Dannii - he's not usually one to pass up the opportunity to be a giany hypocrite. "You're my cup of tea with two sugars in it", declares Cheryl. So I think what she's trying to say is that the reason I don't particularly like Cher is because I don't have sugar in my tea. Or something. It's also worth pointing out that it's around the time Dermot starts talking to her that I realize that her make-up job makes her look somewhat like a middle-aged drag queen.
"Tomorrow night and unknown to the finalists until now it's a double elimination". Apparently Mary is psychic, then.
"If you do this song justice... we could go all the way to the final". Oh, The Wagster must be getting a great song then, right? Wrong! It's "Addicted To Love" and I don't care what anybody says, if "Girlfriend" is vying for the title of worst song ever to exist, "Addicted To Love" is right up there in the most mind-numbingly boring song category.
Of course this is Wagner though, the man who I'm quite sure could make washing the dishes interesting if he wanted. After the absurdity of him actually sounding pretty good in "Creep" this performance is a more classic Wagner - the "HELP ME" stare, the hilarious timing issues, nubile young ladies fawning over his gloriousness and liberal use of "Addicted to loaf". The dancers have clearly been given an instruction to "half-arse it" though, and I'm not talking about them exposing themselves to Lord Wagner again. There's energy lacking when you compare the staging and performance to the Very Best of Wagner, but that's all part of the plan. We can't have this 'talent' competition being sabotaged by people who can't sing, after all (apart from One Direction).
"I'm beginning to think you have an identical brother and you sent him to sing the song before", Danni tells him, as my brain explodes while trying to process the awesomeness of two Wagners. The Brothers Wagner could be the new Jedward, except likeable and actually funny! "It was like we were making this show in Egypt in 1956", Simon declares. I'm sure that he has a comment template and just spins a roulette wheel to fill in the blanks sometimes. "Ah yes, that reminds me of being in Tenochtitlan in 1440..."
"You know what's coming, it's One Direction". Yes, I know what's coming Simon, that's why the kettle's on.
"There's no big production, it's all about the voices". Oh my, they're in big trouble.
Oh no. It's "You Are So Beautiful". Remember when Lloyd (you know, the one who definitely didn't get it on with Danyl) massacred this last year? Well now there are FIVE Lloyds. The good news is that only three of them are actually singing. I'm completely serious, Irish Spice and Smug Tosser Who I Seriously Don't Think Has Actually Sung A Single Note In The Entire Series Spice just stand there doing nothing for the entire song. Heck even I Don't Feel Like Dancing Spice got a couple of solo non-"Oooooohhh" lines. Regardless of all these shenanigans, the performance is brain-meltingly dull.
I have trouble concentrating on the judges comments because THAT SMUG TWAT WHO HAS NOTHING TO BE SMUG ABOUT GIVEN THAT HE'S NEVER ACTUALLY SUNG ANYTHING IS LOOKING SO GODDAMN SMUG I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Seriously why is he in the 'band' at all? He's not particularly attractive, he obviously can't sing seeing as they won't let him and he looks like the world's most enormous pre-pubescent douche. Maybe the whole Katie controversy was just scripted so that nobody would notice this bell-end sneaking in through the back door (and I don't mean like Danyl definitely didn't sneak in through Lloyd's back door last year). Plus, if I recall correctly he's the one who disrespected Lord Wagner on Twitter! The nerve! I give the lads a year before the one who can actually sort of sing leaves to try and forge a solo career, the other three all brutally murder the smug tosser during a pay dispute before the Asian one has a mental breakdown, the Irish one goes to rehab and the curly one marries Jordan or Chloe Mafia or some other airhead.
Next up is Mary, who is apparently going to "sing her heart out". Seeing as if the judges are to be believed her having a heart actually makes her unique in this competition, this is a worrying development. She's going to get her mojo back for the 49876th time though, so no worries there. Maybe there's hope for that silent one in One Direction yet as something even less likely than him actually singing is about to occur, Mary is going to dance.
This is... err... something. She's singing "Brass In Pocket", and, umm, yes. Firstly she appears to have borrowed the jacket she's wearing from Storm Lee, and secondly her 'dancing' basically consists of shuffling about very awkwardly. Of course I didn't expect Flashdance or anything, but this is what all the fuss was about in the VT? The aural aspect is nearly as bad as the visuals too - "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MAKE YOU MAKE YOU NOTICE". Yes, by tackling the song with Brian Blessed levels of subtlety.
The judges throw some vague platitudes at her and Louis does that embarassing "PLEASE VOTE OH GOD PLEASE" thing (that he for some reason didn't do for Lord Wagner, funny that).
Rebecca and Katie after the break? Huh? Has Cher had another backstage tantrum or is the change in the performance order just more manipulation? We may never know, although my guess is it's a bit of both.
"Next up for your SATISFACTION it's Rebecca!". Then the intro to "Brown Sugar" starts playing in the VT. Hmm, mysterious, I wonder what on earth she's going to be singing?
DRAMATIC MUSIC
BREAKING NEWS: WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO INFORM YOU THAT REBECCA "LIKES HAVING FUN". WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR USUAL PROGRAMMING
Oh, quelle surprise, she's singing "Satisfaction". For the first time tonight, Wagner aside, I find myself sort of enjoying a performance. Yes she still has the charisma and stage presence of an ant, but there's a soulful, somewhat jazzy vibe running through the vocals and arrangement and it ends up being rather, well, satisfying (if Cheryl can make stupid plays on the titles of the song choices then so can I, okay?). Also, her name is helpfully displayed behind her on the big screen, just in case you forget who she is, which is a nice solution to what's probably a common problem.
The judges say the word "Aretha" about a dozen times.
Here's The Weasel! "Yeehr gonna see reyul emoshan from'er toneet", Cheryl warbles. No we're not, we're going to see the same contrived bollocks we've been seeing since day 1.
It's "Everybody Hurts", again perhaps sung as a tribute to the guy who did her gran without any lube, I'm not sure. The good news is the performance gets better as it goes on. The bad news is that's only because the first line is so hideously awful that I can feel my eardrums trying to escape. The best bit is the camera cutting to Cheryl giving a concerned look immediately afterwards, presumably so that deaf people or indeed people whose eardrums have pre-emptively fled know that it's atrocious too. She's MAKING THIS SONG HER OWN by "MMmmmMMmmm"-ing occasionally and randomly deciding to shout a line for no discernible reason. Oh and the arrangement deviates towards the end and it becomes some sort of warped gospel song. Brilliant. If the judges praise this crap then, well, I'll write some angry and/or sarcastic words here.
"I believed every single word of it". Well I certainly believed she was in excruciating pain while singing (and I know I was). Simon's main issue was with the song being "chopped up", for some reason Princess Katie herself is immune from criticism - of course the only reason it sounded awful was because it was "chopped up", Katie having a bloody awful voice has nothing to do with it - how dare anyone even suggest such a thing! "Another 30 or 60 seconds on that and it would have been fantastic". Another 30 seconds of that and I'd be lying on my sofa with a slit throat and covered in my own vomit.
Only Matt and Chuuurr to come!
Matt Curdle (as in "blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling") is singing, err, a song. I'll risk exposing my ignorance by admitting I don't know what it is. The guitar is back, as is the blood-curdlingly girly caterwauling. It's not bad, whatever it is and of course the judges wet themselves with excitement. Next!
Yes, Cheryl manages to get two of her acts in the pimp slot in a single show, which has to be a first. Purely coincidence, of course. She's singing "Walk This Way" while dressed as Queen of the Chavs, and she appears to have stolen Wagner's energetic dancers. It couldn't be more obvious the powers that be are pulling out all the stops to get her into the semi-final. The arrangement is hideous - "Walk This Way" is not and should never be a disco song and yet that's what we're faced with. She warbles her way through it sort of competently - I've said before that Cher is at her relative best when she's doing the not-quite-rapping-but-not-really-singing-either thing, and my point stands here.
Dannii is invoking the blaring backing track - she may have a point but given that as far as I recall she's never mentioned it when One Direction have performed I can't help but laugh. Surprisingly Simon completely disagrees with Dannii - he's not usually one to pass up the opportunity to be a giany hypocrite. "You're my cup of tea with two sugars in it", declares Cheryl. So I think what she's trying to say is that the reason I don't particularly like Cher is because I don't have sugar in my tea. Or something. It's also worth pointing out that it's around the time Dermot starts talking to her that I realize that her make-up job makes her look somewhat like a middle-aged drag queen.
"Tomorrow night and unknown to the finalists until now it's a double elimination". Apparently Mary is psychic, then.
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